My son has a girlfriend :-(. (Long and pointless)

[JackieOHH]

And I don't know how to handle it! He's not told me, I found messages on his fb ( he's 11 by the way,). I've told him that while I pay his phone bill I will periodically, check his phone. Please don't tell me I'm invading his privacy because he's 11, first yr at high school.
Anyway, on Sunday he was vile to us, arrogant, rude, objectionable- and argumentative. My first thought was someone's having a go at him, as we've been through this before ( friend was sending vile bb messages, had to get school involved).
So, this girl it seems to me, is being quite pushy. Telling him she loves him, why won't he kiss her.
OMG he's 11!!!
He's saying, let's see what the future holds, love you too etc but I'm scared to death this girl has stolen my baby!

I'm not sure I'd feel a bit better if he told me about her, but he hasn't. He and I ( usually) get on well, but my heart hurts.
I know I need someone to pass me a grip.
Does it get easier? Bloody hope so.
On the flip side, my dd (17) hasn't had a sniff of a boyfriend yet!!

Dear god woman, definitely get a grip.

Yep I know. Guess it scares me to see this girl chasing my baby!!

He's not a baby, he's an adolescent. This is normal, and he's hardly a hop, skip and jump away from leaving home. When he's still there in another 15 years you'll be begging him to move in with a proper girlfriend.

Is this about how you feel now your youngest is clearly growing up?

Ok, first of all, why has he got Facebook at 11, aren't they supposed to be 14? Perhaps consider just taking it away and no one will bother him at home.

I'm sure he will tire of the girl quickly, just keep an eye on the situation, they're just playing at being teenagers. Is he physically mature? Does he know about sex, contraception etc? Perhaps buy him a book? Many 11 year old girls are capable of getting pregnant.

if a boy was sending those messages to a girl i would call it pushy. is she a girlfriend? he sounds out of his depth

oh i so will not cope with this stage!

My DS1 seemed to be in a hurry to get a gf when he moved to senior school - I think he thought it was a cool thing to do and there was probably peer pressure in there as well. He did 'go out' with a girl at around that time - they went to the cinema once, I took him and her mum took her and we both picked them up outside afterwards! I think the novelty wore off very quickly and since then my DS2 and DD have laughed about the kids who have gfs and bfs so early - they don't know what to do with them other than text each other and tell people they've got a gf/bf!

I know its alarming but its probably just part of moving up to high school, if she's a bit 'full-on' it'll more than likely scare him off altogether! (If he doesn't want to kiss her, that's a sign he's holding back, isn't it).

ALittleStranger absolutely it's about how I feel! he's MY baby.
Thanks Beer I don't think he is comfortable at all and I'm scared he's going to get in too deep and STILL won't tell me so I can't help him. Her friend messages him last night saying ' why won't you kiss x?" He just told her to shut up!!

He sounds quite sensible if he's telling her to back off and not kissing her.

Perhaps it'd be good to have a chat about the pressure she is putting on him and how he doesn't have to bow down to it if he isn't comfortable. My brother attracted a lot of attention from girls and all he wanted to do was play football with his mates.

I remember all these ridiculous giggling girls calling up to speak to him on the phone and him hiding in the garden!

Just be glad you're not her mother. If he is stroppy can you imagine what she's like?

Alternative he has fb because I wanted him to see the novelty of it really isn't 'all that', and he very rarely goes on there. This is fb messaging, different app, and as I said, I've monitored it so I'm not concerned with that side of things.
Whattodo thanks for that! it's made me feel better!! I do think a lot of it is high school= boyfriend/girlfriend time. Even tho they've NO clue what they're doing!! And I'm pretty sure the harder she pushes the more he will back off...good!!

Hans grip, DD2(12) has had several short live 'BFs', 3 I think. The first on a scout camp I only learnt about much later.

Doesn't stop her being her usual prickly independent teen one day, cuddly huggy softy the next self.

DD1(almost16) hasn't had a BF and won't have until it's serious, because she sees boys as normal human beings to chat to and be friends with, not something to giggle and gossip about.

Thanks Wally I can imagine him being exactly like that! I'm going to be beating them off with a stick, aren't i?
Great mother in law I'm gonna be

Think of it as a learning curve for him - how some girls might behave in these situations and how to deal with it tactfully. No doubt his mates will be watching with interest from the sidelines too!

Wouldnt let an 11 year old have Facebook, Facebook messaging or a phone personally.

I am another one who thinks he is too young for any kind of FB be it the real thing or a Chat app. There are reasons why they set it 14 and I think your ds's gf's behaviour exhibits why!!!!!

My 13yo has found herself a 15yo boyfriend

who seems very nice

I'm petrified and thankful for the fact they aren't at the same school!

Maybe than going straight for the pearl-clutching and smelling salts... why don't you just talk to him about how his life's going in general? FWIW I find long car journeys lend themselves to interesting conversations. He's already experienced bullying which is pretty nasty for a kid and can do bad things to self-confidence. Now he has some bossy type pressuring him for kisses, that might be a) supremely irritating and embarrassing or b) a nice change. If he's being arrogant, vile etc then that suggests the former.

Thanks Cog I do talk to him! when he comes in from school we sit & chat about the day. I'm just not sure how to bring it round to the subject of relationships as he can very quickly close up.
I do think his behaviour at the weekend was because of confusion and irritation on his part.
Just found a very good book about sex and relationships that I bought for dd when she was this age, it's an usborne book and very well written for his age, so I will have a chat and give him the book to read at his leisure.
He's off school tomorrow, ( teacher training), so I'm going to treat him to lunch and we can chat hopefully.

As Cog says, it's time for a little chat about mutual respect and boundaries. At 11 he wouldn't have had much PCSE or what ever it's called at school. And hopefully he can see what relationships ought to be like from the role models surrounding him.

If you try to coax it out of him gently, and give him books on relationships, etc., and he still doesn't open up to you, I don't see why you can't say that you found the messages. In your OP you said the agreement was that you'd check his phone periodically because he is so young. Quite right too.

Many adults know the dos and don'ts of healthy relationships and are still unable to extricate themselves from relationships that make them uncomfortable. Expecting an 11-year-old to do the same based purely on a book (which probably doesn't go into enough detail for an actual RL situation) is a tall order. He needs guidance I think and as his parent you're best placed to give it.

Better some embarrassment on both sides than hurt children and a young man who doesn't learn how to protect himself in relationships and lacks the skills to remove himself from unhealthy ones. Like all things in life, the more you do something, the easier it gets. That's only a good thing if what you're doing is healthy.

Good luck.

I think I would approach it by having a gentle conversation with him, not mention gf etc, but just, You do know that you can say no if someone asks you to do something you are uncomfortable with? In some friendships it can get a bit unbalanced, it is ok to feel that you need to cool a friendship for a while? And you know I am here if you need me.

Make sure he knows there is an escape, and that you are there for him.

You could even say - you don't seem very happy at the mo, last time this happened there was a problem at school. Is everything ok? Is there a problem with a friend at school? Can I do anything?

"I'm just not sure how to bring it round to the subject of relationships as he can very quickly close up. "

Giving him a book isn't the way to do it, trust me. Best chats I've ever had with DS (13yo) are when the conversation is allegedly about someone else. We can be quite comfortable talking about 'that mate of yours with the bossy girlfriend following him everywhere'.... in a once-removed kind of way... both knowing who we're really talking about.

Other way to approach it is to boost his confidence & self-esteem in other ways. Praise, attention, remarking on goals achieved and personal qualities etc. He sounds as though he's dealing with Violet-Elizabeth by telling her to get lost, but the greater his self-esteem, the more resilient he'll be

Thanks Dahlen you speak a lot of sense x

Get off relationships and into the pre teens forum! Much gentler advice from the " been their done it got the t shirt" crew.

My 2p worth. He's too young for private messaging of any sort really.He can have it but it's " public" and shared with you as part of the deal any any attempt to delete/hide and you will consider turning it off...

However firstly he has already got it and if he didn't hed make an account behind your back. Those who don't think this don't have teens/pre teens!

You are doing a god job if he's telling her to back off, but he probably does need to have it in the open and talk properly through having his hand held with what he's trying to do.