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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would this bother you with a new partner?

74 replies

Pantone363 · 27/01/2014 14:30

We've been together about 3 months. He had a messy breakup (she threatened self harm etc).

At least once a week she is phoning/texting about different things...money, needs to see him, can he meet with her, needs a scarf back (it had been in his loft for 2 years), can he give her a lift etc etc. They split up 6 mths ago. No DC involved.

The problem from my point of view is that he hasn't and refuses to tell her he is in a relationship . He either ignores the texts (and gets abuse/crying for not replying) or goes along with what she needs/wants (he ended up paying/giving her 5k to find somewhere to live when they first split as he owned the house).

I'm not going to tell him he has to tell her but I think maybe she might be able to move on if he does. He says she's unstable and it will just make the arguments worse, she'll starting turning up at his etc. he's moving soon and is planning on just changing his number. Which seems a ridiculous situation.

Would it bother you that he won't tell her?

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 27/01/2014 20:13

Pan, if he's coming over later....if he doesn't mention it I'd consider just saying something....you know along the lines of "how did the phonecall to Mavis go" why shouldn't you....
Good luck

Tonandfeather · 27/01/2014 20:15

So how long ago did they break up and why did it end?

Original poster

Pantone363 · 27/01/2014 22:33

Well he's been here about two hours and no mention of it. I'm not going to bring it up, I think if he chooses to hope it'll just go away and to just ignore it it's quite indicative of his personality.

I'm not going to be the nagging women squeezing info from him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pantone363 · 27/01/2014 22:35

6 mths ago. They split due to growing apart and wanting different things in life. She wanted to stop working and try for a baby, he wasn't ready. He still likes to travel and spend his spare money on hobbies etc, she wanted to move to a bigger house. Just different personalities.

OP posts:

LentilHearted · 28/01/2014 19:28

He seems weak, can't communicate, imagine yourself in her position...you don't know he's in a new relationship, maybe he'll come back to you, after all you were in love right! Wouldn't it be better to know the score- I mean we aren't idiots! It would bother me if I were the new lover, his behaviour makes him seem like he's keeping the ex hanging on in case this doesn't work out.

Lweji · 28/01/2014 19:38

After the last post, I hope you're not looking to have a family with this man.

Tonandfeather · 28/01/2014 20:23

I don't know any women who want to stop working before they've even got pregnant, so that sounds unlikely.

It sounds like it was a very serious relationship though and yet he got into one with you very quickly afterwards - you say you met him 4 months ago, apparently 2 months after his break up.

I'm not sure why re-stating your boundaries translates to 'nagging woman' either.

Only1scoop · 28/01/2014 20:32

Agree Ton
'Nagging woman' ....no a very wise one who wishes to gain the 'understanding' of your current 'set up' as to determine whether she wants to even see you again.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2014 20:34

OP, have you seen the other thread about this subject today ?

That poster was still in the same position 18 months later. Bad news.

caramelwaffle · 29/01/2014 00:54

18 months!? Sod that.

Pan don't do yourself down by calling it "nagging". Call it talking or discussing.

BOFtastic · 29/01/2014 01:37

It is totally weaselly of him to jump to her requests, while pretending he cares, when he is prepared to just change his phone number. That shows that he doesn't actually care about her, but about avoiding confrontation.

What a coward.

caramelwaffle · 29/01/2014 01:42

Couldn't agree more BoF

RiaOverTheRainbow · 29/01/2014 02:47

Agree with BOF

He's either a coward or a liar, not worth the hassle.

aufaniae · 29/01/2014 03:04

I think he might be a nice person without the tools to deal with a manipulative ex. She sounds just like my ex. He was always trying to wheedle his way back in to my life. I let him for ages because I didn't understand quite how fucked up he was or how much he was manipulating me. I got it eventually, but it was hard.

I don't think I was a coward or a liar. I was naive and had no understanding of how to deal with someone so needy and manipulative. I hoped he'd take the hint (e.g. I had broke up with him!). He never did. I moved away in the end.

I don't know if it's all the ex, but it does sound like it could be, I think some of you are unfairly damning the DP.

OP please don't play games with your DP, like waiting for him to bring it up. If you want to be with him, talk about it together. If you don't, you know what to do!

MistressDeeCee · 29/01/2014 03:28

I too had a dysfunctional ex - I guess many of us have been there. Its nothing new. However I wasnt in a relationship with someone else whilst trying to maintain ties with exH and pretending it was absolutely essential to my, & exH's life, that I do so. Manipulaton is manipulation however its dressed up. & excuses are excuses. I long ago moved on to a new relationship. My exH still tries to contact me on occasion however he doesnt have my phone numbers, only email address, & having realised that, Ive blocked email address too. He contacts because he cant bear the thought of a woman not thinking he's God's gift...despite still having his female hangers on, I became of more interest than them when I no longer wanted him due to becoming more than fed up, after several years of feeling we weren't having a private relationship; these women with their thoughts, needs, wishes had his 'ear' as far as I saw it, so I eventually left him to it and all the stress it caused me. He's my ex..he isnt going to die for lack of me is he? so I certainly wouldnt disrespect myself and my OH by presenting ex as an essential. My concern is my (lovely) current relationship. & personally I feel thats as it should be. Otherwise the focus is skewered.

Aussiemum78 · 29/01/2014 03:29

You could tell him you should take a break, and he can call you when he's sorted his shit out...and if you are still single you will consider it.

He can deal with this immediately if he wants to.

Original poster

Pantone363 · 29/01/2014 17:09

He called her that night and told her (she was working late which was why he didn't bring it up)

In less than 48 hrs he's had 21 texts and 16 missed calls from her. He's shown me all of them. They range from I'm happy for you, I hate you, delete my number, I love you, who is she, I'm happy for you, you better watch out, I'm driving in my car drunk (he wanted to call her at this point) but again I just said she was manipulating him.

At least she knows now and hopefully this will all die down soon. Thanks for all the advice

OP posts:

Tonandfeather · 29/01/2014 17:16

You might have said that, but what does HE say and think?

I hope she's got good friends around her who will deter her from contacting him. Loss is painful, but everyone's got the right to end a relationship and start another one. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, especially if the relationship was serious as it sounds like this one was.

It would be better for her and him if he distanced himself completely now.

SwimmingClose · 29/01/2014 21:25

I'm not sure how someone can be a "new partner" after 3 months!!! You are surely still getting to know him OP, see if he is "partner" or "friend" etc? Whether its his ex or whether its him, it still sounds a bit of a mess, why get involved anymore than you have to? If I were you, I'd keep my distance, and disengage a bit. If he really is interested in you, and you really do want a deeper relationship with him, that will be get clearer over time, without you becoming seemingly a third party. Otherwise, its just like he has these two desperate women fighting over him ... (is that what he wants? hmm...)

Original poster

Pantone363 · 29/01/2014 23:00

Would it better if I said boyfriend? I say partner because I feel a bit old to have a boyfriend! Not for any other reason

OP posts:

saffronwblue · 29/01/2014 23:04

He did the right thing to tell her. Her reaction is quite scarey but at least she knows now. Her emotional well being is not his responsibility.

threeleftfeet · 29/01/2014 23:39

Oh. I totally misunderstood the OP! (In my defence is was 3am!)

I thought he was not telling her to do one. I must have not read it properly as I didn't realise he was actually keeping the relationship secret.

Good that he's told her now. I'm really not sure I like the idea of him just moving and ignoring her calls to end it. No, actually, I am sure, that's a terrible idea!

Pantone363 I hope you're right and the drama does end now.

savemefromrickets · 30/01/2014 22:29

DP has taken a ridiculous amount of crap from his ex like this, but he has to deal with it as he has kids.

My xh's ex girlfriend tried similar - ending in a suicide attempt - luckily for him they didn't have any kids so she is not his responsibility.

This woman is not your partner's res

savemefromrickets · 30/01/2014 22:32

Responsibility... He needs to learn to recognise that he is being manipulated and has possibly been emotionally abused.

You cannot help him do this. I think he would benefit from seeing a counsellor to help him discuss what has happened and what is and isn't his responsibility.

DP is about to start this process. I wish he'd done it years ago rather than having so many evenings when he has been subject to insults, pleas and manipulation. Like I say, he has children so can't walk away. Your partner can, and should.

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