Just caught dh

[Wifeorfriend]

Name changed
I've just walked in on dh masturbating and watching porn. It was 7pm and my dd 11 is still up and about.

We barely have sex these days. Sometimes less than on e a month and we've only been married a couple of years. I think I upset him recently, he does this thing sometimes when we have sex where I just feel like he wants it over with, he just wants to reach orgasm and go to sleep. I bothers me. I feel like my presence doesn't really matter, like it could be me or his hand and last time we had sex, he did this and I told him I hated it. He seemed genuinely upset. I know he'd never want to make me feel unwanted.
I am quite a sexual person. Before we met and when we first met I couldn't get enough lol. But when it became clear early on that dh wasn't going to be a 5 times a week kinda guy, I accepted it. He is lovely. He's funny, caring and so physically affectionate in other ways that I didn't need sex all the time. I still don't but I'd like it more often than I get it now.

I have always said that any woman who thinks her dp never looks at porn is deluded. I think they all do just some more than others. As far as master action is concerned, it doesn't bother me either. But this has upset me.

He went to bed a couple of hours ago saying he was tired and felt unwell. Dd took his dinner upstairs for him and I had gone into our bedroom to see if he wanted a hot drink. He quickly covered himself up and shut the laptop.
He's been tired and felt unwell quite a lot recently.
Maybe he doesn't have sex with me because he masturbates all the time?

I just jokingly said "what are you doing?" and he laughed "nothing". But then it hit me and I walked out,

I don't have an issue with porn or masturbating per se but in the daytime, with dd around and when I'm here and would love, absolutely love for him to show any desire for me from one week to the next has broken my heart wwyd

I can't imagine anybody should need to have the boundary-placing conversation along the lines of "It crosses my boundary if you were to use porn and wank while our adoescent dd could walk in at any moment"

Anybody that doesn't have that bare minimum as a personal internal boundary has something very wrong with them.

I just don't know how to start this. In every other aspect he's so good. I want to handle this in a way that will result in a better understanding of boundaries, feelings and needs.

I want to tell him off big time for doing this with dd around number one. I want to know exactly whats on his laptop that requires a password. I WANT to serve him his spunky tissues on a plate, but that definitely wouldn't result in us sorting out our problems. I want to know why he doesn't have sex with me if he still has enough of a sex drive to need to get his rocks off in the daytime.

I don't know how to have this conversation. I feel like one wrong word and his embarrassment or my hurt could clash to create a fight that we cant come back from.

Would that be your fault ?

Why should youn walk on eggshells about this subject ? He has a problem with porn and it is impacting your family life. What more would need to happen before you feel you have a right to speak up ? Your dd catches him at it next time ?

No I mean I have the right to speak up and we will talk about this by the end of today. But it doesn't matter who's fault it is if it ends up with us splitting up. I won't feel better thinking 'ah well it wasn't my fault'. If we can sort this out then I want to, I just don't know how to go about it.

You know your husband best, but if you set off with the idea that "one wrong word from you" will signal the end of your relationship then I could say you have massive communication difficulties in your relationship contributing to the sorry state it appears to be in right now

so, whatever you have been doing so far isn't working and taking a different tack is unlikely to make it any worse

I think you have far bigger issues if you really think that one wrong word will end the marriage

Why does his embarrassment have to be an issue? Why are you walking around on eggshells? Is he usually that difficult to talk to?

Remember that none of this is your fault, that he chose to do these things and that you did not make him do these.

Be prepared for the fact that he may blame you for his sordid habits.

I have always said that any woman who thinks her dp never looks at porn is deluded. I think they all do just some more than others

I can't help much with your problem, but I really object to this comment. It's like saying all women nag (bad example I know, but can't think of a better one). For what it's worth I've been married for a very long time and am 99% certain that my husband does not look at porn. He probably did look at a few lads mags as a teenager, but he is fundamentally opposed to the porn industry.

Please don't tar all men with the same brush as your DH.

Convincing yourself all men are the same when it comes to use of the sex industry is an understandable way to attempt to make yourself feel better. It's a false premise though, and when there is escalation of the problem it will come back to bite you on the arse.

More "cool wife" stuff that is actually allowing yourself to be set up for disappointment and hurt later down the line.

fireside sorry if I've offended you. I've mis worded that really. I mean men see porn. Not necessarily that all men actively seek it out but I do think that there will be a friend in any circle that looks at porn. For example we visited a friend last week. Single professional with a bachelor pad. I switched on the tv and babe station was on! I turned it over quickly to save a big display if everyone saw. (No children around)

If my dh had seen it he'd have laughed his head off and wouldn't have discreetly turned it over. He'd have made a joke of it as would any one of the other men there. That's what I mean by all men look at porn but I suppose I mean all men see porn. If I hadn't been there it would have become a joke for a while and all the while the channel would have been on.

So sorry if I've offended anyone by that statement. I've misrepresented myself a little bit.

OP, I mean men see porn. Not necessarily that all men actively seek it out but I do think that there will be a friend in any circle that looks at porn.

When they are 15 years old, perhaps. None of my partner's friends forward him videos of vile things being done another human being for us both to laugh over and say, "that's nasty".

I really feel sorry for you, that your life is so sexualised in this manner, that children are around it and it's a laughing matter.

FFS.

Again I think I'm misrepresenting myself and our family life. I was shocked, absolutely shocked to discover what I discovered. Our sex life is dead right now but porn and daytime masturbating?
Our life isn't sexualised. We have a couple of friends who tbh we would also describe as being like 15 year olds, they do share weird videos ;not always porn) but it certainly isn't every day that dh would say that someone has sent him something like that and certainly dd isn't around.

We're really quite strict about people's language and behaviour around our dd which is all the more reason why I was utterly shocked and upset about yesterday's incident.

OP, ^Our life isn't sexualised. We have a couple of friends who tbh we would also describe as being like 15 year olds, they do share weird videos ;not always porn) but it certainly isn't every day that dh would say that someone has sent him something like that and certainly dd isn't around.
We're really quite strict about people's language and behaviour around our dd which is all the more reason why I was utterly shocked and upset about yesterday's incident.^

If my dh had seen it he'd have laughed his head off and wouldn't have discreetly turned it over. He'd have made a joke of it as would any one of the other men there... If I hadn't been there it would have become a joke for a while and all the while the channel would have been on.

Which one is it?

My dd wasn't there. I did say that. She wasn't there. If dd had been there and my dh had seen that channel he would've switched it off and hoped to god she didn't see it. I'm also sure that if we were bringing dd round to this house then the man who owned it would've been careful to make sure the channel wasn't right there.

Honestly we aren't some weird couple who lead an overly sexualised lifestyle. We haven't had sex for weeks and haven't talked about it. Amongst friends it isn't a topic that comes up often and my dd isn't exposed to sexual conversations, images.
This whole thread is related to me discovering my dh yesterday. So of course it's about sex but that doesn't mean it's all that I/we think about/talk about. Dh lives miles away from an old group of friends who are all single and quite childish. They are the friends I refer to. They aren't even weird overly sexualised people either. But I do think they regularly watch porn.
It isn't something that I've thought about much until now.

Have you had any more thoughts of how to raise with this with him, love ?

I'm still a bit bemused at the concept that all men see porn without actively seeking it out. I've managed to live my whole life without seeing porn and I don't see why a man would be any different. You either seek it out or you don't. If you don't like porn then you don't have to see it. Nobody forces it on you.

I'm also fairly confident that my husband's friends don't go around swapping and sending each other porn to have a giggle at. Maybe at 14 years of age, not now.

Anyway this is largely irrelevant to your situation. If you don't like your husband using porn then you are perfectly within your rights to say so. I suppose he is equally within his rights to ignore you. What you do then is up to you. As for the watching porn while a young child is in the house, I don't think anyone would think that was an ok thing to do.

OP, In every other aspect he's so good. I want to handle this in a way that will result in a better understanding of boundaries, feelings and needs.

So, going back a bit. I think you need to be clear in your own head where you draw the line and your feelings are with respects to 3 issues. Him watching porn; him masturbating; and, your shared sex life.

This thread is making me question everything that I've ever thought about porn. Everything I ever thought was normal. I was a tomboy growing up. I witnessed loads of porn hanging out with teenage boys (I didn't sit and watch it mind). My step dad paid for adult channels. I remember spotting them when I was surfing the tv one day. He was a horrid man and this just disgusted me. We don't have anything like that at our house.
I suppose I do try and be the cool wife. I'm sat here crying now wondering what is wrong with me. Honestly our household isn't some sick place where exploitation is ok. I've just never really thought about it and we've never talked about it. Apart from this juvenile group (who also send videos of cats doing gangnam style and the 50greatest goals ever) and their known use of porn, it isn't something that I thought was in my life. I didn't have a problem with it as I didn't think it effected me.
I thought our dwindling sex life was our only problem and I wasn't sure what was causing it. I didn't think dh cared about dd so little that he'd be playing with himself when she could walk in or that he'd replaced our sexlife with his hand and a sordid video.
If I've upset anyone with my comments about men watching porn, I'm sorry. It isn't something that I ever thought was weird, just not something that I wanted dh doing.
He's leaving work early so that we can talk while dd is at her club. I've written down what I want to say incase I get upset and can't say it. I fear that there may be a wider issue of incompatibility and I'm frightened of what all this will mean for us.

Depending on his reaction/reasons, I think we might split up.

I think men and women are still socialised very differently growing up, especially during teen years, so I don't have a problem with the statement that more men than women have seen porn; I think they probably have. I think that's changing as more and more women are being persuaded that it's cool to embrace porn (or to at least allow their partners to).

There is a (media-driven) popular consensus that men under a certain age are all interested in women's bodies, football and shoot-em-up computer games. It's aggressively marketed at them in the same way as clothes, makeup and celebrity bodies are at women. I find it depressing that men are sold the myth that it's about their pleasure, while women are sold the myth that they have to be perfect to provide others with that pleasure.

The fact that a great deal of men and women don't fall into these stereotypes doesn't prevent the all-pervasiveness of these things in the digital age.The idea that sex sells is an ancient one. New technology and rampant capitalism has simply run with it and it's reaching its logical conclusion. It's no surprise that porn is largely mainstream and so easily available when you've only got to turn on daytime music channels to watch something that would have been considered X-rated just 10 years previously.

None of that is the same as making a proactive choice to view something. I think lots of men avoid porn because they find it distasteful, and that's even before I include those who have decided not to watch it because of ethical reasons. I know quite a few men in both categories.

And despite the pervasive nature of this, I don't think men are constantly bombarded with porn either.

I don't seek out porn online, via DVDs, or in magazines. Neither do I watch music channels or buy celebrity/women's magazines because these things hold no interest for me). Funnily enough, I never get any porn-related or celebrity related) pop-ups on my laptop because my browsing history does not include viewing any sites in which these things are featured. It's easy to avoid porn if you've made a proactive decision to avoid it.

My BF, male relatives and several male friends report similarly and will make coherent arguments that you might expect only to find on anti-porn thread - this is without any input from me. I also know men who are open about porn use, of course, but those who reject it are not a tiny minority at all.

(((WifeOrFriend))) I don't think that you or your husband are sick.

I do believe that our society and women in particular are over sexualised and desensitised when it comes to porn and objectifying women. There is a lot of pressure on girls and women to accept the pornification of women and to be cool with it.
Sex should be fun, exciting and healthy. Porn makes sex soulless and all about what the man can do to the woman. It becomes about sticking as many thinks as you can in to as many places as possible. No wonder your husband is becoming disassociated from a healthy sex life with you, a real woman with real wants.

OP, you really need to get this notion out your head that all men or most men watch/see porn, they DON'T, esp if they have a healthy sex life.

I hope your talk goes well.

I've been in a sexless marriage but it went on for years.

Have you told him to open his laptop in front of you so you can look at it?

He's not home yet. I hid it today so that he couldn't wipe it if he ended up coming back before me. I want to know exactly what he's been watching. There are certain things that would of course be deal breakers for me.

Transparency is important I think. I know that privacy is too, but there are some forms of porn which would be a deal-breaker for me.

Yes I'd have done the same.

So your dd is to both of you?