Wife has no interest in me physically

[greenman99]

My wife and I have been together 11 years now and have three children aged 3, 6 and 8. Like any relationship and family we have our disagreements, irritations & stresses but overall I would say we have a happy family life together.

I work full time and my wife part time and we have plenty of support from our families. I would say I do more than my fair share of household duties, but then I suppose most people think that! I try to be a caring, considerate and supportive husband and dad. I’m not perfect by any means but I try my best. We get on well together, make each other laugh and have opportunities to be together alone regularly.

However a few months ago it became apparent to me that my wife never held my hand anymore, hugged or cuddled me, rarely kissed me apart from a goodnight peck and clearly didn’t really want to have sex anymore. In reality we haven’t had regular sex for quite a while (apart from when trying to conceive), probably since my wife fell pregnant with our middle child seven years ago. We certainly had more regular sex before our first child was born and after that but if I were to think about frequency over the last seven years I think perhaps we had sex every month or so. When she's been pregnant we've easily gone 9 months without sex which is completely understandable and acceptable.

It has been obvious to her that we haven't had much sex over the last few years as she acknowledges in bed 'that we must have sex soon' before turning over and going to sleep! When we have had sex it's clear she's not enjoying it and now niether am I because I know what she's thinking. I never pressurise her for sex.

When I raised the issue with her a few months ago - not just the lack of sex but the complete lack of physical contact - it didn't go down well. I said that I was beginning to resent her because of it and didn't want to be like that. I said I loved her and couldn't imagine not being with her but couldn't comprehend a life like this in the long term.

It was obvious what I said shocked her as she said she was happy just pottering along in life and admitted she's just not interested in sex anymore. I don't think she realised there's no other physical contact either. That was it. She said perhaps her feelings might change in the future but she didn't know and couldn't guarantee anything.

We've tried discussing the issue since then but have gotten nowhere. She finds discussing 'emotional issues' difficult upsetting and views them as confrontational. For me, perhaps what's worse than the minimal physcial contact, is that she feels no need to do anything about why she might feel like this - medical, physcological.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Has anyone been through and come out the other side? I'm at a loss on what to do.

Sorry OP, that sounds very difficult. My Dp went off all forms of physical affection for a while when she was ill and it was awful. It made me feel so unloved and I felt like some sort of desperate sex pest just asking for a hug and kiss! It is so horrible being the one who always has to make the move or you feel that they are trying to constantly avoid you/it. Luckily for us once she felt better the affection, and to some extent the sex, did improve and I felt fine again. To be honest I realised that I actually could cope quite happily without the sex as long as dp was really affectionate with me. To live without either is really ,really depressing. I really hope she finds a way to express to you how she feels so that you can sort this out.

sorry, last sentence should have read it is probably worth looking past the sex at the dynamic of your marriage generally

Well if I had to guess I'd say the reason your wife doesn't want a conversation about this is because the truth would hurt too much.

I was struck by what you've noticed and what's actually happened only in recent months.

Three things.

You noticed a few months ago that all non-sexual affection had ceased.

You talked to her about it and she suggested you left to give her some space.

The last 3 times you've had sex in the preceding 9 months were awful.

Do you think it's possible she's met someone else and is possibly seeing him on these late nights out with friends you mention?

Because although it doesn't sound like her feelings about having sex with you have been there for a long time, what you're actually describing are changes.

There are usually reasons for that.

It could be that her feelings towards you have been getting progressively weaker over time and a few months ago, she just stopped bothering to conceal that as much as before.

Or it could be that another person has entered the picture and it's enabled her to feel even more negative about her relationship with you.

"Do you think it's possible she's met someone else and is possibly seeing him on these late nights out with friends you mention?"

That was my first thought as well.

Far more likely than any other reason brought up so far IMO.

Jeannie46 , mcmoonfucker – You might be right, perhaps I could be more supportive emotionally and something to ask her definitely. She did say recently that perhaps we both need to appreciate each other more. So you might onto to something. But I do tell her I love her, bring her presents, praise her, support her – all the time. Don't think it's my sexual approach but could be wrong – I've tried the romantic stuff like food, special trips etc. Doesn't seem to make any difference.

RalphLaurenLover – sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like it's the right choice for you to make. Just hope I don't get to that position.

Leavenheath, lazyjaney - unfortunately what you're saying chimes with my thoughts. God I feel sick in my stomach just thinking about it. I do know that on a couple of occasions when she's been out very late it's been in a bar with a male work colleague. When I pressed her further on the matter she said I was being silly and that he wouldn't be interested in her and they're just friends. And whilst I don't believe anything has happened I think it might have something to do with it. I know it's something I'll have to raise with her directly but am frightened where it might it lead. Although if she doesn't want me anymore I need to know however horrible it will be for us all.

Oh dear...

I'm afraid I think something has happened with this bloke and she's having an affair.

You could go for the direct approach and ask her outright, but given that she's already downplayed it (or lied) I don't think you're likely to get very far.

So my advice is to do some digging before confronting again.

Depending on how far things have gone with this other bloke and how you'd personally feel about forgiving an affair, sometimes blowing the whole thing wide open is just the catalyst that's needed to start afresh.

But it doesn't sound promising if your relationship hasn't been very sexual for years before this, I'm sorry to say.

Maybe this is what's needed though? Maybe you both need to start afresh apart?

God I hope you're wrong, but can't fault the logic. I don't think she's having a physcial affair but I do think there's some feelings there she's not being honest about. But you're right something to address with a clearer head. Thanks for the help.

Mate, no-one wants to believe that an affair has got physical.

But she's spending regular time with this bloke, there are loads of opportunities, you don't actually know they've been in a bar till the early hours and the fact is, adults who fancy eachother and have the opportunity, tend to get physical.

Christ, this must be bloody painful and you have my sympathy. But given the timescales you've outlined, I think if something's going on with this bloke, a physical affair is probably what you're dealing with.

By the way, I think it's revealing that she insisted this bloke wasn't interested in her. Not that she wasn't interested in him.

If the sexes were reversed on this post, the bulkmof opinion would be an affair is or will happen. And correctly so IMO.

All this getting her frisky by being an emotional and domestic superstar is bollocks. IMO whether the affair has started or is on the way is irrelevant, all the signs you've mentioned suggest she's checking out.

Get thee hence to a solicitor and start making your preparations.

It's clear green that she has detached from your marriage for a reason. Not only will she not have sex with you but she avoids talking about why, or even seeking help through counselling.

Often when this happens it's because the person knows the reasons why- they don't want to face up to them and rock the boat ( the family.)

If someone stonewalls you about something so important that says a lot. Like she isn't as keen to sort the problem as you are.

The man 'in the bar' is not a good sign.

How often does she go out on her own? what times is she coming home? Does she go out just to meet him or does she say she is with friends? Does she make a special effort with her appearance on those nights out?

Her suggestion that you move out is classic- classic for her having decided it's over, but not being able to be honest with you. Trying to soften the blow by making a separation sound temporary.

It's the 'Hollande' scenario in reverse- he asks for 'space' which is a cowardly way of not being honest.

Do not move out. If you do then it will make it easier for her to say you did and this could affect the division of your assets if you divorce.

You need to confront her and ask what is really going on and not allow her to wriggle out of it.

Man up and bit and maybe get annoyed a little? it's possible you are annoying her or she has lost respect because you are being too nice- sometimes women want a bit more alpha and bit less beta male!

"Man up"
"Get annoyed"
Seriously?

This all sounds very unequal. You bring her flowers, presents, treats, pay her compliments and everything else you mention and she is virtually ignoring you and your well being.

You say all this has been slowly building up over the years. Years during which she has basically got everything she wanted, I'm guessing: house, kids, decent standard of living. I'm very sorry to say you are now surplus to requirement.

I know a few women who go out socialising a lot. They are all unhappy in their relationships. I don't think it necessarily indicates an affair, though.

I'm really sorry but I don't think you can do any more. I personally would be doing less. She's treating you badly and behaving badly. Being intimate and affectionate is a normal and natural expectation of marriage and the kids will grow up and go their own way soon enough.

I guess you just have to decide if this really is enough for you. Probably not. Then tell her. But if you do you do run the risk that she will tell you some things that will be hard to hear.

Good luck.

She's not keen on counselling but has asked that you move out (supposedly for space). 'm sorry but your wife has checked out of your marriage and doesn't have the guts to end it. I have no idea where you go from here but you will have to ask her to be more honest than she has been, she's disrespecting you by lying.

Sorry to read about your problems, had a very similar experience. I tried to be better, more supportive, patient and understanding, considerate etc and it didn't work. I was "given" sex as birthday and Christmas presents which made me happy for a short time, but then much worse. After I started having nightmares about the situation I decided to look at my DW's emails, she had been having an affair for 12 months.

My advice would be to assume she isn’t having an affair, but check thoroughly just to make sure. Don’t spend months in denial like I did.

She is really being unfair to you OP.

I don't really have an opinion on whether I think she is having an affair.

Regardless, something has to change, for your sake. At the very least she ought to have the decency to talk to you about it.

Good luck.

Some wives are up for sex with their husbands throughout their entire lives but others shut the door as soon as all the required kids have slid out of it.

Some husbands are seen by their wives as red-hot lovers while others are seen simply as sperm-donors.

That's life.

Hate to say it but this was exactly how I felt about my DH 18 months ago - I was 'friends' with someone else, which eventually led to me telling my DH i didnt love him anymore.

Hope this is not the case for you. You really need to talk to her (or check her phone!)

I think she's at least having an emotional affair, if not a sexual one. I was in a similar position a couple of years ago. Had completely lost interest in sex with H but was fantasising about a male friend of mine. Went out with him and our DCs on days out, had coffees on a 'purely platonic' basis, I even tried to set him up with a friend of a friend (see, purely platonic!) but all the while I was comparing him to my H and wishing I'd married someone more like him.

When my marriage ended I went on an actual date with him and kissed him, it fizzled out, but I think it was a necessary catalyst to spur me into action instead of stagnating with XH.

I've since met a new man and have the most amazing sex of my life with him several times a day. When people say that women go off sex after having DCs that may be true, but it doesn't take much to reawaken that desire. Being treated like a goddess by someone who comes with none of the baggage of a long term relationship together is a tempting prospect for us all.

I think that you should be most concerned that your DW's justification for not having an affair is that HE wouldn't be interested in her! And also the avoidance of any physical contact with you when she's happy to hug and kiss others says this is not just about personal space or sex itself, it's her whole relationship with you which is in question. If she's not willing to discuss that then I'm afraid it looks bleak.

Hi OP , I'm in similar situation to you , no physical attention in the slightest and no emotional attention either .
This had gone on for a couple of years and i put this down to young kids , work , life styles etc... So did my best to be a father/ husband over this time . I then discovered she had been watching porn on a daily basis , this nearly destroyed me !
To cut a long story short ( I have already spoke in othe threads ) , we are now almost a year after me discovering her habits . She claims she dosent do it anymore but there is still no intimacy or emotion in our relationship and I have given up trying . It really hurts me to say this but I now think what life would be like with someone who can show affection towards me ( not just sex , but just a hug or a peck on the cheek ) . I am approaching 40 in a couple of years and cannot / will not spend the next 20/30/40 years of my life in a miserable relationship like this .
Maybe it is to be that we are not meant for each other , I don't know ?

Green, I have no desire for my husband at all and only do duty sex, I hate it and try to avoid it as much as possible. We probably manage 3-4 times a month at the very maximum. We have been together about 17 years, I just don't fancy him any more.
We do cuddle, hold hands, say I love you, have great nights out, laugh a lot etc, and I do love him, he is a great husband in all ways, kind, generous, does not shirk his domestic responsibility etc. We don't have kids.
He not bad in bed at all but even the thought of him kissing me makes me cringe.
He compliments me, I know he loves me with all his heart and it would break him if I ever left.
I have no problem desiring other men so I know it is not a mis match of libido.
Sorry, I don't have anything constructive to say.

Haven't read the whole thread but it seems she's sleeping around on her 'girls night out.'

She is just not attracted to you and just give up. You have it you your best shot but there is nothing you can do.

The sappy guy is not attractive. Forget about sex with her and just concentrate on yourself and kids.
Go to the gym, join a sport and be a bit of a dick tbh.
Work on yourself esteem.
When a woman is attracted to you, you will know it!

You won't want to hear this & I apologise if it upsets you but this is exactly how I was with my exh.
After our 1st child was born we rarely had sex.. I just didn't have the urge to. I loved him but there was no spark & I think my lack of self confidence was an added issue.
The last 2 years of our marriage we slept separately although I can remember us having sex once during that time.. I think I looked upon it as my last attempt at saving things... It was awful, I couldn't wait for it to be over. I remember in one heated conversation about our lack of intimacy he asked me if I knew when the last time I touched him, kissed him or even hugged him... I couldn't remember but he said 7 months!!! I was very sad at the thought of it never even entering my head to show my husband (who on the whole was a good husband) the slightest affection, it should have been the most natural thing in the world!!

It wasn't a hormonal thing as in the 2 relationships I've had since we split the sex has been regular & enjoyable.

I'm not sure if we would have had some marriage therapy it would have saved things but in hindsight I wish I'd have given it a try.

I should add that even during tough times with XH and even though there was often a sex drought for several months, we would still have a hug once or twice a day and kiss each other hello, goodbye, goodnight etc.

I truly think that without that stuff then of course sex will be rubbish, it's the moments of affection through the day that set the scene for sex later.

I remember complaining once that he never sat next to me on the sofa, always on the other side of the room.

When DP and I sit next to each other we inevitably end up stroking each other's arms or legs, having a quick grope hug during the adverts and it makes us feel closer. Without that there's no intimacy on which to base a sexual relationship.

OP I feel for you, I have lived through that situation, with him ignoring it and me continually pushing and prodding (for no gain) and unfortunately I stayed longer than I should. HE then had an affair and our marriage ended.

But back to you, that's a very valid point about asking her directly about what improvements could be made in your lives, what she wants out of life. Are there things that she wishes you could do better. And if you are able to listen (and you are obviously loving and caring, or you would not be here)... and empathise, that's the big word here, it may start to soften her physically. A little emotional tenderness goes a long, long way. The bedroom can be for pillow talk, nose to nose, close physical contact (ie don't just go to bed when you're tired), massage etc.

Unfortunately she will need to talk about it, either to you, counselling maybe, or I don't know where a couple goes from here. Sorry OP, I really think you're amazing for seeking advice here. You have emotional needs that are clearly not being met but you are still trying to find a way through. Good luck.

And yes, post 3 children and thanks to my sport and the gym in recent years I got my body back. Happier now with it than ever before although I have parts that will never be what they were, those are the bits my boyfriend kisses and tells me are his favourite. Smooth talker. :)