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Original poster

When things go WAY too far at a party?

37 replies

whogivesadamn · 26/01/2014 11:14

Several of my friends have had full sex forced upon them at some time or other but, quite recently, it happened to me at a party.

It wasn't violent or brutal but he was just a lot stronger than me and he wanted his way and I couldn't stop him, even though I kept telling him I didn't want him to do it.

He's a popular guy and I suppose you could say he's a nice guy apart from what he did. I honestly believe he doesn't think he did anything wrong cos afterwards he was as nice to me as if I'd done it willingly.

I've told my best friends what happened but, even though my head is totally messed up, I daren't tell anyone in authority cos all Hell will break loose and I don't want the trouble and the shame for me or my family or my life in general.

Am I being unreasonable in keeping silent?

OP posts:
AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 26/01/2014 11:21

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tiredlady · 26/01/2014 11:29

OP
You have been raped.
Please get some help.
He is not a nice guy. He is a rapist.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 26/01/2014 11:32

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puntasticusername · 26/01/2014 11:41

There's no shame on your part. Your rapist is the one who should be ashamed. He raped you.

Sincere sympathy and good wishes. Please report the bastard if you feel you can, because of what he did to you and because he might do it to someone else.

MrsCosmopilite · 26/01/2014 11:45

I kept telling him I didn't want him to do it.

OP, this is the important fact. It doesn't matter that he has the appearance of a 'nice guy'. If he was a 'nice guy' he would have stopped.

Please do seek help, and please reconsider reporting him. The nice guy act may be the standard for him - he may have already done this to other women, and acts 'nice' to avoid being reported. Please make sure you are good to yourself, there is nothing that you could have done, but you need to take time to heal, physically and emotionally.

ProfondoRosso · 26/01/2014 11:46

He is not a nice guy OP. He's a rapist. Plain and simple. I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you. Please report him. Ask your friends to support you in doing so, so it isn't so frightening. You might feel fear, stress after reporting him but you should feel NO SHAME.

I know it's scary, but it's the right thing to do, because he could do this again.

RobinSparkles · 26/01/2014 11:54

Yes YABU to keep silent. He is not a nice guy, he is a rapist and keeping silent means he is free to do it again and again.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, OP.

fifi669 · 26/01/2014 11:55

You made yourself clear. He ignored you. Report him.

matildamatilda · 26/01/2014 12:10

Dear OP, you're in shock because you've been raped. It took a lot of courage to put it forward here, the first step in admitting to yourself what happened.

Please call the police. You're not alone. There is loads of help out there. Just take a little first step.

gordyslovesheep · 26/01/2014 12:13

Oh OP - you where raped x You have no need to feel ashamed - please get some help and support - Rape Crisis are really good. You don't have to report it if you don't want to but please do talk to someone x

SnakeyMcBadass · 26/01/2014 12:15

I'm so sorry, OP. This rapist is the one who should carry the shame, not you. The shame and disgrace are all his. I won't tell you what to do, but the only way he can be held accountable for his crime is if you report him. Take a few deep breaths and think about what you want to do next. Please do contact rape crisis or someone who can help you process what has happened. You need some support now.

MarshaBrady · 26/01/2014 12:17

Please don't feel ashamed. It was rape and a serious crime and must be reported. You must be in shock, try and lean on help lines, here and friends to report it.

NaffOrf · 26/01/2014 12:17

Several of my friends have had full sex forced upon them at some time or other

Several of your friends have been raped. As have you. Please report this incident, OP. You have been the victim of a very serious crime.

PacificDogwood · 26/01/2014 12:20

Oh you poor thing.

He was not a frightening stranger in a dark alley, but what he did was still rape SadAngry.
You said no, he did not stop.
That's all it takes to make it assault.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this; be very kind to yourself and seek further support and advice. RapeCrisis are great.
There is no 'IABU' in this - he was very very unreasonable and likely will have done similar before and will do it again. Because he 'can'. And because he is 'popular' - entitled git. He is the rapist, what happened had nothing to do with you or with what you did or did not do.

I hope you have some RL support.

PollyIndia · 26/01/2014 12:21

Poor you, you must feel like your head is all over the place. Yes that is rape, but I understand how conflicted you feel when it's someone you know. When I was 17 and staying at my friend's house, her brother was waiting outside the bathroom door when I went to the loo and kissed me, and I felt flattered, then he had sex with me despite me saying no.
I didn't tell anyone, then it came out and my friend was really pissed off I had sex with her brother. I said I didn't want to and she said was it rape then, but I was scared of that word and scared of what would happen so said it wasn't.
It is a horrible horrible feeling. I probably never dealt with it. I can't advise you want to do in terms of reporting it, but I just wanted to give you a big virtual hug and say I understand. I would try and talk to someone. I never did and I think it has definitely coloured my relationships since in hindsight.

EEatingSoupForLunch · 26/01/2014 12:23

So sorry OP, Rape Crisis are great and will help you manage the emotions as well as practical support. If he didn't use a condom you need to consider pregnancy and STI prevention asap.

He is a rapist, he is as far from being a nice guy as it gets, though he may look like that to others. I hope you get some RL support, keep talking here as long as it helps. Thanks

Caitlin17 · 26/01/2014 12:32

You have been raped. Speak to Rape Crisis.

MrsMook · 26/01/2014 12:43

You didn't want him to, he used his strength to ignore that. It is rape. Report it, he may have history and may do it again.

I was sexually assaulted at a party. I woke up to find a person I knew casually with his hand in my knickers playing with me. I kicked him in the face. Hard. I didn't report it. I was young and confused and worried that I'd sent out the wrong signals the night before with my behaviour with someone I did know and like (we went on to form a relationship while sober). My drunken behaviour with friend A was not consent or an invitation for assault by aquaintence B, and he was 100% in the wrong, but it's hard to see that clearly when it's fresh. Too much time has gone by to feel the need to report it in its own right, but I would come out of the woodwork to support someone else if I heard of a case against him. There may be people out there who can support you too, in addition to support services.

flatbellyfella · 26/01/2014 12:50

You were raped by this animal, he must now face up to his crime. If he did it to you, there will be others too,if not yet, in the near future.

Back2Two · 26/01/2014 12:54

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This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 26/01/2014 12:57

I know this will be hard but this man needs to be stopped. Speak to rape crisis then go to the police.

PacificDogwood · 26/01/2014 13:41

Are you still there, whogivesadamn?

Hope you are ok Thanks
This must be heard to read.

RestingActress · 26/01/2014 13:46

I am so sorry that you experienced this. It was rape, he is not a nice guy. I realise that it will be difficult but you and your friends should report your rapists.

ImperialBlether · 26/01/2014 13:56

I honestly believe he doesn't think he did anything wrong cos afterwards he was as nice to me as if I'd done it willingly.

There are many reasons for that, OP. He knew you didn't want to have sex with him. He wasn't deaf and he wasn't stupid. He knew you didn't want it. By being nice to you the next day he was gaslighting you into believing that it was consensual sex.

I really do think you should report it and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if, once word gets round, other women tell you he's done exactly the same thing to them.

What a bastard to do that to you.

LouiseSmith · 26/01/2014 13:58

I'm sorry this happened to you OP, but it's rape. He isn't a nice guy, he is a rapist.

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