So jealous - how do we stop this wrecking our relationship and friendship?

[CambridgeBlue]

I've recently found out that a good friend has been given a very large sum of money that will enable her to do many of the things that we would love to do but can't afford - house extension, nice holiday, new car etc.

DH and I have ticked all the boxes - worked hard at school, got a degree, fairly good jobs - but we don't seem to have much to show for it. We own our own home but haven't a hope of ever extending even though it's getting too small for us all and we can only afford to do essential jobs by sacrificing something else. There's no way we could do anything 'nice' like a new kitchen. We run one not very new car and just about manage a week away in the UK each year.

I know this is all first world stuff and we're so much better off than many people but jealousy of what other people have/do seems to be eating us up - we had a huge row about it this weekend, one of the worst we've ever had.

DH just doesn't see the point in us working as hard as we do or teaching our DD to work hard because he doesn't feel we've got much to show for it. I am more positive natured than he is but I do feel rather the same way and this latest news about my friend is just the icing on the cake - I haven't dared tell DH yet because he is going to be so bitter.

I don't want to go on like this - it's threatening our marriage. I also don't want my friend to know how we feel but I am going to find it so hard to see all the plans being carried out right under our noses.

How the hell do we get over this envy and make the best of what we've got? I feel that's all we can do because there's no chance of any large handouts for us, I think 'comfortable' or 'managing' is the best we can ever hope for.

So have lots of people though - including lots who are worse off than him.

Don't tell him if he's going to be an arse about it, but it sounds as if something needs to change or the pair of you could end up just wallowing in your own misery. With or without money (& rich people also wallow) that's not a good thing.

I understand the envy about someone getting exactly what you want that is just out of reach but it really shouldn't be eating you up like this. By which I mean it needs not to.

And I do think the way to manage it is to count your blessings.

I used to get hugely envious of people with 'normal' families. Seeing families our eating together in a pub or at a bloody beefeater used to feel like a kick to the guts (couldn't do that because ds1 is severely autistic) - and my mirror family of 3 boys used to make me cry. But it was my issues, I slowly began to be able to see what we do have & I don't get envious of mirror families doing their everyday things anymore. I started to focus on what we could do, not what we couldn't. And because we couldn't do most activities we sought out ones we could do - and through that found a whole new activity that has brought a great deal of pleasure & introduced us to a whole new set of friends. The only way to deal with bitterness is to look outside, away from what you don't have, and at what you do. Yes it can be a normal reaction, and I'm sure we all get degrees of it at times, but it's not a way to live long term - it will destroy any happiness you would otherwise have.

You definitely need to work through the other personal stuff, sounds like that's what has you in this frame if mind. Are you even displacing your misery about something into this easy target of not having all the stuff your friends have?

FWIW I bought a house last year when I divorced my husband. My old garden was 100m long. This house would fit 3x into my old one. I had a shiny en suite bathroom, this one has grotty Lino I can't afford to replace yet and dripping taps. I am so so so much happier though, because my life is now better (he was a lying cheating thieving arsehole).
And I've actually tied up lots of money in the old house so my daughter wouldn't have to cope with two new homes - I paid half of the deposit, half all bills and mortgage... So I am owed money and could have been in a house with a shiny en suite now. But I don't care.

When you're happy in yourself, the trappings don't matter so much.

It's worth looking at the things that make you unhappy that you can change.

The secret to happiness is not getting what you want, but being happy with what you have. It is a mindset. Sometimes you need to work at this.

Try taking 10 minutes out of your day first thing and last thing and spend that time reflecting on what is good about your life. If you can, make time to go for a walk. Try to get your H to do the same.

You will be amazed how much difference it makes

Being made redundant and not being in an ideal job is probably eating away at your husbands self esteem and also the feeling that he is not 'providing' for his family. Maybe looking at how you can both get some satisfaction from life is important here?

I think looking at others life's and wishing you had what they do is a bit grass is greener mindset. But really money once you have basic needs covered does not equate to happiness.

If you are naturally positive and your H isn't then you have to lead but without confrontation. Maybe reassurance that your house may not be perfect, but it is home. And looking for creative ways to declutter and make better use of your space. Draw up lists of what needs to be done, and work slowly towards them, shopping around to save money. Maybe you need less in your life not more!

My closest friends have both been abroad twice, one has already bought a large house, the others are in the process of doing so. A small house and camping in Wales (or possibly the Peak district) is the closest my family will get, this year. I am really looking forward to it (long walks, guilt- free desserts, etc).

I am not envious because I know the back story. Friend 1 works long hours, has a massive mortgage and is desperate to start a family, but cannot due to her career circumstances. Friend 2 is ttc, but time is really not on her side. I have my DS in cuddled in my arms and consider myself lucky. He's a damn sight more expensive than a large home and holiday - and worth so much more.

More practically, focus on your achievements and set realistic goals to celebrate, when they happen. You both sound motivated and intelligent, so you know your circumstances can change for the better.

Thanks again, you all make so much sense.

We do try really hard to be positive. DH doesn't love his new job but he's grateful he doesn't have to travel as much as he used to and it's in a nice area where he can get out for a walk at lunchtime which he really enjoys (we both agree that a walk can be very therapeutic).

I juggle work from home which can be tricky but means I don't have to deal with a long commute or office politics. Most of the time we appreciate little things like that and are relatively happy but I think things just seem to have built up a bit lately.

We'd had a long talk after the row at the weekend and come up with some ways of making life seem a bit cheerier - we were really making an effort to be positive. Then I met my friend and heard about their plans and it just made everything we'd talked about seem a bit pathetic and pointless :(.

Hi Cambridge, sorry to hear you are having a tough time and feelings like this can seem overwhelming. I find once you are in a negative mindset it can be difficult to break out. I know it's quite a different experience, but thought it might be helpful to share what I have found helpful: last year we had the most awful year, my DM died at the age of 57, a few months after my second DD was born and then my FIL died a few months later. My DH has been treated really badly at work to top it all off. I find it quite easy to become self-pitying and whilst I obviously need to go through the grieving process and have been doing that, I have also found that focusing on others needs and being able to give to others is a real tonic for the soul - it might be friends or strangers. Rather than purely focusing on my own story, it's been good to get caught up in others stories and thinking about how to help or just be there for them.

Does Mumsnet have a budgeting or dealing with debt type board?

I ask because before I discovered Mumsnet, I was a frequent lurker on Motley Fool and their boards, especially Dealing With Debt. As a theoretical example, people would say they were on skid row and facing possible bankruptcy. Debt experts (definitely a few on there) would ask to see a statement of affairs which listed all incomings and outgoings. They would pick at it and suggest things like cancelling Sky, changing mobile phone contracts, and watching day to day spending on things like coffees and magazines. These can all add up to £2k p.a. or more. What could you do with that sum of money? It's a holiday abroad for a family of 3, possibly 4.

Another gripe is that society in general thinks they deserve little treats now and then. Which is the cosmetic company whose tag line is 'because we're worth it? Well no, actually. I don't need special face cream with semiripides (?!?!? What?) bum cream and hair colour from them when I can stick to the basic products available from the Parnd Shop. Look at the ingredients in stuff. I bet most of them have agua as the dominant ingredient. And as we all know, agua is WATER. There's a whole lot of kidology going on.

I could go on. And on. And on.

I agree about the mindset.

But many small jobs are unlikely to pay as well as one big, and also unlikely to build your career in any way shape or form. How realistic is it for your business to take off and have real earning potential?

I find that there is a lot of entrepreneurial spirit around, families trying their best with small businesses hoping it will give flexibility and money. What it often does it provide a lot of work and little returns.

I often despair when I read that people are "working very hard to build their business", as the reality is that while they do, they commit more and more time, money and energy on something that will just draw them into further commitment and stress, rather than become the "nice little earner" they foresaw.

Vent over.

I think you could well have a point Quint, it's something I need to give a lot of thought to. I work in a creative business and tend to get quite wrapped up in it without focussing maybe as much as I should on the finances. I'm not throwing money away on my business but I need to think long and hard about whether it's actually going to bring much in.

Teeny I agree with everything you say about us feeling we 'deserve' things. It's a mindset I've got into but I hate it.

Ohmydays you've obviously had a lot to deal with, I can see why you would feel negative. We haven't got anything major as such, just a lot of niggling things e.g. various health problems with all of our parents on top of the usual stresses of day to day life.

Life just feels like a continual battle against one thing and then the next these days instead of the adventure I used to see it as when I was younger - clearly I'm getting old and cynical! I just find it hard to keep reminding ourselves how lucky we are and looking on the bright side, some days I just can't be arsed.

I get down about things all the time. Sometimes I barely have enough money to put in my electric and gas meters - I work full time. Many nights over the winter my home was so cold that I could actually see steam coming from my mouth!

Some weeks I can't afford to eat and have to decide between that or heating. I try not to complain because it won't get me anywhere and I should learn to manage my money better.

I have no flooring in my flat, I can't afford a week long holiday in the UK.

Despite this, I never feel any jealousy at all towards my friends, even the ones on benefits who have a foreign holiday twice a year.

Life is about making do with what you have, you will live a very miserable life if you keep comparing it to other peoples. Only you can change your current circumstances

You're right of course and I'm sorry that things are hard for you. You are clearly much better at dealing with it than I am.

Great thread. I think we all feel like this at times, I know I do.

You say that MG (misery guts) feels aggrieved that despite working hard, the rewards aren't coming. I'd say patience is a virtue, and you should do some long term planning.

Most of us start our adult journey skint but happy, then progress towards financial comfort and the responsibilities that come with that.

It doesn't come overnight, it takes time. Too long, for many of us. But you're both driven to succeed, and both of above average intelligence (my assumption). The day will come when you can say yup, this is a good wee life as you sip your fave tipple in a lovely destination.

But you need to share the dreams, the goals and the patience.

I know someone who acts really hard done by and resentful of others who seem to have more. However she doesn't seem to appreciate that she is at the time of her life (younger than us, just setting up home, small children) where things are tough for most people. We have all been where she is.

It depends who you mix with of course. And if you are always trying to keep up with the joneses. I can honestly say I have never felt jealous or resentful of anyone's material possessions or luck with money so I don't understand your feelings. Other posters obviously do.

Sometimes we all have a wake up call when a family member is ill, say, and we realise that what matters most is our health.

I sometimes feel sorry for myself when I see 'average' families like a previous poster says as my family situation is far from the norm. However I know I have to accept it. It's just the cards I've been dealt.

I also don't really understand what you are arguing about. If you both feel envious of what others have where is the disagreement?

Dare I ask how old you are? I am in my 50s and 20 years ago I felt like you do. However, now we have paid off our mortgage, kids left home , I am working more hours. Its surprising what a difference it makes. We are certainly not wealthy but we can afford a foreign holiday each year and eat out every month, so things do get better.
Only probs now are ageing bodies!

I'm early 40s, DH is late 40's. We're not really in the setting up home, small children phase any more (DD is 12 this year) but still feel like kids playing at being grown ups sometimes!

I appreciate that it takes time to get to a more comfortable position (if you ever do) but it seems as though we've been working a long time, got a lot more years ahead of us and not much to show for it. Of course we have really but it hits a nerve when others get handed to them what you are working hard for.

As to what we were arguing about when we are both feeling envious - that wasn't the whole subject of the argument but our different ways of dealing with the envy was part of it.

I think the jealousy is probably not the real problem here. I think if you worked on being happier with what you have, then you would find the jealousy would disappear.

I worked with newly arrived refugees for some years and it taught me to be incredibly thankful for what I have. I was very aware that in a different time or in different circumstances I could be the one who had lost my family, trying to start my life again with nothing in a strange country to which I have no ties. It has been years since I worked with the refugees, but the lesson stays with me. I am thankful for everything I have every day. Sure there are things I wish I had and I will never have and there are things I wish were different, but I am still one of the luckiest people alive.

Maybe you can start to be thankful? When you feel yourself dwelling on what you don't have, stop and start counting things to be thankful for instead. If you can turn your mindset around, I think the jealousy problem will sort itself out.

OP - please dont start comparing yourself to others. You have no idea what others are dealing with. I would probably be someone you would envy from outside. However, we are dealing with the very real possibility that DS might have a horrible genetic disease. Cliched I know but very true that if you and your loved ones are mentally and physically healthy then everything else can be dealt with.

comparison is the thief of joy.

Brilliant saying. I have been in a crap mood all afternoon since my DH phoned me to relate a conversation he had had with his mother. She plays favourites with her grandchildren, and ours at the bottom of the pile. It pisses me off in a big way, especially as we are really struggling at the moment as DD has a broken leg and DS has come down with something, and we are both trying to hold down jobs. We are covering it (just about) with taking annual leave, but DH asked his mother if she would be able to help out with a day over half term as we are using up all our leave now, and she said that she would need to check with SIL, as she would probably have her DC all that week, and then went on to make disparaging remarks about my Mum. Grrrrr

Anyway, apart from venting on here, I need to get a grip, because envy, whether it is material, or in relation to GP support, or whatever, is just caustic.

Sorry for hi-jacking. OP, I can see how galling it can seem, especially if you are working your nads off, but it is not your friend's fault.

I sometimes feel like you op. I have a shit flat, but can manage it ok. There's damp which I have to keep on top of. Loads of things have broken such as the shower and the heating so I have baths and electric rads. I have no family to fall back on etc.

But I did it all on my own, and from a really bad background.

And I have a plan where I will do something and earn money and really try to contribute to the world in my own way. I intend to make money of my own and start something up. Like many have said, no one is going to do it for me.

When I feel bad I do things like think about how well I have done, and how my scale is different to other people's ie I am lucky to be alive, which is a pretty basic starting point. Why not try that, think about how well you have dome to hold everything together and get to where you are now.

I like your idea of the own business. Must be hard at first. I don't like to hear about you having to prop a negative man up all the time. How could you interrupt that process? I also like working out a plan, something to aim for.... That'll get your mind off your friends.... I desperate from my partner for a bit here, to get my own head together and then come back different and make things, the energy in the home, somehow different. And do those jobs round the house nicely so that your home pleases you x

I don't want to make DH sound like an ogre - he can be a grumpy git but as I said before he does have lots of good qualities too :) I just think it's not in his nature to look on the bright side and as I tend to most of the time it can feel a bit unbalanced. But my life would be much worse off without him (I think...)

It seems counting your blessings is the way to go and I know I've got to try and do that. I am also proud that everything we've got we have achieved ourselves - our families have helped us out now and then over the years but none of them are very well off so never in a big way (not belittling it, just a fact) - and apart from that we have worked for everything we have which is something to be proud of, I just need to remember it!

My favourite quote is
"Happiness is not a destination but a way of life"

I feel for you OP, I remember feeling exactly like this with a friend of mine who had a dream house, lovely children, second home in the country holidays abroad etc etc. When I got to know her better I found that she was stuck in an abusive relationship with a serial philanderer. She refused to give up the lifestyle and was miserable. I'm not saying that your friend has problems like this but everyone has problems and stresses that others don't know about.....and some people will never be happy no matter how much money they have.

It took me ages to realise that being happy is actually a choice. Once I made that choice it really was a revelation!

Cuntrarian, what's the for?

I have been feeling like this, a bit, at times. All our friends got given house deposits, and so have all our siblings (through their in-laws) but neither dh nor I got any help, and had to put up with being patronised by people who thought they were 'better' than us because good fortune meant they owned houses. But we have worked our butts off and squirreled away money and just bought our own (modest) house with money we saved all by ourselves and it feels great.

I am also conscious that everyone around us is likely to inherit large amounts in the future whereas we will not. It sucks at times when we have worked hard in our careers, but I do think people on this thread are right, we have to just count our blessings. We have two wonderful children and jobs we love.

I spent a stint of time writing wills as a trainee solicitor and remember writing one where a (very wealthy) man was giving it all to charity rather than his children and he explained that he loved his children but he didn't believe in inherited wealth. At the time I found it hard to get my head round it. But now I sort of understand, I guess he worked hard for his money but saw others getting the same just handed to them. Life is a lottery though in so many senses, not just who gets what money - health/looks/children etc etc.

I would also caution against thinking that someone else's life is perfect - because you literally have no clue what goes on behind closed doors. To take just one example (of many) among my acquaintance: I know someone who earns a seven figure sum, has an equally successful and beautiful wife, three wonderful children, a mansion in the country... Etc. However, what most people don't know is that he has had affair after affair and his wife is heartbroken and miserable on the inside, but won't leave him because they have such a good lifestyle. You just never know! Count your blessings.