Why do I feel like this?

[CrestaRun]

It"s my 50th on Monday & DH has already spent a massive amount on me, which is lovely and I'm extremely grateful to him.
Today he tells me he'd planned a surprise for my birthday but it can't happen now without my input, so he's had to tell me, hence spoiling the surprise (this doesn't bother me, he's the one wishing it was still a surprise btw).

However, I'm really really 'meh' about the surprise, even though it is something I've wanted for a while! Why? Why? Why?!

I can't decide if it's because the 'surprise' element has gone, although I'm not a 'surprise' type of person, or if it means I just wasn't THAT bothered about the item, or if it feels like he's trying to 'buy' my love/affection because our marriage isn't always that great.

I feel completely 'flat' about the gesture, even though I think it probably is meant with love.

I would go with your last suggestion. Expensive gifts are nice enough but easy to arrange with the flash of a credit card. A 'surprise' that requires your input kind of loses the point. Sounds like he's trying a bit too hard and you're past caring....

You could be onto something there CES, although I know he hasn't deliberately spoilt the surprise, it was jewellery and couldn't be obtained in yellow gold, my preferred choice. As it is expensive, I can see why he didn't just go ahead & order & felt he needed confirmation from me.

He does try too hard, although he also chooses fab inexpensive stuff too, so not completely about him throwing lots of money at me iyswim...

My old flatmate used to have a persistent admirer. He bought her lovely gifts, sent flowers, made thoughtful gestures, lunches in smart restaurants ... but her reaction hovered between indifference and annoyance because, even though she liked him, she knew that friendship was all she was ever going to offer.

Perhaps your 'not always great' marriage is in worse shape than you think?

Yes, he's always been King of the Grand Gestures and I've often said I'd prefer more help round the house!!

God I sound ungrateful! I'm not honestly.

I hate grand gestures and prefer someone to treat me with kindness and respect on a daily basis

I expect everyone would prefer that AF.

Are you feeling happy and excited about becoming 50?
Because if not, this could be influencing your feelings about everything else.

The thing is that at 50, the best thing would be to be spending the day with a man you love and respect and are so, so glad to be with.

It doesn't really matter what jewellery you're wearing if you're realising you do love and respect him, but you're not really glad to be with him.

I'm fine about turning 50 LadyMud & wildly excited about my birthday treat from him which is a weekend away in a lovely hotel

It's just that this extra (unecessary imo) present that I've coveted for ages is now making me feel distinctly underwhelmed.!!

I was the same at Xmas - he bought me a tablet that I'd had my eye on - I haven't used it yet
It's like I get some perverse pleasure out of wanting things yet when he buys them, I don't want them.

That sounds like you're punishing him for something, OP. He knows you're not using it and knows you wanted it. It must be hurtful for him that you treat his gifts like that. Does he hurt you in some way which means you want him to hurt?

I think I am too IB.

He'd be quite controlling if I was not as strong a character as I am and didn't stand my ground as I do. So I suppose that's me exerting a bit of my own control by not using the gifts he buys isn't it?

Oh for God's sake OP. Get a grip and pull yourself together. Your OP is one of the most irritating I have come across for a while.

Op, I'll tell you what

Donate your jewelry gifts to women's aid charities and stop playing fucking stupid games with your husband

Have you considered a hobby ?

Yeah, reading my op I can see how it might seem like that quietly. I don't mean I'm grateful in a pathetic way, more that I'm appreciative of his efforts. I was expecting someone to come on & gave a go at me for being a miserable ungrateful cow after all he"s spent etc.

I do definitely consider I'm worth it!

Really AwfulMaureen? And why is that exactly?

I have lots of hobbies AF and although it is probably 'game playing', that's the way this relationship rolls. Obviously.

Well, my marriage was awful but the ex used to make an enormous fuss over my birthday and Valentine's Day. I just hated it ... it made me want to scream at him.

If your marriage is unsatisfactory, then gestures such as these are at best irritating and at worst hurtful.

It sounds like shit,, sorry

Oh and btw, I actually do donate my birthday/Xmas money from MIL to WA. Have done for approx 10 yrs actually.

I just think that you're being incredibly self indulgent OP...your husband buys you a lovely gift and spends loads of money on you and you're all a bit meh...it's kind of "My diamond shoes are too tight" and that's just irritating.

Try looking outside your own rather spoiled behaviour and at some people with real issues...maybe direct your energy elsewhere.

Wow, why do you keep setting him up to fail? He's trying to do things to please you, things he knows you want, yet that's not good enough for you.

If you can't even figure out what you want, how's he supposed to?

Unless he's very thick skin he must be wondering what the hell he has to do?

Advice got older, my DH knows I've changed and I'm more interested in experiences and making memories, not bothered about materialistic things. Maybe you're going the same way as me but don't realise it yet?

I agree compared to some my 'worries' are trivial AM, but this is the Relationship forum - for ALL who need to discuss things; not just issues that you consider worthy.

The other thing I wonder, would you have the financial clout to such money on gifts for him? Are these extravagant gifts just highlighting a financial imbalance in your marriage?

Am I setting him up to fail joysmum? I don't ask or demand these things. If I'm asked what I'd like, I usually ask for money.

Yes, I could afford to spend the same jm, but I don't tend to go overboard on presents, I'm a bit more low key.