Wife has no interest in me physically

[greenman99]

My wife and I have been together 11 years now and have three children aged 3, 6 and 8. Like any relationship and family we have our disagreements, irritations & stresses but overall I would say we have a happy family life together.

I work full time and my wife part time and we have plenty of support from our families. I would say I do more than my fair share of household duties, but then I suppose most people think that! I try to be a caring, considerate and supportive husband and dad. I’m not perfect by any means but I try my best. We get on well together, make each other laugh and have opportunities to be together alone regularly.

However a few months ago it became apparent to me that my wife never held my hand anymore, hugged or cuddled me, rarely kissed me apart from a goodnight peck and clearly didn’t really want to have sex anymore. In reality we haven’t had regular sex for quite a while (apart from when trying to conceive), probably since my wife fell pregnant with our middle child seven years ago. We certainly had more regular sex before our first child was born and after that but if I were to think about frequency over the last seven years I think perhaps we had sex every month or so. When she's been pregnant we've easily gone 9 months without sex which is completely understandable and acceptable.

It has been obvious to her that we haven't had much sex over the last few years as she acknowledges in bed 'that we must have sex soon' before turning over and going to sleep! When we have had sex it's clear she's not enjoying it and now niether am I because I know what she's thinking. I never pressurise her for sex.

When I raised the issue with her a few months ago - not just the lack of sex but the complete lack of physical contact - it didn't go down well. I said that I was beginning to resent her because of it and didn't want to be like that. I said I loved her and couldn't imagine not being with her but couldn't comprehend a life like this in the long term.

It was obvious what I said shocked her as she said she was happy just pottering along in life and admitted she's just not interested in sex anymore. I don't think she realised there's no other physical contact either. That was it. She said perhaps her feelings might change in the future but she didn't know and couldn't guarantee anything.

We've tried discussing the issue since then but have gotten nowhere. She finds discussing 'emotional issues' difficult upsetting and views them as confrontational. For me, perhaps what's worse than the minimal physcial contact, is that she feels no need to do anything about why she might feel like this - medical, physcological.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Has anyone been through and come out the other side? I'm at a loss on what to do.

Yes but... what if he just wants to be with the kids more? Is that unthinkable? What if someone just likes the daily cut and thrust of family life enough to deal with anything?

What about single people? They don't have hugs and affection on tap and many singletons I know have f$$$g fantastic lives! What about single parents, and I'm talking about the single parents (usually mums) who post here and say they're happy on their own thanks?

Ok this is possibly moot because I don't think the OP is happy with the current situation. The real question for him is would he rather take the current situation over one where he wasn't with his kids in the one house.

make a rule, an agreement. no sex, no cuddling, no touching for a month. (february is a good month. short).

rabbit you're missing the point. She doesn't fancy him any more. All the no sex rules and baths and date nights in the world won't make a blind bit of difference. He needs to take action!

I don't think it matters whether the issue is sex or who dries the dishes- ( though sex is of course nicer ) the issue is that the OP is being stonewalled by a partner who is constantly refusing to engage with him and discuss his unhappiness with something.

Maybe she hopes that this cold shoulder and her asking him to move out will, eventually, make him do just that.

But it's a very cowardly way to behave as well as being disrespectful.

"What about single people? They don't have hugs and affection on tap "

I'm a single person who is happy on their own. :) Also a lone parent. I may not have hugs and affection on tap but OTOH neither do I have to live with someone who is meant to love me but rejects me on a daily basis. It's relatively easy to adjust to being alone when it's your choice. Utterly soul-destroying to be with someone and still be lonely.. It's insulting.

I think one of the biggest myths is that physically and mentally healthy women who are affectionate and tactile with others are likely to resign themselves to lives without sex or partner affection.

If it's reasoned that their similarly disposed male partners are unlikely to want a life like that, I see no reason to assume that women would feel any differently.

Utterly soul-destroying to be with someone and still be lonely..

I'm sure it is for many, and obviously is for the OP, that's why it's important for him to take action. I don't think everyone sees this the same though. Some people need physicality more than others, it's as simple as that. And of course if two people are similar in that way, great. As someone said above, the fact that she doesn't acknowledge that a problem exists is the bigger part of the problem.

So has OP disappeared then, and here we are putting his life to rights

Poor thing, it's hard to confront the fact that you have to confront things, especially when they're such important things that they may lead to confrontation and the unknown... Hugs OP.

"Utterly soul destroying to be with someone and still feel lonely"

Couldn't agree more...

I was lonelier living with XH than I was when he moved out. I agree that having someone in the same room who won't touch or hug you is far harder to accept than sitting on your own or having a friend round to keep you company.

Whether it's sex or affection that's the problem, if the DW won't talk about it, it's over.

Am in a similar position to OP but gone on for much longer.
I have a lovely wife and my children are the most precious things in my life, but we have no intimacy. Sex is a couple of times a year and more functional that anything else . Having spent a very long time being rejected I've now lost interest and don't want to be physical at all
We've discussed in dozens of times, she just has no interest In sex, she says she knows the effect it has. But I don't think she really understand how deeply it impacts. I bet told I'm moody, I wonder why......
The last six month I've been fighting internally and can't go on like this. I know if we didn't have children we wouldn't be married anymore.

But feel so selfish as I'm putting my happiness ahead of hers and the children and am going to cause so much upset.

Fucking hate myself at the moment

( sorry had to get that off my chest)

fancying someone or not, after the first interest, is a matter of habit. they're out of the habit.
i'm not missing the point. they should do as advised, and they'd fancy each other just fine.

they should do as advised, and they'd fancy each other just fine

Not always that simple unfortunately. If you don't fancy someone, you don't fancy someone. If she wanted to do it, she'd be doing it. She's already told him she's quite happy to tip along the way things are (have you read the full thread?). I think your solution applies when people are run ragged with the general stresses of life and have lost sight of each other a bit. This is different. She's not tired or stressed out. In fact she has quite the happy contented little life by the sounds of it. She doesn't want sex with the OP and doesn't want to upset the status quo by acknowledging that's a problem (for him).

But feel so selfish as I'm putting my happiness ahead of hers and the children and am going to cause so much upset

Don't feel like that. Are you even friends? Are you friends to the level where you could have a non-confrontational, normal, even light-hearted conversation along the lines of 'how do you think it would be if we lived separately? Because I know you're not interested in sex any more but I didn't think I'd get to this point and be looking at no sex for the rest of my life. If we pulled together as a team and stayed friends, do you think that's something we could make work?'

If she knows it's affecting you, why is she assuming you'll stay? Has she not even considered the possibility you mightn't? Tbh that's the part I don't get. It's fine not to want sex but do people really take for granted someone will stay in those circs? Seems arrogant to me.

Your kids will be much happier if the two of you are living happy lives. Of course you could always go the secret affair route but that's not for everyone.

She is burying her head in the sand, if you ignore it, it will go away, it's been a very long time.

my children are happy, my wife is happy, she has a very simple view of the world ( sorry not being patronising, she does). In my more positive moments, I'd like to think what you said is possible.Problem is, it's applying a rational solution to an emotional problem.

I read the threads about people being distraught and on anti depressants after a break up and it makes me feel worse, how can i do this?

They wont have to move out of their nice big house, the children wont have to change school, but i love them so much it will tear me apart.
it's Hobson's choice.

Well if I were in this situation, I would definitely not rule out having a protracted secret affair. Why not? They do this in France all the time.

The more I read these boards, the more I'm convinced that relationships where people have kids should be just that: relationships to have kids, with the understanding that people will just coparent and bring up the kids while doing their own thing, relationship-wise.

Can't do it, couldn't deal with the deceit.
I know on paper it's the ideal solution. In the last heart to heart I did ask if she would mind if I had an affair and she said yes.
I did ask why, on the basis she has no interest, the answer was " because we are married"

I read this forum quite often, hoping for inspiration, so I know it's very biased and we are all bastards, but FFS what am I meant to do?

No most men aren't bastards actually. And most people have rather better internal moral compasses than to become liars with secrets because they don't want to leave a relationship that isn't working.

It's very different on the other hand if someone in your position BlOOdy said to your wife "Well I am going to pursue relationships outside the marriage" because then there is no deceit involved and the choice to put up with that or end the marriage is then available to everyone.

Again, thanks for the support and advice. Ultimately we both know this all needs resolving one way or the other which I think is why my wife doesn;t want to really address.

Since I first brought this up we have had a few strained conversations about it but the problem is there is no resolution - just frustation on both sides. And of course the possibility of separation looms large in the background of those discussions. I'm willing to try and sort through this but I sense she doesn't - which is obviously heartbreaking.

However I will ensure we do actually resolve it very soon. In response to earlier posts about whether I could accept a non-physical relationship - my answer would be no. And its not just the lack of sex. She has offered that and I said I don't want it if she is doing it out some misplaced duty. It's about getting some love and affection as part of a loving relationship. Its about respect for my feelings and needs. And whilst separating would be truly horrible for our family I cannot be happy going on like this would clearly affect our beautiful children if both parents disliked each other.

I know to some people I may sound a bit too weak but if you knew me you wouldn't think that - I'm just trying to be understanding and give everything I can to save my marriage.

I'm trying to be positive and try and find a path through is awful situation. I really hope we can.

green- all that your post shows is that you have tried- again- to talk, she wriggles out of it- and stalemate.

What next?

In your conversations with her , no matter how strained, have you mentioned splitting up on your terms, because of how this is impacting on you?

You see it sounds as if you are the only one in your marriage who wants it to move forward to a better place.

She though seems happy to have you bring home the bacon and put a roof over her head, and remain emotionally and physically remote.

You can't 'find a way through' with someone who has pulled up the drawbridge.

Can you talk to her about the practicalities of splitting up?
How are finances? Would you need to sell the house? Does she work? How would you each afford to live?

I think these are the kinds of chats that are needed because she appears to have zero interest in making the marriage any better, and I think she needs a wake up call about the consequences of her actions.

OP you don't sound weak. At least you have an action plan and you have defined the standards by which you want to live. I think it's very unnatural for two humans to cling on to the wreckage of a relationship that doesn't make sense any more, and it shouldn't be that one person gets to dictate the outcome.

Also, people put far too much stock in 'vows' and 'death do us part'. This is such a cop out, and using 'because we're married' as a reason is just lazy and entitled imo.

I do not think you sound at all weak either.

It is no point in trying to work with someone who has basically checked out of this marriage on emotional and physical levels. There are many reasons for her actions but by not talking and actively refusing to talk, she is being both very unfair and selfish here. You cannot save or rescue someone who neither wants to be rescued and or saved by you.

I would also talk to her about separating formally now.

BTW what do you think your children are learning about relationships from the two of you here?. What do you want to teach them about relationships?. Surely not this dysfunctional model of one.

Greenman,

What do you get out of this relationship with your wife now?. What needs of yours are being met here?.

Yeah, I too see the, 'because we are married', bit as a total shocker/entitled cow etc. That was from another poster though not the OP am I right? For the other poster though ^^ this would be the end as far as I would be concerned. You both sound like you need to get divorced as pleasantly as possible and find people that understand the basic human need for affection. One life, live it, as it says on the back of the Land Rover!

Greenman I have only skim read the thread so apologies if I am repeating what others have said.

I feel like I'm in a similar position. My DH has little interest in me physically. However, I think in his case it's mainly that he has a low sex drive. With the exception of the first year of marriage and when we've been actively trying for a baby, our sex life has been far less frequent than I'd like. I feel selfish for wanting more, as our relationship is excellent and he is a kind, loving DH who does everything I could want, except for the fact that we have very little physical intimacy. I have stopped trying and started to withdraw because the feeling of rejection hurts too much. I don't want to beg and plead for more sex - pity sex is not what I'm after - I want to have someone who is attracted to me. I don't think DH has issues with my post-baby body. Whilst I dislike my stretch marks, I have made my peace with my altered physical appearance and think I scrub up pretty well for someone who is expecting DC3 (though how this one was conceived is pretty much a miracle given the lack of sex...!)

Anyway sorry for going off on a tangent about my own relationship - only you can decide whether or not you can live with the lack of a physical relationship. Some can, some can't. It sounds like you're in the latter camp, which is absolutely ok. I've decided to try to battle on through, and personally can't justify breaking up my marriage because of sexual incompatibility. I guess I'm still hopeful that things may improve when the children get older, and for me, the other aspects of our relationship are too good for me to throw away.

I guess the difference here is that your DW appears to have checked out emotionally, and the reasons she uses for not wanting to be intimate don't quite wash, seeing as she loves going out late and socialising with others. It sounds like a serious conversation about separation, finances etc is needed. It may be the thing that is needed to jolt her into understanding just how serious you are about being unable to continue in this state of unaffectionate limbo. Your inability to live with the status quo is just as valid a viewpoint as her desire to keep plodding along and make no effort. (Sorry, not phrased that well but you know what I mean) She may make an effort, she may not, but she hasn't taken your attempts to change things seriously so far, so you need to take a different tack I think.

OP you could go round this circle forever - you need to cut to the chase. And see a solicitor, she has possibly thought all this through long ago and you need to get your action plan squared away.

I can totally relate to this situation but it makes me question if I am just selfish,
I have been with my wife 13 years, 6 Married. We have 3 children 13,9,4 and she also works part time over the weekend. Family life is hard and feeling tired is naturally going to to be an issue for her and I fully respect this, She is a fantastic mother to our children. Before marriage I would say we had a better physical relationship even with children, over the last 6 years not so much. I have to instigate all physical contact just to try to get her in the mood but I can just tell their is no interest, no fun and I belive she could easily not do anything. She is happy just to fall asleep all week having a love nothing more. She makes me feel bad if I talk about it or I'm angry about the situation by saying that's all I'm interested in even though sex happens on average twice a month at the moment. I have simply asked for one day a week where we spend a night together.
I have tried to spice things up by thinking about her, communicating more, massages and all sorts.
We have nearly separated several times during COVID as I feel I want more out of a relationship back physicality to feel close again, She likes sleeping and I'm up late most nights so we are two totally different people. I have been a dad since the age of 17 and at 35 I think I would like more than it is now as selfish as it sounds.
She does make me feel as I'm not wanted my killing my confidence even though I am a very confident person generally.

I have a stressful management job too and play my role looking after my children and running the household but still have the energy to put effort in to my marriage and Wife, dont believe she is the same.

Just wanted people's opinions if they have the same experience.
I have tried to work this out many times while things fall back in to the same routine and i feel divorce is on the horizon 😔