How much housework etc does your DH do?

[JosephineBornapart]

I'm wanting some perspective on this because it's in danger of being a deal breaker in this household!
Please do not suggest a cleaner- this is not the answer and we don't want to spend hard earned cash on it.

Our DCs have left home now and as a consequence I've increased my work- although it's home based and I'm self employed, so can end up being very busy some weeks and very quiet others.

DH does practically nothing- well, I don't think he does which is where I need some helpful opinions.

He does: putting wheelie bins out, emptying dishwasher and stacking 90% of the time, maintaining the computer and IT stuff, irons his own shirts ( a new development since I refused to any more.) and pays all bills online.

I do everything else including all laundry, meal planning, food shopping ( in person or online), buying DCs presents for birthdays and Xmas, all housework, gardening - borders- except heavy digging and grass cutting.

He leaves home at 7.45, comes home around 6.30 though twice a month he is away for 1-2 nights ( work) and travels overseas now and then.

My biggest moan about his lack of contribution is cooking ( he doesn't and won't try unless constantly nagged) and housework. I have asked him to do ONE job- hoover the stairs once a week- which he does but needs reminding.

I am heartily sick of him. He just doesn't 'get' it. I am a professional, married at 30 and have always worked though p/t since DCs. I never intended to skivvy after a man but seem to be.

If he goes into a supermarket he will phone to ask if there is anything 'we' need - which means have I forgotten anything for the meal.

Usually I don't because I am organised- sometimes I say to him yes, we need supper so buy something- so he'll buy a ready meal, which is fine.

But he won't offer and even though I've said him cooking once a week at a weekend would be great, he chooses to forget.

I just wonder how this compares with other couples?

DH is out of the house 7.30am - 5.45pm
I am out of the house 8am - 5.15pm (I do the school runs on the way and on the way back from work)

I do the cooking on the weekdays. He does it on the weekends. The kids wash up.

He goes shopping on a Sat while I do the cleaning. We both do the laundry washing (neither of us iorns).

He does the bins and wipes the kitchen down while I do the general daily 15 minutes clean after dinner.

I pay the bills - he arranges anything to do with the cars.

I do the decorating - he does the garden.

I work from home.

I don't do housework during the day, because I am working. OK, occasionally I may do something v minor or cook a quick sauce at lunchtime but then when I've worked OTH I've picked up stuff in my lunch hour too. I have a job and I need to do it during the day.

In answer to your first question, we pretty well share it.

Instead of listing things, think of it as the time spent doing stuff in the house.

I cook, he washes the pots [we don't have a dishwasher]
I do the washing, he irons.
I do DIY, and he hoovers
anything else, like cleaning, we do a blitz once a month and do a quick wipe over of kitchen/bathroom surfaces daily [he does kitchen after the pots are done, I might do the kitchen whilst cooking].

We used to have a cleaner, now I only work 2 days a week but have my own business that I work on 3 days a week so I do some extra on the one weekday that I'm here alone. I might say 'we need a blitz' and we plan it in, take half the house each and get to it. Usually takes 2-3 hours each and he will hoover behind everything for an extra 2 hours which more than makes up for the additional extra I do during the non-blitz phases.

I garden for a living so am outside most days, we split the garden and I do the veggie beds/fruit trees and he does the borders. We share the lottie work so he does any digging/humping/paths and I do the pruning/planting and he will do some planting if there are extras that need doing.

I've had a breakthrough this morning . DH was in his usual position on settee, magazine in hand. I'd already sorted the dirty washing. So I went in and said "right, I'm off to the garden. You and DD go up to her room and get it sorted out." He looked blank. "is it a mess then?" "Yes. She has pulled every single thing out and spread it across the room. I'd like it back how I had it". And off they went! Result .

DH has a very physical and tireing job he will leave home between 6.30-7.30 depending on time hes starting and then gets home about 5pm. Hes always tired out and filthy so he usually gets straight in a bath has tea and then chills out for a bit before helping me with bedtime routine, so week days he doesnt do any cleaning at all i just dont think it would be fair.

Weekend he does do more will do things like cleaning the cooker, if anything is visiblly dirty he will give it a wipe down. He will also wash up after sunday dinner things like that.

I actually prefer me doing cleaning though that way i know its done right :) Im not 1 of these women who constantly moan about their DHs not lifting a finger, obviously if he was to make a mess and just leave it for me to clean i wouldnt be happy but hes generally quite good at cleaning up after himself if he knows hes made a mess

Funnily enough I've just written about this exact issue.

justsomestuffaboutus.wordpress.com/2014/02/02/on-the-subject-of-wifework/

DH does a huge chunk of things at home now and I feel guilty and ridiculous about it. I don't think we can win.

My DH does the dishes a couple times a week (mainly weekends) and will cook dinner/finish cooking/prepare food if I'm getting 20 month DD to bed. He also puts the bins out.

Ummm, think that's it!

Though in fairness I'm in the "I like things done my way" camp and I usually would prefer to do it myself. I do all washing, ironing, hoovering, dusting, tidying, bathroom cleaning, food planning and shopping. Basically everything!

However, DH is out the house 10+ hours M-F working very hard running his own company so we can live a not uncomfortable life and so I only have to work one day and one night every 8 days. I have just started maternity leave for DC2 due in 4 weeks though.

Somedays I would prefer it if he took the initiative to load/empty the washing machine or put the Hoover round, but it's not the end of the world.

I don't feel remotely guilty about the fact my partner does quite a bit of housework. I hate housework.

Of course 'we' can win. Guilt about an equitable distribution of household labour is a bit pointless, surely? There are (a) bigger battles to fight (b) other guilt-inducing aspects of parenthood, if guilt is what you are after.

Interesting that you feel guilt Nolans, especially as you recognise it's a ridiculous thing to feel guilty about. See how we as women have internalised this idea that we and we alone are responsible for the household chores?!

I'd feel guilty if I wasted my working day cleaning the kitchen!

My dh does as much if not more than me when he's home. He has to otherwise it would never happen I simply don't have the time to do everything!

I do, too. I feel guilty when DH does too much stuff, alongside feeling grateful/happy. I know this is totally ridiculous and he would say (and has in the past) if he felt put upon.

You feel guilty because a grown man is looking after himself? I don't understand that attitude.

All of these men who work hard and are tired would still have to do all the food shopping, cooking, tidying up, clothes washing, bathroom cleaning, hovering, dusting, gardening, diy, bills, clothes shopping, birthday remembering, etc. if they lived alone.

Suddenly, they can give up the bulk of it because they live with a woman? That makes no sense to me.

My dh is a fully functioning adult who does not need me to look after himself or to tell him what to do and I don't feel ridiculous, guilty or embarrassed about that.

I think it's more that I don't work from home, I work part time and have two full mornings a week where DS is at kindergarten and I am at home with "nothing to do" so I feel like I should be doing something! DH doesn't though, his attitude is if I can do some errand type things then brilliant (because he doesn't get time to) and if I keep on top of the day to day housework then that shouldn't take long and I get the rest of the time to relax - nice compensation for being pretty much the sole parent to DS all this time

I do all the shopping, cooking and laundry, dp does bins, gardening and all diy.

Quite split into male/female roles but that's the way we were brought up and suits us and we are crap at each others jobs!

We share cleaning- I do upstairs as he seems to not be able to see it. ..whereas if the kitchen and living room turn into a pig sty he goes into action.

I know it's ridiculous! I'm not wallowing in martyrish guilt or anything, I just find it fascinating that so many of us feel this way despite knowing it's stupid to.

Less than me by quite a bit. He works longer hours and has a longer commute though. So, all in all, we have the same leisure time iyswim, and he does housework wherever possible. So although I do more, we're both equal in terms of relaxation.

OP, focusing on one thing - you have asked him to cook one meal at t.e weekend and he 'chooses to forget'. So follow through with the consequences of that. Tell him, ONCE, you want him to book Saturday dinner, then just leave it. On Saturday, when he asks where dinner is, say 'I don't know - you're doing it tonight. You carry on and I will get some work done /read my book / phone my friend'. If he has to go out and buy food then so be it. But you MUST not step in and sort it out. If I were you I would hide a sandwich or something upstairs so you have an emergency option for you!

I think one meal a week is very reasonable given your respective workloads. So state your expectations and then stand back and don't pick up the slack.

We have a pretty even split. Before pg I would do all the laundry and we'd clean together. Dh did most of the cooking as I had a much longer journey. I got pg and was (attempting) to work and he had to do it all, no complaining. Now I am at home and I do the vast majority as he is working and I am not, although the hg days i have he will do the work.

I prefer to do laundry as I don't like the way he does it and cleaning well it will do when he does it. I feel fortunate.

My X was hopeless it really used to upset me. I had to nag over every little thing and even then it never got done. Glad he is an X.

Oh bill wise as much as possible is direct debit as I don't speak Dutch so can't sort that side out and he would always forget. I have to nag to make sure bills are paid though that fall outside of that. I am in charge of our money and budget though.

And he does most of the ironing and is in charge of car cleaning.

Men should help out unless expressly told otherwise by the partner. There is some good advice about just leaving it if he 'forgets' too although I wonder if he'd just reach for the takeaway menu if that happened?

It's normally split about 65/35 with us with my DH doing the 65. I have a more stressful job then him and he is very appreciative of the fact that I'm the main bread winner.

At the moment though it's more like 90/10 with me doing the 10 as I'm 31 weeks pregnant and once I've done a full day of teaching and prep/marking I can barely keep my eyes open long enough in the evenings to do more then shovel food in my face, play with DD and then climb into bed about 30 minutes after DD has gone to bed.

I do quite a bit more than DH, but he works ft and I work pt. He also works longer hours than me when I am at work and is doing a pt uni course. If I added the time I take doing house stuff to my at work hours and did the same for him I reckon it would be pretty equal.

He did more pre dd when I worked ft and he wasn't doing uni as well as work. It's swings and roundabouts in a marriage- in 18 months his course will be over and I will be back working ft- we will go back to sharing things at home out more then.

In response to what he does at the moment- He irons most of his clothes, does bins/recycling, sorts fire out (cuts kindling, makes fire, cleans up etc), hoovers and mops about 25% of the time, empties dishwasher 70% of the time, does 50% of washing up, does 40% of nursery runs.