I don't know how to deal with this

[Shouldhavelistened]

The short version: Looks like OH has been contacting if not meeting prostitutes

The long version: a while ago, due to a Mumsnet thread about Adultwork, I noticed that OH had this on his computer. Mumsnet said LTB most vehemently, he said he had just been looking at porn, showed me some sites he frequents, said there was nothing more to it than that. I didn't LTB.

Fast forward a year and a bit and a baby later and today he went out to work leaving his laptop logged into his email. I went to shut everything down but some spidey sense tingled just as I was about to close it and I started to nose.

A few hours of reading and hacking into various email acounts later and I got into his Adult work account which appears to be one of many sites he uses including ordinary dating sites. Turns out he's been emailing 'escorts' trying to arrange one hour 'out calls'? including when he went away for a course when DD was only a few weeks old.

I don't know how to handle this. Our DD is only 7 months old for christsake.

Just want to say thank you to all you lovely people for being supportive and even giving enough of a damn to reply. It has really helped. I feel remarkably calm right now though I fear the next few days are going to be the real test.

Mumsnet will always be here for you! . Hope you are ok and can get some sleep.

Should....thinking of you....hope you manage to sleep, you must be exhausted with all this to take in.
Take care.

Just read all of your thread, Should

Firstly, I'm sorry that this has happened to you.

Secondly, you sound remarkably calm and rational in the face of such awfulness. I admire the way you are dealing with this.

I'm glad you have got a place you can go with your DD. Will you be able to pour your heart out to your mum? I find talking about things is good therapy. It's annoying when you have a partner that does the stoney silence thing.

The next few days, weeks and months will be hard but you will get through it. Given time, you will build a lovely new life for you and your DD and when she's older she will thank you for it.

Be strong, you incredible woman.

Hope you are ok this morning?

How are you today OP? Thinking of you and your DD,x

Thinking of you Should x

Thanks everyone, I'm doing ok, have had to deal with a fair bit if him clinging to me sobbing his heart out begging me to stay and saying he loved me and can't lose me which is horrible to have to watch. I fear today could be an even longer day than yesterday.

I keep reminding myself that what I'm walking away from is a virtually sexless relationship where I lose all my confidence and wonder why he doesn't want me and he seemingly furiously wanks to porn at any given opportunity. When I put it like that to myself it helps me.

can't bear to lose you....also cant bear to say sorry even once

Just read all this.

Surely for you it's walking away from a man who thinks it's okay to pay women for sex?

You don't believe these lies about not meeting anyone do you?

I'm so sorry for your shock, hurt and the situation you're in. But please don't minimise this again and believe lies. Think of this situation as it is - a relationship with a man who pays for sex on a regular basis.

Just read your thread.

So sorry. Listen up your heart and don't minimise.

Be strong

Keep reminding yourself that he is the one who chose to break up his marriage and family by buying women's bodies for his own sexual gratification.

You do not want someone with his hatred of women and twisted views of sex around your DC.

Whilst he is being so contrite, you could insist things will change round here. Get the car in your name. Get the phone in your name. Tell him it was disgusting he made you pay for a car when you have his child and are on ML and you want the money back.

The account must be joint. He must put x amount into a child account for dd. The moment you have this, email to yourself all the statements.

Keep your own account open and make sure benefit is paid into it.

All this can be done today or Monday. Speed is of the essence here, before he starts to think he has won you over. Send him to his parents for a few days.

Everytime you go shopping, get out cash back at the till. Rehome the pets as it will make life easier.

Go to CAB, find out what you can do re housing. Ask about ( depending on where you live) for a flat or little house to rent. Call work and see what's going on. Update your cv anyway and get in linkedin, network on there.
Look for another job, and sort out childcare for your dd.

Then leave the fucker. Mercenary but self preservation is of paramount importance.

Photocopy or take photos with your phone of all the paperwork.

Stay calm, and keep him out if your bed. He will want sex to regain power and control.

The name on the car form is no longer proof of ownership.

I have no idea how it works, how you prove it, how hard it is to prove or if you want to fight for it to get some money out of it.

Make sure you take the documentation for the one you own with you.

Lavendar's suggestions are excellent and yes, dear god, don't let him worm his way into bed!

Ok - he is crying and begging.

Now is the time to go into forgiveness overdrive, demand access to all the info as part of you putting your trust back in him, get your car into your name and if poss - back on the road [get him to finance this] and then sell it, get all the things mentioned in the post about money, papers yada yada yada whilst he is at this stage, then once you are ready, get a new place, a van and whilst he is at work, move out and take all your stuff with you.

The money you gave him for the car has been paying for the prostitues. Keep that in mind if he starts to back out on handing you money. And tell him so - he can't argue with that. Keep momentum in your favour.

But- just to check- you want to leave or try to sort it out? Because whatever it is, keep posting to get support.

SHL

The first thing you need to do is have a full sexual health screen and gather as much evidence as you can before you leave. Can you stay at your Mums? You could look at having your pets fostered until you find somewhere permanent.

Put in an online claim for Income Support. You will get called to arrange an appointment with a Lone Parent Advisor who will advise you what other benefits you are entitled to. You can get IS, Child Tax Credits, Child Benefit, Housing Benefit and will get vouchers etc for milk and fruit while your baby is young.

Then call Rights for Women, they are a charity who offer free legal advice to women. After which, go and see the CAB and a Solicitor for a free consultation.

With regards to your DH being self-employed, if you can, get copies of his bank statements. When you issue divorce proceedings he will have to disclose his financial status with evidence. Also, if his income does not match his lifestyle (i.e. if he is doing lots of cash work and not declaring it); I had a similar situation with my XH whereby he was declaring his PAYE income and not what he was also getting in dividends

Write a list of everything you need to do and work your way through it.

Best of luck!

PS. I had to have STI check recently and it was actually as pleasant as it could be under the circumstances, the staff were really nice and don't judge you so hopefully it won't be as undignifying as you think.

Oh, have you any idea of his income. You can check to see how much maintenance you are entitled to via the Child Maintenance Options website.

I'm at my Mums, not doing so well today.

Have you told your dm? Is she supportive or blames you for not being a good wife?

You don't have to decide anything quickly, even if its how to leave. You call the shots.

Yes she's very supportive, I'm lucky with that. I don't know what I want to do. I'm so confused/conflicted.

Hi,

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for you. I am in the same position as you - made my discoveries just in November after only being married for just under two years.
I'm on mat leave too - 8 month old. I left and am now at my dad's. I know exactly what you're going through.

The disbelief to begin with is mind numbing. I still torture myself with actually imagining the gory details of when he was with them. I'm not sure why my mind does that. Do you do that too?

I don't regret leaving but I have bouts of missing my old life, even though it was all a lie. Ignorance was bliss :(

Your ex sounds like mine. Crying, begging, promising he'd change, giving shitty excuses for his behaviour to minimise it. I still can't even look at him when it comes to contact.

My situation is slightly different in that he was dependent on me for a visa. Now he's desperately trying to stay in the country by applying for a different visa and everything's kinda in limbo while we wait for a decision from the Border Agency.

Anyway, this is about you, not me, and all I can say is it's shit. There's no two ways about it. But you have to take each day at a time. Be grateful for the good days when you're feeling strong, and hold on to that on the days you're not. Focus on your little one and the day will end, and you'll be another little step closer to a better life eventually.

I felt like a loser. Mid 30's, back at my dad 's, giving up work and applying for benefits for the next couple of years. So I know how you feel about that too but you have to keep remembering you didn't ask for any of this. You didn't deserve it and that anyone's life at any moment can go to shit, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Most importantly, forgive yourself for what feels like such bad decisions to trust him in the first place. It's not your fault your child will not have their dad at home. All you can do now is to continue putting everything into being a good mum, which you are.

I wish you all the luck in the world and that you find happiness soon with a new, settled life. BIG HUGS xxx

Lucy - so sorry you're in the same position, how did you find out?
I really don't know whether to believe him in the fact that he never actually met up with any if them - the emails do seem to support this in that they never go as far as actually agreeing to meet but I don't know if he phoned them or something? He swears blind he has never cheated on me and he just gets a kick out of messaging and with the dating sites too.