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Original poster

Would this bother you with a new partner?

74 replies

Pantone363 · 27/01/2014 14:30

We've been together about 3 months. He had a messy breakup (she threatened self harm etc).

At least once a week she is phoning/texting about different things...money, needs to see him, can he meet with her, needs a scarf back (it had been in his loft for 2 years), can he give her a lift etc etc. They split up 6 mths ago. No DC involved.

The problem from my point of view is that he hasn't and refuses to tell her he is in a relationship Hmm. He either ignores the texts (and gets abuse/crying for not replying) or goes along with what she needs/wants (he ended up paying/giving her 5k to find somewhere to live when they first split as he owned the house).

I'm not going to tell him he has to tell her but I think maybe she might be able to move on if he does. He says she's unstable and it will just make the arguments worse, she'll starting turning up at his etc. he's moving soon and is planning on just changing his number. Which seems a ridiculous situation.

Would it bother you that he won't tell her?

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 27/01/2014 15:21

I think that is a very condemning viewpoint Ton. Shock

Not saying it never happens,but I am surprised you seem not to even consider that he may be genuine.
What makes you so certain she definitely isn't manipulating him?

Tonandfeather · 27/01/2014 15:27

I'm not saying she ISN'T trying to manipulate him.

But I wouldn't believe even THAT if I'd had no proof of it myself and the only person saying it was a guy who might have an agenda to paint a woman as batshit crazy and so in love with him that she harmed herself at the loss of him.

Even if this poster comes back and says no, I've met her and she's told me herself she's a broken woman whose safety is at risk unless my boyfriend keeps going running, this is beyond the guy's remit or frankly, expertise.

But she won't because obviously she's never met her. Handy that, don't you think?

Tonandfeather · 27/01/2014 15:29

So I say to the poster. How much have you seen and heard YOURSELF?

ThatBloodyWoman · 27/01/2014 15:33

Completely get what you're saying and that it's a possibility Ton.And that there has to be an element of caution.

But as Tinsel described above,the manipulation can be the real factor and it can happen regardless of gender.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/01/2014 15:34

Yes, would bother me hugely.

I would feel reasonably sympathetic to someone who kept calling an ex, because although it's a nuisance I can understand a bad breakup. But she should know you exist!

I do think ton isn't wrong here that it's not unusual for people to claim their ex is unstable in order to justify a bad breakup/odd behaviour from the ex. That combined with him not wanting to tell her he's with you now is quite seriously bizarre.

At best, you're dating a man too scared of his ex to tell the truth, which makes him pretty pathetic.

Tonandfeather · 27/01/2014 15:42

If this poster was a man complaining about another guy who kept pestering an ex girlfriend who was claiming not to have met anyone else, I'd say the same.

Check you've got the truth and tell your girlfriend that she's not a physician with sole responsibility for the guy's alleged mental health breakdown.

I do however think that guys are more curious about these stories and check it out, probably because they haven't been brought up with bullcrap stories about men going batshit crazy and cutting themselves when a woman dumps them.

ThatBloodyWoman · 27/01/2014 15:53

I think that if Pantene chooses to give this man a chance,the real test will be whether, when he moves, he does,indeed,change his phone number,and all contact ceases.

I would give it that bit longer personally if he's a good 'un in all other respects,but it's not my call.

OP, if there's a serious niggling doubt in the back of your mind,though,I'd give it some serious time and not push it away.

ThatBloodyWoman · 27/01/2014 15:55

Sorry Pantone not Pantene

ThatBloodyWoman · 27/01/2014 15:56

OP,is there are mutual friend of theirs that your partner could contact and ask to take over the reigns,much in the way that Ton did with her ex?

Original poster
Pantone363 · 27/01/2014 16:04

Yes I've seen some of it for myself. A text one day saying she's hurt they can just be friends and she misses him in her life (which he ignored) then a text at 3am that morning which woke me up saying she hates him he's ruined her life she doesn't want anything to do with him, then two days later texting totally normally to ask him where she should get her car MOT.

I take on your point though.

I text him after I started this thread and told him it's bothering me, I don't think he's dealing with it and that he's burying his head in the sand. He just called and said he didn't realise I was that bothered and he'll call and tell her tonight. So I'll watch this space and see if he actually does!

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 27/01/2014 16:05

Pan that sounds positive. I'd insist on it.

Tonandfeather · 27/01/2014 16:09

But none of that proves she's self harming or is in a mental health pit. She sounds sad and angry, that's all. If we were her friends we'd say "Text us, not him!!"

I don't buy this "I didn't realise it was bothering you" stuff. Sorry. Unless he's a bit dense, it would bother most people to be kept a secret.

So yes, watch this space.

Meerka · 27/01/2014 16:24

Men can be a bit thick :P I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now if he's actually told her by tomorrow / the day after in case she's not around or something tonight. Hadn't realised you hadn't told him how much it was bothering you, that probably is something you need to talk about face to face too. While someone really should have worked it out that their new GF wouldnt like this, it is worth saying so plainly.

Texting him at 3am to say he's ruined his life is well off though; then asking him where to get his car MOT'd 2 days later Hmm At best she was drunk, at worst ... well, you and he'd know best what she's capable of.

Still think you need to consider the general head-in-sand trait though. That could be a real problem later on.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/01/2014 16:35
Hmm

'Men can be a bit thick'?

How about 'blacks dance really well' or 'those gays do love the decorating' while you're there?

TinselTownley · 27/01/2014 16:42

Ton, you are right about the conditioning thing. I did have a stalker at university (it's been an eventful life) and people just thought it was a joke. My boyfriend thought I'd led him on. It started because I turned down a date, it ended with me moving and being really afraid.

I'm still on speaking when passing terms with said boyfriend and I'm sure he still believes there was something going on.
Even my friends were doubtful, till he started wandering into halls and leaving increasingly bizarre gifts for me.

To add insult to injury, the stalker was called Roger. I could never have a liaison with a Roger. Unthinkable.

Monroe · 27/01/2014 16:43

I had similar to this when I met DH. We met 3 months after they had split, she was already in another relationship however she always rang DH whenever she needed anything. Problems with the car, changing her locks, she even rang once and asked him to be the guarantor on a loan for her mother!

DH was always very honest about when she hsd called and if he was going to do anything for her. He said although he no longer loved her he still wanted her to be okay and happy plus they had been together for 10 years so had a lot of shared history.

The difference was though he was honest about me from the start and never tried to hide our relationship. I think if he had I would have seriously considered walking away.

Your DP might be feeling guilty but needs to see he is only prolonging the pain and uncertainty for his ex. And he is not responsible for her actions although if her history of self harm is true then I can understand him not wanting to hurt her.

Joysmum · 27/01/2014 16:46

Keeping things a secret is lying by omission. If he can lie to her, he's a liar. I hate liars, I'd have trust issues.

Tonandfeather · 27/01/2014 17:20

That Roger thing made me laugh! Thanks.

LRD said what I wanted to say about men being thick. As long as there are women making excuses for men's lack of intelligence and naivety, the more they'll get played by man who are neither thick nor green.

SoleSource · 27/01/2014 17:49

I wonder what other hold she has over him aside from him being an emotionally attached wimp.

akawisey · 27/01/2014 18:20

What does he have to say about why she's like this? His explanation might help you understand his motives for staying engaged with her.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 27/01/2014 18:35

Emotionally attached wimp? Slightly vicious no?

I'd say the hold she has over him is that they were together for a long time and he doesn't want to see her hurt? Just because someone splits up doesn't mean you suddenly cease to give a fuck surely?

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 27/01/2014 18:49

He's still emotionally invested in his ex. He's not hiding that fact from you. I dont believe she was self-harming/distraught either. Some men use that old chestnut to justify staying in touch with ex, as they dont want to move on. People do what they want to do - & what they dont want to do, they simply dont. He knows the right thing to do, and he's not doing it. If he wanted an exclusive relationship with you then he'd show you that, you wouldnt have to ask him. Personally I couldnt be bothered with the drama of it all, a man who loves you will only have eyes for you, there'll be no passengers in the relationship. Id lose interest in him pretty quickly, it'd all be way to tiresome to deal with whilst trying to build a relationship.

When a man shows you who he is - believe him.

Optimist1 · 27/01/2014 19:15

The way I see it, in spite of the fact their relationship ended they still have shared history and he is fond of her. This is fine, even admirable, but she's not happy to have lost him and is making damn sure she's featuring in his life. The threats, pleas and declarations have got him unsure what to do for the best. He (wrongly) thinks that to tell her about you would make her even more distressed. It might, short-term, but she needs to know the reality of her situation.

Thank goodness the penny has dropped and he's going to take action. If he prevaricates perhaps you should tell him you'll continue your relationship with him as soon as he's free.

Tonandfeather · 27/01/2014 19:31

Were you on the scene before their break-up?

Original poster
Pantone363 · 27/01/2014 19:56

No I met him about 4 mths ago.

He's coming over later and I won't bring it up. If he has told her I'm sure he'll tell me. If he doesn't mention anything then I'll be taking a serious look at our relationship

OP posts: