Worried that DP is stringing me along a bit Re. Marriage

[NurseScorned]

I hate being all suspicious but I can't help it lately, I'm worried I'm being strung along by stuff that is really important to me.

When we first got together my partner said he definitely wanted to get married again, he likes the mr and mrs set up, he believed marriage was important although as he hadn't been divorced long (2 years) he would want to wait a while before taking the plunge - then when we moved in together all of a sudden he changed this to never wanting to get married, making out that I should have told him how important it was to me in the early days (I did!!) and that he "supposes" he "might" marry me at a much later date if we continue to "get on" and "work as a team". Now however it's constantly at the back of my mind that if I stay with him, I might have to resign myself to having never married despite it being so important to me. He never brings it up, never talks about it and makes me feel awkward if I bring it up. It's constantly on TV, marriage, weddings, romantic proposals, honeymoons - we're going to Thailand in August and our hotel has a special wedding/honeymoon page on the internet and he looked through the entire website and just missed that page out. When skipping through the hotel photos there was an air of awkward silence when the wedding pictures came up. I just sometimes feel that he's stringing me along. If he genuinely intended to marry at some point wouldn't that be a perfect conversation starter? If he doesn't want to get married, why can't he just tell me so I can make an informed decision about my future? It winds me up all the important dates throughout the year when friends/colleagues are expecting proposals - birthdays, valentines day, on holiday (can't get much more romantic /exotic than thailand!) yet I know deep down it will never happen for me, he'll never ask me no matter how perfect the setting. A woman at work today came in all excited, stuck her hand out and was wearing a beautiful engagement ring. Everyone was so excited for her and I started feeling quite emotional. My DP never buys me anything never mind a ring. I think one of his excuses before was the cost of a wedding - clearly bullshit when all I'd want is a quick service in the reg office, I'm not even after a posh dress - none of that matters to me and I just feel so rejected by him and just wish he'd be honest with me one way or another. I'm 33 and he's 42 - we're old enough to know what we want and time is moving on somewhat. We can't have kids so it's not about that (yet that's another thing I'm willing to sacrifice for him) but I won't compromise on marriage too. But how do I make him be honest? don't want to end the relationship if he genuinely intends to ask me soon - but don't want to be strung along either.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, this man has seen you coming, I'm afraid.

Let's look at what happened.

He was living alone (or with his kids), paying all his bills and doing all of his own housework.

He met you and persuaded you to live with him, with the vague promise that in the future he would commit to you. Frankly, you shouldn't have settled for this, not when you had children young enough to live with you. Just out of interest, were you renting prior to meeting him or were you on a mortgage?

So you moved in. You took over the housework, I'm betting. Yes, I'm sure he does do some, but be honest - how much do you do, percentage-wise?

You also paid a lot towards his bills. Only it wasn't just half of the water bill, half of the gas bill etc, was it? You were paying him rent and he, as the landlord, was paying that rent off on his mortgage, which of course he has the right to do.

So the consequence of his living with you was that he got housework done and someone to pay a proportion of his mortgage.

He also persuaded you that if you played your cards right, that if you became a worth person, he might, just might, marry you. You then felt yourself change, so that you were needy and worried.

He's not daft, is he?

He's not a prize, you know. He's not up for grabs. He knows he won't marry you - nothing wrong with you - he's living with you, after all, but he's got it really nice at the moment - someone to do his housework, someone to pay his mortgage... why on earth should he marry you?

Wake up and look at what you've got into. He could've said, "Look, I'm paying the bills anyway; put your money in a separate account and it can pay for the wedding." He didn't.

I think you are vastly underselling yourself. Why shouldn't he buy you presents? Why shouldn't you be worth marrying? Who the hell does he think he is?

[Suelford]

Why don't you ask him, rather than sitting on your hands hoping he asks you?

[Quinteszilla]

... and instead he is grumbling over selling stuff on ebay and moving a couple of quids over to pay bills.....

[SmallSherryforMedicinal]

I really hope you pack your bags and leave him. Grim situation that will only get more so. Don't waste your youth on this person.

[ImperialBlether]

How long have you been living with him? And what proportion of his mortgage are you paying?

[Helltotheno]

Well thanks guys, you have all pretty much confirmed what I was thinking, he has no intention if marrying me, he is looking out for his own interests, he doesn't want me to have legal claim on the house and isn't bothered that I'm sacrificing so much to be with him - kids, marriage, Christ even my rights to my home!

Exactly. So dump him tonight and post back tomorrow to tell us all you're free of him so we can celebrate on your behalf

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

Wow, you need to get out of this set up asap. There's nothing in it for you. House in his name, even though you are helping to pay off the mortgage. Afraid I agree with the others. There is no incentive for him to marry you. This set up works perfectly for him as it benefits him entirely, and he doesn't have to share any of the benefits with you. You have no security currently. He has strung you along big time, and will do so as long as you let him. Selfish man who had no scruples about lying to you and making promises he had no intention of keeping in order to get what he wanted. You need to put the security of your children and yourself first.

[jasmineramsden]

You deserve more than this, love. Everyone deserves more than this.

He's a nob.

Leave.

The end.

[eddielizzard]

yes, you have had the epiphany and it is quite clear that he doesn't consider you an equal partner. he's happy to have you around for housework, cooking, caring for his kids, contributing to the mortgage but he sure isn't going to give you anything in return.

a shit indeed.

i would start looking at moving out options tbh, but easy for me to say!

[VoyageDeVerity]

He sounds selfish and he's been very manipulative here with you!

Get out of this. You have time to have a joyful relationship.

[HoneyandRum]

He's not going to marry you - he's not interested.

Leave and find someone who does if that is what you want. Maybe next time don't move in together until you are married. Then you will know for sure.

[jeannie46]

You don't love him; you love the man you'd like him to be.

You've given us lists of things you don't love about him so what is left?

Nothing, only a fantasy man.

Just arrange a place for yourself and your children, leave him a note and go. Don't start having a row about it. It's far to late.

And, don't tell him where you are; block him on your phone and move on.

[magoria]

Oh dear

You have contributed heavily towards his mortgage, reducing his debt and increasing his equity which you have no right over and would have real difficulty in claiming you were owed a share but he moans and complains about putting in £40 from ebay.

He doesn't want to marry you. He cannot make that any clearer.

He doesn't want to put you on the deeds to his property.

If something happens to him you and your kids would more than likely be out on your arses asap with nothing to show for it. What protection do you have?

You are contributing towards a probably inheritance for his kids. Are the pair of you putting away similar between you for yours?

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

He is using you in every possible way, Nurse.

how do I make him be honest?
His not talking about it is him being honest, imho. If he was backed into a corner and forced to talk about it then he might feel he had to actually tell a real lie to you. At present, it seems he has you conditioned to (or you have chosen to) operate based on a comment made ages ago, which justifiably or not, has been casually dismissed by him. He may claim a comment made so long ago should not carry so much weight, all the while you have made damn huge changes to your/your dc lives based on that comment, from which he benefits...that is maddening. All for him and him for him.

love him, warts and all
Imho, this is a term of endearment. From what you have written, there is nothing at all endearing about this bloke.

The idea of making a private plan and moving on without discussion is completely appropriate in these circumstances.

Tossarse-ectomy

[NurseScorned]

Well I brought it up last night with him about the house, mentioned our plans to call the mortgage company on Friday etc - all as light hearted as pos - well he went into a major rant about how I'm only interested in protecting myself, he has no protection and if I was to bugger off or die - he wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage so would lose the house (you know when things suddenly start to become clear?!) so I agreed with him (!!) and suggested we get a deed of trust to cover us both - he carried on ranting saying I'm unrealistic and don't know what I'm on about and haven't thought about the big picture etc etc ... At one point he developed a scenario that we split and we'd agreed to put our names to half the debt and mortgage termination fees ... He said "I'll be alright cos I have £21k invested in the house ... You wouldn't though, it would fuck you right up". It almost sounded like a threat/warning.

I was like "I'm agreeing with you!!why you still arguining with me??" But he just carried on ranting.

Anyway we're still supposedly sorting out the house on Friday. In other news ... I no longer want to marry him :-D

[JeanSeberg]

So when are you moving out?

[TheDoctorsNewKidneys]

I assume you're moving out and leaving him in the shit as soon as possible, then?

[TeenyW123]

Many moons ago I took over a tenancy on a pub to please my then boyfriend. His dream, his vocation, my money.

He reckoned his dream was quite hard word (it wasn't). He asked me to step up and take over some of the duties of running a pub. If I did , he would marry me!

Death Knell. Who the fuck was he to put conditions on what should have been a mutually satisfying partnership? I actually had an easy get out as he left shortly after. I don't think he meant to personally, he just wanted a bit of a blow out with his scuzzy mates for a weekend to teach me a lesson about how hard it was to run a pub! And then I didn't let him back! I had a week or 2 of wallowing in misery. Friends/customers said 'Don't worry, he'll be back'. But I didn't want him back!

I picked up my self respect from around my feet like a pair of knickers with broken elastic. I ran that pub like I was Annie Walker! He phoned a couple of times to wheedle his way back but I told him to FOTTFSOFATFOABM (I didn't really; I said if he thought he had a leg to stand on because he thought he was my common law husband (!?!?) then to communicate with me via our solicitors). He called friends/customers hoping to hear I was making a pig's ear of things. I bet he was gutted to discover that a single, fairly attractive pub landlady had increased turnover and the pub was always heaving. Ah, happy days! And they were! So much more fun than when he was there with his face like a bulldog chewing a wasp!

Anyway, enough about my conditional marriage 'proposal'. Time for damage limitation for you. Get sorted and you won't look back.

[mrsoh79]

Christ nurse get the fuck out of there as quickly as possible, he really couldn't give a shit about you. x

[Optimist1]

I have a friend (we're considerably older than you) who has lived with her partner for more than 20 years. Her expectation when they bought their home together was that they would marry and have children, because this is what they'd discussed. His feelings about marriage changed to "why do we need a piece of paper to validate our relationship?" and being an amenable sort she went along with it. She recently told me that he'd always procrastinated about having children until she realised that actually she had become too old.

Now, I'm not saying that not being married or being childless are bad situations, but for my friend it isn't what she signed up for, and now she's getting older her regrets are becoming more obvious and it's sad. Don't let this happen to you.

[43percentburnt]

Hi nurse just read your thread. I'm sorry to say I agree you need to call it a day.

When you qualify will you earn more than he does now?
Does he perceive that he 'lost' money when he divorced his ex?
Does he moan about giving maintenance payments?
Do you buy the food?
Do you pay half of everything? Even if you currently don't bring in half the household wage?

I ask these questions as his comment on the ebay money, lack of wanting to get married, worries about putting you on the mortgage combined with taking money from you to cover half the bills smells to me like this is all money related.

Please don't go on the mortgage. That would be a nightmare to sort out if you decide you want out. Stop paying towards the mortgage, rent until you qualify, then save to buy your own place.

Expect promises of mortgages, marriages and god knows what else if you say you are leaving. You can do so much better. Find someone who is wanting to do this with you.

This man, if he marries you, will throw 'well I married you like you wanted' in your face during arguments etc.

[43percentburnt]

One more point 'if you buggered off or died he wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage'.

Hmm, life cover obviously (don't tell me he didn't bother with it - again very telling if he has kids).

Surely he can afford the mortgage on his own (I assume you were not releasing equity on Friday).

Very strange statement, can you clarify what he meant.

[Hissy]

I am minded of a song.

You say Tomayto, I say Tomato

You say "I love him warts and all" I say "you are allowing yourself to settle for someone who's completely beneath you and wasting your life"

"Let's call the whole thing offffff..."

:)

End it love, you're onto a loser.

[DontmindifIdo]

As you have 2 dcs, I wouldn't bother with the big show down, and I'd stall the house discussion on Friday, but look to find your own place and make plans to move out. He doesn't need to know these plans until you've got it sorted where you will go, your DCs deserve stability, and you don't want to risk him throwing you all out with nothing sorted for them if you tell him it's over sooner. Plus the atmosphere will be terrible, they don't need that.