He leaves for our week trial separation tomorrow

[mashedpotatohead]

I am heart broken.

My DH thinks we are now no more than friends. He no longer knows what he wants.

This all came out 2wks ago & I have been feeling wretched ever since. I cant stop crying. I feel so sad for our two DS 4 & 7.

DH has been snappy, intolerant & moody for 2mths. Anything I do or say is met with utter disinterest. He only ever talks to me about his stressful job.

He is obsessed with Insanity (crazy exercise programme). He has also stated he finds my weight issues frustrating (size 14!) I suspect a mid life crisis more than an affair. I have snooped & found nothing.

Any thoughts are welcome. Just feeling very meh & thought Id reach out to the lovely MN community!

I think you're doing the right thing. Even though I know it is very, very difficult, and even though you haven't chosen to be in this situation, you can look back on this moment and know that at least you didn't sit waiting for someone else to decide your fate.

Possible futures with other partners... yes, sorry. 'Spoilers'.

Well done for taking control.

So he is already talking about being with someone else

He's mentioned possible futures with other partners, boy does he either fancy his chances or has already snared someone.

I would strongly suspect that there is already someone else.

You say you don't have a clue about finances. How are bills paid? If from joint account do you have passwords etc. Do you have access to all the household financial information?

he wants you to tell him to leave..... it becomes your responsibility for the break up then... less guilt on him...

even during the trial separation you need to tell him what nights he is having the children to stay with him.... wherever he is staying.... that way he knows he cannot abandon his responsibilities and walk away....

How did it go today mashed? Hope you are ok.

How are you mashed?

Feeling numb tbh. Things got quite awkward yest but we were out when he left. It's actually quite nice not having the stressful atmosphere. The weirdest thing was when he rang to speak to the boys tonight. I didn't want to speak to him so was subtly passing it back & forth like a hot potato! A then oldest DS gave me the phone as if DH had asked him to. Only to find he hadn't I'm doing a lot of sighing followed by a very upbeat 'ok!!' Onwards & upwards! x

Well done mashed. Take it a day at a time.

Thanks Jean, I really appreciate your support xx

This is a male perspective: looks 100% like an affair to me.

The very best of luck for the next few days. It will probably feel like a relief to have a calm house with no stressful atmosphere.

Well done for getting through the first step.
Treat yourself to something nice, you 100% deserve it. And why not treat the kids too?!

Sending hugs x

hi sorry to hear what you are going through
I think you are right that his behaviour sounds like his head has been turned/and an affair is starting to happen or happened.
what do you feel you can do whilst he is away, if you have found no concrete evidence it may have all been deleted.

man are clever and some want everything so will delete all information to avoid being found out and avoid confrontation.

Hi Mashed,
I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation - I was in exactly the same place seven years ago. I made the massive mistake of allowing him to ping-pong in & out of our lives ( my DC's were 10 & 5 at the time) and indulged his ridiculous behaviour. When I look back, what I should have done was to tell him to clear off & that I needed to be certain I wanted our marriage to continue. He was having an affair. If you do want to find evidence, it will be there somewhere - spare mobile chargers, bank statements which show cash/purchases in places or at times where he said he was elsewhere, the mileage on the car not tallying. He hid things in the garage - clothes covered in paint where he had helped her decorate, receipts, a girls deodorant which she'd dropped in the boot.....

TBH though, you can drive yourself nuts doing all of that & I wish I had just taken control like the other posters are suggesting. I wish I had dusted myself down & just shown him that we could carry on without him. Like you say, once they are gone, the stress is removed and you do get some peace. He is being utterly selfish & your priority should be the emotional & physical welfare of you and your children. Sending you a big MN hug.

Thank you for your infinite wisdom lovely people. I have only cried twice today! He text me to check the date of something earlier. He also rang me by 'mistake' yesterday! He credits me with very little intelligence! I have told him in no uncertain terms exactly what no contact means! Twunt!
Apart from the odd teary moment & the crazy nervous energy (!!!) I am feeling less anxious & do not miss him at all. It is terribly sad for the boys but think this is one relationship Ive already grieved for x

Please can I ask anyone with experience how you explained the separation to the children? My oldest DS is 7 & starting to get upset & miss his daddy. H is going to take them out Sat & Sun. We have told them H is working away for another week.

I have told H to stay away with no time limit though. I want to have the conversation with the children soon as I want to be honest before they start questioning the situation.

Reality is starting to hit me. H is like a stranger who seems in no hurry to come back (although I am calling the shots there). What I mean is there's no sign of wanting a reconciliation. I don't even know if I want one to be honest. I just feel numb & very sad. What I'm finding the most difficult is seeing my gorgeous DS so upset, its going to kill me

Hope that all makes sense x

From a friend, she said it helps if both of you can take the DCs into a familiar setting and gently explain what is going to happen. Emphasise it has nothing to do with your love for them as children. No raised voices, no disrespecting each other or new partners.

It helps if they don't move or change schools. For their sake can you tolerate each other at the house, at school, (parents' evenings and concerts or prizegivings), on birthdays, at Christmas?

I know H hasn't covered himself in glory so far but it would help if DCs felt loved and supported by both of you every step of the way. Being civil might be all you can manage for now, long term even better if you can show mutual respect and friendliness.

Thanks Donkey, that all sounds perfectly feasible. In prior conversations we have said we'd do our utmost to be friends for the children. I am under no illusion this will be very difficult at times.

I have been offered some counselling though & think this will help me move forward.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, much appreciated x