Wife has no interest in me physically

[greenman99]

My wife and I have been together 11 years now and have three children aged 3, 6 and 8. Like any relationship and family we have our disagreements, irritations & stresses but overall I would say we have a happy family life together.

I work full time and my wife part time and we have plenty of support from our families. I would say I do more than my fair share of household duties, but then I suppose most people think that! I try to be a caring, considerate and supportive husband and dad. I’m not perfect by any means but I try my best. We get on well together, make each other laugh and have opportunities to be together alone regularly.

However a few months ago it became apparent to me that my wife never held my hand anymore, hugged or cuddled me, rarely kissed me apart from a goodnight peck and clearly didn’t really want to have sex anymore. In reality we haven’t had regular sex for quite a while (apart from when trying to conceive), probably since my wife fell pregnant with our middle child seven years ago. We certainly had more regular sex before our first child was born and after that but if I were to think about frequency over the last seven years I think perhaps we had sex every month or so. When she's been pregnant we've easily gone 9 months without sex which is completely understandable and acceptable.

It has been obvious to her that we haven't had much sex over the last few years as she acknowledges in bed 'that we must have sex soon' before turning over and going to sleep! When we have had sex it's clear she's not enjoying it and now niether am I because I know what she's thinking. I never pressurise her for sex.

When I raised the issue with her a few months ago - not just the lack of sex but the complete lack of physical contact - it didn't go down well. I said that I was beginning to resent her because of it and didn't want to be like that. I said I loved her and couldn't imagine not being with her but couldn't comprehend a life like this in the long term.

It was obvious what I said shocked her as she said she was happy just pottering along in life and admitted she's just not interested in sex anymore. I don't think she realised there's no other physical contact either. That was it. She said perhaps her feelings might change in the future but she didn't know and couldn't guarantee anything.

We've tried discussing the issue since then but have gotten nowhere. She finds discussing 'emotional issues' difficult upsetting and views them as confrontational. For me, perhaps what's worse than the minimal physcial contact, is that she feels no need to do anything about why she might feel like this - medical, physcological.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Has anyone been through and come out the other side? I'm at a loss on what to do.

OP, how does your wife look at the moment? Appearance wise, is she happy with her figure, etc? Does she have confidence?

I ask this because after I had my child and was still carrying a bit of baby weight, my self esteem was rock bottom and no matter how much my DP flattered me and did nice things and told me I looked great, I knew I didn't and I sought affirmation from others... Shames me to say, but if a man came on to me in a flirty way, I thought it was wonderful, and that I "still had it".

I don't necessarily agree that your DW is having an affair, but I think she may be enjoying a bit of attention from someone other than your unconditional love.

Talk to her and nip it in the bud

This sounds so hard and it's clearly painful - I suggest that it needs to be resolved one way or the other soon! I have been in a similar situation and have not been near my husband for years! We still sleep in the same bed but that is as close as we ever get and I often stay up as late as possible to avoid any type of interaction. This arose because I became angry with him over a number of issues & although he is a very caring and considerate person, he is also very stubborn and often invalidates my views but wonders why I would not talk to him. It did not help that I had a couple of episodes of depression and at those times I wouldnot speak to him for weeks! But I have never wanted to end our marriage because I haveno interest in being with anyone else, and I could not cope with the impact on our child and all the other hassles. However our misery has had an impact on our child and neither of us is in a good place most of the time - we hardly do anything together anymore, we don't even watch tv together or sit in the same room when she is not with us! It's an incredibly lonely existence and I think we would have both been better off if we had called it a day long ago! Perhaps she needs the shock of an ultimatum and she needs some pressure to help her decide what she wants!!?!?

Again, thanks for your advice and thoughts. It's a horrible situation to be in and I really feel for those of you going through or have been through similar.

I really don't think she's having an affair but I do think she's attracted to this guy she works with. And you know I think that's normal, I would acknowledge that people can find others attractive and be OK with that. However what hurts is when she's not honest about who's she's out with as it makes me think that she is hiding something from me.

I know there is clearly scope for me to be more emotionally understanding of her. It appears she finds me too 'unemotional' at times. A couple of other things to mention which may support this theory - she had a cancer scare last year which involved some minor surgery on her leg. This really affected her as it made her think about her mortality. Statistically the chances of her dying from it are almost the same as mine - however IMO she dwelt too much on that side of it. A lot of crying etc. She clearly wanted crying from me, more 'emotion' and whilst I provided support it's in my character to look on things positively. I thought that was the best way for us all to get through it.

Bodywise - I think she's looks great. And most would agree. However she has said she hates looking at her breasts as they've been affected by breastfeeding three kids. She only stopped feeding our youngest a year ago after two years of bf-ing.

So, clearly there are some contributing factors, and things to explore further if she will actually talk about them! Generally she prefers quick fixes to things and is clearly daunted that this might be an ongoing process to sort out. However I do find it hard that it seems to be up to me to try and find a way through all this - that I have try and make all the changes. And I will because I love her but I know we are both finding the situation very difficult and sometimes it appears easier not to address the situation because it's painful isn't it.

If she cuddles everyone else except you then you're the problem. She's withdrawn from you. The rest sounds like a lot of window-dressing.

^^
Why is the OP "the problem" here?

I think Cog meant that the OP is the problem from his wife's perspective. Not the OP is the problem that needs fixing. It sounds like he's doing everything he can, but she still has issues with him, ergo He is "the problem" for her.

Greenman, lots of good advice here. Can't add any more, keep posting, keep getting advice and support from the folk here, their collective experience is extraordinary (or rather it isn't, mores the pity).

Sorry OP, that last post sounded very wet. She has you exactly where she wants you and its clear nothing is going to change until you start to make it clear it has to.

(I meant OPs last post...)

I think you need to ask her for a sit down face to face honest conversation and as she will not start then you will have to open it with something like, 'do you want to separate?' It will be scary but things can't go on as they are for you Greenman and your directness may jolt her in to realising that she does need to make changes. It may, of course lead to your separating but that's the way it's looking anyway.
I would miss the daily affection as much as the sex. I have been married 11 years but we are very demonstrative. If one of us is having a sad day, a shoulder rub or a hand hold is the the most human thing we can do for each other. I'm not telling you to 'man up' as I do not think from your posts that you need to. Be direct, show you are hurt, tell her you love her and take it from there whatever the path. Good luck.

My marriage was nice, non-confrontational, we were good friends, but also cold, not affectionate, lack of sex, etc. And you do start to question whether it's you after so many years. But I wanted more and made the jump and post divorce, my relationships (not loads btw!) have been nothing but loving and physically affectionate. The sex with my dp is excellent and frequent and tbh, we do have problems that have made me question our relationship (kids/stepkids) but that doesn't exhibit itself in distance or coldness. Sure we argue over these issues, but we're very close physically. There's no exclusion zone or withdrawal. We are not married so we both know that either of us could walk at any time. We also don't see each other as mom or dad so we are just boyfriend/girlfriend and that's nice. I discovered that I do need love and affection, loads of it, I need to give it and I need to receive it.

My point being that maybe she's not having an inappropriate relationship, maybe it's just a case of messed up chemistry. Either way, she owes you to talk about it. It's no fun to live like that.

OP, there are two sides to every story and posters are making dangerous assumptions based on hearing only one side. These assumptions will plant seeds in your mind/imagination which will have an impact on how you proceed. We are faceless strangers who do not know you or your wife.

I would advise sitting your wife down and telling her the situation is unhealthy for both of you. She absolutely has to talk to you. Burying her head in the sand and finding it too upsetting to discuss is just not good enough.

Your feelings are every bit as important as hers, by ignoring your feelings she is showing a complete lack of respect.

If you genuinely believe there could be some truth in her having been unfaithful, for your own sanity, find some proof. The truth, however difficult to face, can be dealt with. Not knowing will eat away at you.

Please talk to your wife. Make her listen. You get one life. Don't settle for an unhappy one.

I truly hope you find happiness.

Sorry, I should have said some posters, there is, as always, some very good advice being offered.

Yes, didn't express myself very well. 'The problem' is the relationship between the DW and the OP. It's not physicality... the DW is quite tactile by the sound of it. The OP doesn't appear to be inherently repellent if I can put it that way. There are body image issues but - let's face it - who doesn't have a few of those? So there's a reason the DW has withdrawn physically and it's wearing a little thin to keep blaming fatigue or appearance or whatever else gets in the way. The DW has some kind of individual problem with the OP if they can't even bring themselves to give him a hug and, until they are honest and articulate what the real reason is, nothing is going to change.

Of course it's normal to be attracted to others.

Of course she also knows that you take that entirely sensible view and by the sounds of it, are not plagued by feelings of paranoia, jealousy and possessiveness.

Therefore it's not normal to lie either by commission or omission who she is with on these late nights out.

A brush with mortality is a recognised trigger factor for an affair, so what you write doesn't surprise me OP.

I do think you're being naive about what's happening with this bloke. Affairs at work are hardly rare events after all.

Much rarer in fact are otherwise tactile women who have no need of sex for years at a stretch.

I'm sure it's less painful in the short term to put your head in the sand and not press for change.

But long term? Not at all.

You need to be a lot more curious, inquisitive and brave. You also need far more information than you currently have in order to make any decisions about your life.

OP Unless you are lacking true self awareness and have a totally skewed picture of how life is at home, you seem to be bending over backwards to do and say the right things.

Sometimes, the more people try the more the other person pulls away- almost a passive aggressive act.

It appears that your wife holds all the cards here- she has an admirer ( or more), a social life outside home, a DH who loves her, but whom she refuses to discuss issues with.

The balance of power is all one way.

You need to reclaim it- maybe by not being so keen to make it all work? maybe she needs a shock and you need to say the marriage is over unless you can start to talk about the issues around sex?

I understand about her brush with cancer but hey- hang on- it wasn't cancer - it was something that could have developed so I think she's milking that incident for all it's worth. Your reaction seemed typically 'male' and fair enough really. FWIW when I am upset, my DH doesn't cry with me, but looks on the positive and looks for solutions- I used to think this was uncaring but have since read it's how men respond.

You're letting her off the hook by allowing her to walk away when this all needs airing . Why can't you make her stay in the room with you- or follow her if she walks out-and not let her avoid the topic? And be a bit bolder?

Not all men respond in the same way to a partner's distress or fear and no-one can make someone have a conversation if they don't want to engage.

However, everyone's entitled to make decisions based on that lack of engagement.

And?

Sure he can't make her have a conversation- but he can change his behaviour if she doesn't.

You can't change or make anyone do anything- but you will react to whatever they do or don't do.

The error is to carry on with the same behaviour and expecting it to produce a different outcome.

I was responding to this in your previous post of course:

Why can't you make her stay in the room with you- or follow her if she walks out-and not let her avoid the topic? And be a bit bolder?

I agree with your revisionist last post.

"The error is to carry on with the same behaviour and expecting it to produce a different outcome"

Plus

"You need to be a lot more curious, inquisitive and brave"

Nails it. And IMO her actions are speaking far more loudly than any words (or lack thereof).

IMO the sequence now is:

• Solicitor, to understand your options and best approaches

• Sort out in your head what outcome you want in the future, and a sequence of steps.

• Sit her down and at least communicate your point of view, and what is going to happen unless things change.

If this goes nowhere then its down to you suck it up, split, or shag someone else while staying in the marriage for the kids, (like many people do in this situation IME)

Still see a solicitor though, no matter what else you do, so you know the things you have to do to secure your future and access to kids.

The balance of power is all one way.

I agree. Get tough here OP.. no more Mr. Nice Guy. Think about what you want longterm and how you can make it happen. Your wife has the kids now and she's not into the gig any more. You were the sperm donor, you were the one who was there during the poopy nappies and baby illnesses and the day-to-day mundanity: for your trouble, she now doesn't see you sexually any more, you've served your purpose. Not your fault.

Can you do anything about this? I honestly think the only chance you have is to stop with the touchy feely ideas of sitting her down gently for an in-depth discussion: that ship has sailed. Instead, first of all, think about how you can live separately and coparent, then tell her that things as they are don't work for you and you want to separate. Give her a time frame within which to stop this happening, but a very limited one. Don't present the argument as 'I this' and 'I that'.. make it about her, i.e., 'Look you don't want a physical relationship any more and I do. I don't want to force this on you if it's not what you want so I'd prefer coparent separately' or similar. You'd probably find that if you did leave, reality would bite and she might see things quite differently (or not though, that's the risk).

Of course if you can't face that and don't want to leave the children etc, then really it's quite simple: you choose family life over a sex/physical life and you need to make that decision and come to terms with it. People do this all the time; I don't any of us should be deceived by the micro-world that is MN, where it's absolutely unthinkable to be in an LTR in which you're not ripping the kaks off each other 24/7!! Many people do make the choice to stay together in circs similar to yours and rub along quite nicely doing so. Again, you need to decide what's most important to you.

"it's absolutely unthinkable to be in an LTR in which you're not ripping the kaks off each other 24/7"

Ripping kaks off, maybe not. But to go the rest of your life without a hug from your spouse? That's got to be unthinkable, surely?

It's not ideal Cog, but from the microcosm of MN (and it's partial reflection of RL) it's not exactly unusual either.

People waste their lives in this kind of wretched existence all the time.

Sure, for most. I guess even a couple of friends bringing up children would hug each other now and again!

In a sense though, these threads aren't really just about the hugs and affection are they? When it boils down to it, OPs like this are usually talking about sex, ie, if the OP was offered hugs and affection and no sex in this relationship for the rest of his life, would that solve the problem? Would that be enough for him? Would he still be posting? See, he probably would, wouldn't he?

Not that he'd be wrong to of course... but that brings it full circle: it's still up to him to decide what it is he wants. I'm sure his wife could bring herself to dole out some affection faced with the option of him leaving altogether.. but is that enough for him? That's why it's so important for him to work out what he is willing to put up with (or without).

Of course it's not just about hugs and affection. Of course the OP wants sex. But a simple hug or a kiss on the cheek is about the most basic prerequisite of what distinguishes a close human relationship from being in the same room with a random stranger. I could not hand on heart suggest anyone went along with being treated like a random stranger in his own home, just so that he could be under the same roof as his kids.

don't sneak up and cuddle her.

make a rule, an agreement. no sex, no cuddling, no touching for a month. (february is a good month. short).

arrange childcare. start dating your wife. do nice things together. no touching, even if you both want it. imagine yourself telling her 'no, we have to wait' and meaning it.

weekends away. book at two. luxurious as possible. no touching. talk as much as you like. read books and magazines to each other ( you know the kind). watch films. at your level, nothing that would upset either of you. if the first weekend goes well, you can try some massage (nice oils, no intimate touching) of each other during the second.

by that time, you should both be ready to book the third weekend away. early in march.

remember sex is a 24/7 activity, so your care and concern for her wellbeing and pleasure has to be apparent from the moment you wake up until the moment you sleep. even on work days.

you're working to change a mind-set. when you've done that, enjoy.