Just caught dh

[Wifeorfriend]

Name changed
I've just walked in on dh masturbating and watching porn. It was 7pm and my dd 11 is still up and about.

We barely have sex these days. Sometimes less than on e a month and we've only been married a couple of years. I think I upset him recently, he does this thing sometimes when we have sex where I just feel like he wants it over with, he just wants to reach orgasm and go to sleep. I bothers me. I feel like my presence doesn't really matter, like it could be me or his hand and last time we had sex, he did this and I told him I hated it. He seemed genuinely upset. I know he'd never want to make me feel unwanted.
I am quite a sexual person. Before we met and when we first met I couldn't get enough lol. But when it became clear early on that dh wasn't going to be a 5 times a week kinda guy, I accepted it. He is lovely. He's funny, caring and so physically affectionate in other ways that I didn't need sex all the time. I still don't but I'd like it more often than I get it now.

I have always said that any woman who thinks her dp never looks at porn is deluded. I think they all do just some more than others. As far as master action is concerned, it doesn't bother me either. But this has upset me.

He went to bed a couple of hours ago saying he was tired and felt unwell. Dd took his dinner upstairs for him and I had gone into our bedroom to see if he wanted a hot drink. He quickly covered himself up and shut the laptop.
He's been tired and felt unwell quite a lot recently.
Maybe he doesn't have sex with me because he masturbates all the time?

I just jokingly said "what are you doing?" and he laughed "nothing". But then it hit me and I walked out,

I don't have an issue with porn or masturbating per se but in the daytime, with dd around and when I'm here and would love, absolutely love for him to show any desire for me from one week to the next has broken my heart wwyd

Hope your chat goes well.

Re men and porn I think like you, that a lot of men get their rocks off with it. My DH has a couple of dvd's in a box upstairs and I wouldn't be surprised if he watched them when I wasn't about and I am not bothered by it.

It's the lack of intimacy in your situation that you need to resolve and also get the point across that your DD could have walked in, I am sure it hadn't really crossed his mind.

So if he was wanking when you walked in and stopped and covered himself up, if there were spunky tissues around this morning, he must have finished off after you went back downstairs
My XH used to throw his spunky tissues under the bed for me to find and clean up.
He had zero respect for me.
I don't think your H has much respect for you if he can finish off after being busted by you for wanking to porn when your DD is around and THEN leave his tissues for you to clean up.

She's not but she might aswell be. He's been her Dad for more than half her life and no before anyone asks, I have no fears about his behaviour with dd at all. Of bourse apart from the fact that she could easily have walked in on him yesterday

OP, I never thought for one minute that your home was a sordid place and not fit for your dd

But now you are fitting the jigsaw puzzles together you can see that things are heading in a very unhealthy direction for your marriage. I am sorry you were crying after reading your thread, but I remember coming to some realisations a few years ago after educating myself about how porn ruins relationships and demeans both women and men. It was not a pleasant experience to have to face the fact that I had contributed to such an industry myself by being laissez faire about it or even looking at it myself.

Don't parents have Sunday morning sex? I don't see how it's any different having a wank to having sex (although we have a lock on our bedroom door).

What I would have an issue with is porn affecting our sex life. I would not put up with that and given you've said that's not great I think that's your real problem.

They aren't really having sex though Joy
He is choosing porn and wanking over sex with his wife. Op said in her first post that she would like it more but he doesn't seem to want that.

Most parents having sex would be able to cover themselves at least in part with a sheet if a child stumbled on them and the child probably wouldn't see very much anyway if they didn't because genitalia are attached to bodies which will hide a lot from the child's view. It might lead to some embarrassment and awkward questions but it's unlikely to result in trauma.

I suppose masturbation may be similar if done in bed or with something handily placed for a quick cover up, but there isn't another body to hide behind.

The thing about masturbating to porn is that you can't hide the porn and the body at the same time. It takes twice as long. And the images on screen which a child may inadvertently see may be very explicit.

I don't like porn anyway but I'd judge a person wanking away without a lock much more than someone who did it discreetly behind a locked door and who cleared away the results.

Can you not watch it together? Maybe rekindle your love life.

I didn't know that having sex whilst a child was in the house, was child abuse. How do couples with children have a sex life?

There's always one.

yup

Joy - I am sure you can see that there is a huge difference between catching your parents having sex and a parent wanking off to porn

If the OP didn't realise her husband was wanking to porn until she'd walked out so their 11 year old was hardly going to, he'd have been more likely to have realised his parents were having sex if that's what he walked in on yet parents still have sex without a precautionary lock on the door so that's not the biggest issue.

The issue is that he doesn't want sex with her, is that because of the porn or is the porn there because of their lack of sex life? The 2 explanations have different solutions so it's important to have a full and frank discussion to find out what his issue is, working out if it can be put right, and whether they both want it to be put right.

There's something seriously wrong if people chose masturbation and porn over a warm and willing partner, so why?

So should parent no longer have sex in case they get caught? Plenty do have their children walk in because they don't take simple precautions to prevent it. It's more recognisable to a child that's what's going on so perhaps parents should no longer have sex?

Again, the issue here is not the child walking in, it's the fact that this marriage is struggling.

I agree there are other issues. Also the child walking in is one of these issues - it shows lack of boundaries and the fact that he sees his compulsive need to have wank over porn as being a priority over the welfare of DD who is wandering around the house.

I won't respond to your comment about not having sex again in case they get caught

Joy, If the OP didn't realise her husband was wanking to porn until she'd walked out so their 11 year old was hardly going to

It was 7pm. Their 11 year old daughter had already been in to the room to take him a meal.

I think the problem with attacking grown men about watching porn is that you end up in a situation where they feel you are acting like their Mother and become defensive.

I haven't been in your situation so have no idea how you should go about this chat. From everything you say we sound quite similar in how we view porn. I have seen it and used it myself whilst being single and whilst in a relationship. My partner has watched it whilst with me at my behest, but left to his own devices he doesn't masturbate as he has a low sex drive. So the likelihood of me ever walking in on him banging one out is extremely small.

So how you view porn is IMO pretty normal, please don't let others make you feel like a freak. Some people on here have very strong opinions on pornography and that's fine, those people are more likely to post on threads where porn has been mentioned, particularly if it's impacted on someone's relationship.

All of that aside the crucial point here is you no longer feel like an active participant in you and your husbands sex life. Now the porn has become a problem as it looks as though he is substituting having a physical relationship with you and your intimacy within the relationship is at stake.

With that in mind I would come at the conversation from that angle. Not as though you are telling him off for having a wank, but more that you are seriously concerned about your relationship with regard to intimacy and compatibility in the bedroom. Say that it made you sad to see him getting his rocks off to a virtual woman instead of wanting to have sex with you and obviously the timing of this was even worse knowing that your daughter was walking in and out if that room not long before.

I don't know about demanding to see the contents of his laptop although I totally understand the desire to do so.

I think the problem with attacking grown men about watching porn is that you end up in a situation where they feel you are acting like their Mother and become defensive

Agreed. It shouldn't be a case of the OP telling her husband what to do, but explaining her feelings and what she will do given X, Y or Z.

Wanking to porn for me is a no no for all of the reasons dicussed previously. Wanking in general ok but not as a substitute for good old fashioned couple sex. Wanking with a pre teen awake in the house not good whatsoever. However wanking and leaving crispy tissues laying about is just vile. So many threads here lately about semen deposits. Just disgusting, how the heck long does it take to put a handfull of Kleenex down the loo ?Lazy gits.

Ok 2 hour chat later....

Firstly just to clarify: dd had been up around an hour earlier and because of how our bedroom is laid out she wouldn't have seen the screen as she walked in, especially as it was on the laptop. Doesn't lessen how in appropriate it is but does mean that had dd walked in she wouldn't have been faced with a screenful of porn.

As far as concerns yesterday. Dh says that he became arroused watching a programme on net flicks. It wasn't porn but it had been so long since he was last turned on like that that he just took the opportunity. He says it was a spur of the moment thing and e never dreamt that we'd walk in. Dd tends to climb the stairs like a herd of baby elephants so he was confident she wouldn't disturb him. He didn't think of me. He says he does sometimes watch porn but not often. He doesn't feel arroused often. He doesn't feel close to me.

He tried to put the blame on me initially but quickly stopped. I think he was just panicked that I was going to leave him and was desperately clutching at any straw he could.

We have wider issues which have caused this lack not intimacy. A lack of communication is one but a long period of ill health early in our relationship, that he nursed me through some time ago has apparently really effected him. He thought I was going to die and for a long time didn't want to touch me intimately incase he hurt me. Afterwards I often wasn't open to intimacy. After a while he got used to less sex and by the time I was at full strength again we had fallen completely out of balance.

He has agreed to show me the porn he has watched this evening but assures me it's pretty tame and that I'll probably consider it boring! I told him that if dd had walked in on him, I would have left him. I told him that while we haven't discussed it before I now know that porn is a deal breaker for me. He agreed that he wouldn't watch it anymore.

We talked about everything from money to child are to the dishes. All the things we should have talked about for the last few months!

I think we might eventually look back on this as a new start....or the beginning of the end depending on what happens now.
I'm hopeful though.

This sounds hopeful for you both OP.

I hope you can build a stronger relationship together after this recent crack. It might be the best thing that happened to you.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Being married is hard sometimes and yes, sometimes we can feel like asking ourselves if we are indeed wife or friend. I get it.

Good luck.

It's so good you've talked. Communication really is key.

I hope you can rekindle the intimacy?

That sounds promising. Let's hope this serves as a wake up call for him. See ? How could telling him the truth about how you really feel have made this any worse ?

it can only get better now. And if it doesn't, at least you know it isn't because you haven't communicated.

Well done for having that chat. Hopefully you both will keep communicating. I also think having total transparency is important e.g no secret passwords etc.

Good luck.

I think I was frightened of what his reasons might be. I was frightened to hear that he didn't love me, didn't find me attractive, wanted someone else. I knew I had to hear it but I was frightened. Now I know it makes so much sense. I think when I got better I just thought oh I'm ok now, I didn't consider the effect on him.
I have abandonment issues due to past experience and sometimes struggle to assess whether my feelings/concerns are reasonable or a result of these past experiences. He has lived the last couple of years frightened of speaking up and upsetting me/causing me stress and dealing with te fact that he thought I would die. It's been an eye opener.

I'm really glad that you've spoken and both feel that you could clear the air.

I'm a little worried that the problem of his selfish masturbation the other day is being buried under a perceived problem of your abandonment worries. Suddenly he's not somebody who leaves his used tissues for you to clean up, but somebody who is frightened of upsetting you, frightened of even speaking up.