Worried that DP is stringing me along a bit Re. Marriage

[NurseScorned]

I hate being all suspicious but I can't help it lately, I'm worried I'm being strung along by stuff that is really important to me.

When we first got together my partner said he definitely wanted to get married again, he likes the mr and mrs set up, he believed marriage was important although as he hadn't been divorced long (2 years) he would want to wait a while before taking the plunge - then when we moved in together all of a sudden he changed this to never wanting to get married, making out that I should have told him how important it was to me in the early days (I did!!) and that he "supposes" he "might" marry me at a much later date if we continue to "get on" and "work as a team". Now however it's constantly at the back of my mind that if I stay with him, I might have to resign myself to having never married despite it being so important to me. He never brings it up, never talks about it and makes me feel awkward if I bring it up. It's constantly on TV, marriage, weddings, romantic proposals, honeymoons - we're going to Thailand in August and our hotel has a special wedding/honeymoon page on the internet and he looked through the entire website and just missed that page out. When skipping through the hotel photos there was an air of awkward silence when the wedding pictures came up. I just sometimes feel that he's stringing me along. If he genuinely intended to marry at some point wouldn't that be a perfect conversation starter? If he doesn't want to get married, why can't he just tell me so I can make an informed decision about my future? It winds me up all the important dates throughout the year when friends/colleagues are expecting proposals - birthdays, valentines day, on holiday (can't get much more romantic /exotic than thailand!) yet I know deep down it will never happen for me, he'll never ask me no matter how perfect the setting. A woman at work today came in all excited, stuck her hand out and was wearing a beautiful engagement ring. Everyone was so excited for her and I started feeling quite emotional. My DP never buys me anything never mind a ring. I think one of his excuses before was the cost of a wedding - clearly bullshit when all I'd want is a quick service in the reg office, I'm not even after a posh dress - none of that matters to me and I just feel so rejected by him and just wish he'd be honest with me one way or another. I'm 33 and he's 42 - we're old enough to know what we want and time is moving on somewhat. We can't have kids so it's not about that (yet that's another thing I'm willing to sacrifice for him) but I won't compromise on marriage too. But how do I make him be honest? don't want to end the relationship if he genuinely intends to ask me soon - but don't want to be strung along either.

[magoria]

How can he not afford the mortgage without your contribution and would lose the house but you have no stake in it?

I'm afraid he just used loudness to shut you up. Is this the first time? He's not happy at you not just accepting what he thinks should be your lot is he!

Don't go to the mortgage company and tie yourself to this man get out.

[Allofaflumble]

Nurse I was with a man who sounds a bit like yours. We were together seven years in all but I never moved in with him or him with me as I felt he would never want to marry if I did so.

He occasionally mentioned us "living together" in the future, never marriage. I felt too desperate to keep bringing up the fact I did want to be married - and eventually we fell in to a pattern of seeing each other a couple of times a week. On the other nights he would pursue his various hobbies, see friends etc.

For a long time, I convinced myself it suited me too, but I was just settling for crumbs really.

In the end I went off him, could not bear to have sex with him and fell into depression.

I ended it recently. He did not put up a fight. It had been a nice and comfortable ride for him I do believe. I still feel angry that I let myself stay in that situation for so long. The writing was on the wall really very early on, but I was not listening - so much did I want, for once to have things work out for me!

I am older than you, a lot, but still my time is as precious as yours and it is very sad to waste it on a man who does not deserve your devotion.

I would say get out while you can. I felt very sad to see you stated that you were going to see about the mortgage, but you no longer wanted to marry him. That is the worst way to deceive yourself.

It is preferable to be alone than be in something which causes you such anguish. I know, I have the wrinkles to prove it!!

Please, please think about yourself and your children.

[Isetan]

Why do you want to get married to this man? What is so good about this relationship that makes you think you'd want to be in it for a very long time?

He doesn't want to be married to you and quite frankly, he has done you a favour by not marrying you, he sounds like a knob.

[NettleTea]

why would he not be able to manage the mortgage? surely he had to manage it before you moved in?

[expatinscotland]

Fuck him and his house. Don't go anywhere near a mortgage with this cock.

[TheDoctrineOf2014]

Stop
Giving
Him
All
Your
Power

[Lweji]

Do bugger off.

I'm not sure I'd want to share a mortgage with such a person.
It will tie you up to him and if you don't want to be married to him, you might as well move on.

[Quinteszilla]

You love him warts and all.

Can you see his face, covered in all those warts??

[Quinteszilla]

If he adds you on the mortgage, and HE fucks off?

Then you will be in the same deep shit he professes to be in if you take off now without being on the mortgage....Then you will be paying it all, until he swans back in asking to sell his house, or ask you to leave so that his new girlfriend (with a bigger purse) can move in ....

Dont be added to the mortgage! You will take on responsibility for its payment.

And if you do, make sure you are also on the deeds...

[HelloBoys]

You've been paying rent to him for his mortgage payments and you have no rights? You may as well have been renting from a landlord.

I work for a solicitors. worst thing possible to buy a house without being married unless Trust Deed.

You need to make sure you're on deeds and office copy entries (which shows whose names are on the title deeds).

otherwise kick him to the kerb.

[FlatFacedArmy]

"When you qualify will you earn more than he does now?
Does he perceive that he 'lost' money when he divorced his ex?
Does he moan about giving maintenance payments?
Do you buy the food?
Do you pay half of everything? Even if you currently don't bring in half the household wage?"

I'd be willing to put money on it that 43PerCent has hit the nail on the head, especially wrt complaining about losing money in the divorce or expense of maintenance payments.

[Helltotheno]

Nurse I'm not feeling much anger or resolve in your posts which makes me think you'll cling to this wreckage for another while. Hopefully not but at least you'll have many good posts to look back on to remind you why he's a twunt.

Teeny well done you!!

[NurseScorned]

I am angry but more at myself for being so naive. Thing is, at the back of my head I've known all along that he's "not that into me."

Basically he was living with his mother and we "bought the house together" only I couldn't get on the mortgage - something to do with his maintenance payments and my dependents but we agreed that once we secured the house that we loved so much, we would change the mortgage to a joint one. That never happened. And yeah, I've gone back and forth on the idea too - when I'm feeling ridiculously optimistic I've said "lets just leave it, we're out of the contract in 2 years anyway, we'll just re-apply together" but then when I've really thought about it - the marriage stuff - the way he seems to dislike me bonding with his kids - some of the things he says - I started to suspect that I'm simply helping him pay the mortgage for the first two years until he can get a cheaper deal and can afford it himself.

Plus, with the convo last night turning so aggressive, it became pretty obvious that he's not seeing us staying together "forever" anyway!!

He does feel bitter about his ex taking half of what "He'd earnt" throughout the marriage as she never worked. He doesn't moan about maintenance payments though.

When I qualify I'll still be on less than him by more than £10k a year. At the moment we just pool the finances and pay for stuff from the joint account.

Something he said has stuck with me from last night though. If we were to split he's decided he'd want me to take 50% of the debt we have and pay 50% of the mortgage fee - that would amount to about £3k. He knows full well I'd only come out of this with about £2k yet he'd have around £21k in the bank not to mention the fact that he has no dependants AND earns A LOT more than I do .... yet he'd be happy to clean me out just so that it's "fair". Shows how much he loves me and cares for me doesn't it.

[JeanSeberg]

If we were to split he's decided he'd want me to take 50% of the debt we have and pay 50% of the mortgage fee

Ha ha, that's so ridiculous it's laughable.

There's a lot of things I want too; I won't be getting them either.

FGS get packing your stuff.

[perfectstorm]

If we were to split he's decided he'd want me to take 50% of the debt we have and pay 50% of the mortgage fee - that would amount to about £3k. He knows full well I'd only come out of this with about £2k yet he'd have around £21k in the bank not to mention the fact that he has no dependants AND earns A LOT more than I do .... yet he'd be happy to clean me out just so that it's "fair". Shows how much he loves me and cares for me doesn't it.

Also shows how selfish, entitled and bullying he is. Your name is not on that mortgage so in law you have absolutely no liability, any more than you have any claim, yet he'd be assuming you would pay half the costs? When he's the one who gets all the equity? Jesus.

Can see why he's divorced. He does not sound a prize.

[nochipsthanks]

You have my serious respect for your clear sightedness at seeing the truth now. It must be so hard.

Get packing. Every minute you waste is a lost minute.

[NurseScorned]

I just wish he'd be honest. I said that to him last night, if he doesn't want me named on the house...fine but at least have the balls to tell me! Anyway when I said that to him he started ranting on about how he REALLY wants me named on the house so that I can't screw him over and so that HE has protection against ME. ALongside this he wants me to sign my name to 50% of our debt (£2k of that is for a sofa he'd be keeping anyway, £500ish for some furniture which is finished paying for in 10 months and £2k is on MY credit card anyway!!) so hardly a great opportunity for me to "screw him over" and then he wants me to sign to say I'd pay 50% of any mortgage cancellation charges. It just smacks of "yeah I'll let you think I want to do it but will scare the shit out of you so much you'll wish you'd never started."

He doesn't seem to grasp that I'm not after anything I don't deserve - just my name to my home which I'm paying towards!!!!

[Hawkmoth]

Think of the money you've put in as rent. In a shite shared house. Wave goodbye.

[Twinklestein]

So he says he 'really wants you named on the house' not because he loves you and wants to do right by you, but so you 'can't screw him over'.

That is the measure of the man.

I'd forget about what you 'deserve', cut your losses, set up a separate bank account and start looking for somewhere for you and your kids to live away from this ghastly excuse of a human being.

[expatinscotland]

Pack up and leave ASAP.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Can you pack tonight, OP? Is there a friend or relation you can stay with?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"He doesn't seem to grasp that I'm not after anything I don't deserve - just my name to my home which I'm paying towards!!!!"

That will never happen, you do realise this don't you?.

What is his is his and what is yours is yours. Honestly, you need to leave this person asap, there is no future in this for you at all. I sincerely hope you have taken away some valuable lessons from all this because on some levels you have been too trusting and naïve.

[perfectstorm]

He doesn't seem to grasp that I'm not after anything I don't deserve - just my name to my home which I'm paying towards!!!!

Oh, I disagree, OP. I think he grasps those points very well. What he's hoping, in fact, is that you don't.

[DontmindifIdo]

Leave, don't put your name on the debt, anything that's been bought with your debt that you still owe (ie on your credit card) take with you. He can get a lodger. Walk away while you can still walk away.