Do all families have big slag-off sessions behind closed doors?

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I hope I can explain this properly and thank you to anyone who can reply.

When I was growing up my parents were quite sociable people. I would say they had a wide circle of friends from childhood and 'new' friends. Also had a few close family members.

For as long as I can remember though they would slag people off. Not when they were there obviously but between themselves and to my siblings and I. My dad was the worst at it and was very superior. He would make generalisations or comments which, looking back, he can't have known were 100% true.

As I got older this moved onto the people my siblings and I were friends with and their families, just put downs and criticism. I suppose because they were different to us? I don't know. It also applied to family like my grandparents especially when they got older and more infirm. My dad could be really spiteful.

Anyway sorry this is getting long. I suppose my question is, do all families do this? Is it normal, or only normal to a certain extent? When I look back I can't believe some of the opinions they voiced to us, as we were only children and it a lot of it was quite inappropriate when I think about it now.

I don't want to be like them. I have the same best friend today that I had then but I can't really ask her if the second I walked out her house her parents ripped into me, my family, our outlook on money, lifestyle etc!

I don't know if anyone will get what I mean but it feels nice to have written this down so thank you if you read this far!

My family did this too growing up. It was always behind closed doors, but also once in front of my uncles new wife. Not about her, but about other family members. I remember cringing with embarrassment at the conversation.

I think most people do this to some extent - if DH and I have met friends, we might pass quick comment to each other afterwards, but only if it was something strange/worth comment in on. And always just a few sentences at the most.

My parents still do this, to a lesser extent now, and my sister seems to have picked up the trait and is always doing it.

I'm sure I do it too, particularly if I am with her. I am trying to stop and I think it's a horrible example to set your children.

Thank you for replying.

I too think it is an awful example to set children and I strive not to do it. But I often find myself thinking negative things and I want to banish those thoughts. But I don't know if they are there because we all are like this (to a greater or lesser extent) or if I have been programmed by my upbringing.

Thank you again.

I don't think everyone thinks that way. Looking back, it was a tough time when we were growing up, money was tight etc.

I think some of it must have been a coping mechanism for tough times - thinking we were somehow better than others.

Once you are happy with your life you are not so fussed about other people's choices and lifestyles.

I do try to actively steer clear of being like this - make sure we have a full life and try to self-control any negative thoughts about others. It's a really ugly thing to see someone bitching about others, I have to keep reminding myself that it I start doing it.

I never do that and neither my family did when we were growing up.
I have other stuff on my mind than other people life

Trouble is that I think you grow up thinking that's a normal topic for conversation, when it isn't.

So now when I see friends or make small talk u really struggle because I don't know what else to talk about, except other people.

One trick is to deflect and ask lots of questions to the person you are talking to instead. I also try to watch the news etc and read books but nobody really wants to talk about current affairs etc in the real world!

antimatter I totally agree. It's a sign of an empty or unhappy life.

My parents did this and still do. It took me a very long time to notice the effect their negativity had on me and my approach to people and relationships. I've worked hard against their influence, but it's difficult. When they do it now I try to pick their random statements apart, sometimes just to annoy them, but it takes a lot of emotional energy.

It's definitely not normal.

I've also had the same best friend since primary school, my mum still slags her off whenever she can.

It took me a very long time to notice the effect their negativity had on me and my approach to people and relationships

I agree with this totally, even now I am only a nice person to a certain degree and will get judgemental and annoyed with people after a while. Then I will talk to my sister about it which makes us both horrible people.

It becomes a way of life that's hard to get out of.

I'm not sure how normal it is tbh. I know my inlaws do it all the time, I always found it a bit surreal how easily it could be explained to me that SIL2 was "weak and lazy" or how BIL was becoming a really horrible person. I would have emphatically denied that my family did it too, until I found out that apparently my family did have many discussions about me whilst I was not there - talking about how I was changing and becoming a worse person. I still feel sore about it almost 3 years on. I do know it's not the norm in my family - on the whole we're proud of one another's accomplishments and talk about the good that they've done/are doing. I can't help but suspect that they still bring me up though - I'm not in a proper career, I've chosen to have children first, I get asked about this a LOT so I'm sure they probably discuss it with one another as another one of my 'failings'. I do know though that when I'm around and we're talking about the happenings in one another's lives there is never a critical or judgemental edge to what the other is doing.

Yes my parents are just like this and I have actually overheard them doing it about me and my children. No ones safe.

My parents might have done a little eye rolling, but generally, no.
I don't at all. I have a real concern about a particular family member, and its been a struggle to convey to the dcs that their behaviour is not acceptable with out it seeming gossipy.
DHs parents did it- I think it inculcates a cynicism and anxiety- it's not a nice thin to do to children. He wouldn't talk critically casually about friends either.

sparkly
but also @no ones safe.

I live a little further way from my parents now - my siblings live v close by. I always feel on edge after a few days there, in case I am doing something wrong and it will be talked about afterwards.

My dad did this a lot when I was getting married - complained to my siblings that it was costing too much, and I was changing my mind too many times on details. He never said a word to me, but all to my siblings. It came out when my sister tried to have a chat with me about how my behaviour was stressing out my parents.

It was really hurtful to know I had been slagged off in this way - the accusations were unfounded - but I realised years later that growing up like this really shook my confidence from childhood upwards.

I am now an annoyingly touchy feely open discussion type parent, or as much as I can be anyway.

It was quite amusing actually, I could see them at the top of the garden and it was mainly my Mum speaking, so I crept up like a cat behind her, my Dad could see me coming but couldn't warn her as I was too near . Another time they thought they'd hung up the phone but actually left me a lengthy voicemail ripping me and my character to absolute ribbons!

sparklysilverribbons that's awful!

It's true that it has a massive affect though, I never believe anyone likes me and are laughing at me or pulling faces behind my back, I have spent so many years being pulled to pieces an criticised by my own family.

I think most people do this but some are a lot more 'vicious' than others. My Mum was always moaning about people and was hyper critical of everyone even her best friends. My Dad didn't normally speak about people and usually ignored her comments.

I am now an annoyingly touchy feely open discussion type parent, or as much as I can be anyway.

Oh yes ditto! Or at least I'm striving to be. My family was always much more the repress everything and sweep it under the rug type, an opposite but no more helpful approach to life imo.

My mum used to do this, I remember going out every afternoon after school with 'friends' of hers and their children (a different 'friend' every day of the week and regardless of whether we kids liked each other or not) and my mum would sit and bitch to the other mother about all their other mates. Then she'd go home and phone up her other cronies and rip apart the one she'd just seen! She also slagged off her sisters to each other and anyone else who would listen, and never had a good word for either of my grandmothers.

I hated it, and the biggest compliment of my life came when I was 12 and a girl at school commented that I was never bitchy. I've slipped a bit since then, but I try not to be unkind about anybody in front of the children, and to qualify any negative remark I might make to anybody else. I know that this is part of my lifelong quest to be nothing like my mother.

I know it's unhealthy to try to be someone you're not. Not sure how healthy it is to go through life trying NOT to be someone I partly am!

PILs do this. It took me a while To realise why and with them I believe it's moré a control freak thing than empty Life, although that could be part of it for MIL, who is the worse of the Two.

I don't think it's normal, but I do agree it could be a coping mechanism for some.

Generally no. A bit of veting if someone is annoying, which I think is normal e.g, when my gran came over who my mum loved, she could sometimes say racist stuff. My mum might vent about that afterwards. But I still knew she loved her.

NO. I am really against this. The rule when I was a kid was that you didn't talk about someone behind their back. This is safe, but pretty hard to maintain. I reckon pleasant gossip about what people are up to is fair enough, but it is REALLY easy to let it slip into passing comment and judging, and once you have that mentality, it is hard to get out of. You can see it, e.g. in shops, where a customer will be making a perfectly reasonable comment (or not reasonable, whatever), and you can see that the shop employee is 'commenting' mentally and only just maintaining a straight face. It often comes through in the employee's tone of voice that they are judging, and that the customer will be barely 10 feet away before the employee is having a good slag off to her colleagues. I intensely dislike it and I think employers should jump on it very hard with both feet. It's very prevalent in the NHS where I work too and it's something that ward leaders should step on hard as well.

Train yourself out of it. It is possible to start thinking positively about people and stop the judging. Most religions have rules about this ('don't bear false witness') and although I am an atheist, I believe strongly that there is a lot of positive social training in religion.

This thread is so pertinent to me today. Last. night Iwatched August:Ossage County, won,t spoil it, no more than to say the only difference between the main protagonist and my mother, was my mother drank rather than popped pills.

A total monster really, the Matriarch and font of all bile.
Feeling a bit shell shocked this morning, I felt embarrassed watching, it was as if someone had spied on my families dynamic and decided to write a script.

This is probably the wrong thread isn,t it? Sorry.

I would say this is not normal and what some of you describe is quite shocking.

My family were always loyal towards people and we were always brought up to treat people kindly/put others before ourselves. Anything remotely gossipy would be whispered.