Do all families have big slag-off sessions behind closed doors?

[Pink01]

I hope I can explain this properly and thank you to anyone who can reply.

When I was growing up my parents were quite sociable people. I would say they had a wide circle of friends from childhood and 'new' friends. Also had a few close family members.

For as long as I can remember though they would slag people off. Not when they were there obviously but between themselves and to my siblings and I. My dad was the worst at it and was very superior. He would make generalisations or comments which, looking back, he can't have known were 100% true.

As I got older this moved onto the people my siblings and I were friends with and their families, just put downs and criticism. I suppose because they were different to us? I don't know. It also applied to family like my grandparents especially when they got older and more infirm. My dad could be really spiteful.

Anyway sorry this is getting long. I suppose my question is, do all families do this? Is it normal, or only normal to a certain extent? When I look back I can't believe some of the opinions they voiced to us, as we were only children and it a lot of it was quite inappropriate when I think about it now.

I don't want to be like them. I have the same best friend today that I had then but I can't really ask her if the second I walked out her house her parents ripped into me, my family, our outlook on money, lifestyle etc!

I don't know if anyone will get what I mean but it feels nice to have written this down so thank you if you read this far!

My inlaws do this. I tend to excuse myself and go and make a drink or something or if I can be bothered I'll disagree. No one is safe from their slagging off sessions.

Luckily I have a very thick skin so don't really care but I have stopped cooking anything for them after listening to them moaning about every meal someone else has cooked for them.

If they ever ask why, I'll tell them.

I think it's a control thing and to make themselves feel better about themselves. The irony is that it actually makes them paranoid and suspicious as they think everyone else is the same. Sad really.

It's normal to an extent - most families will probably pass some sort of comment but just really about what was in front of them, not ripping people to shreds. Someone would get ripped to shreds if they were a generally problematic/trouble making person but not otherwise.

What your dad does doesn't sound normal, just moaning and nasty really. Quite common though. I remember my parents moaning after visiting our cousins because their house was a health hazard! But really that was just saying what they saw.

My parents did this, it was horrible. My DF in particular thought he was hilarious. They also got weird "crushes" on new people whom they would think were marvellous for a whie, but eventually these people would fall from grace and get bitched about too. My parents also had reason to move 200 miles from their hometown not long before I was born, and consequently spent a lot of time slagging off everything about where we lived as well. It was so draining.

It took me years to see that this wasn't normal, and even more time to stop myself from thinking/speaking about people negatively. I have said some very unkind things about people in the past, and I am ashamed of that. I work very hard at thinking/speaking positively now, but my DM hates the fact I won't engage in her nastiness.

My family doesnt do this but I've met a number of people who do seem to be like this.

My parents were very much of the 'if you can't say anything nice say nothing at all' school of thought and I try to be the same.

I will comment to DH tho if I dont like or disagree with something. The bitchiest we've been is after weddings when we say what we did and didnt like but that was more seeing what we wanted to copy or improve for our own wedding. Now we're married we dont seem to have those conversations anymore!

I would never say we slag people off tho as that implies being overly harsh and critical. We might just make a passing comment (eg I didnt like having to wait for 3 hours in the sun before drinks were served at a wedding)

My dad is vicious. he holds pretty much nearly everyone in some sort of contempt. Because of this I can imagine what he says about me, dp, or my children when we are not there and I hate it.
He is awful about my BIL (my sister's husband) and I expect he is awful about my dp too. It puts a strain on things. At family occasions I am tense all the time thinking about how we will be judged later. I wonder why this is why we are not married? It is hard to imagine having a really happy day while knowing the sorts of things my dad will have said in advance and afterwards. when dd1 was a tiny baby, days old, I hated it when my family descended on me to "celebrate" because I was not physically able to do much and dp didn't know the precise things that they expected of him and it was passive aggressive posturing all around and incredibly uncomfortable. I wish I could have that time again because I felt we had done something wrong and welcomed dd inadequately, done her some sort of disservice

my parents do this and it is not nice - my mum especially - when I've tried to point this out they defend themselves by saying "well, its the trueth".

I try very hard not to make comments about people but on occasion I know that I have slipped and part of me feels a bit hypocritical because although I may not be saying something negative I'm thinking it! Need to try and reprogramme my unconscious brain!

This is interesting - my ex used to do this and I never really gave it that much thought but for him it was definitely all about making himself feel more important than he was.
He also would have thought this was totally normal to do this and was v paranoid about what people thought if him when I think the reality is most people don't care.

Wow thank you for all the replies! It's good to hear we weren't the only ones but also that this was not normal and that there are nice families out there

Sympathies to those who are still living with it. It must be horrible My DF is dead now and I stopped putting up with his nonsense years before that, but I feel it still had a lasting impact on me anyway.

Someone said to me once that basically, if they don't behave as if they like their own friends, then subconsciously I must have been wondering if they actually even liked me!? Some of your stories bear this out - the wondering what they will say about you once you've gone.

Floozy - no I think it's is the right thread. I understand exactly where you are coming from. My dad became an alcoholic later in life which only exacerbated his behaviour but he was always the same, even when he was sober. x

My parents were like this growing up and still are. I hate it. They are jealous and insecure and have fallen out with every neighbour they've ever had because they bitch so much behind peoples backs about stuff that doesn't really matter and then this spills over into their interactions with people. Neither of them have many friends either. It's really sad and I hate the fact I grew up around this attitude, it's definitely affected my self esteem. I just can't fathom wasting so much energy bitching. It's also affected my relationship with extended family members as my parents would bitch and take the piss out of them all the time behind closed doors. Like you OP it happened with our school friends too..

I can tell when my mum is going to start by the tone of her voice and have started acting oblivious and turning whatever she says into a positive iyswim. It often stops her in her tracks. I get so fed up of everything being turned into a negative. For example she moaned because my aunt turned up with a birthday gift but couldn't stop for a cuppa and then a few weeks later moaned about the same aunt because she had turned up 'and stood there expecting to be let in..' It's exhausting.

Just want to add that I'm glad you started this thread as I have often wondered about other families.

My mum's parents are just the same so I can see where she got it from but I am always conscious that I don't want my dd to grow up in the same environment and honestly my dp and I have much more interesting things to talk about!

I've just remembered my mum telling me what my nan said to her about my db when he left the room 'I don't like him, I've never liked him...' I was flabbergasted.

I'm sure they all do it about me and my dp too.

So does talking about other people = bitching?

I've found myself doing this, because I want to understand why someone's doing something and talking it over with someone else gives me a different perspective.

It's not the same as that Avalon, I think what you describe is normal, I certainly talk things over with dp etc

This is more spiteful/unreasonable I would say.

I don't think talking about people is necessarily bitching. you can even talk about people's flaws without bitching if you are well disposed towards them (although you should not do that in front of just anyone)

I love to talk about people and would like nothing better than to talk about them all the time, but (given my discomfort with the way my dad is) am very careful about bitching. Even still, I will criticise people but would be very careful about who heard it. I wouldn't in front of dcs, for instance, unless I have to, because I wouldn't put them in the position of having heard things they shouldn't repeat

(examples of when you have to are like when you have just told them not to do something and they say, "well so-and-so does" and you kind of have to say "they shouldn't" although I usually cop out and say "well I am not so-and-so's mummy")

Phew! That's good to know.

What sparkly said. I too have always had the sneaking suspicion that people don't really like me, so have tended to try and get in there first by being superior to them. I very consciously don't now as an adult, having moved away from where I grew up.

My DM never does this about her friends, though. She does about mine. I have a friend whose name she never uses, she just makes a sort of fat impression by blowing her cheeks out and holding her arms out wider. It's embarrassing and I just ignore her. I think in her case it is a narc thing. She is lovely in many ways, but this is one of the control freak features she has.

My dm did not bitch about her friends but she definitely felt inferior to them. Most of them were married, financially comfortable so lived in non council homes, drive new cars, holidayed often.

My dm had a way of making me feel that people did not like me/take to me. She was deliberately unfriendly to people I brought home. She made me question my friendships and relationships. Meanwhile she was treated terribly by her cheating, lying, tight wad long term partner.

I still struggle with accepting that people are not out to 'get me' or 'use me'

No, my parents didn't, DHs parents didn't and we don't.

When they are in bed we might have a little quiet bitch, just the two if us

My DM does something like this. She gossips and judges and pontificates on people's lives and choices in a really superior way. Even her voice changes - it becomes authoritative and clipped like she's reading the news and it's so negative. For example talking about someone going through cancer treatment and says its making them needy and must be such a pressure on the husband - yeah no shit!

I used to take what she said as gospel but then I realised she was just negative and mean. My SIS does the same.

On one special day I caught them doing it to me! Fuckers! And what they were saying was bollocks.

After a brief awkwardness they just pretended it had never happened.

I get told off for not being welcoming and for not inviting them to my house enough. There's absolutely no point in telling them why because I will be made to feel mad for holding a grudge.

I had male neighbours like this either side of me who loved to get together for a bitch fest and pick everyone they knew to pieces. It was funny but vicious, and I always worried what they said about me too. After a bit I just avoided their company. But it turned out left hand neighbour was a bitter hypocrite who despite living with his wife and four children had a secret promiscuous gay life. When that imploded I didn't feel so bad over their disapproval. They just weren't very nice people and I was better off avoiding them.

Haven't read thread but as you want a feel for how normal it is :

No and I was glad of it as I grew up and met others who do this. It helped me be less judgemental about others lives, I think. It's also such a negative way to be.

I do think negative thoughts though (not so much judgy more that I can find people annoying - that's another thread!), I just don't feel I have a right to inflict my temporarily jaded opinions on other people.

My parents did that too! Or, my mom did specifically, and then the older children would join in.

It made me really uncomfortable. It still does. I've told them, "I don't do gossip really," which made them roll their eyes but stop. Until I leave, I guess!

I think it's an awful thing to do in front of kids.

My mother does this. In fact, we had a discussion about it today - or rather I discussed, she ranted. She says it's entirely normal to talk about family members and their business and that it's healthy. I said that I disagreed and that I don't want to do this.

When I was younger, she used to fall out with various members of the family and then ask me to mediate because I was 'neutral'. I told her today how much I'd disliked being put in this position and said that I wasn't going to do it ever again. She has fallen out with my eldest brother and I've told her that it's for her to sort out with him.

I don't know why people do this. My mother does it because she says it's normal for ALL people from her country (Austria) to do this. Utterly ridiculous.

My mum and sister do this, I hate it. It's not particularly vicious but it's wearing and I don't like it when they try and get me to slag off the in laws as an example.

I know they do it about me too.