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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just caught dh

76 replies

Wifeorfriend · 26/01/2014 19:26

Name changed
I've just walked in on dh masturbating and watching porn. It was 7pm and my dd 11 is still up and about.

We barely have sex these days. Sometimes less than on e a month and we've only been married a couple of years. I think I upset him recently, he does this thing sometimes when we have sex where I just feel like he wants it over with, he just wants to reach orgasm and go to sleep. I bothers me. I feel like my presence doesn't really matter, like it could be me or his hand and last time we had sex, he did this and I told him I hated it. He seemed genuinely upset. I know he'd never want to make me feel unwanted.
I am quite a sexual person. Before we met and when we first met I couldn't get enough lol. But when it became clear early on that dh wasn't going to be a 5 times a week kinda guy, I accepted it. He is lovely. He's funny, caring and so physically affectionate in other ways that I didn't need sex all the time. I still don't but I'd like it more often than I get it now.

I have always said that any woman who thinks her dp never looks at porn is deluded. I think they all do just some more than others. As far as master action is concerned, it doesn't bother me either. But this has upset me.

He went to bed a couple of hours ago saying he was tired and felt unwell. Dd took his dinner upstairs for him and I had gone into our bedroom to see if he wanted a hot drink. He quickly covered himself up and shut the laptop.
He's been tired and felt unwell quite a lot recently.
Maybe he doesn't have sex with me because he masturbates all the time?

I just jokingly said "what are you doing?" and he laughed "nothing". But then it hit me and I walked out,

I don't have an issue with porn or masturbating per se but in the daytime, with dd around and when I'm here and would love, absolutely love for him to show any desire for me from one week to the next has broken my heart wwyd

OP posts:

Original poster

Wifeorfriend · 26/01/2014 19:36

Sorry just realised that's a whole lot of intimate information. I'm shaking right now. I feel like this is the final straw with our intimacy issues and I can't talk to anyone. I want to work things out and if friends know about this they'll look at dh differently. So I can't talk to anyone

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 26/01/2014 19:38

I would talk to him. Tell him exactly how you feel and set some boundaries about not doing it when your DD could walk into the room.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 19:53

I think there's clearly a link between the porn use (and implied masturbation) and the perfunctory or absent sex-life. It's going to be an awkward conversation but, if you want to work things out, this 'funny, caring, affectionate' man who got upset when you complained last time has to realise how rejected you feel. He really has to start being honest about what's going on. You may not like the answer so be prepared on that score, but there's something really wrong here & he's not telling you what it is.

If he's tired and ill has he seen a GP? Other medical issues? Erectile problems?

Original poster

Wifeorfriend · 26/01/2014 19:58

He has issues with his back which he has treatment for. For a long time I blamed this for the dwindling sex life. It is also why it isn't weird if he's say he's long to hAve a lie down for a couple of hours. He does other things though, dances on nights out and takes on challenges like marathons etc. so it isn't that he's in permanent crippling pain and phi lay cannot have sex.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 20:09

That's why I say he has to start being honest. There's a reason why he has withdrawn from you sexually and prefers masturbation & unless he tells you the truth, you can't possibly make any progress.

sykadelic15 · 26/01/2014 20:16

I'm 90% confident my DH doesn't watch porn and if I walked in on him getting off to it, I would be upset about it... just as he probably would if the situation were reversed.

The issue is sometimes masturbation is a lot easier. It's not pleasant to say but sometimes a quick self-action to get to sleep is just better than full on 20+ mins of sex (plus cleaning up etc etc). You're tired and just want to get it done and not worry about the other person (selfish I know, but true).

I don't believe watching porn would decrease sex drive at all, if anything I find the opposite (encouraging sexual thoughts).

As to your question WWID - I would talk to him about it. Tell him why it upset you. Explain what you would like. Ask what he would like and try and work together to build your sexual relationship back up. It might take time, but you'll both feel better.

Original poster

Wifeorfriend · 26/01/2014 21:04

I don't know whether porn and masturbating reduce your sex drive, I think I'm just offended. If we had a more active sex life then idont think if be too bothered apart from the fact that it isn't appropriate with dd wandering around. But if told myself that his sex drive must be low right now, this is evidence that that may not be the case. He is arroused and wants to be sexual, just not with me.

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MissScatterbrain · 27/01/2014 09:08

He has a real problem if he feels the need to wank while DD is around and could easily disturb him.

The crap sex life is also down to his porn use. Porn has a dehumanising effect and also in order to get a higher hit, users often turn to more extreme types of porn.

For me porn use would be a deal breaker - not just because of the impact it can have on the relationship, but also because of the moral and ethical issues surrounding the porn industry where many of the women are trafficked, abused or come from vulnerable backgrounds.

Original poster

Wifeorfriend · 27/01/2014 09:16

I think it's the fact that dd could easily have disturbed him that freaks me out the most. I suppose I knew he looked at porn but naively thought it would only be when a mate sent him some crazy video. I never imagined he'd be downloading it.

I think masturbation is something that's quite healthy but in a relationship it should be extra to your sexlife, not instead of.

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MissScatterbrain · 27/01/2014 09:23

I agree masturbation is fine - but there is a time and place for it.

Original poster

Wifeorfriend · 27/01/2014 09:40

I just don't know how to talk to him about this. Last night he came down and asked me what was wrong. Dd was there, he knew what was wrong. I said if talk about it later. He went back upstairs, clearly embarrassed. I came upstairs just before 10 and he was already asleep. This morning he's gone to work and his cummy tissues are still next to the bed along with the laptop. The very least he could've done is clear them away.

I'm terrified of where the. I versatile will go.

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Original poster

Wifeorfriend · 27/01/2014 09:42

Where the conversation

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ShephardsDelight · 27/01/2014 10:03

the biggest issue here is that your child was still milling around, how irresponsible is that? totally wrong.

MissScatterbrain · 27/01/2014 10:12

Depends on what you want the outcome to be.

If you still want to be the "cool wife" and allow him to continue to use porn then a discussion about boundaries and keeping his porn habit to a more appropriate time and place.

If you want to explore the moral/ethical issues around porn, have a look at the Porn Truths thread on relationships.

MissScatterbrain · 27/01/2014 10:14

And tell him that exposing your child to porn counts as child abuse so no porn on shared devices.

Also that if DD catches him in the act, it will be very traumatic for her

Dahlen · 27/01/2014 10:20

i'm sorry, but this man has no respect for you. Your penultimate post says it all. He knows full well what the problem is, doesn't feel your pain is enough of a concern to bother clearing away after himself (please do NOT dispose of the tissues yourself), and is avoiding talking about the issue with you because he knows you are terrified of where the conversation will go. He is banking on the fact that if he keeps his head down for a few days all this will go away, and he may well be right if you feel that staying in a relationship where you are rejected in favour of porn is preferable to you being on your own.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I am anti-porn because I hate the industry and what it does to women, but I am long enough in the tooth to know that the use of porn and the porn industry are two separate issues (though obviously linked) and that minimal/moderate use can enhance a couple's sex life. There is growing evidence, however, that moderate to heavy use can have profound negative effects not just for the couple's sex life but also for the individual user. Porn addiction is a very real problem. I'd define it along similar lines as alcohol addiction: as the use of something that is causing problems in everyday life, particularly in interpersonal relationships. Neglecting you, potentially exposing your DD to his masturbation, it all more than fits the bill.

I'm sorry this doesn't sound that supportive. I think you need to do a lot of thinking and then make some decisions about what you want. Good luck.

Logg1e · 27/01/2014 10:28

I think the tissues being left there this morning would tip me over the edge. Disrespectful, dirty man.

Original poster

Wifeorfriend · 27/01/2014 10:42

It's his own personal laptop. We have a computer that only dh uses though as we're open about passwords I have access to it should I need it (like when my laptop crashes). Because of the nature of our jobs, we both have a laptop. Dd sometimes uses my laptop (I don't have porn on it) and i sometimes use dh computer (great software on it). I have never had the need to use his laptop.

I just tried to log in to it and his password isn't one of the three or four that we both use. I'm now very concerned about what might be on there and I want to know.

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Jan45 · 27/01/2014 10:43

My partner doesn't use porn to get his rocks off and I can assure you I am not deluded.

I'm sure he's looked at it yes but I'm also sure he prefers the real thing.

Your partner clearly has a bit of a problem getting intimate with you and is using porn to satisfy himself, what about you? You really need to have a long chat about what is going on and how it's affecting you, there's two of you in this relationship.

Logg1e · 27/01/2014 10:51

Neither me nor my partner use porn. It's not a given and you don't have to accept it should you not want to.

Logg1e · 27/01/2014 10:53

Although, it doesn't seem that you have a problem with him using porn. You have a problem with him masturbating when you're daughter's around, lying about his sex drive, a lack of intimacy with you and leaving dirty tissues for you to clean up.

MissScatterbrain · 27/01/2014 10:55

Secret passwords are not good...be prepared for the fact that he is potentially hiding something more sinister than porn. Porn use is often the gateway to infidelity via webcams, escorts and dating sites

Original poster

Wifeorfriend · 27/01/2014 10:57

The thing is I've never had a conversation where I've said that he may not ever look at porn. I feel there's a difference between looking at it and using it.

I know that in the past his friends (single) have sent him crazy videos. He's told me "omg 'so and so' just sent me a video, I innocently open it and wtf??!! He's naaaaasty!" That's what I mean when I say that women who think that men never ever look at porn are deluded. There's always going to be that one mate that sends then vile videos.

I've just laughed and remarked as to how vile 'so and so' is. But thats very different from sitting there wanking over porn when dd might walk in and when he's not having sex with me.

I haven't set any boundaries so I feel a bit as to how he will react when I say that he's crossed them.

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AnyFucker · 27/01/2014 11:22

My husband's friends do not send him porn videos. It's not "normal" to do that unless you are an immature nobjockey.

The spunky tissues would be served to him on a plate for his dinner this evening with a nice side dish of "fuck off"

MissScatterbrain · 27/01/2014 11:26

Surely he knows that there is a boundary with regards to wanking in the presence of his DD

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