Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He leaves for our week trial separation tomorrow

69 replies

mashedpotatohead · 24/01/2014 13:01

I am heart broken.

My DH thinks we are now no more than friends. He no longer knows what he wants.

This all came out 2wks ago & I have been feeling wretched ever since. I cant stop crying. I feel so sad for our two DS 4 & 7.

DH has been snappy, intolerant & moody for 2mths. Anything I do or say is met with utter disinterest. He only ever talks to me about his stressful job.

He is obsessed with Insanity (crazy exercise programme). He has also stated he finds my weight issues frustrating (size 14!) I suspect a mid life crisis more than an affair. I have snooped & found nothing.

Any thoughts are welcome. Just feeling very meh & thought Id reach out to the lovely MN community!

OP posts:
JingleMyBells · 24/01/2014 13:13

Where is he going? Will you have contact? Sorry you feel so bad.

Leavenheath · 24/01/2014 13:16

Tell us about what you've snooped for and how you went about it. If it didn't include a hunt for a device you're unaware of or phone bills then it's very possible he's keeping all known devices clean and deleting like mad.

Why a week's separation? It's unlikely anything's going to change dramatically after 7 days.

Tell us more about what's been happening in recent months. What changes have you noticed? What coincided with his change in mood and behaviour? New job role/ new colleague/new hobby?

I'm very sorry to say but I think your DH does know what he wants (or rather he thinks he does) but he won't risk honesty in case his new life goes belly-up.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/01/2014 13:21

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It sounds a lot like an affair, even if you don't have any concrete proof. 'No longer know what I want'... is a pretty classic opener when what they really mean is 'not sure if I want you or the other woman' or 'I don't want you any more but I'm letting you think I'm still in two minds'.

Suggest you take advantage of the week to get some emotional support from a trusted friend. Have you told anyone what's happened yet? Also suggest that you bite the bullet and get some good legal advice. Many solicitors offer a free initial consultation. It can feel like an horrifically 'final' thing to do, walking into a lawyer's office, but it's important to know the score and regain even a small feeling of control. Nothing worse than being forced into the role of passive recipient, unable to determine the course of your own life. He cannot be the one making all the decisions.

How come it's just a week btw?

Original poster
mashedpotatohead · 24/01/2014 13:30

Jingle - He's staying with family. I will have contact if I want to. I asked him to go. I want a decision in a week one way or the other. I'm just sad its come to this.

Leaven - I've checked Facebook & his phone but agree he could be deleting any evidence.

The week separation is my idea as I cant live in this wretched state. I want a decision from him.

He turned 40 last year & I have watched this steady decline into insecurity. Body image, changed his hair, showering more etc I know these are all red flags pointing to an affair. Trust me I am a suspicious person but my gut instinct tells me otherwise.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/01/2014 13:39

I think it's a mistake to leave this decision to him. Good move getting him out of your eye-line but now you're waiting on him to give you the thumbs up or thumbs down like you're the loser in a gladiatorial contest. That's a really nasty place to be.

Because, if he picks you and comes back and pretends all is well again, are you actually going to relax? Or are you going to be on eggshells waiting for the next episode?

Original poster
mashedpotatohead · 24/01/2014 13:51

Cogito - Are you saying I should leave him?

Maybe naively I am hoping that he may feel this week apart is a shock to the system.

Would I be shouting at the screen right now if this was someone else's post?????

Confused

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 24/01/2014 13:56

It's really good that you are the one that's asked him to leave. Concentrate on getting through today and tomorrow. Plan something nice for tomorrow that will take you all out of the house while he moves out and line up a nice evening for tomorrow night. (I hope there's no chance he won't go through with it on the day?)

Then once he's out, I would make it 100% clear that you and only you will decide if he is to come back, whether that be in 7 days, 3 months or never.

Then occupy yourself with practical stuff - gathering paperwork, getting legal advice, working out the figures so you know what you are entitled to if the split is final etc etc.

Good luck. Thanks

Twinklestein · 24/01/2014 14:02

I don't think you should be waiting for a decision from him OP, I think you should be you need to protect yourself and your kids, be proactive and call his bluff. I think you should tell him he's not coming home.

Nothing will focus his mind better than actively thinking he cannot go back. Thinking he can waltz home when he fancies is not going to face him with the reality of his choice.

Leavenheath · 24/01/2014 14:02

I agree with Cog.

Take the decision away from him and make your own.

Otherwise you run the risk of him coming back because he's got nowhere permanent to go right now, him remaining ambivalent and you desperately trying to get him to fall in love with you again.

What was he saying about your relationship on the build-up to this bombshell?

What changes have you noticed in your personal relationship- and when?

Twinklestein · 24/01/2014 14:04

I think a week apart will only be a 'shock' if he thinks it's over. Otherwise it's just a self indulgent holiday.

houmousandcarrotsandwich · 24/01/2014 14:08

If he has iphone/ipad you can spot light search for "trigger words" (shag, kiss, love etc), even messages that have been deleted will show up (although only the first line and no date, but will say who with).

Have you access to bank statements, phone bills, emails (Google keystroke programes you can download for free to find out passwords if necessary)and car?

I know how to snoop!

ScarletButterfly · 24/01/2014 14:10

If you're genuinely wanting to shock him, and want an answer from him but with the added oomph that he knows you can and will make a decision as well, maybe it would be worth telling him before he leaves that you plan to seek legal advice regarding the situation and any potential fall out, at least that way he appreciates it is very serious rather than you just giving him a holiday away from it all.

educationforlife · 24/01/2014 14:17

Sorry, but I have to disagree strongly with Scarlet.
Whatever you do, do not tell him anything at all that might warn him and start him preparing to do you and the children serious financial damage.

JeanSeberg · 24/01/2014 14:18

Couldn't agree more education. For now, just focus on him sticking to his plan to leave and then make your plans after that.

The worst outcome here would be that he refuses to go tomorrow.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/01/2014 14:25

I'm not saying leave him. I'm saying you need to decide what you want rather than defer to him.

Jan45 · 24/01/2014 14:26

Surely if it's an affair then he would cover his tracks so just cos you aint found nothing doesn't mean nothing is going on.

Cannot believe he said he had issues with you being a size 14, that in itself would be enough to ask him to leave!

juneau · 24/01/2014 14:27

What twinkle said. My DH would probably love a week away from the chaos of home.

Original poster
mashedpotatohead · 24/01/2014 14:30

Jean - Thank you. That sounds like a plan. Perhaps I do need to take control & make it my decision.

I think with a bit of space next week, I will build momentum. To be honest, I just feel utterly downtrodden right now.

I haven't a clue about our finances, so it'll be a good opportunity to sit down and work it all out.

OP posts:
NaffOrf · 24/01/2014 14:32

OP, I think you have to accept that the changes you describe in your DH are strongly indicative of an affair. They could not actually be any stronger.

Tell him you'll let him know when/if he can come back. He doesn't get to dick you around like this.

JeanSeberg · 24/01/2014 14:32

You say you feel downtrodden but to an outsider reading your posts, you sound very strong! You've done the hard part by 'arranging' the trial separation.

Take it one day at a time now.

Your plan to sit down and work finances out sounds like a good one.

Keep posting on here and we can help you work through everything in stages.

NorbertDentressangle · 24/01/2014 14:36

The trouble is with him going away for a weeks separation is that he gets a responsibility free week ( no children to look after, no cooking/shopping/housework, no commitments).

He gets to do his own thing whilst 'thinking' and leaving you dangling.

I don't think thats going to be a shock to his system and make him come running back I'm afraid.

Original poster
mashedpotatohead · 24/01/2014 14:38

Thank you so much all of you. Its given the kick up the bum I needed! Bloody men!

I am actually starting to think Id be better just me & the boys.

Blooming hurts like hell though...

OP posts:
Original poster
mashedpotatohead · 24/01/2014 14:41

Is the general consensus an affair ladies? I have given him so many opportunities to confess but then I guess they never do eh..

It'll be 'oh I met X 3mths after we split. We got serious in a month & now we live together!'

Im getting angry now!

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 24/01/2014 14:49

Angry is good!

And I know you would like the truth, but it's almost irrelevant what the reasons are why he's treating you like this.

(Yes I do think it points to an affair for what it's worth and I'd be interested to know how many nights he'll spend at his family next week.)

Leavenheath · 24/01/2014 14:50

Is the general consensus an affair ladies?

It is from me, yes.

Anger is great.