So jealous - how do we stop this wrecking our relationship and friendship?

[CambridgeBlue]

I've recently found out that a good friend has been given a very large sum of money that will enable her to do many of the things that we would love to do but can't afford - house extension, nice holiday, new car etc.

DH and I have ticked all the boxes - worked hard at school, got a degree, fairly good jobs - but we don't seem to have much to show for it. We own our own home but haven't a hope of ever extending even though it's getting too small for us all and we can only afford to do essential jobs by sacrificing something else. There's no way we could do anything 'nice' like a new kitchen. We run one not very new car and just about manage a week away in the UK each year.

I know this is all first world stuff and we're so much better off than many people but jealousy of what other people have/do seems to be eating us up - we had a huge row about it this weekend, one of the worst we've ever had.

DH just doesn't see the point in us working as hard as we do or teaching our DD to work hard because he doesn't feel we've got much to show for it. I am more positive natured than he is but I do feel rather the same way and this latest news about my friend is just the icing on the cake - I haven't dared tell DH yet because he is going to be so bitter.

I don't want to go on like this - it's threatening our marriage. I also don't want my friend to know how we feel but I am going to find it so hard to see all the plans being carried out right under our noses.

How the hell do we get over this envy and make the best of what we've got? I feel that's all we can do because there's no chance of any large handouts for us, I think 'comfortable' or 'managing' is the best we can ever hope for.

[4paws]

also wants to stand up and applaud Vinotime

[CambridgeBlue]

This is all excellent advice. I think imaging how I'd like DD to describe me is a great idea - I'd be mortified if she saw me as resentful or grasping or materialistic but very proud if she thought I had worked hard, tried my best for her and done it with (mostly) a smile on my face. I need to keep that in mind.

I've had some very good news about my business this week which may help us out financially but most importantly recognises the hard work I've put in and that people like what I'm doing. That sort of validation is really important to me, possibly more so than earning a lot. Which gives me something else to think about...

Reveal I don't think you should fuck off - anyone who can sympathise about living with a grumpy git less than positive person is free to moan to me! I get that it must be hard if you're made that way but I do get fed up with always being the one who has the ideas, or looks for the positives - you obviously do too.

[antimatter]

you know when I was the proudest parent?
when my daughter told me that I am the most positive person she knows, because she knows where I come from and how little I had at her age and that I earned everything I have through my hard graft

I have my bad moments but I never ever complain about many things because really - stuff which grinds us dow on daily basis doesn't matter that much in a bigger picture of things.

All those niggling worries won't be remembered next month and not at al next year!

I learned a bit from mindfulness and a lovely books I read and people I talk to.
If you want to get interesting perspective please have look at and read Ruby Wax Sane New World

Bigger house, greater holidays - in 10 hears time half of those people would be (as statistics say) in bereavement, broken families, various illnesses. Materialistic things matter only up to the point of providing for our basic needs, the rest is just inflated egos and showing off.

You don't wear their shoes or see their bills. Let them live their life and you can learn to un-learn bad habits of negativity. Only you can change it

[Jan45]

OP, you may be feeling this way also because you are not using your full potential so feel a bit frustrated, it could possibly prove that there's more to you than what you think and you are in fact capable of a lot more, use this positively but don't dwell any more on the Jones's, we'd all drive ourselves mad comparing to others.

I really do believe if you have enough money to pay the bills and have a reasonable presented home, that's enough. More importantly are your relationships, with partners, children, relatives and colleagues - if you have good communication with all these people, you'll be a happy contented person.

[DoloresTheNewt]

I've been thinking a lot recently about the kind of role model I want to be for my DS. In as few words as possible, I'm earning less and less and I'm really fearful of change.
So I thought about the example I wanted to set DS, and the way I wanted him to describe me to future GFs... and I'd like him to be able to say that his ma was resourceful and positive, whether that means sticking with current job - happily - and managing with less, or finding a second form of income.
What I wouldn't want him to say - and believe me, OP, I'm not picking on you, I'm saying this to myself because I would respond to your friend with the windfall in exactly the same way that you did - is "she looked at other people with more and always resented it." And I don't want him to pick up that kind of thinking, either.

That's what motivates me. Might not work for you.

[RevealTheHiddenBeach]

If it's your DH that is the grumpiest one who's making you think like this, then it might be worth having a chat with him about that separately.

My DP is wonderful, but is also a glass-half-empty kind of person, and occasionally has moments where he's pissed off that we're not in as happy a situation than others. I realised that where that was getting me down, wasn't that the jealousy was rubbing off on me (as I really didn't care), but that it made me feel like he was saying that I wasn't enough for him, that it needed more than me to make it worth him not having the life that others do. We chatted, he didn't mean that at all, and now it's really helped whenever those down moments do occur.

I realise that a) i'm talking about moments and from what you say it sounds like you are finding this more frequent, and b) that i may be entirely projecting and you may just want to say fuck off reveal, but i thought it might be worth considering?!

[lalouche]

Remember also that it's a mug's game - there's always going to be someone with more money than you. If you had money for the extension, new car, holiday, you'd start thinking 'oh but x has an even bigger house in a better part of town. I wish I had that.'

Few of us are immune - we've been lucky enough to just redo our whole house, and now I'm thinking 'ooh but wouldn't it be nice to have money to have a garden workshop' (not comparing myself to anyone else, just wishing we had more money:) ) - but it really isn't the route to happiness!

[antimatter]

life is busy - I agree, for all of us
some stuff needs effort and finding time to be together is an effort when both of you are working FT
even more important to make that a priority!

[Hedgehead]

Someone once told me "same shit, different situation."

No matter what situation you have in life (great fortune, job opportunities, babies, whatever) you are still yourself - you have the same shit ie, the same general life tendencies, the same conditioning, the same attitude, the same innate self.

Your luck in life comes from the above qualities, not from changes of circumstance. It is a delusion if you think it doesn't and it comes from external things.

If you and your DH are able to self-reflect (like it sounds you are able to do), you have less 'shit' than others to start with.

[CambridgeBlue]

I know, the time is ticking by so fast :(.

We do a lot of that kind of thing but it tends to get pushed down the list a bit sometimes when life is busy. It was one of the things we discussed last weekend though and we've been making a real effort this week.

Actually, the fact that we are 'that' kind of family is one of the things I am most proud of and I must remember that when I am beating myself up for not giving DD everything I want to.

[antimatter]

your dd is 12 so in under 10 years she is likely to be financially independent
you have about 5 years or so to make difference to her experience with you and your dh

do you spend enough time as 3 of you just doing simple things liek playing a board game or going for a walk?

[MPB]

Converting should be coveting!

[CambridgeBlue]

Wow I never expected so many responses and so much food for thought. I'm genuinely touched that so many people have bothered to read my whinging posts especially those who have far more to complain about than I do.

I know all of this, I do. I know experiences make you happy not 'stuff'. I know my happy healthy DD and kind, faithful grumpy DH are worth more than anything material could ever be. I know I should be grateful for what I've got especially as life has a habit of pulling the rug out from under you and when that happens you'd give anything to go back to only having the lack of a new kitchen or whatever to worry about.

I don't know why I feel like this. My parents have always been very supportive but I've never had a lot of confidence in myself and it's true I don't feel 'good enough'. It's not the first time someone's suggested that to me but I can't work out why it should be the case.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply, I appreciate all the responses, sympathetic or otherwise :)

[MPB]

Great post Vino!

Cambridge - write a list of all the things you have that you are grateful for, that make you smile and feel warm and cosy inside.

Do what Vino has done and look at photographs. Do something nice this weekend like go for a nice walk.

My Dad always said to us as kids 'be thankful for what you have' We were relatively poor compared to our friends families, but it rarely bothered me as we were loved, encouraged and given opportunities. Like going to Guides or camping with family at weekends. I don't remember converting extensions or foreign holidays.

My Dad's words have stuck with me into adulthood. Sometimes I forget but mainly I am so grateful for my life and my little family.

Try to be happy for your friend.

[chrome100]

I think you need to count your blessings. With the best will in the world - you do sound a bit grasping. A new kitchen means nothing. What's important is your health and family and provided you've got food on the table and a roof over your head - who cares? I can't afford to buy a house. DP and I flat share with five people. I have no car. I don't care because everything else is fine. You need to focus on what you have and not what you don't.

[livingzuid]

I would. Not of. Early morning typing gaa

[livingzuid]

vino if there is an award for best post ever of nominate yours for it :)

[SecretWitch]

VinoTime, I think I love you...

[KittyAndTheFontanelles]

I wish I could get some milk to you, vino.

OP, listen to vino

[VinoTime]

I'll put this in perspective for you.

I have £1.03 in my bank account until Friday and I need to buy milk.

Feel better?

You're too focused on what you don't have, OP. Frankly, you both need a boot up the arse, 'cause guess what? The trick to a contended life is acceptance. And I say that as a 26 year old single mum who realised that little tidbit early on through shitty circumstances. But guess what? I wake up happy (most) mornings even when I know I only have £1.03 in the bank.

The real question is: When will it ever be enough? Will a bigger house make you happier, or will you fill it up with junk and then need something even bigger? Would more money help and if so, how much? And how much more after you've realised that sum is no longer enough? A few more holidays every year would be great, but would you actually appreciate them? A financial handout never hurts. Nor would a second when the first is all gone. New kitchens are fabulous. Until you see your friends and decide you wish you'd got a different one. Shiny new car to look at - it'll be worth considerably less in no time, you'll be paying it off for years and some rich bitch is always, always going to drive by in a brand new Range Rover with private fucking plates and make you despise yourself for not having one.

The answer to the above? It will never be enough. We're pre-programmed to always want more. But if you find acceptance in what you have and what you don't, waking up with a smile on your face is so much easier. Trust me.

You want your daughter to have a rich, full life? Give her a childhood she will always look back on fondly. Give her happy parents who spent time with her and loved her. What does she need more? A parent who will sit down and help her with homework/encourage her/make some sacrifices for her...or a horse?

You're looking at everything the wrong way, OP. You have given your daughter the best possible start in life - you have taught her to always work hard. Now you need to show her that all that hard work makes you appreciate what you have.

I used to look at some of my friends on FB and feel so consumed with bitterness. I was young, scared and stuck, choosing between heating or eating at my absolute lowest, and here were all these people I'd known at one point or another seeing the world and experiencing amazing things and buying, buying, buying. Then all of a sudden I flicked through my pictures one day - at all of my memories. And I realised somebody was probably looking at my life thinking: "God she's got it good. Look how happy her and that child are." And you know what, we are happy! There's feckin' £1.03 in the bank, we went to Butlins on holiday last year and I treat myself to new clothes out of George (Asda) when I can afford to. Friends of mine are posting up pictures of their new Micheal Kors watches/handbags at Christmas time. I'm posting up a picture of the happiest little six year old in the world because her Granddad is reading her 'The Night before Christmas" on Christmas Eve. I wouldn't trade that damn picture/memory in if Michael Kors himself hand delivered one of every watch/handbag/whatever other shit he makes to my door tomorrow morning.

The only way to shake negativity is to pick it up yourself and tell it to go take a running jump. As Rab C Nesbitt so eloquently put it: "Don't let the bastards get t'ya!"

[Cabrinha]

It would help I think to try to work on why it matters to you what people think - especially in material terms.
Did you have a parent that you were never good enough for, etc etc...
Breaking free from that would really help.
If you value yourself, then you will assume that other people will value you - so you'll stop thinking that you need some outward trapping to "prove" your success.

I earn more than my boyfriend. When I go to his house, I covet his things. For two reasons: he has lots of foraged / antique fair /ebay type artefacts and I am "jealous" of his eye for something quirky, and the other reason is that he's got a great eye for a bargain!

You don't have to fall into the materialism trap. But if you're there, really think hard about how you got there, right back to attitudes you were shown in childhood.

[cory]

CambridgeBlue Wed 29-Jan-14 14:38:12
"Actually although I haven't mentioned her much, it's my DD's part in all of this that is probably most important to me.

I want to give her all I can in terms of experiences, opportunities and without spoiling her, material things. "

There's other things you can give her too. Resilience, the ability to enjoy the little things in life, even a sense of economy are very useful things to take with you in life. Oh and the example of a parent who decides to make a change in her life and the way she sees things.

"Of course I want to set a good example to her but when I tell her 'if you work hard you will stand the best chance of getting what you want out of life) it doesn't really ring true because I don't always feel that's how it's been for us."

So tell her that if she does a good job she will feel better about herself. Tell her that if she tries her hardest she will learn more and develop more as a person. Tell her that if she works hard and thinks about what she does she will be able to do other people good.

[AnUnearthlyChild]

I live with a dementor. The glass is always half empty. As a natrual optimist, it used to really upset me. The best thing I ever did was to STOP trying to jolly him out of it.

If he wants to wallow in gloom, go for it. I just ignoreduntil he was ready to have a non doom related conversation. Or wholeheartedly agreed and then gently egg him on if I was bored.

I found it liberating. I hadn't realised just how stressful it is always being someone's positive side. Actually once I broke the cycle of him dooming and me counteracting, he got significantly better at self regulating. If he starts up now I just give him the face and wander off.

[CuntyBunty]

A net contributor, contrarian? As in a tax payer? Aren't we all? I don't know what is so shocking about ambition being for a goal, like working in the public sector, rather than lots and lots of money. Or are you shocked that I hate the Tories? Or is your shock because I prefer a slower, more fun way of life than frenetic money grubbing? I am curious. I can see we both have, and prefer, very different lives. Yours doesn't shock me, so I can't see what would shock you about mine? I'm quite boring really, a product of growing up under the Tories in Liverpool in the 1980s, but not at all shocking.