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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've fucked up...

101 replies

PurpleFlamingo · 22/01/2014 16:16

And now my marriage is at stake Hmm

This may be long so I apologise in advance but I don't want to drip feed. I have name changed but am a regular. Yoni, pom bears, poo troll etc.

About 15 months ago I started a new job. And about 6 month into that job I struck up a friendship with a younger male colleague. It was just banter, sometimes a touch flirty but never anything innappropriate. I got on with him really well and we would quite often text eachother to see what we were upto and just general conversation. In hindsight it probably was too often BUT I had nobody else to talk to.

I have no contact with my bitch of a mum, I don't have a close relationship with siblings and my dad has made it perfectly clear I am not to bother him with any of my own issues.

I'd been having a few problems with my husband. We had been falling out, he had been aggressive and a bit violent towards me on a few occasions.

One night I let this slip to this man. I don't know why, perhaps if was just a relief at being able to tell somebody. He was obviously concerned. Then everytime my husband got aggressive I would leave the house and 50% of the time would text this man. He offered to pick me up and look after me for the night but I said no. I had children to get back for.

I do not have any sexual feelings towards this man. I'm sure if I offered it on a plate he wouldn't say no but other than that there has been no sexual talk or any advances made towards me. I couldn't physically bring myself to cheat anyway, I just couldn't.

Anyway my husband tells me our issues are just as much my fault as his. I spend too much time on my iPad, I don't really pay him much attention etc and I agreed with him. I made a conscious effort to stop this and at the sane time stopped contacting this other man other than the odd happy birthday text, like friends would. We are both fine with that, he is very much still in love with his ex and has casual relationships with other women (he is 21 after all). We see eachother at work maybe once a month for 2 minutes.

Fast forward to yesterday. I have been having problems with my mobile phone. Dh says he will help me with it, wants access to my account. It hadn't been working for about it yesterday but as soon as was fixed he wanted the password. I wasn't happy about giving it because I knew he would go over it with a fine tooth comb and he wouldn't be happy seeing all of the texts (about 30 a month, 6-7 months ago).

I gave it to him and of course he was livid. I can't blame him to be honest. He thinks I have been having a full on affair Hmm which tbh I would too if it was other way round.

He has messaged the other guy and called him a cunt. Other man was like wtf? Sent me a couple texts asking what was going on.

Then I fucked up. I said I hadn't spoken to him. Now dh is going to see I lied. He doesn't trust me anyway.

I don't know what to do. I shouldn't have lied but I just didn't want a slanging match in front of the kids Hmm

OP posts:
CailinDana · 22/01/2014 18:20

OP even if you shagged this guy right in front of your husband he still would have no right to hit you or grab you around the throat. The ridiculous thing is you never even shagged the guy, he's just a friend! And yet you still say "I've fucked up" - how? By daring to talk to another human being?

Witchofthenorth · 22/01/2014 18:52

This is NOT your fault...you are a grown woman who has the right to friends be they male or female...so what if you didnt tell him...I dont tell my DP every converstaion I have with people.

He is not "a bit" violent...you do not get "a bit" violent. He is violent full stop, physically, mentally and emotionally and you need to get out for your sake and your childrens.

You have not fucked up...you have done nothing wrong. Please stop believing you have. Please, please, please Op, get away from this man. Womens Aid are your best friend just now and if I can help at all..then PM me.

Hissy · 22/01/2014 19:00

I came on here to say what CailinDiana said.

It doesn't matter about anything, NO-ONE has any right to be any kind of violent with you.

Please leave the H, as soon as you can,

The other guy was a catalyst, showing you that there is another way, no more.

Follow the yellow brick road love.

Needadvice5 · 22/01/2014 20:22

Hope you're ok Op and you manage to come back on here later, we're all very worried xxx

Original poster
PurpleFlamingo · 22/01/2014 20:25

Honestly what is the first thing i should do?

I do think if I told him I wanted to split amicably I think he would. But have been down this road before.

Obviously the rest if the time he is nice as pie and he really does everything to take care of me and the kids. He's just a total cunt when he gets into these fits of rage, the way he shouts at me and the things he says to me (slag, cunt, bitch etc) are just awful. The things my children have heard and he knows it breaks my heart Hmm

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 22/01/2014 20:37

The first thing you should do is ring Women's Aid.

I'm not convinced, given than he kicked off over you talking to a guy, that he will let you go amicably. And with kids, I wouldn't take the risk.

Trying to end a relationship is a common flashpoint for escalation of violence.

I would chat to Women's Aid and talk through your options.

Witchofthenorth · 22/01/2014 20:42

I echo Twinklestein call womens aid, they will talk to you about your options...if nothing else talking to them will help you gain some control over this situation and allow you to think more clearly.

Im inclined to think that maybe it will be amicable...to begin with. You deserve so much more than this purple, please believe that. I can not say enough that this is NOT your fault.

Original poster
PurpleFlamingo · 22/01/2014 21:00

I'm also inclined to think it will be amicable at the start but could turn very nasty when he sees I mean business.

I will ring women's aid tomorrow as obviously he is home now. Can it be anonymous or will they want details? I'm worried about social services and them contacting my daughters school etc.

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 22/01/2014 21:10

I wouldnt worry about SS...yes it can be anonymous if you want it to be. Are you in England? I am in Scotland and SS work slightly differently up here...I know they would not become involved unless there was a clear threat to the safety of your children...I would imagine it would be similar with you if you are in England.

womens aid will not press you for any information you do not want to give, but will give you your options based on what you tell them. Please try not to worry about consequence, these people deal with women who are in danger on a daily basis and are fantastic. you need to focus on what you need to do now...leave the after for just that...after.

Twinklestein · 22/01/2014 21:12

I'm also inclined to think it will be amicable at the start but could turn very nasty when he sees I mean business.

Exactly. Once he realises you're serious all hell could break loose.

You do not have to give your name to WA. But I would talk through the child protection issues with them. I think you could actually do with the help of social services, and as long as you put your children's safety first, they will be entirely supportive of you.

There are posters on here who are social workers or work with dv, and they can give you more info.

Original poster
PurpleFlamingo · 22/01/2014 21:20

Just for the record my children are very happy and well looked after and loved. They are being raised a damn sight better than I was! That's not to say that this isn't damaging them, I'm not naive enough to think it isn't and I do worry about the long term implications. I don't think i need social services though, I want to avoid that if I can.

I'm in England and I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody and all their business iykwim?

I know what I need to do. I just wish I had someone who could support me. If it was just a shoulder to cry on or to offer me an escape for a few hours I don't care. Just anyone Hmm

OP posts:
ChippingInWadesIn · 22/01/2014 21:22

It sounds like you need a good escape plan before you tell him otherwise he could get very violent :(

Hissy · 22/01/2014 21:26

You have all of us love, and you have our support, our advice and our strength.

Just call WA and ask for their advice and assistance.

Twinklestein · 22/01/2014 21:26

I've no doubt you're an excellent mum, it wasn't for that that I suggested social services, but because you have said before that you don't have any support.

But I can see how that might feel like stigma in a small town. x

Hissy · 22/01/2014 21:28

WA won't need your details, and as long as there's no violence/police then SS/school won't be involved.

The longer this drags on though, the greater the chances are of escalation.

Witchofthenorth · 22/01/2014 21:40

You have all of us lovely...I know you mean RL support but you can PM me at any time..if i was closer, I would have you out of there now and all tucked up with me...and you are a great mum, you know the situation is bad and you know what you need to do.

TallGiraffe · 22/01/2014 22:20

Wishing you strength and good luck for tomorrow. Making that call to WA is the important first step.

Original poster
PurpleFlamingo · 22/01/2014 22:26

Thanks everyone. I've been researching my local women's aid, they don't give away much but that's understandable. I will phone them tomorrow after the dc's are at school. Even if it's just for advice for now.

Most appreciated. And Thankyou for not flaming me.

OP posts:
Needadvice5 · 22/01/2014 22:54

Why did you think you'd be flamed??

My ex only hit me occasionally but looking back, in between the assaults there was lots of emotional abuse.

I honestly thought I'd never be free of him because that's what he told me. After the last assault which left me in hospital with a nasty head injury I had him arrested and an injunction was put in place, he breached it twice, I rang the police and he was immediately arrested again and jailed for not complying with the order.

social services were heavily involved for a while and they were amazingly supportive as were the dc's school. I had little family support and lots of abusive texts from his family.

I'm now 3 years down the line, I'm with someone lovely who cares and respects me.

My dc are happy and settled now but in the beginning they talked about stuff they'd seen/heard and it was heartbreaking.

Op if I can do it then so can you! I thought I'd be stuck with that twat for life. He only lives a couple of miles away and knows if he tried anything he would be back inside again.

Please get some help. ......

Original poster
PurpleFlamingo · 23/01/2014 18:01

I don't know why i thought I'd be flamed, for still being with him i guess.

I am sat here in tears. Today he made me erase and then restore everything on my phone so he could see any deleted texts. He just sat there and went through my entire phone and wouldn't give it back to me. He made me ask my friend to send me any texts he has because he needs to see them. I told him I deleted them because he wouldn't like to see me telling someone else I am scared of what he might do Hmm

I'm working tomorrow evening, I can't get out of that. But he is home with the children so I can just not go back if I find somewhere to go. I don't know what else I can do.

OP posts:
LilyBlossom14 · 23/01/2014 18:11

Did you contact Women's Aid Purple? He had no right to make you restore your phone or make you show him texts.

Original poster
PurpleFlamingo · 23/01/2014 18:40

Well funny story... Everything that could go wrong today has!

My router has completely died so I have no internet access, and then I couldn't restore my phone because I had no wifi. So I have literally just got my phone working again after a trip to McDonald's to use their free wif.

So in short, no. Hmm

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 23/01/2014 19:34

Im am so sorry purple he is an abusive cunt!! He has absolutely no right to make you do anything...I feel so sad for you and wish I could just come take you away. Please stay strong, and at the first available opportunity get on the phone to WA.

Witchofthenorth · 23/01/2014 19:34

Im am so sorry purple he is an abusive cunt!! He has absolutely no right to make you do anything...I feel so sad for you and wish I could just come take you away. Please stay strong, and at the first available opportunity get on the phone to WA.

Witchofthenorth · 23/01/2014 19:34

oops Blush sorry for the double post!