Man's Mid Life Crisis From the OW's Side

[Joy5]

Two years and a bit on from the end of my marriage, i'm starting to wonder what its been like for the OW.

Is it really that much fun to be with a man who's destroyed his family, and his children's happiness? Have all the problems been worth the new relationship?

Will the new relationship even survive long term?

Would just be interested to hear the other side's point of view.

Probably not much fun, she knows what she has to look forward to!

I'd love to know the answer to this too!

As the saying goes 'you can't create true happiness as a result of someone elses misery'

I can't imagine that either your exh or the ow are at peace with themselves or their relationship

You'd never feel secure would you? Not properly.

Surely it must be a bit like stealing a lolly pop instead of saving all your pocket money for it?? You eat it and kind if enjoy it but not quite as much as you would have if you'd just gone into the shop and bought it.

Oh they'll have totally rationalised it all, so that in their version or interpretation, they don't have to feel guilt, they will in their own version of events have no reason to feel guilt!

it's kind of an interesting psychological phenomenon that I've only become aware of from reading mn, but I think that quite often, the OW seems to hate the wife!

So, I think they could be happy.

Well I don't know.

Does ex h's DP find him fun? I guess she must do, yes. She loves him.
I don't know if they've had problems as such as I have no clue into their lives at all. It might irk her somewhat that he pays maintenance for his child, which I guess has some impact upon his ability to contribute to their family - but who knows? Tbh he they had it planned well in advance so they probably talked it all through in one of their endless love fest things.

As for whether the relationship will last - she must believe it will (assuming she wants it to) because she believes in him.

I'm guessing that's what her response might be. But it's all academic - for some it's relationship hell, and for other's it works out in the end.

I'm with Flechas.

I think it takes a special kind of person to be an OW.

I have a friend who once told me about a very brief dalliance she had with a married man. For the first couple of weeks she gave the wife little or no thought, but then once she started to think about the lies he was telling her, "I'm working late", "I've gone to the gym on the way home" etc she started to feel less comfortable with it.

I know that to begin with he just said they were in a loveless marriage and it had been that way for while. She accepted that, but once he started making unpleasant comments about his wife and how 'boring' she was, she found herself sympathising with his wife and distancing herself from him.

All in all, they had a whirlwind affair lasting the grand total of a month but which was very passionate and full of romance. She ended it, not because she no longer found him attractive, because I know that wasn't the case, but because she couldn't bear the thought of his wife finding out and being hurt, or herself being the sort of woman who could behave like that and cause that hurt.

She isn't proud of what she did, but she is just a woman who met a man and fell for him and seems a very different breed to the woman who doesn't give the family a second thought and carries on regardless. I think they largely don't give a shit!

I know it's not the same, but when my ex boyfriend left me for someone else who had been pursuing him for a while I know she completely rationalised it in that I wasn't making him happy, I didn't deserve him, and I don't think she cared at all about my feelings. In her mind my feelings didn't matter because she didn't consider me worthy of him.

They were together for 2 years, got "engaged", and then he did the same thing to her.

I don't think there's a definitive answer though - I can imagine there are some where, as unfair as it is, karma doesn't get them and they do live happily ever after.

Lots of people do go on to have happy and successful relationships that begun as an affair. But probably most will flounder.

A month isn't brief, FolkGirl. How strange that she could bear to be that woman for a whole month, and then decide not.

In my limited experience the OW has regarded the wife as a non-person, and an inconvenience, and felt completely ok with the situation. My (ex) friend used to complain to me that her MM's wife telephoned her a few times to talk about her DH. It irritated her. She had no empathy. She eventually dumped MM because his dd (aged 7) took up to much of his time, and that irritated her too.

I think it takes a special kind of person to be an OW

Yes I'd agree with that and I've often wondered just what qualities they'd have. I don't know much about ex's DP, but I know she had a very wealthy family, is educated to masters level, a feminist, independent and travelled, has children, is friends with all ex partners, on the far left politically…..was angry with ex when she discovered that our marriage wasn't over and and I was unaware that he thought it was….but that didn't stop her from staying with him. I guess she must have issued the ultimatum maybe. So I'd say she's determined.

So maybe, cold determination is one quality. Interesting topic.

I'd imagine that embarking on a relationship that began as an affair with someone you know is capable of such deceit towards their partner is pretty soul-destroying, long term.

library I would consider a month to be very brief. Its a few dates at most!

And to be fair to the friend concerned, she realised very quickly that he wasnt a man trapped in a loveless marriage, the line she fell for, but a bastard who was happily using her to cheat on his wife. When she realised that, she dumped him. She learned her lesson, she could have stuck around but she didnt, she woke up to the truth. I wish more potential OW would do that, it would save them and the wives a lot of heartache in the long run.

Worse I used to know someone like that years ago. She was a colleague, and as much as I hate this phrase, she really did set her cap at another of our colleagues, who was married. After months of chasing and further months of cheating, she "won". She then got pg almost straight away (looking at the dates at the time, I was convinced that she was actually already PG and thats why he left his wife, the "premature" baby was over 8lbs ), she admitted this was in order to keep him as she knew he might go back to his wife and son. Then she set about getting him to stop contact and maintenance for his son, he didnt but she did everything in her power to try. She loathed the son, calling him "the bitches bastard" (the bitch being his wife). Another child later, she was utterly bemused, shocked and heartbroken when he cheated on her, left her and then ultimately did get back with his wife. Why the fuck the wife had him back I will never know!

You think, home?

I don't know, I really don't.

The OW with my ex is incredibly insecure - she spends a lot of her time doing her utmost to discredit me and justify her own existence. He does keep dumping her and then trotting back apparently. Is v boring. I feel sorry for her tbh.

I guess it depends on what drove him to have the affair in the first place

Aka - the one OW I know has that 'cold determination' too - she has other more positive qualities, but she's definitely that (lacking in empathy, even though she believes herself to be 'the most empathetic person she knows' ;)

I think a month is brief in the context of an affair. It would take that long, given snatched time spent together, to work through all the bullshit the man might be feeding - we're not together, I only stay for the children, we don't have sex etc etc. Because occasionally those things might be true, or half-true, a man really might be unhappy in a marriage and be in the process of leaving, and a functional relationship might result. And every OW wants to be that exception I guess.

Once the OW realises that isn't going to happen, she can either wise up and beat a retreat or embark on some serious self-deluding.

I'd imagine that embarking on a relationship that began as an affair with someone you know is capable of such deceit towards their partner is pretty soul-destroying, long term.

I would agree with this.

Imagine being the OW and the glee at the fact that the DW fell for "I've got a sales conference" and you getting a whole weekend with the man you are head over heels for. The excitement when he calls to say he is coming over for the evening because his wife thinks he is working late. And so on.

Then, a year later, he finally leaves her and you are the official DP. Suddenly "I have got a sales conference" leaves you with that feeling of dread in your stomach. "I am working late" has you in a sweat and a panic, digging out mobile phone bills and making up excuses to ring him to see if you can hear anything in the background.

You know he could do it to you, because he did it to her to be with you.

Not a life I would want.

Bogey....read that with my jaw dropping more and more....what a nasty woman and what a twat of a mAn...awful story.

I guess it depends on what drove him to have the affair in the first place

If this is meant to be a "happy men dont cheat" type comment, then I think I should leave the thread now before my head explodes.

Bogey shame those two didn't stay together, sounds like they deserved each other!

mamma It was determination, definitely. She saw what she wanted and didnt stop until she got it. What I cannot get my head around is the wife having him back, several years later. She must be batty! I dont know what happened since, I left to have DD, OW moved away and MM changed jobs. Never did find out.

Although I did hear about the Sales managers wife driving to where we worked and dumping 10 bin bags of his belongings in the reception along with a group email that she was chucking him out as he had been cheating with the telesales manager for several months. I was on ML and missed that one....dammit!

Yes I agree with those ideas too Bogey (don't leave the thread).

But these are the potential consequences for OW - I guess I'm taken with the characteristics of the kind of woman who becomes an OW. I've never thought of it before, never given the OW who I was left for much thought.