He leaves for our week trial separation tomorrow

[mashedpotatohead]

I am heart broken.

My DH thinks we are now no more than friends. He no longer knows what he wants.

This all came out 2wks ago & I have been feeling wretched ever since. I cant stop crying. I feel so sad for our two DS 4 & 7.

DH has been snappy, intolerant & moody for 2mths. Anything I do or say is met with utter disinterest. He only ever talks to me about his stressful job.

He is obsessed with Insanity (crazy exercise programme). He has also stated he finds my weight issues frustrating (size 14!) I suspect a mid life crisis more than an affair. I have snooped & found nothing.

Any thoughts are welcome. Just feeling very meh & thought Id reach out to the lovely MN community!

mashed Can you plan something for Sunday with friends or family? Or a nice cosy day at home with your boys?

I'm so sorry you're in this position. Hope things are clearer for you soon.

I wouldn't automatically think affair btw, but his behaviour is awful regardless.

Affair. Dreadful behaviour.

Not necessarily an affair, but one week isn't going to help anyone.

I don't necessarily think an affair, although his behaviour is classic. But I do think you need to wait until a day or two after he's gone on his 'trial leave' (and you've got all of your paperwork sorted/got your head around the finances, etc) then tell him actually, you don't think a week is long enough and you'll let him know if and when you're ready to have him back.

Mmm, bit of a mixed bag of thoughts re affair...

Sausages - I agree absolutely awful behaviour anyway

Jean - Im in the process of making Sunday plan ;)

Who/lougle - Yes I think longer too

Thank you Leaven & amothers for taking the time to reply....all very helpful ladies thank you all

OP, I'm very sorry you're going through this.

FWIW, it may not indicate a full-blown affair. My H behaved similarly during a one-sided teenage infatuation crush on a mutual acquaintance. He only told me after he made a pass at her and she knocked him back, under circumstances that he knew meant it would get back to me eventually. However, to my mind the fact that it wasn't a full emotional/physical affair makes little difference - the bottom line is that he put a lot of emotional energy (that should have been going into our marriage) into his fantasy relationship with this other person. Maybe your DH hasn't actually had an affair, but at the very least his despicable behaviour suggests that he is no longer emotionally invested in your marriage.

I think a lot of posters understandably hedge their bets about whether it's an affair because of a variety of things really. Obviously no-one but him knows for certain, so there's a reluctance to call it. Some posters might have had little experience of affair behaviour in real-life, or from reading threads on Mumsnet. Finally, there's a load of out-of-date twaddle in the mainstream media about 'signs of an affair'.

If you don't want to share what's been happening on your thread, that's absolutely fine and understandable, but it might be worth doing an advanced search on 'affairs' or 'signs of an affair' about which there have been multiple threads over the years. See if any of it resonates.

Regardless of any of that, the main thing is to take back some control and the right to make decisions yourself.

The only reason I ever urge people to find out if there's an affair is to stop all the wondering and bewilderment and to prevent the possibility of their partners breezing back into the relationship when they've had their fun and the affair is over. Because I've seen that happen in real life and many, many threads on Mumsnet where that has happened.

A nice little child and responsibility free mini break for him ?

When is it your turn ?

You are rewarding bad behaviour, OP,, a common theme where self entitled pricks like this tie their wives in knots tying to figure him out

Tell him his break is open ended on your say so because he hasn't been investing enough in his family. Make sure he does his share of childcare, then you get your jollies too

My DH thinks we are now no more than friends. He no longer knows what he wants.

What is going on inside his head, it must be something he practised in front of a mirror to get the fake sincere, woe-is-me, don't-pressure-me expression spot on.

Suddenly he swaps slightly overweight but good guy image for too-cool-for-DW-and-kids persona.

Has he met someone at the gym? New colleague he kept mentioning until around two months' ago? Ex gf suddenly FBing all the time?

I agree its definitely an affair. Sorry Op

Pull the rug from under this smug bastard and say you need more time and space to consider if you still want to be married to him after his recent crap behaviour.

And snoop - check mobile bills, deleted email folders/FB messages etc.

Very sorry op...you must feel so sad.

I'm thinking an affair. What's certain is that he's a twat and is treating you badly. Either he wants to be with you or not- what's a bloody week going to prove/solve?!

Whatever you do- do not contact him. If he contacts you, do not answer. He also shouldn't see the children. Him coming and going will not help anybody.

Didn't think of that- tell him you want longer than a week...he's calling the shots!!

Think that's too confusing for the kids to be honest...why should they have to stay elsewhere in confusing circumstances because daddy is making his mind up what he wants?? They should stay at home and shouldn't be mucked about by him while he decides if family life is still for him.

Firstly, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Secondly... This sounds exactly what happened to me and my stbexh in June/July last year. He left for a few days to start with, following week another few days, then a whole week. Then that was it.

When I asked if there was someone else he denied it. I believed him as I believed he would never lie to me! 7 weeks later I finally found out that yes, there was an ow. He'd moved in with her and her kids within a month of leaving me. It was like he'd swapped his old family (me and 3 DCs aged 2, 4 and 6) for a new family!

All the things you've said are so familiar to me. The changes in him around this time last year... Seems so obvious now I look back :(

If you want to pm me please do.

Yes- maybe, if they haven't already noticed mummy very upset and if they usually go off with daddy during the week to relatives.

I don't think a week without their dad will kill them- he is sticking 2 fingers up at his family.

I also think he is having an affair. However, whether he is or not he does not value you. You need to value yourself. Put yourself first and protect yourself and your children.

I have been the wife who could not believe her husband was cheating. I understand how impossible it seems now to break up your relationship and your family. Except he has already broken it and by giving him anything except NC and a divorce petition you are cheating yourself.

I know that sounds like crap now. God knows it took me 18 months to face up to the fact that one person alone cannot make a marriage however hard they try. I tried like a dog and I bet you will too. At well over a year down the line, the thing that pisses me off the most is all the time I spent desperately trying to rekindle our marriage whilst he enjoyed the ego boost of having two women vying for his attention whilst saying "I don't know what I want" all the time. I would never, ever do that again because the price in self respect is too high.

You will never regret putting yourself first and maintaining your self-respect. It seems impossible now but it won't be that long before you can't quite believe you ever cared that much about some inadequate unworthy man.

Absolutely no reason to believe random strangers on an internet forum. Please do what you think is right, but please also start to think about how you want to look back on where you are now in 5 years' time. Value yourself, whether he does or not. Very best wishes.

3mum...great post. Exactly that ^^

I already feel stronger, thank you ladies! Plus I've done a bottle of wine! haha! We've just had a very candid chat where I have stated I want to take on the house, go full time to manage etc He seems shocked that I've easy clicked into survival mode while he thought he was still pondering over his options! I love a bit of empowerment! I'm still failing to see an affair but it's so hard when you're in the thick of it. Put it this way, it would not be a surprise. He has also talked of possible futures with other partners. The writing is on the wall isn't it??? x

easily hic!

I hope all goes well today mashed and there is no last minute 'change of plan' on his part.

When he talked of future partners you should say "oh don't worry I would never do something so tacky as have a relationship or involve the kids before the divorce is even finalised, I'm sure I'll move on in a dignified way"