Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Male needs advice on sex after childbirth...please help!

72 replies

Yanman · 07/03/2004 17:51

Hi there,I'm kind of new to these discussion boards so please excuse any mistakes,however I'm also new to parenting.I'm 27 and am in a relationship with a 26 yr old woman who has a beautiful two year old girl.I'm very happy and very much in love (aaaah!),however,our sex life is pretty much non-existent,I understand that sex after childbirth can be very difficult and that a woman's libido can lower quite dramatically and I try to be as understanding as possible and don't force the issue too much.I've tried initiating sex with my partner and she enjoys the foreplay and the attention I give her but nothing more.I have reached the point where I'm going to leave it alone and wait for her to come to me when she's ready.I just sometimes feel that she doesn't want me in that way anymore,she says she does but.........Basically am I doing the right thing by just leaving it or should I keep trying or am I being selfish?I just don't want her to feel that I'm pestering her or that she has to make love just to keep me quiet as it were.And I do love her very much and would never look elsewhere just for sex,she's the only one for me (rare these days so I'm told!)Any help or advice would be very very much appreciated.

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 07/03/2004 20:04

It is quite normal to worry that it's you though. Hate to sound blunt, but are you sure she still fancies you? Sorry if that sounds too blunt YM, I don't mean to be hurtful, but I think it's the first question that needs answering.

Chinchilla · 07/03/2004 20:04

Sorry, but after only 7 months, are you sure that it ISN'T you? Just a thought.

Chinchilla · 07/03/2004 20:05

Snap SM!

carla · 07/03/2004 20:09

Yanman, you didn't ever go to a RC Primary school in central London ever, did you?

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:11

"Hate to sound blunt"-- by all means, no offence taken.Like I said I can quite honestly say that she does still fancy me,don't mean to sound arrogant or that I'm blinded by love,whatever,but the way she looks at me and holds me, she still does.I'll try and talk to her again and attempt to get it out in the open once and for all.........thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:13

Carla-nope I've only ever been to London once when I was about 5 yrs old

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 07/03/2004 20:13

Yes, I think you really must attempt to get her to talk about this. Again, not wishing to sound too blunt, but it's perfectly possible to love a man dearly but not fancy him, and this may be the case. I really hope it works out for you ym

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:15

Thank you! You've all been really helpful,anything I can help you with just say the word

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 07/03/2004 20:15

Wey hey yanman!

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:16

I thought I might get that response LOL

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 07/03/2004 20:17
Wink
carla · 07/03/2004 20:18

Sorry to butt in Yanman - thought I'd discovered my childhood sweetheart!

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:19

....wasn't quite what I meant though hey you know what I mean....

OP posts:
Moomin · 07/03/2004 20:20

I think you two need to talk quite seriously. I can only speak from my own experience with relationships and do bear in mind that I didn't have a child with other boyfriends but I don't think your gf's daughter is necessarily a part of the ultimate problem. It may be that she wants a relationship with you on one level: friendship, company, closeness and some flirting, etc. but it sounds like when it comes to the crunch, i.e. your sex life, she's not fully there with you, iykwim. When I've felt like this about anyone, it's usually meant that I don't really fancy them that much or feel like committing to them in an intimate way. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, because you sound like a lovely lovely bloke. Maybe, as a single mum, she's found in you soemone to make her feel good about herself and she likes spendng time with but she's not ready or willing to be there for you in the way you want. I hope I'm wrong and you can work it out with her or, if not, you can move on and be happy. Good luck xx

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:21

That's quite alright Carla.aaaaah young love,it was so simple then

OP posts:
twiglett · 07/03/2004 20:23

message withdrawn

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:23

Thanks moomin, much appreciated,I'll pop back and let you all know how it went if you'd like?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:24

any suggestions are welcome Twiglett,thanks

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 07/03/2004 20:28

Donkeys years ago I met a man that I really fell for but when it came to sex I just couldn't do it, I didn't fancy him at all even though I was in love with him on a mental and emotional level.

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:31

sounds like one of those 'He was too nice' kind of things?to put it very simply

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 07/03/2004 20:33

No, he wasn't too nice, I just didn't fancy him. I tried to force myself to do it, but couldn't bear it, so needless to say it didn't last. I guess I'm trying to say that it is possible to be in love with someone on a mental or emotional level but for the physical level to be missing. Not sure if men experience it in quite this way though.

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:36

I think men can feel that way,but there will always be even the slightest element of physical attraction there.

OP posts:
nutcracker · 07/03/2004 20:37

Have to say that i didn't have a relationship with a bloke once, because i thought he was too nice. So that could be true. Regretted it always since though

Original poster
Yanman · 07/03/2004 20:42

Hey Nutcracker,regret's a terrible thing!Best to look to the future,learn from the past and look forward,I know it sounds terribly cheesy but it does seem to be true

OP posts:
nutcracker · 07/03/2004 20:46

I know Yanman, i must try harder to stop regretting most of my life and get on with making my future what i'd like it to be.
I hope things work out for you, you sound like a lovely, caring and considerate bloke