How much housework etc does your DH do?

[JosephineBornapart]

I'm wanting some perspective on this because it's in danger of being a deal breaker in this household!
Please do not suggest a cleaner- this is not the answer and we don't want to spend hard earned cash on it.

Our DCs have left home now and as a consequence I've increased my work- although it's home based and I'm self employed, so can end up being very busy some weeks and very quiet others.

DH does practically nothing- well, I don't think he does which is where I need some helpful opinions.

He does: putting wheelie bins out, emptying dishwasher and stacking 90% of the time, maintaining the computer and IT stuff, irons his own shirts ( a new development since I refused to any more.) and pays all bills online.

I do everything else including all laundry, meal planning, food shopping ( in person or online), buying DCs presents for birthdays and Xmas, all housework, gardening - borders- except heavy digging and grass cutting.

He leaves home at 7.45, comes home around 6.30 though twice a month he is away for 1-2 nights ( work) and travels overseas now and then.

My biggest moan about his lack of contribution is cooking ( he doesn't and won't try unless constantly nagged) and housework. I have asked him to do ONE job- hoover the stairs once a week- which he does but needs reminding.

I am heartily sick of him. He just doesn't 'get' it. I am a professional, married at 30 and have always worked though p/t since DCs. I never intended to skivvy after a man but seem to be.

If he goes into a supermarket he will phone to ask if there is anything 'we' need - which means have I forgotten anything for the meal.

Usually I don't because I am organised- sometimes I say to him yes, we need supper so buy something- so he'll buy a ready meal, which is fine.

But he won't offer and even though I've said him cooking once a week at a weekend would be great, he chooses to forget.

I just wonder how this compares with other couples?

OP, this is the man you chose. You can't change your partner.
It sounds like he does quite a lot to be fair.
I too am not going to say what happens in our household as we are completely different to you and it wouldn't be helpful.

Between us we half it and doesnt take more than a couple of hours over the week.

Hmm, I would say that he probably should pull his weight a little bit more.

Does he actually like cooking? Do you like it? I do 100% of the cooking in our house because I like it and am better at it than dh. But dh always cleans the kitchen spotlessly each night which is a job I hate but which he sort of enjoys.

Can you write out a list of chores and sit down with him and discuss who prefers what job. Rather than sharing tasks divide them up.

If he fails to comply you could always go on strike...

I'm also usually a bit sceptical of people who equate occasional DIY jobs with the daily grind of cooking meals, housework and laundry. Unless you live in a wreck of a house, DIY is an occasional "bung that picture up on the wall, will you?" sort of thing. Which I did this morning, and it took me precisely a minute and a half.

What gets me is the total lack of fairness in households where one member does sod all. Dh is fairly crap at housework - he couldn't give a monkeys about dusting or sparkling bath taps - but he does do all the cooking, all the food shopping and most of the dog-walking. We send his much of the ironing out.

It used to drive me mad that OH would never remember to put the bins out. But now I realise it's a lot easier just to do it myself. But he is brilliant in other ways, does half or sometimes more of the cooking, often does the food shopping, gets firewood in and puts the fire on, regularly does the dishwasher. I don't think he has ever in his life cleaned the microwave or the oven and he treats housework as a big "thing" - you know, sets aside 3 hours, writes a list, gets a playlist set up ; he reckons doing that once every 6 weeks is enough, which means I do the inbetween stuff. But he also works longer hours and has a longer commute. It's taken us a bloody long time to get this far but the main thing I realised was that it was me that wanted the sheets changed weekly, so up to me to do it. I wipe down the kitchen counters every night because I like it done; he would be less bothered and only do the obvious spills; etc etc. He does plenty but I've had to learn that my way isn't the only right way heaven forbid he reads this

We're slightly different in that I work FT and DH works part time from home (business admin / management). But if you put me in your Arab role and you in mine - this is how we divide tasks.

My jobs : work FT, play with children when home, bath & bedtime if home in time. Weekends I do cook because I enjoy it but if I cooked in the week we'd not eat until ridiculous hours. I meal plan for us because I like being organised and once every few weeks I'll batch cook some jars of tomato base for pasta sauces.

His jobs: working PT, household maintenance, laundry, recycling, bins, shopping, daily childcare, garden planning / building / maintenance, dog care including daily walks, chicken clean out / feed / egg collection, bill paying, car maintenance (making sure registration and warrant is in date), ordering and collecting my repeat scripts, making coffee in the morning (and my lunch for the day while I eat breakfast).

It looks unbalanced on the face of it. In reality I get home from work, we eat (I'll have planned it, he'll have cooked it), he clears up while I get boys to bed - and we both finish for evening leisure time around the same time.

I suspect I do less than your DH does.

Arab = DH. I have no idea why it autocorrected to that.

If he works full-time and he doesn't get home until 6.30, then presumably it's shower, eat, put feet up for half an hour, that doesn't leave much time for housewiork and it sounds like he does a fair amount anyway tbh.

I think drawing up a list of all the tasks is one thing - I think there are people who don't really think about how many little jobs there are to do to keep a house running, and even if it only takes 5 minutes to put the bins out, lots of little 5 minutes add up.

But what would probably annoy me more is that once he's accepted he's got "his" tasks, like hoovering the stairs, he still needs reminding about them. He'll do the tasks, but he's not doing any of the managing. It would wind me up, because I get wound up at work by people who fail to do things like send in their weekly reports, despite the deadline being the same every single week. Likewise, bins have to go out every Wednesday evening, ready for Thursday morning - apart from over Christmas when it all goes screwy, why should anyone need reminding about that, if it's "their" job?

I agree with the person who said you need to sit down with him and let him know how it's affecting your feelings about him. I think also, if people are going to change, they need to be allowed to screw up, too, so give him a bit of leeway if he forgets to do something, before it's become habit.

Maybe he feels he can't interfere? My mother always used to complain that she always did the cooking - but when other people offered, she was adamant she didn't want people messing up her kitchen with all that fuss and interfering with where everything went (because clearly people aren't capable of cleaning up after themselves, or putting a pot of spice back in the cupboard in the same place where it came from.) I'm not saying that you are like that, but it's worth looking at whether you do give out any mixed messages like that.

Of course, he might just be a lazy arse who realises that if he doesn't do a particular job, then you'll end up doing it in the end anyway - in which case, going on strike probably is the only answer, so that he sees what a difference it makes. I understand this will be difficult for you, (I also need a certain level of cleanliness and tidiness to be able to work from home,) but if you see he really isn't getting the point of it all, you can mentally prepare yourself to do it for a week or two - it will be easier to deal with if you know it's going to be like that, and that it's a deliberate choice.

I like to think that I am living proof that you can actually change a lazy OH and get them to pull their weight. I'm naturally a lazy mare, and just don't even see half the stuff that drives DH mental. Over the years though, we've got to the point of doing 50/50 quite happily, despite his higher standards.

What worked was:

• We have set jobs, which are totally our responsibility. So I'm in charge of food. I meal plan, cook, wash up, empty the dishwasher, and make lunches and breakfasts for the next day. He does the other day-to-day stuff (cats litter trays, quick hoover/sweep and tidy up, laundry). This split works well, as I can't cave in to laziness, otherwise I'll go hungry.

• At the weekend, we spend the same amount of time doing a big clean. He does downstairs, I do upstairs, and we just blast it and get it done as quick as poss.

• He gave me a "rule", which was really helpful (although I admit I initially told him to fuck off), which was every time I enter a room, I should look around and do one thing to make it a bit tidier before I sit down. He does this automatically, and after trying to follow this for a while, I'm starting to find it automatic too.

• I think things like bills etc, are things we both should really be aware of, so whoever is available deals with these things when they come up. And gardening is a hobby - I'd concrete the lot, so totally doesn't count.

I'll be on maternity leave soon, so will all be up in the air again. But at the moment, it's a fair 50/50 split.

Interesting responses.

LOL at 'maintaining the computer'

Maybe fill in on this a bit....

we build our own and have 2 ( I work on one and we need a back up) my job relies 100% on the pc. Recently we have upgraded the pcs and DH has spent loads of time sorting these out, plus the scanner, printer ...

What does he do when I do the cleaning etc? he's at work. I multi task- doing phone interviews, emailing zillions of people, writing up my work, and will fit in the hoovering and a quick wipe over the kitchen floor at the same time.

I maybe spend 30-45 mins on 'housework' a day but that will include putting on a load of washing, giving the basins in the bathrooms(s) a quick swish out, hoovering the hall ( it gets very dusty from outside as we live in the country), and that's it.
Another day I might dust upstairs and clean the insides of windows ( do this maybe once very 2 weeks or less).

I think what I am trying to say is that he doesn't 'see' the need to clean at all. He does the 'manly' jobs like the bins, but even when he loads the dishwasher he won't ever wipe the work tops, clean the hob or wipe the table down where we eat.

He has no idea of the amount of time and effort it takes to put food on the table, to budget and ring the changes with meals, day after day.
Going out to eat is not an option as I have loads of food allergies so we tend to eat really simple stuff anyway.

Sorry- just having a good old moan.

What do you think about my everyone's suggestions?

we both work ft...he does nearly all of housework, makes lunches, washing,ironing, food shopping, bins, car washing (his pride and joy!) , ...I realise I am very lucky as I am probably a bit lazy, but he is very tidy and cant relax unless everything is spotless..
I organise all the paperwork,bills, insurance,and our social life... we both cook, although I always cook for dinner parties (he will clear up)..
I commute 3 hours per day and he does most of the housework during this extra time as his commute is very short-10 mins each way..we have no kids.. I worry sometimes that he feels taken for granted and have 'upped my standards' over the years to try and help more ! I am always grateful tho

He never will understand the time and effort it takes to plan meals, shop and cook if you never make him do it.

My husband leaves the house at the same time as yours but is never back before 8 or 9, often works until 11, sometimes as late as 2am.
So he's doing much longer hours than your husband but he doesn't see food & chores as someone else's responsibility. Your husband has no excuse.

If you're not happy with your life, just think if you and your husband paid £30 a week each you could have a cleaner do 6 hours of work.

I never iron anything, never change the beds, never clean the fridge out etc, it makes a big difference to your life.

You never go out to eat together and have no DC at home?

As you both work in the week, why can't you meal prep together when he gets home? If you eat simply like you say, dinner could be ready by 7.45 if he gets in by 7.

And do the housework together at the weekend?

Are you sure this is about housework? You sound fed up to me.

He does more than my DH to be honest!

My DP does his fair share, probably more than me to be honest. He works from home a lot and insists on him doing most of the chores because I'm pregnant at the moment, but to be fair to him, he probably did more than me before I was pregnant.

If he's working from home he'll do the washing, clean the kitchen, living room, bathroom, hoover, tidy the bedroom, sort the bins out, do the food shop and cook. I do the ironing and all of the things he does if he's working away.

He looks after all the bills, but I'm in charge of the savings account and put my share of the bills plus extra in that.

I do feel extremely extremely lucky. But I think there's men out there who do a lot less than your DH, OP. I know my DF does very little around the house (except for DIY and decorating) because he works all hours while my DM is at home all day.

I am a professional, married at 30 and have always worked though p/t since DCs. I never intended to skivvy after a man but seem to be.

Then just stop it. If he refuses to cook, he will go hungry. Honestly, it's not that hard to make a difference.

DH does all of it. I'm a bit useless at the moment.

When I wasn't, I did some washing up, half the cooking, some ironing and all paperwork. Roughly. He is SAHD, I am falling apart at the seams!

I definitely do more housework and cooking than dh.

I tend to dust, wipe bannisters/doors/cupboards, thoroughly clean bathroom, sweep daily, mop daily, cook, put load on/pack away

Dh hoovers, takes bin out, put load on/pack away

We both work full time, roughly leaving and returning at the same times.

I do: shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning bathroom.
He does: hoovering, dusting, ironing, putting bins out.
Shared: dishwasher, feeding cats & doing cat litter.

We pretty much stick to that but if we need to then we switch things about. I think it's really important that neither person feels that they do an unfair amount, a relationship is supposed to be working together and compromising, not taking each other for granted.

Why don't you do what we do with our children. We make a list of what needs doing each weekend and we all work through the list and only stop when it is all done. That way it is fair as you both spend the same amount of time. But your standards sound very, very high.

It was a thread similar to this one that made me realise my husband had undiagnosed ADHD. It has since been diagnosed and treatment has been started...thanks Mumsnet!

I was (and still am in fact) doing every single household/garden chore apart from emptying the dishwasher and making the bed, caring for our 3 children under 5 with no assistance from DH during the days/nights, managing our personal finances and investments, and preparing financial statements for 10 entities. DH as mentioned empties the dishwasher and makes the bed, and works FT. For anyone else who does a similar workload to me and is feeling understandably exhausted, it's really NOT normal. Either your DH is an arse or there is something else going on and it may pay to look into it.

OP, I understand that you want the running of the house to be a joint responsibility, rather than it always resting on your shoulders. As long as you are working from home I believe it will continue to be that way as your DH will consider it to be more your domain than his. I am assuming that working from a separate office is not appropriate or affordable. I would therefore suggest you make a list with DH of all the household chores, but also give them a rating on how much you "enjoy" them. Rating them may help you to split the chores more evenly. Address the issue now before the resentment eats you up.