So jealous - how do we stop this wrecking our relationship and friendship?

[CambridgeBlue]

I've recently found out that a good friend has been given a very large sum of money that will enable her to do many of the things that we would love to do but can't afford - house extension, nice holiday, new car etc.

DH and I have ticked all the boxes - worked hard at school, got a degree, fairly good jobs - but we don't seem to have much to show for it. We own our own home but haven't a hope of ever extending even though it's getting too small for us all and we can only afford to do essential jobs by sacrificing something else. There's no way we could do anything 'nice' like a new kitchen. We run one not very new car and just about manage a week away in the UK each year.

I know this is all first world stuff and we're so much better off than many people but jealousy of what other people have/do seems to be eating us up - we had a huge row about it this weekend, one of the worst we've ever had.

DH just doesn't see the point in us working as hard as we do or teaching our DD to work hard because he doesn't feel we've got much to show for it. I am more positive natured than he is but I do feel rather the same way and this latest news about my friend is just the icing on the cake - I haven't dared tell DH yet because he is going to be so bitter.

I don't want to go on like this - it's threatening our marriage. I also don't want my friend to know how we feel but I am going to find it so hard to see all the plans being carried out right under our noses.

How the hell do we get over this envy and make the best of what we've got? I feel that's all we can do because there's no chance of any large handouts for us, I think 'comfortable' or 'managing' is the best we can ever hope for.

I think the recession has hit a lot of people quite hard even if you have a lowish mortgage as bills have gone up. I certainly remember feeling richer 10 years ago, so you are not alone in thinking life is a bit of a struggle.

However all the old sayings are true- if you have your health, you have everything, count your blessings and so on.

It's natural to have a pang of envy when you hear about someone else's great fortune or new job or lovely holidays, but learning to appreciate what you've got is pretty important- I have struggled sometimes over the years but I think now, having visited some much poorer countries, I genuinely do feel lucky to have a house, an ok job and all amenities on tap. I'm not going to impress anyone with my house decor or lie on a beach in Barbados, but so what?

I would try to find out what is underlying your feelings of dissatisfaction- is it the financial uncertainty? the glamour of the life you think your friend will be living? I think if you put a small amount of fun back into your life, you would start to appreciate it again, and I would sort out any money worries as they really are destructive to happiness.

Such is life!

There will always be others in a better financial position. You need to grow up and appreciate all that you do have!

cuntybunty I was sort of left speechless by your post. As a net contributor, I have to confess that it irked/troubled me somewhat.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life:

‘A fight is going on inside me,’ he said to the boy. ‘It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil—he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.’

He continued, ‘The other is good—he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you—and inside every other person, too.’

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, ‘Which wolf will win?’

The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’”

I think a lot of people are feeding the wolves!

I feel like I am a failure when I look around at my peers and my friends. They married men who are directors and earning loads and staying at home raising kids, found that business idea and are now successful entrepreneurs, or on the career ladder, juggling house and family. I think what the hell, how did I end up where I am? Stuck with neighbours from hell who I may shoot the next time they put on another loud dance track in a tiny flat with no job and wondering how the hell we will provide for the baby which is on the way, and DH working so hard to study and make ends meet for both of us but will be a while before he can earn more, but we never see each other and he makes himself sick from overworking at 2 jobs.

It makes me cross sometimes to hear that they had to change the brand of sausages this week whilst DH and I only eat meat when we can eat at his parents house, or that I should just go and stay with my parents or see a friend, flights are so cheap, that's what they do. That 200 euro per flight is what keeps a roof over our heads and the mortgage paid on this little space of ours.

People don't say it to be mean do they, I guess situations are all relative. I know where you are coming from though. I look at friends and think, my god you have no clue what hardship is - why do you have it so easy and I have it so tough? But then also I have to remember that each person has their own demons to battle that we just don't know about. DH's best friend for example earns loads, has nice flat etc but is locked in a custody battle for his son with his stalking witch of an ex who is using the son as a pawn and it's making him so sick. You just don't know what they may be facing if that makes sense? Money makes life easier but it isn't a cure all - some stuff money cannot buy.

Sounds naff and trite but it's being grateful for what we do have. For me and my DH, laughter, love, and my medical issues being taken care of properly at long last so I am healthier. I have a baby on the way, I never thought that would happen. Worth you and DH just thinking about all the good things you have rather than dwelling on all the bad. So long as you know what the problems are you can identify the solutions and it's very empowering to have a plan of action to get somewhere.

Good luck :)

Oh and I know about the small jobs. We have no double glazing and DH conveniently broke a window throwing pebbles at it for me to let him in (kids stole the battery out of our doorbell ). I've been waiting a year for the 85 euro it will cost to replace a pane of glass - there's cling film over it right now! But you just kind of learn to live with it don't you, although it gets me down a lot sometimes when I think, geez I can't even find the money to fix a fucking window....

So just commiserating really no wise words of wisdom.

Very wise actually living. Hope things get easier for you soon and good luck with the baby :)

quitelikely DH loves wolves weirdo so I'll definitely tell him this!

Sorry to be blunt, but your focus is all wrong.

You need to refocus your attentions on what you have.

What a waste of three lives to be constantly noses stuck up against the glass of life's proverbial sweetshop, longing to get in.

You have wealth immeasurable in your hearts and in the potential of your relationships, the tragedy is that you just don't value it enough.

I'm not trying to sound preachy, because we've all been there, but when i was in a similar mood, a few people recommended I read Ekhart Tolle's 'The Power of Now' - you'd do well to read it too. Really makes you reassess your outlook on life.

OMG. You need to focus on the fact that you have your health first of all. If you don't have that, you have nothing.

Money is not that important if you have what you need. Sorry to be blunt but I think you would have to be pretty shallow to feel your friendship is going to be ruined just because your friend now has more money than you. You are friends with people for better reasons than that they make you feel ok about your own life surely? My dds go to a school where a lot of the children come from families with far more money than we have but it doesn't stop them from making friends.

I agree we've lost sight of what's important a bit but I don't think we're alone in that. Society is very materialistic these days and it's really easy to get swept along with that. We do realise how lucky we are when we're not moaning.

Switch it round - what makes you and DH happy? Do more of that
Then think about practicalities ...
Do you love the creative side so much but its not making money? Whats the balance between not doing it and you missing what it gives you versus not doing it and having more time as a family? Or of money is really tight using that time to bring in more money?
It also sounds like what is getting you down in your DH's attitude - how miserable / defeated is he feeling in his new role? Can it be changed? And if it can be changed how much effort is he putting into changing it?

A dear colleague of mine was really frustrated by his job, but he acknowledged that the less travel gave him a better family life and a much happier wife - and that balance meant a lot to him. He started seeing promotion in terms of what he'd lose instead of what he'd gain. It was a real eye opener for him

And a point not really covered - think about your DD - think about how your and DH's attitude passes on through generation.

Actually although I haven't mentioned her much, it's my DD's part in all of this that is probably most important to me.

I want to give her all I can in terms of experiences, opportunities and without spoiling her, material things. I hate that I can't always do that (like most parents) although I know that I grew up with very little but never felt deprived.

Of course I want to set a good example to her but when I tell her 'if you work hard you will stand the best chance of getting what you want out of life) it doesn't really ring true because I don't always feel that's how it's been for us.

OP you are so right about how materialistic it is. My dh is dutch and when we lived there he was shocked at the amount of need to possess stuff was. It's a much simpler life here and the fripperies of life cost 3 times as much! More of a frugal society. It has taught me a lot.

It's all just crap at the end of the day tbh. When I look back at what I bought because I thought it was oh so essential I can't believe how much I wasted. There's a lot to be said about paring down your life and going back to basics. There's way too much pressure in society for people to part with their hard earned cash and that will be a valuable lesson you'll teach DD. Wish my family had done so but looking at it now they are obsessed with money and status and what it can supposedly bring you to be happy.

There's a thread in philosophy and religion called 'daily gratitudes' which may be a focus for anyone wishing to appreciate the good things in life.
You don't have to be a follower of a religion to join you may even wish to lurk the point being I believe it provides a good reminder to us of the blessings we have which we may sometimes take for granted and fail to appreciate.
''Society'' can try to persuade us all it likes to be very materialistic, we are empowered with a free will to choose not to be.

Sorry I mean there as in the UK and here is Netherlands!

I'd love to live in a less materialistic society or at least have the balls to turn my back on that sort of thing. Sadly I'm a bit of a sheep and what people think matters to me more than it should.

shreds has it exactly right though. Competition is inevitable I guess as we are genetically designed to be competitive, but then you just change your focus. If you are never going to be able to compare then why would you want to? Tbh life achievements like running a marathon, having your own business, volunteering for your local charity etc are far more likely to have an impact. You never know people could be looking at your family thinking gosh they don't have the money but wow they are a cool family doing all that ambitious stuff I wish I was like that.

But then again why would you want to be friends with people who are only interested in judging you by your net worth? Just don't talk to them any more (extreme but works. I just stopped communication with some girls I used to work with who were essentially playing at work but over privileged, no concept of reality and bitchy to boot! I had nothing in common with them. ). Why spend time with people who only make you feel inadequate? I presume it's not deliberate on their part but it's destructive to you. What else do you get out of the friendships?

You are so much more than how many holidays a year you can take or what latest fashion piece you have on, it just seems such a waste of energy that could be put to so much better use

A net contributor, contrarian? As in a tax payer? Aren't we all? I don't know what is so shocking about ambition being for a goal, like working in the public sector, rather than lots and lots of money. Or are you shocked that I hate the Tories? Or is your shock because I prefer a slower, more fun way of life than frenetic money grubbing? I am curious. I can see we both have, and prefer, very different lives. Yours doesn't shock me, so I can't see what would shock you about mine? I'm quite boring really, a product of growing up under the Tories in Liverpool in the 1980s, but not at all shocking.

I live with a dementor. The glass is always half empty. As a natrual optimist, it used to really upset me. The best thing I ever did was to STOP trying to jolly him out of it.

If he wants to wallow in gloom, go for it. I just ignoreduntil he was ready to have a non doom related conversation. Or wholeheartedly agreed and then gently egg him on if I was bored.

I found it liberating. I hadn't realised just how stressful it is always being someone's positive side. Actually once I broke the cycle of him dooming and me counteracting, he got significantly better at self regulating. If he starts up now I just give him the face and wander off.

CambridgeBlue Wed 29-Jan-14 14:38:12
"Actually although I haven't mentioned her much, it's my DD's part in all of this that is probably most important to me.

I want to give her all I can in terms of experiences, opportunities and without spoiling her, material things. "

There's other things you can give her too. Resilience, the ability to enjoy the little things in life, even a sense of economy are very useful things to take with you in life. Oh and the example of a parent who decides to make a change in her life and the way she sees things.

"Of course I want to set a good example to her but when I tell her 'if you work hard you will stand the best chance of getting what you want out of life) it doesn't really ring true because I don't always feel that's how it's been for us."

So tell her that if she does a good job she will feel better about herself. Tell her that if she tries her hardest she will learn more and develop more as a person. Tell her that if she works hard and thinks about what she does she will be able to do other people good.

It would help I think to try to work on why it matters to you what people think - especially in material terms.
Did you have a parent that you were never good enough for, etc etc...
Breaking free from that would really help.
If you value yourself, then you will assume that other people will value you - so you'll stop thinking that you need some outward trapping to "prove" your success.

I earn more than my boyfriend. When I go to his house, I covet his things. For two reasons: he has lots of foraged / antique fair /ebay type artefacts and I am "jealous" of his eye for something quirky, and the other reason is that he's got a great eye for a bargain!

You don't have to fall into the materialism trap. But if you're there, really think hard about how you got there, right back to attitudes you were shown in childhood.

I'll put this in perspective for you.

I have £1.03 in my bank account until Friday and I need to buy milk.

Feel better?

You're too focused on what you don't have, OP. Frankly, you both need a boot up the arse, 'cause guess what? The trick to a contended life is acceptance. And I say that as a 26 year old single mum who realised that little tidbit early on through shitty circumstances. But guess what? I wake up happy (most) mornings even when I know I only have £1.03 in the bank.

The real question is: When will it ever be enough? Will a bigger house make you happier, or will you fill it up with junk and then need something even bigger? Would more money help and if so, how much? And how much more after you've realised that sum is no longer enough? A few more holidays every year would be great, but would you actually appreciate them? A financial handout never hurts. Nor would a second when the first is all gone. New kitchens are fabulous. Until you see your friends and decide you wish you'd got a different one. Shiny new car to look at - it'll be worth considerably less in no time, you'll be paying it off for years and some rich bitch is always, always going to drive by in a brand new Range Rover with private fucking plates and make you despise yourself for not having one.

The answer to the above? It will never be enough. We're pre-programmed to always want more. But if you find acceptance in what you have and what you don't, waking up with a smile on your face is so much easier. Trust me.

You want your daughter to have a rich, full life? Give her a childhood she will always look back on fondly. Give her happy parents who spent time with her and loved her. What does she need more? A parent who will sit down and help her with homework/encourage her/make some sacrifices for her...or a horse?

You're looking at everything the wrong way, OP. You have given your daughter the best possible start in life - you have taught her to always work hard. Now you need to show her that all that hard work makes you appreciate what you have.

I used to look at some of my friends on FB and feel so consumed with bitterness. I was young, scared and stuck, choosing between heating or eating at my absolute lowest, and here were all these people I'd known at one point or another seeing the world and experiencing amazing things and buying, buying, buying. Then all of a sudden I flicked through my pictures one day - at all of my memories. And I realised somebody was probably looking at my life thinking: "God she's got it good. Look how happy her and that child are." And you know what, we are happy! There's feckin' £1.03 in the bank, we went to Butlins on holiday last year and I treat myself to new clothes out of George (Asda) when I can afford to. Friends of mine are posting up pictures of their new Micheal Kors watches/handbags at Christmas time. I'm posting up a picture of the happiest little six year old in the world because her Granddad is reading her 'The Night before Christmas" on Christmas Eve. I wouldn't trade that damn picture/memory in if Michael Kors himself hand delivered one of every watch/handbag/whatever other shit he makes to my door tomorrow morning.

The only way to shake negativity is to pick it up yourself and tell it to go take a running jump. As Rab C Nesbitt so eloquently put it: "Don't let the bastards get t'ya!"

I wish I could get some milk to you, vino.

OP, listen to vino