Worried that DP is stringing me along a bit Re. Marriage

[NurseScorned]

I hate being all suspicious but I can't help it lately, I'm worried I'm being strung along by stuff that is really important to me.

When we first got together my partner said he definitely wanted to get married again, he likes the mr and mrs set up, he believed marriage was important although as he hadn't been divorced long (2 years) he would want to wait a while before taking the plunge - then when we moved in together all of a sudden he changed this to never wanting to get married, making out that I should have told him how important it was to me in the early days (I did!!) and that he "supposes" he "might" marry me at a much later date if we continue to "get on" and "work as a team". Now however it's constantly at the back of my mind that if I stay with him, I might have to resign myself to having never married despite it being so important to me. He never brings it up, never talks about it and makes me feel awkward if I bring it up. It's constantly on TV, marriage, weddings, romantic proposals, honeymoons - we're going to Thailand in August and our hotel has a special wedding/honeymoon page on the internet and he looked through the entire website and just missed that page out. When skipping through the hotel photos there was an air of awkward silence when the wedding pictures came up. I just sometimes feel that he's stringing me along. If he genuinely intended to marry at some point wouldn't that be a perfect conversation starter? If he doesn't want to get married, why can't he just tell me so I can make an informed decision about my future? It winds me up all the important dates throughout the year when friends/colleagues are expecting proposals - birthdays, valentines day, on holiday (can't get much more romantic /exotic than thailand!) yet I know deep down it will never happen for me, he'll never ask me no matter how perfect the setting. A woman at work today came in all excited, stuck her hand out and was wearing a beautiful engagement ring. Everyone was so excited for her and I started feeling quite emotional. My DP never buys me anything never mind a ring. I think one of his excuses before was the cost of a wedding - clearly bullshit when all I'd want is a quick service in the reg office, I'm not even after a posh dress - none of that matters to me and I just feel so rejected by him and just wish he'd be honest with me one way or another. I'm 33 and he's 42 - we're old enough to know what we want and time is moving on somewhat. We can't have kids so it's not about that (yet that's another thing I'm willing to sacrifice for him) but I won't compromise on marriage too. But how do I make him be honest? don't want to end the relationship if he genuinely intends to ask me soon - but don't want to be strung along either.

[MaeveWest]

oh dear. He is just treading water. If he was afraid of losing you, he'd have had the vasectomy reversed and he'd have asked you by now.

He hasn't because he's not afraid of losing you.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Glad you came back, LaQueen, as this guy does t have commitment issues so much as he has extensive being a jerk issues.

[TheDayOfMyDoctor]

I don't think I've ever posted LTB, but OP you really should. I was once engaged, had a house with him but mortgage in his name for reasons I won't go into. I paid more towards our household expenses than he did, but when we split and sold the property (which only sold quickly thanks to my efforts), he disappeared with all the (considerable) profits. It left me completely broke (at about the same age as you) and very unfairly stuck with some debts. It's taken me years to recover.

I think you mentioned something about him not having any protection. You really don't have much in the way of protection now and he already has the power to screw you over.

His actions are not those of a loving committed partner. Please take away the control he has over your life.

[DontmindifIdo]

Although op, he's aiming to screw you over, if you want to play along nicely (but do not put any debt in your name!) until you can secure a nice home for you and your dcs, do it.

First things first, you mentioned a joint account. Get any wages and benefits and maintenance that's your money changed to be paid into a sold account for you. Are any if the household bills in your name? (Gas, electric etc?) pay them up to date from the joint account then have your name removed from the bills. These are tomorrow's jobs.

Then look for somewhere else for you and your dcs to live, that can be your weekend job.

Do not put your name on the debt for the house, fake illness if you need to buy time to get out of doing it tomorrow.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

I agree with all the posters here. He has used you abominably Nurse. Walk away. He has played you. You were rightly suspicious but at least you know. Make a plan execute it and see it as a bullet dodged. What a turd!

[bouncysmiley]

You need to write down everything you want to say/ talk about then sit down calmly with him and tell him that marriage is important to you, and that you can't settle for a future without this and need to know if he is on board.Be prepared to walk away and let go. If he is right for you he'll come back to you. This is your life and too big an issue to brush under the carpet.

[SkaterGrrrrl]

LTB.

[JodieGarberJacob]

I wouldn't accept marriage from this man under any circumstances. He calculates everything according to how it affects him financially. If he did decide to marry you op you can guarantee it would only be because he could see some monetary benefit in it. It might make you happy in the short term, ie you would feel temporarily 'wanted', but it would be a disaster in the long term. If you wanted to LTB in 5 years time it would be a hell of a lot harder than escaping with your sanity and self-respect tomorrow. Look on it as a lucky escape for you and your dcs. Good luck.

[Littleen]

How about just proposing to him, rather than waiting?

[Loopytiles]

LTB, what a calculating way he has behaved.

[perfectstorm]

Littleen, is that based on the first post, or the whole thread?

[Karenblixen]

LTB - now, not 14 years later like I just did. I have just officially terminated my 14 year long "engagement", ring and all!

[AmazingJumper]

LTB

[rainbowsmiles]

And this is your love story now. When you look back and remember you will have this. No joy. No love. Selfishness and mistrust. What kind of foundation is this to build a marriage on. I think he sounds manipulative and nasty. If your children are boys they will be modelling his behaviour and if girls they will be developing future husband templates based upon his mould.

I am adding my LTB. There are no happy endings involving him.

[HelloBoys]

LTB now - he is out for himself.

[Cabrinha]

I'm suspicious that you couldn't go on the mortgage in the first place "something to do with his maintenance payments and my dependents".

OK - news flash, I'm on the 3rd house and 4th mortgage and whilst they've recorded my dependent, no adviser has ever said it's an issue. Lots of people have dependents! I suspect if anything it makes you a better credit risk as you can't just think "fuck it" and go.

Next - his (HIS) maintenance payments... Why on earth would his money going out, mean YOU can't be on the joint mortgage? Sounds more like you'd have to go joint, because alone he wouldn't have affordability due to maintenance.

Love, you shouldn't be getting a joint mortgage with him anyway.
But I think that you've been totally bullshitted to on the mortgage. If I'm right that you've accepted info from him (even if in the loved up first flush) then I don't want to kick you when you're down, but please always take responsibility for knowledge of financial matters yourself in future.

And beware, in case he proposes so as not to lose his lodger, when you dump him. As you've offered a pre-nup, he may calculate (and I mean calculate) that marriage could be a way for him to pay mortgage.

You might be able to register an interest in the house, from your payments - especially if there's some record of you going for a joint mortgage originally. You need a solicitor's advice for that though.

[perfectstorm]

And beware, in case he proposes so as not to lose his lodger, when you dump him. As you've offered a pre-nup, he may calculate (and I mean calculate) that marriage could be a way for him to pay mortgage.

I'm afraid I agree.

His best of all option is to have the house in his sole name, without any paper trail proving you paid towards it, while getting you to share all expenses of all kinds and do housework/childcare, so if you ever split he'd benefit from the equity laid up by all the years of payments, and have no obligations to you and your kids whatsoever. BUT that doesn't mean he'd be better off single than he would married to you, because if he were, he'd have to pay for everything himself. It may be that he'd rather marry you than lose the extra income/relationship, but would prefer to keep his grabby little hands on the lot if he can bully and manipulate you into that.

It doesn't really matter, does it? You don't need your kids being ripped off by this man.

I also think you need to talk to a solicitor about what your share of the mortgage payments entitles you to, if you have any paper trail to prove those contributions.

[HelloBoys]

In fact if he did propose I'd run a mile and I hope OP does if he does do that.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

A verbose bump.
I was thinking about your circumstances some more as I am on your behalf.

A lesson in communication that might be a take away here is that when
you (in general sense) ask for something, or ask a question, and you are looking for/need a "yes or no" answer...it needs to be understood what means "yes" and what means "no". Imh experience, a "yes" comes in one form and one form only and that is the direct and plain use of the word itself: "yes".
Anything and everything else is a "no". Maybe means no. I will think about it means no. (However, when telling children "I will think about it" has meant just that, and I am careful to say yes at least half the time.)

Grand pontifications of disertations that explain the universe (avoiding the question) is not ignoring you but it is ignoring the question-that is a "no". Or in your case, Nurse, it came as rantings on the dynamics of his financial paranoia.

Gestures that go toward an implication of a positive response without actually saying "yes" is also a "no". Meaningful looks, letting you finish their sentence, a wisper, something else has to happen first, etc

There are probably many other devices to aviod "yes".

Then there is the special bastard/bitch who will give the yes, freely and enthusiastically...but has no intention of following through. They will swear until the Earth stops rotating that they will do, but never quite get around to it...(so they can feel validated that they did not lie...in their own minds). This is "lip service". Again, Nurse, this may be a part of your story. This is hard to suss out, but reasonably, one can set a deadline within one's own mind, that if it hasn't been fulfilled by a certain point, then it isn't going to happen. If the deadline is announced, then the truth of the "no" may come out as your fault for whatever reason a deadline is unconscionable.

I sincerely hope you did not cosign his loan, Nurse. Is there a three day remorse window to reverse your decision?

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

And now a pithy bump. Sorry about my rant yesterday.
Are you ok, NurseScorned? Was there any action on sorting out the finances yesterday?

[Armadale]

I've just read this whole thread and every single update by the OP has made me sadder and sadder for her.

Please, please leave.

You deserve so much more than this.

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

Just sat and read the thread with increasing I really can't work out what the 'and all' is in the love him 'warts and all'

Feel very sorry for you Nurse, to me it's a relationship where heads he wins and tails you lose.

I hope you find emotional happiness, but it won't happen with this man.

[monkeynuts123]

He doesn't want to marry you, if he did you would be engaged. Please don't waste your fertile years on this man and make an agreement
With yourself that you will leave. Do the maths, it could take you 2 years to meet someone new, 2 years to get married there, it could take time to conceive. You don't have time for him to waste. Go and be happy and married to someone who wants to be with you even when you don't work as a team and even when you're not getting on! It will take courage though but the alternative is not much of a life for you, good for him but not for you.