I've fucked up...

[PurpleFlamingo]

And now my marriage is at stake

This may be long so I apologise in advance but I don't want to drip feed. I have name changed but am a regular. Yoni, pom bears, poo troll etc.

About 15 months ago I started a new job. And about 6 month into that job I struck up a friendship with a younger male colleague. It was just banter, sometimes a touch flirty but never anything innappropriate. I got on with him really well and we would quite often text eachother to see what we were upto and just general conversation. In hindsight it probably was too often BUT I had nobody else to talk to.

I have no contact with my bitch of a mum, I don't have a close relationship with siblings and my dad has made it perfectly clear I am not to bother him with any of my own issues.

I'd been having a few problems with my husband. We had been falling out, he had been aggressive and a bit violent towards me on a few occasions.

One night I let this slip to this man. I don't know why, perhaps if was just a relief at being able to tell somebody. He was obviously concerned. Then everytime my husband got aggressive I would leave the house and 50% of the time would text this man. He offered to pick me up and look after me for the night but I said no. I had children to get back for.

I do not have any sexual feelings towards this man. I'm sure if I offered it on a plate he wouldn't say no but other than that there has been no sexual talk or any advances made towards me. I couldn't physically bring myself to cheat anyway, I just couldn't.

Anyway my husband tells me our issues are just as much my fault as his. I spend too much time on my iPad, I don't really pay him much attention etc and I agreed with him. I made a conscious effort to stop this and at the sane time stopped contacting this other man other than the odd happy birthday text, like friends would. We are both fine with that, he is very much still in love with his ex and has casual relationships with other women (he is 21 after all). We see eachother at work maybe once a month for 2 minutes.

Fast forward to yesterday. I have been having problems with my mobile phone. Dh says he will help me with it, wants access to my account. It hadn't been working for about it yesterday but as soon as was fixed he wanted the password. I wasn't happy about giving it because I knew he would go over it with a fine tooth comb and he wouldn't be happy seeing all of the texts (about 30 a month, 6-7 months ago).

I gave it to him and of course he was livid. I can't blame him to be honest. He thinks I have been having a full on affair which tbh I would too if it was other way round.

He has messaged the other guy and called him a cunt. Other man was like wtf? Sent me a couple texts asking what was going on.

Then I fucked up. I said I hadn't spoken to him. Now dh is going to see I lied. He doesn't trust me anyway.

I don't know what to do. I shouldn't have lied but I just didn't want a slanging match in front of the kids

I think he would make my life hell

That's what restraining orders are for.

None of this is your fault, there is no excuse for violence.

I'm sure you're aware that if SS get wind of his violence, they will require you to leave him to safeguard your kids.

Op none of it is your fault love, please get some help. For your children's sake.

If social services get involved and you don't look as though you're putting the dc first they'll take a very dim view and they'll look at getting heavily involved.

I'm not trying to frightened you, this is something you have to do. Keep posting.

Op grabbing you round the throat is a huge red flag in DV? I'm maracas trained and this action pushes the risk for death up massively.
Please talk things through with women's aid.

The police have been out before and I have had a letter from social services to say they would be meeting with me but this was nearly 2 years ago and I haven't heard a thing. I am well aware of what they will think and it scares the hell out of me.

So many times I have wanted to leave, I had made up my mind it's what I was going to do and I didn't. I know it's affecting my children and I really really don't want that. My dldest dd already has a learning mentor at school which I am utterly ashamed about.

But then I will have nobody. Literally no one.

"I think he would make my life hell." well it's not exactly a picnic you're living in atm is it?

The other man is irrelevant here. You haven't actually done anything wrong, so even if your h thinks you have that's his issue to deal with.

Ending the relationship isn't his decision - if you don't want to be married to him any more then no-one can make you stay married to him.

But as no-one can make you leave I will just ask you this: what reason is there to stay? Once you can answer that question honestly you will hopefully have the clarity to do what it is you need to do.

I don't think he would use money against me but the time we had police out was because he took my bank card and withdrew all of our money and wouldn't give it back to me.

I had transferred it all into an account solely in my name (which funnily enough he kept on at me to close so I did) so the kids and I would be ok.

We don't have much money at the moment with it being Xmas etc and our car has just gone wrong.

You will always have your kids, and you can turn to WA and SS for help, they can support you in setting up a new life.

It's so much better to be just you & your kids than to 'rely' on a man who may kill you and is certainly damaging your children.

Yes but compared to having an abusive dp, having no one will be marvelous!

Women's aid will help you with all the emotional and practical problems when deciding to end an abusive relationship.

But if he explained it to you it totally looks like I have done something wrong with regards to this other man. I am being totally truthful when I say nothing romantic has happened. He just happens to be someone I get along with who is male. I have hidden it and I have lied about it, I cannot blame him for being angry about that because I sure as hell would be if it was another woman!

He knows he is a cunt and has told me that. I am not sticking up for him AT ALL just to clarify that.

I told him last time if he shouted at me in front of my children that would be it. I'm an actual mug aren't i?

Flirting with another man when you're in a relationship isn't brilliant, but it's nothing in comparison with physical abuse, which is actively illegal.

The reason you're even talking to this guy at work is because you're in an abusive relationship and he's nice to you.

I don't think you're a mug I think you're being manipulated, bullied & abused.

This is shocking, hits you on the head cos you've pushed him over the edge - wtf, please make arrangements to leave, he is an arsehole and a cowards that picks on a woman. Nothing healthy or normal about your relationship and your children will grow up thinking it's a man's job to control a woman and even hit her if he feels she deserves it. How can life without him be worse than the life you have with him, I don't get it.

Why have you got absolutely no-one? Not even one good friend? Have you really got not one single person to talk to about all of this?

You must live in a city.

He knows he's a cunt, he's more than that, he's a bully and a controlling creep who gets off on losing his temper with women. I bet he's never hit another man.

Until you stop making excuses then I don't see you doing anything about leaving, don't you think you deserve a man who actually has respect for himself and you?

Yeah you are right, it was totally because he was being nice to me. It was just nice to have one friend, it's really sad isn't it? Husband says if I told him about the friendship it would have been fine. Well he knew a bit about it because I told him and he would have gone mental! We went out at the weekend and I was accused of being all over another man I work with, who I spent a whole 2 minutes talking to out of 6 hours

Of course he would have gone mental.

The only reason you don't have friends around you is because of your husband, it's not you...

I honestly have nobody. I have one good friend but not close enough to open up to about all of this plus she has her own issues atm.

I don't live in a city, far from it actually. The only people I talk to are his parents.

I'm not making excuses, I'm just working through it all in my head. Of course I don't want this for me or my children. I'm totally scared nobody will believe me though, everybody else thinks he is the perfect husband

If you want drama, violence and crap from now until he probably puts you in hospital then carry on, I really don't know what it will take for you to see that this is so wrong, do it for the kids, if not yourself.

He doesn't love you, is probably incapable of love, it's called control and it's men who are so weak and insecure about themselves that they take out their frustrations on women.

Of course they will believe you. Police and social services are obviously already aware there's a problem, even if you have got lost in the system.

If you speak to Women's Aid they will not doubt you & they will support you in setting up a new life. SS can help you too - they get a lot of bad press, but they do amazing work supporting women just like you.

I highly doubt everyone thinks your husband is perfect OP, he's clearly awful. But people won't be honest about that until you've left him. Even if some people do think he's nice, they don't live with him...

I have one cousin who I have lost touch with who had seen the nasty side of him. He said that my family didn't particularly like him but when I asked they said this wasn't true. Obviously.

He is back from work in a minute. I haven't disappeared, I will be back later.

He might read this but I don't care. He hates mumsnet, says you will persuade me to think stuff I wouldn't normally think even though you don't know the full facts

Of course he hates mumsnet a) it's a women's forum & he obviously doesn't like women very much & b) it's a form of support for you.

I would make sure he doesn't see this thread - delete your browsing history. If he gets wind of you wanting to leave, the violence could escalate.

Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

You really need to stop blaming yourself; your friend is a total red herring and nothing to do with your husband's appalling actions ...

he just grabs you by the throat; he just beats you about the head?

He is a violent criminal and you do not cause him to be like this ... if you had shagged an entire rugby team and then posted graphic pictures on the internet, that still would not justify what he does.

OP there is no 'just' about his behaviour, you're in a violent relationship and need to get out for your sake and your DC. Please phone women's aid as others have said. I'm sure your DH doesn't like mn, he won't like what we're saying because its true.

You need to safeguard your children.

the facts are he is an abuser who puts his hands round your throat and hits you on the head. I don't care if you are having an affair, what he is doing to you is not only abuse but illegal. Please get yourself and your children from this man. Could you contact Women's Aid for help?

That is not a "bit" violent, it is nasty, violent abuse, and it won't stop at that, leaving no marks, it will very likely escalate into cuts and bruises and broken bones, and if he's taken to throttling you, he could end up killing you in one of his rages. None of that is your fault, it is all his, and you do not deserve to be treated like that. I started my life watching my bio father abuse my mother, and take it from one who's been there you don't want that for your children either.
As other posters have advised, contact women's aid, call the non-emergency police no and get it on record what he has done. There is help for you out there, you can be safe. Being alone is much, much better than being with a nasty violent abuser.