I discovered early on that he had a porn problem, didn't realise how serious. I didn't snoop on him to begin with, I discovered the porn through him being very careless by leaving actual pages open on the laptop all the time.
I spoke with him, explained that it made me feel disrespected. He cried (which I was surprised about) and wrote me a really heartfelt letter saying I was the last person in earth he wanted to hurt, that porn meant nothing to him and was just a silly habit he'd gotten into since his teens and that he'd stop.
I felt such relief. And then I discovered more porn. That hurt like hell because I realised now that he was capable of lying about important things straight to my face. I'd rather he'd been honest and said he wasn't going to stop watching it.
But of course, only he knew the whole truth.
This happened a few times. I asked him if he thought he had a problem and did we need to get help. He said he thought he did but that he'd had enough and didn't need it. I asked him to just be honest with me in the future: if he was having a hard time keeping off it, if he was still using it and if there was anything I could do to help him. He agreed. Which was a lie.
I started paying attention now to his computer history and snooped on his phone. He just got better at hiding it. Then one day I found searches for prostitutes on google in places local to us. I still didn't make the link! Dumb huh? Just thought it was part of the porn problem.
Anyway, after a lot more arguments (well, I did all the arguing, he just sat apologising and agreeing with everything I said), it all seemed to settle down and I thought he had kicked the habit.
3 weeks before the final split I started getting a horrible feeling down to my very bones. Had no idea why. He had a habit of always doing whatever he fancied even if we'd previously agreed on something else and we had a big row (again, he didn't really argue). I said I didn't trust him. That he lies over silly little things so what else does he lie about?
He said he was going to prove to me that he was trustworthy. I asked him about porn, he swore blind that he had stopped and didn't even think about it anymore.
3 weeks later, through his own carelessness again, I discovered he'd been checking out prostitutes in a city he was due to visit.
And that was it for me. Although I stayed long enough to get more info.
I asked him about it, he lied lied lied, saying there's been a horrible mistake, he was a victim of spam etc etc. I didn't buy it and I told him that I wanted a divorce.
He all of a sudden started saying he had a porn addiction and was going to get help. He went to the GP the next day who apparently told him that he had to build a better relationship with me but not tell me if he continued using porn!! Wtf?
Anyway, I told him that it was all very well him getting help but what about me? How was I supposed to move on knowing that something had gone on. The next day he confessed that he and his friends use to use prostitutes 6 years ago. That he hated his past and it had been all part of his porn fantasy and why he still checked out prostitutes (because he was addicted to porn). He said it was a long time ago, he only went a few times and asked for forgiveness.
I said to him, that it was very important that he tell me about anything else because I'd read that they drip feed you with bomb shells and that I wanted te while truth now. He swore faithfully that there was nothing else, that he would never put my health in danger.
He lied.
I pretended that our relationship was salvageable but that I needed the truth because that was the only way I could recover and move on. He finally confessed to cheating on me with a prostitute while we were engaged and applying for out Fiancé visa.
He confessed that he looked up the brothel online to look at the ones he'd slept with and to see who was new. He confessed to cheating on all his past girlfriends with prostitutes. And that he'd done it dozens and dozens of times over the past 6 years.
That's when I told him it was over. I suppose I just needed to hear it from him before I could take such a big decision.
I might have been able to get over it if it really had been 6 years ago but to have cheated on me and to obviously be planning to do it again... well, there's no way back.
I posted on here when I was beginning to suspect he had cheated on me with a prostitute and a very wise woman who had had a similar experience told me that the only people who look up prostitutes are the ones using them. I didn't want to believe it but in the end, it was true. That piece of advice really helped me to stay strong and not get sucked in by anymore lies even when I so desperately wanted to stick my head in the sand.
You probably have only scratched the surface with what your partner's been up to. I'm sorry. But I really wouldn't believe anything else that comes out his mouth.
I'm sorry for the essay too! I didn't mean to jibber on so much. xx