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Original poster

Would this bother you with a new partner?

74 replies

Pantone363 · 27/01/2014 14:30

We've been together about 3 months. He had a messy breakup (she threatened self harm etc).

At least once a week she is phoning/texting about different things...money, needs to see him, can he meet with her, needs a scarf back (it had been in his loft for 2 years), can he give her a lift etc etc. They split up 6 mths ago. No DC involved.

The problem from my point of view is that he hasn't and refuses to tell her he is in a relationship Hmm. He either ignores the texts (and gets abuse/crying for not replying) or goes along with what she needs/wants (he ended up paying/giving her 5k to find somewhere to live when they first split as he owned the house).

I'm not going to tell him he has to tell her but I think maybe she might be able to move on if he does. He says she's unstable and it will just make the arguments worse, she'll starting turning up at his etc. he's moving soon and is planning on just changing his number. Which seems a ridiculous situation.

Would it bother you that he won't tell her?

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 27/01/2014 14:33

It would bother me and it would also make me suspicious that the relationship wasn't as over as he says.

But then I am cynical.

WarmFuzzyFuture · 27/01/2014 14:37

Many people put their head in the sand and dealing with a situation at the right time in the correct manner. Your new partner is one of these types of people.

He is showing you how he will deal with difficult situations and issues when you eventually encounter them.

Take note.

WarmFuzzyFuture · 27/01/2014 14:37

when dealing with....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/01/2014 14:38

If this is what it is like after 3 months then I cannot see this getting at all better anytime soon. The first 12 months of a relationship are supposed to be happy and carefree; this is akin to a warzone.

He is still emotionally tied to his ex and is feeling much guilt; I would not be at all dating someone like this. Its far too messy and complicated for you to have to deal with.

Do you know for sure that she is doing all these things or is this information second hand i.e from him?.

He started a relationship with you only three months after finishing with his ex, he did not let the grass grow under his feet did he?.

Lweji · 27/01/2014 14:38

refuses to tell her he is in a relationship

Dealbreaker for me, unless he was specifically afraid of her.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 27/01/2014 14:38

WarmFuzzy. Yep he is definitely a head in the sand type. I'm pretty sure it's over between them, he gets really stressed when she rings and I've heard him repeatedly tell her it's over and she needs to move on.

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 27/01/2014 14:38

Tricky one.

He doesn't seem a bad person,just someone in a bad position.

I think I would follow my gut instinct and look at other aspects of the relationship to get a measure of him as a potential partner in the longer term.

WarmFuzzyFuture · 27/01/2014 14:38

Sigh: 'Many people put their head int he sand when dealing with a situation rather than deal with it at the right time and in the correct manner.'

Only1scoop · 27/01/2014 14:39

Denies your existence Hmm
Dealbreaker I think

YoBitch · 27/01/2014 14:40

yes it would. I don't like avoidance like that, it's selfish behaviour - he's only thinking of himself.

I wouldn't be able to trust a man who behaved in this fashion.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 27/01/2014 14:40

This is what I needed to hear. I don't think he's afraid of her, more afraid she'll hurt herself (although she's threatened to before but never done it)

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 27/01/2014 14:40

Yes. It would bother me.

I would walk away and tell him to not bother dating anyone until he is emotionally ready to do so.

WarmFuzzyFuture · 27/01/2014 14:41

Pantone, I partly agree with That above, but I also think you may need to be careful that you don't end up being on the end of this kind of treatment.

He should man up and cut all contact really. She is no longer his responsibility and the longer it goes on the more difficult is all becomes.

Meerka · 27/01/2014 14:42

I could understand it up to a point if he's afraid she's unstable.

In an ideal world he should tell her and handle the shitstorm and/or harassment that might follow if she really is unstable, but well, anyone would avoid that if they reasonably can.

But I would also ask him when he plans to move by and if it isn't in say 6 weeks, or if he passes that date, I'd be moving on myself. I'd also be rather wary because while it -could- be real, it could also very well be an indicator of a problem with him eg he likes her hanging onto him, he can't stand up to someone, he hasn't really finished. It's certainly a large amber flag. If he deals with it and makes the break, then ok. If not, then bye!

AskBasil · 27/01/2014 14:42

Yes.

Why bother?

If he's not improving your life after such a short time in it, why is he in it?

It's not as if you've got years of emotional investment in him.

I'd drive on.

Meerka · 27/01/2014 14:43

ah, sorry you say he's a head-in-sand type all the time. Then no, it's a dealbreaker.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 27/01/2014 14:46

He has just sold his house and bought another property so he's moving very soon.

I'm taking this all onboard. This came about due to another text last night asking him if she can have their dog (she didn't want it when she left)

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 27/01/2014 14:47

it sounds like she is manipulating him (whether knowingly or not) and he is being manipulated.

I feel sorry for him tbh and I cannot say how I might react in those circumstances.

I would find it very hard feeling responsible for another person's wellbeing in a situation like this.

even though he shouldn't feel responsible and he should move on,it does show a caring aspect to his nature.Imho.

Meerka · 27/01/2014 14:55

The thing is if he's head-in-the-sand type then what are you going to do when hard times come along if you are together? You'd be carrying him. Is that something you'd be willing to do?

desperatelyseekingsolace · 27/01/2014 14:56

I wouldn't say it definitely means he's still emotionally tied her, he may just be taking ages to extricate himself and find it hard to move on. They may have loads of friends in common. She may be stalking him or being completely unreasonable.

But at some point, if he wants your relationship to progress, he needs to man up and tell her. And you need to make that clear. Three months is not a long-term relationship but its long enough to have an idea of whether a relationship has a potential future and if it does he will need to clear the decks.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/01/2014 14:58

It would bother me. Three months in they're meant to have eyes only for you aren't they? Him and his baggage sound far too much like hard work.

WarmFuzzyFuture · 27/01/2014 14:59

Meerka Smile you've said what I was trying to say without the typos and post corrections!

'The thing is if he's head-in-the-sand type then what are you going to do when hard times come along if you are together? You'd be carrying him.'

^^This is who he is, do you want this?

TinselTownley · 27/01/2014 15:01

It would bother me a great deal, to be honest. It doesn't sound like he's leading her on or getting anything out of it but rather that he's terrified of the consequences of making the break. In fairness, I imagine that it is really difficult to do with a person who persistently threatens self harm and, doubtless, she emotionally abused him this way throughout their relationship. That said, he shouldn't be giving her lifts or seeing her at all.

Could you give him a gentle nudge towards speaking to someone impartial, like Mind, about what's going on? It might help him feel less responsible for her welfare? I think it's reasonable for him to at least sit down with you and take a problem solving approach to the issue. If he wont do that then I'd be proper cross.

I once had a similar situation with an alcohol dependent ex who, for 10 years, kept popping up and threatening to off himself unless I talked him down. I too was quite scared of telling him I'd moved on because once, he did turn up at my mother's house looking for me and threatening to stab himself (particularly worrying because he'd flown from his native Denmark especially). In the end, I managed to contact his sister and kind of do a handover. She was lovely about it and, ten years after he drank himself to death, we are still friends.

My then boyfriend was largely fine about it (apart from wanting to protect me) because we put all our cards on the table and tackled the issue as a problem WE were facing as a couple. It might well be, if you do that, that changing his number and moving is the best escape. However, I don't think it's unfair of you to ask him to put your relationship first by finding a solution together.

Tonandfeather · 27/01/2014 15:05

Gosh - yet another one!

It's the MAN who's the problem here, not his ex.

I doubt you've got any incontrovertible proof that this woman is unstable or self-harming.

Even in the unlikely event she was any of those things, he is not her carer and is not responsible for her welfare.

The much more likely story is that this woman is as sane and well as you and I and that this is yet another guy who likes two women competing for him.

Women really shouldn't believe all they are told by men about other women.

TinselTownley · 27/01/2014 15:13

Aww, Ton, I was trying to be less of a cynic. You know, open my mind to the possibility that someone might not be doing this because they're a total git.

But, you're probably right. Sadly.