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Original poster

My brother- is this passive aggressive?

96 replies

JosephineBornapart · 02/02/2014 09:53

Okay- I know this is not the world's worst problem and I don't want to make out it is but.....

my brother lives 300 miles away. We get on okay although have very different lives- he's single and likes it that way. I'm married with grown up kids.

We speak on the phone either once a week or once every 2 weeks- usually about our elderly parents who live near him.

Anyway the problem is that if I call him he never ( 99% of the time) picks up his phone. I am sure that for 80% of those times he is there at home.

I mentioned this to my mum and she says he does the same to her, but she excuses him by saying sometimes he's upstairs doing 'work' ( extra consulting he does separate from his day job) and doesn't want to be disturbed. I know she's just covering for him, but also been taken in by his 'excuses' because he's told me that he only does this extra work at weekends, usually Sundays when I am careful not to call him!

This week we each (Mum and me) tried to call him to tell him about a death in the family (Mum's side) and again, he didn't answer. Mum left him several messages and eventually he called her back but he's not yet called me.

I suppose I don't know what is behind the way he withdraws like this. Our mum is a huge worrier and I know she sometimes calls him too much, but he seems to have taken a passive aggressive way to cope- rather than just answer the phone and tell her ( or me) he's busy at the time.

I suppose I just think this is about him controlling us in a weird way and wonder if I ought to ask him why he doesn't answer when he's clearly at home? I know we can't and shouldn't be slaves to the phone, but it's just odd that he never ever answers and only speaks to people on his terms.

OP posts:

Original poster

JosephineBornapart · 02/02/2014 11:28

Garlic are you coming at this from your own behaviour..?

In insisting your brother should use HIS phone as YOU require, you are being demanding and a bot controlling.

The other way to look at it is 'I am so selfish and self centred that I will only speak to someone when it absolutely suits me and until then they they can fuck the fuck off'.

There are 2 ways of looking at everything.

OP posts:

Suelford · 02/02/2014 11:31

"'I am so selfish and self centred that I will only speak to someone when it absolutely suits me and until then they they can fuck the fuck off'."

You are describing your own behaviour.

VelvetGecko · 02/02/2014 11:45

Do you think maybe your brother is trying to go nc with you? Because it's a possibility from what you say. It's also possible he's just a bit of a loner or maybe depressed.

GarlicReturns · 02/02/2014 11:45

Of course I am! I have said I never answer the phone.

A phone call is an intrusion. I often don't answer the door, either. It is entirely up to me whether to accept an intrusion or not. Bad manners doesn't come into it these days, as we have the blessing of voicemail.

"I have telephones for my own convenience, not everyone else's." Work from this principle, and you won't find yourself forcing your attention when it's not wanted.

I did suggest sending your brother a postcard

GarlicReturns · 02/02/2014 11:47

... to labour that point: We each have telephones for our own convenience, not other people's. You use yours as convenient to you, he uses his at his convenience. Simple :)

OneStepCloser · 02/02/2014 11:51

Sorry, did you start a thread about your brother a couple of weeks ago?

maparole · 02/02/2014 11:56

I hardly ever answer my landline or my mobile ... that's what voicemail is for, innit?

NearTheWindmill · 02/02/2014 11:57

The bit I don't understand is that you speak weekly or fortnightly anyway. Unless it's an emergency why does it have to be more than that? If it's an emergency surely you just need to leave a message saying - urgent, mum's fallen, call me as soon as you get there?

I think too, that perhaps your brother doesn't want a discussion about how your mother is getting involved in the funeral arrangements. He may not have a concern about it and may not want a confrontation over it.

quietlysuggests · 02/02/2014 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Preciousbane · 02/02/2014 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squirrelsmum · 02/02/2014 12:23

The ex gave me a serve, or at least tried to, about me not answering the phone only yesterday. It's my phone and I will answer it when I want to, in the meantime there is an answering machine that will happily take your message. I can't stand the bloody things and would happily not have one, but DH needs it for his business. But then I don't like talking to people much.
If I need to get a message to someone I send them a text, short and to the point. Perhaps your brother is the same. I don't see it as PA, answering the phone maybe just not high on his priority list.

bragmatic · 02/02/2014 12:36

Neither of you is being controlling. YOu just communicate differently. Leave him one message, or send one text and leave it at that.

Original poster

JosephineBornapart · 02/02/2014 12:39

Well, I think an awful lot of people here must have odd relationships with their families if they think that a fortnightly phone call to a sibling is a lot. It's what we do and have done for years. My mum calls him maybe 2-3 x a week which is excessive I'd say. Part of the reason for my speaking to him this often is to get updates on our parents because there is a lot going on with their health, their house, and so forth which I am not always told by my mum because she tries to protect me from the goings-on due to my being long distance.

Anyway- thanks for all the comments. I've decided he can do the running now because there's no point calling anyone- friends or family- if they constantly avoid answering the phone and only want to speak when they make the call- so he can call and I'll talk IF it suits me at the time.

OP posts:

Pimpf · 02/02/2014 13:03

So either a lot of people on this thread have issues or you do. Hmmmmmm.......

As others have said, the phone is for my convenience, not others. I am an adult and I choose to speak to people when I want to, not the other way.

You say that you feel it's normal for siblings to speak weekly / fortnightly, maybe he feels its too much and this is his way of communicating this to you.

VelvetGecko · 02/02/2014 13:15

'he can do the running now'
I wouldn't hold your breath.

CrispyHedgeHog · 02/02/2014 13:36

I'm like this too. I know I have issues. I'd much prefer if someone would text me saying what they want to talk about and then I can steel myself to call them back. I'm the same if someone knocks at the door, unless I'm expecting someone.

My daughter's therapist says I'm avoidant without ever having met me.

GarlicReturns · 02/02/2014 13:38

Well, you are, Hedgehog! You've just said so!

Me, too

SnookyPooky · 02/02/2014 15:14

I speak to my DB on text only, I see him and my DF once a year. I never call either of them, and they don't call me but I love them both very much.
I speak to my DM every few weeks on Skype with texts and e-mails in between. I see her 3 x a year and again, love her very much.
My life is my own and not so interesting and I am not so needy that I have to speak to anyone at any great length at such frequent intervals.
Does that make me odd or is it just the way it works in my family?

haveyourselfashandy · 02/02/2014 19:23

Perhaps your brother feels everyone is expecting too much of him regarding your parents and their problems.This often happens when one sibling lives further away,the one closest is left to deal with everything and get quite resentful about it.He may be passive aggressive but have you thought why?

4paws · 02/02/2014 19:32

Honestly OP? He's just not that into you.

You want a closer relationship and he's really not that bothered.

When you feel calm, write him an email saying that never picking up when you know he's got caller ID etc makes you feel crap. Maybe it's never occurred to him.

Don't hold your breath though

4paws · 02/02/2014 19:35

And yes. Sometimes, like this morning, I'm eating breakfast and refuse to answer the phone. Breakfast comes first. And sometimes, if it's convenient, I do answer. But then I'm not avoid ant, like Crispy

Pippilangstrompe · 02/02/2014 19:41

I would think a fortnightly conversation with my brother plus 2-3 times a week with my mother a lot. Especially if they are all on the same topic.

I also rarely answer the phone. I just want peace in the evening. If I picked up the phone to say it didn't suit to speak, then that peace would be ruined. I may as well speak to them then. Also, if the person wanted me to schedule a time to speak when I picked up, I would be really irritated. I don't want someone scheduling my free time like that and I would feel like they were hounding me.

If anyone wants to contact me, they leave a message and I call back when it suits me, or they text me.

If your brother is not answering at all, maybe it is because he feels hounded? Let him have his peace at home. If you contact him less, he might feel more like talking to you and then he may pick up.

DIYapprentice · 02/02/2014 23:51

I seriously don't get some people on here. You don't ever answer the phone because it is entirely up to you when you talk to people?

But somehow you don't seem to get that at some point SOMEONE will have to pick up the damn phone and if it's NEVER you, it will ALWAYS be them, and that you are then that the controlling person you are accusing the others of being...!!!!

Op, the problem for you isn't really that he never answers the phone (which is bloody annoying anyway), but that he can't be arsed to call you back more often than not.

He's being a self -centred git, and quite frankly there's no dealing with that. He is what he is, and good on you for leaving it up to him to do the running - although I don't think he will and the little bit of relationship you have will fizzle to nothing.

GarlicReverses · 02/02/2014 23:59

you don't seem to get that at some point SOMEONE will have to pick up the damn phone

Fiddlesticks! I conduct most of my relationships via messages :) Useless if you want a gossipy chat, obv, but I'd rather do that face to face. Which can be arranged via messages.

How do you think people coped before there were telephones?

DIYapprentice · 03/02/2014 00:02

Letters???!!!! But then I live on the other side of the world from my family so if they refused to answer the phone for occasional chats (in between the text conversations) I'd be incredibly pissed off with them and they'd damn well know about it.

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