How much housework etc does your DH do?

[JosephineBornapart]

I'm wanting some perspective on this because it's in danger of being a deal breaker in this household!
Please do not suggest a cleaner- this is not the answer and we don't want to spend hard earned cash on it.

Our DCs have left home now and as a consequence I've increased my work- although it's home based and I'm self employed, so can end up being very busy some weeks and very quiet others.

DH does practically nothing- well, I don't think he does which is where I need some helpful opinions.

He does: putting wheelie bins out, emptying dishwasher and stacking 90% of the time, maintaining the computer and IT stuff, irons his own shirts ( a new development since I refused to any more.) and pays all bills online.

I do everything else including all laundry, meal planning, food shopping ( in person or online), buying DCs presents for birthdays and Xmas, all housework, gardening - borders- except heavy digging and grass cutting.

He leaves home at 7.45, comes home around 6.30 though twice a month he is away for 1-2 nights ( work) and travels overseas now and then.

My biggest moan about his lack of contribution is cooking ( he doesn't and won't try unless constantly nagged) and housework. I have asked him to do ONE job- hoover the stairs once a week- which he does but needs reminding.

I am heartily sick of him. He just doesn't 'get' it. I am a professional, married at 30 and have always worked though p/t since DCs. I never intended to skivvy after a man but seem to be.

If he goes into a supermarket he will phone to ask if there is anything 'we' need - which means have I forgotten anything for the meal.

Usually I don't because I am organised- sometimes I say to him yes, we need supper so buy something- so he'll buy a ready meal, which is fine.

But he won't offer and even though I've said him cooking once a week at a weekend would be great, he chooses to forget.

I just wonder how this compares with other couples?

If DH is at home he leaves at 8 and is home on average at 9pm although it can be later, about once a week he gets home at 7. He works away from home about 10 days a month, long hours, stressful job. I work ten days a month.

DH does all cooking at the weekends and often the evenings when he's at home

I do all the cooking when he's not here, food shopping, financial maintenance, clean the bathroom, clothes washin (we have an ironing lady), present buying, kid clothes/school stuff and ferrying kids about and decorating (we've got a doer-upper).

We both do, tidying, cleaning, bins, diy, car, gardening.

The kids do the dishwasher and a bit of hoovering.

In a nutshell I do what needs to be done when I'm the only one at home and when there are two of us it's team effort. It's how it should be and I'm not going to say DH is very good or I got a good one because it's simply how it should be.

(Although he is very good).

Very little: bins, recycling, gardening, DIY. Other things only if nagged.

That'll teach me to work from home!

I sympathise . My dh does even less than yours!! I have decided to just do the bare minimum now. If I feel like cooking, i do, if not he has to cook or we go out/get takeaway meal. Shirts are sent to dry cleaners. I have a fortnightly cleaner. I will not be a housemaid...!

He does not put bins out, (forgets)! However if I don't put the bins out, we are left with overflowing bins. He does not do any banking/paying bills and again, if left to him, we'd be in a right mess!! Hence I have been responsible for everything to do with the house/family for past 20 years!!!

My last dc goes to Uni later this year, and it will be just 2 of us at home. So things will be changing, one way or another.....

If you take the 'housework' word out of your list then the division seems ok (unless you have a sissinghurst type garden needing masses of maintenance).

So it basically comes down to hoovering, dusting, cleaning bathrooms?

I know you said you didnt want a cleaner but the above 3 things is what they do.

Do you see from both you and your husbands list you've already both got plenty to do?

Other choices are nobody doing it or doing it only when you really have to - and doing it 'together'. That's what tends to happen here. I suspect I care less about the cleaning part than you do

And cooking? Simplify it. Shop online, buy healthy ready meals, eat a lot of baked potatoes that take 12 minutes in the microwave for 2 giant ones. Or eat 'picky' food that's really healthy like deli foods that don't need cooking. We've pretty much converted to that at the moment as I just can't be bothered with cooking right now.

He doesn't do much at the moment, dishwasher, bins, diy, maintenance on both cars, mows the lawn and makes practically all the tea we drink (lots). He does other jobs if I am cleaning and he is home as he he doesn't like to watch me do it.
But this is because I am a SAHM, before we had the children I used to work longer hours than him so during term time (I was a teacher) he did probably 75% of what needed doing.

DH probably does about 60% of it. We tend to do rooms together as that makes it less boring and we chat throughout. He's totally responsible for laundry and putting it all away, I do slightly more cooking, he does slightly more DIY. He now does more 'organising' of social events, buying presents/cards etc. whereas years ago I used to do it all. We've always had a bit of an open house and have friends over regularly. For those times, we cook together and share the cleaning up after.

DH leaves at 7.30 and is home around 6-6.30 he does all the washing up from tea and x3 during the weekend (dc do the drying and putting away) he also does the gardening, hoovering and cleans the bathroom and usually puts the bins out. We share the lawn as its big.

I do laundry, dusting, polishing, cooking and shopping. I think I've got the better deal

Laurie- I will not have a cleaner. I have had one once when I was getting over a serious illness and I didn't like the intrusion and now as I work from home I don't want anyone cleaning around me.

I don't need advice on how to cook quickly or healthily :) or online- already do that. It's the pressure of always being the one 99.9% of the time making sure the food is in the fridge and in the fruit bowl etc. He takes no responsibility for this at all.

Laundry- I change bed, iron duvert cover ( don't nag me on that- it's 100% cotton and I like them ironed), hoover, dust, clean loos, clean bathroom(s), wash kitchen floor, throws out newspapers for recycling, clean oven, clean windows inside.....

Then stop doing it.

I think your standards are really high.

Genuine question: why is it fair to decide your standard of cleanliness is the 'right' one?

I'm not getting at you, honest. I just think that people are often out of kilter when it comes to deciding how clean they want their house to be.

I do think you're both doing quite a lot.

Please explain what you mean by 'standards are high'?

Do you mean the housework?

I can't see how hoovering the house once a week, mopping the kitchen floor maybe 2 x a week, weekly dust and clean bathroom weekly is a lot.

I work from home and unlike someone who comes home every night at 7pm, I am sitting here all day. I cannot sit and work in a dirt house. My home is NOT clean compared to friends and neighbours who don't work and do MUCH more housework.

It's not about me doing less, it's about DH taking some responsibility for the day to day stuff and not expecting waitress service every single day.

Why do you think he doesn't do what you agreed to be fair? What does he say when you complain about it?

What does he say would instil permanent change?

I...yes I'm a man do half the weekly housework, I do upstairs, wife and son do down....
I work full time, wife is a stay at home mum, she prepares meals, son and I clear table and load dishwasher. It is sons job to do bins and empty dishwasher, but men to make sure he does it.
Wife does all the ironing and washing, usually during the day while I'm at work.....
Paying bills etc I make sure money is in bank, she makes sure it goes to the correct people in a timeous manner.....
It kind of works although sometimes son doesn't make his own bed and Armageddon ensues.......

We both work FT and commute together; I do all the driving. He does all laundry and ironing, most gardening, bins. He cooks once a week. He does more tidying and kitchen cleaning than me, but we ask that the DC do some of that too. I do most shopping and cooking and all the financial stuff and paperwork. We do have a cleaner every other week.

My jobs:
Shopping
Bills - including changing suppliers / other admin
Arranging things (getting to appointments, booking things etc.)

DH's jobs:
Laundry
Bins

Everything else gets shared, usually based on who has the time / inclination. We don't stress a lot about housework generally, DH has a lower tolerance for mess than me so probably does more.

I'm on mat leave at the moment so I tend to keep downstairs tidied because I'm the one who makes the mess (assisted by DD and DS) but if I've been busy with the children or just cba then DH will tidy up instead.

Cooking gets split pretty evenly, Dh will generally ask if he's on cooking or baby duty and is happy with either.

It works ok for us I think mostly because we're both quite laid back.

Yep, you hit the nail on the head.

you work from home, he's out and can't see the mess

you can't work in an unclean house

You're coming across as quite annoyed - if your dh expects 'waitress service' like you said then stop doing it. If you just think he doesn't and in reality he might say, actually I don't give a monkeys I'll get chips on the way home then you need to talk.

I do think that the advice I gave you about doing it together (and what you're describing will only take an hour) may be the best way.

If you put it to him on Sunday and say that he gets to walk into a clean office tomorrow and you'd like to do the same, can we do it together - see what response you get ?

I have to say, what works for one couple won't work for another.

The one that works PT &/or from home picks up the lions share of housework. That includes cooking, or preparation for.

After a period of illness, and working from home DH has discovered he likes ironing result and I've not had to do any for months now. He always cooks at weekends. He hoovers. on days he works from home, you'd think I had a maid.

I wish he'd work from home all the time >sigh< it's such a doss.

Yes. I'm not sure it's particularly worthwhile asking how other couples manage this, because individuals and the sort of relationships they are in, will be different.

However I learned a long time ago that these tussles are as much a barometer of what's going on in the relationship itself, as the old chestnuts about sex and having enough to chat about over dinner in a restaurant.

"Maintaining the computer?" How the feck did that make it onto a list of real jobs?

OP you need to sit him down and make him understand that you are 'heartily sick of him'. He's got to understand that this is affecting your feelings for him and your relationship.

You should write a list of your working hours, his working hours, all the chores that need doing with approximate times, call a meeting and divide them up between you.

I don't think you have 'high standards' by the way, your to do list sounds normal. However, personally there is no better investment for my hard earned cash than paying a cleaner to do things I don't want to.

I work from home some days. Some chores such as the laundry and hoovering get done throughout the day as it gives me little breaks from my desk.

Other things get done during the evening when we're all at home. Just say something like, "The kitchen needs a wipe over, the bins need emptying and the floor needs a clean. Which do you want to do?".

For things like meal-planning and shopping, I think that's different. That's stuff that takes forethought and "brain space". Perhaps it's something you can sit down and plan together or split the responsibility for?

Neither of you enjoy cleaning. You say don't suggest getting a cleaner. So that's out although it's far the best solution. You will have to make up a list of chores put either your name or your DH's against each chore and pin it up on the wall. And specify days you want the work done. He must know what you expect.

We used to split the laundry - ie I would do mine, DH would do his. And the same with ironing. He doesn't bother ironing anything (or v rarely). Now we have kids I do theirs as well so I still end up doing more. But could you try that? Get him a laundry basket and say right that's yours, sort out your own washing/hanging out/putting away.

As for food he will cook ready meal type stuff - never anything from scratch. He just has no interest in cooking and doesn't see home cooked food as any better than convenience type food.
His argument which is probably the same as your DHs is that my standards are higher and that why should he clean/hoover when he sees no need.

If you earn more per hour than you'd pay the cleaner, I'm really not seeing the problem. Could you think of it as 'office cleaning'? I don't imagine your DH clean his office? If you find having someone in your house bothers you, go out for a couple of hours.

If you don't want to 'wait' on your DH, then don't. The supermarket thing is annoying, but you could make it his job to stock up on certain things like loo roll or milk or he has to do an online shop each week (you jointly set up the first order).

Is this really about feeling taken for granted?

Actually I think yours does 100% more than mine

Mine is supposed to put bins out but "forgets" and fills up the kitchen bin with recycling because he thinks it's stupid. He does the dishwasher about twice a week and argues that he always does it.

I do everything on your list plus the computer stuff and bills. Plus I have a 6 yo to look after, work Mon to Fri, do all school runs and look after her all weekend. DH is at work most weekends.

Mine does probably the same or more than me.

You could try splitting the responsibility - the thing is that he's clearly seeing it all as your domain and then assuming that he shouldn't interfere and/or that it's not necessary for him to do anything (but if he does it's a nice gesture). You want to swing it back around to being that he feels it's his job as much as it is yours.

So - for example split the jobs e.g. he does hoovering and you do wiping down of sides etc. Or he has one (/two/three/seven) room of the house while you have another (/the others). Which means he decides how often it needs doing and does it. Perhaps pick one which doesn't bother you so much if you work at home - but you might find that he starts off hoovering when it looks like it needs it and then decides to pre-empt this and discovers that every 10 days or once a week is optimal. Myself, I'm a "clean it when it looks dirty" person but if I was more observant and/or had fewer jobs to keep an eye on then I'd probably better notice when something needed doing so that it didn't get dirty in the first place.