My son has a girlfriend :-(. (Long and pointless)

[JackieOHH]

And I don't know how to handle it! He's not told me, I found messages on his fb ( he's 11 by the way,). I've told him that while I pay his phone bill I will periodically, check his phone. Please don't tell me I'm invading his privacy because he's 11, first yr at high school.
Anyway, on Sunday he was vile to us, arrogant, rude, objectionable- and argumentative. My first thought was someone's having a go at him, as we've been through this before ( friend was sending vile bb messages, had to get school involved).
So, this girl it seems to me, is being quite pushy. Telling him she loves him, why won't he kiss her.
OMG he's 11!!!
He's saying, let's see what the future holds, love you too etc but I'm scared to death this girl has stolen my baby!

I'm not sure I'd feel a bit better if he told me about her, but he hasn't. He and I ( usually) get on well, but my heart hurts.
I know I need someone to pass me a grip.
Does it get easier? Bloody hope so.
On the flip side, my dd (17) hasn't had a sniff of a boyfriend yet!!

Been their (sic) done it got the t shirt crew?

DD is 12 & in an ongoing prolonged courtship by an 11yo boy. Several of DD's mates have been steady with some boy for a yr now and are eagerly planning V-day. Even DD scratches her head & says "But you don't really plan to stay together FOREVER, do you?"

I just can't imagine DD ever going gooey over a boy. Bloody well hope not.

ps: 14yo DS getting nowhere with the girls, despite repeated efforts.

V-day? (Dare I ask?)

Valentines day.

My 11 year old ds is starting secondary in September.

He's still a sweet little boy at the mo (although I am very open with him and we talk about sex, boundaries, what is and what isn't appropriate etc). He thinks Facebook etc are pathetic as he sees is causing trouble with his friends already, in year 6 ffs.

I hope he doesn't suddenly change overnight.

They are just experimenting. It will be fine
Can you not remember when you were that age Jackie?
I have one the age btw, I saw one message off a girl which was a lot more graphic.... but my son's response was hilarious
It reminded me of how I never understood boys :o

I have always told both my children they can come to me and talk about anything at any time, so I'm a little upset that he hasn't come to me with this . I do plan to have a chat tomorrow.
I'm grateful to all of you for the advice & stories of situations! It does help.
He's still so little & young, and some evil tigress has snared him...bit dramatic but it's how I feel!! Thankfully he has lots of oos activities that ( I HOPE) he wouldn't drop for some girl

I had a "boyfriend" at 11. We kissed once on the playground and then it was the summer holidays and we didn't talk to each other because we didn't have each other's landlines (no internet/texting back then)! I actually met up with him again a few years later and we did date for a while later on, but honestly, at 11, it's just innocent experimentation!

whattodoforthebest2 said what I was going to say, it is as if entering secondary school triggers a rush of "Right what's next?" and while some pupils remain oblivious, a lot of them start the "Who do you fancy?"game.

Going out with didn't always extend to seeing each other out of school, in the early years it was restricted to the social area or sitting next to each other on the bus or at lunchbreak.

Try and look on it as a natural stage, he might have got too big for his boots whether or not this girl was in the picture, bluster and swagger. Remember the old trick, "If you keep slamming your bedroom door it'll be taken off its hinges!"

You're coming across as a bit of a nutter, OP.

'Evil Tigress'?!!!?

She's a young girl experimenting with developing feelings. She's no more evil for talking to your son, than your son is for engaging in contact with her!!! They're both just learning.

I don't have time now, but I'm going to come back later and tell you a story that will hopefully make you come to your senses.

secret thanks!! I'm probably a complete nutter, but I look forward to your story.
And Donkeys I agree! there is a natural stage of development when going to high school. And I think part of his attitude is down to being the 'big, I am' as much as anything!
Most of Sunday he was in his bedroom with the door closed & I hate that ' physical barrier' he puts between us and him.
I suppose I'm struggling to cope with him growing up!!
I agree with all of you who've said that they probably won't even see each other out of school!

Oh blargh, 12yo DD has been told by a 11yo boy that he wants to ask her something for days. He keeps bottling out in spite of her repeat reminders "what was it you wanted to talk about?" & she doesn't know what she'll say if he's asking what I think it is. FGS I said, do not insist he has to talk to you as intended unless you're going to say yes. She's torturing the lad for no reason.

I think it's a bit harsh to call the OP a nutter :S All though I would be giving my DS a basic phone at 11 just to call out and receive calls, no BB/FB internet etc. Tbh, just keep an eye out and always be avaliable to talk to your son. I really think this will run it's course, my first boyfriend I went out with from year 7 to year 9 (and everyone thought we were so serious it being a year and a bit) we proclaimed love etc but alas, year ten proved too much stress for us and we split.

Boys tend to talk more if you are doing something together, eg a household chore that you normally do together, or an activity you normally do together. If you have them in the car on their own, it can work very well, as you can exchange opinions on other road users etc and they can tell you about what is going on and drift into more worrying things.

(It worked well with DD (who is not a boy ) when she was struggling with the bullying behaviour of someone who was usually seen as a 'victim', and so was in a very difficult position)

I'd be a bit horrified if my 11 year old was talking about kissing girls and so on. And be concerned about those phone calls. He is only 11. Just quite a child. Am I too old fashioned. I suppose I am.

Yes summertime, my ds1 will talk more if you sit alongside him, not looking at him!

Tell him he can always say no to anything he doesn't want to do. This girl and her mates are bordering on harassing him.

It sounds like your DS is actually handling it incredibly well! From your OP it doesn't really seem as if he needs any help at all, it's you who needs the help!

Now, I can totally empathise with you, although my DS is 15. He has had a girlfriend for a couple of months and it has changed him without a doubt, and I feel a sense of real grief and loss that I have lost my adorable little baby for ever.

When I pull myself together again, and think that I am pleased that he has chosen a nice girl, whose parents I know a bit and like; and when I accept that we have to learn how to navigate our way through the bewildering waters of what the opposite sex is thinking on our own, and mainly by trial and error, I feel a bit calmer.

Your DS is growing up, but he will need the motherly bosom for a good few years yet (not in the Little Britain sense I hasten to add). I wouldn't force it if I were you, I'm sure he will talk to you about this when he is ready, just make sure he feels you are always there to listen.

Okay, I have a bit of time now!

First off, sorry for calling you a nutter

Secondly, 11 is very young, so yes I agree that a little age appropriate chat may be in order. They're not really "in a relationship" at that age though, are they? Or if there's any indication that they are experimenting physically at that age, then clearly you need to step in.

BUT!!!! But, but, but!!!! The way you think of your little boy as 'yours' and that any female who comes along is 'tempting him away from you', is a recipe for disaster.

Here goes my story.....

My sister little boy had a girlfriend. Now, granted he was 16, but she was his first boyfriend, and my sister reacted exactly the same as you. She hated the idea of her little boy being close to someone else. She hated that he wasn't 'hers' anymore.

As a result, she was cold and unfriendly to this perfectly lovely 16 year old school girl. The poor kid was left wondering what on earth she had done wrong.

The 2 kids stayed together, and their relationship with my sister just became gradually more & more strained.

They're 38 now. My sister sobbed through their wedding 10 years ago, and she has 2 grand-children that don't even know her .

I watched for years as this poor girl pussy-footed around my sister trying to win her round. There was never anything not to like about her. She was a polite and well-educated kid. My silly sister just could not see through the fog of "my little boy!! My little boy!!"

Hope this helps a bit. I know this all seems a long way off to you, but you know, the years tick by and it all happens gradually, and before you know it, this is the result.

x

Thanks secret how awful :-(
Sadly my mil is a bit like that, she was always pleasant to me, but I was never good enough and now dh has nothing to do with her (various reasons).
Anyway, I can't find a way of starting a conversation.without him knowing that I know....which isn't such a bad thing as he knows I'll look at his phone, but I don't really want him to start hiding all this from me.
Oh and all those of you who think I'm all shades of crazy, I probably am!! We have always been close, and now he's about a million miles away from me.
Anyway, I'm grateful to each and every one of you. Anyone with any tips on how to have this conversation?

Like Cogito, I'd find an excuse (maybe a film or something you heard from a friend) to talk to about young relations in general. 11 is not too young for a little gentle courtship, but the essential thing (and I'd say that goes for all ages) is never to let yourself be pressurised into anything.

What I do find a little unsettling is all these MNers who think that the moment our pre-teens start developing romantic feelings something horrible happens and they are no longer our sweet little boys. Oh yes, they are! They need to know that they are, they need to know that we won't feel scared and alienated by the changes that happen over the next few years, any more than we felt scared and alienated because they learnt to walk or ride bicycle.

I have a 13yo boy. All right, he may be taller than me, he is certainly hairier than he used to be, and that smudge on his upper lip might well be the makings of a moustache rather than the remnants of his breakfast. But he is still my sweet boy and it is a joy to see him grow and develop!

Totally normal. Don't tell him you've looked. Just be there when his heart gets broken and it will, many many times

How old is the girl?

Again, thanks for all the support & wise words. Commander I think she's same age! her profile pic is very young looking! but I could be way off! although all his friends are same age so I'm assuming?!
Hoping to have a chat today, he refuses to sit and talk with me, so possibly while I'm driving I'll casually mention something.

My eldest has just turned 12 and is ridiculously popular with girls, I think - in part - due to his firmly held conviction that he is 'way too young for a girlfriend'. In Y6 he used to tell me about people who said they had girlfriends and say things like: "but they don't even go out anywhere together - it's pathetic." To him, the term 'girlfriend' implies an adult relationship. He is a big fan of Miranda - I think his may be his blueprint.

Can you talk to your son and ask him what the word means to him? Is it a friend you hold hands with at lunch? A girl who is your friend but gets on your nerves? Someone who (like in my day) you have very little to do with but everyone needs to be 'going out with someone' because it's just what you do?

If you're worried about the content of the messages and feel its age inappropriate, do tell the school. This girl is a child and there's a reason why she's doing this even if it's nothing other than copying her big sister or something.

Lastly, I'm worried about the notion of him being 'stolen' by another child because she happens to be a girl. I worry that may impact negatively on his perception of girls and his respect of the . If he goes on to see relationships as a threat to his relationship with you then it will not end well. Also, I would not let my son have Facebook at 12 or a contract phone. He should have no use for either. Would you have given the same to your daughter at 11 or do you have quite set ideas about gender and what is right or wrong for boys and girls respectively?

It does come across as if you expect him to be a 'lad' because he's been led astray by a 'temptress' while your daughter - being the one who needs to think about her 'reputation' - has (as far as you're aware) been very, very 'good' and 'loyal' indeed.