Bullying H ... I'm now terrified to express an opinion

[januarycat]

... but I can write it down here ...

I have been on mumsnet for a while, but had to namechange as my SIL is a mumsnetter.

If I express a different opinion to H he becomes extremely unpleasant. He isn't physically violent, but he bullies me until I agree with him. I think he gets a kick out of it as sometimes I can feel myself physically shaking.

Sometimes I am too scared to even express an opinion, not just in front of H but in everyday life - I didn't used to be like this.

I'm a SAHM, we have 2 DCs, the youngest is 2. I have a teenage DS from a previous relationship. H & I have been together 10 years, married for 5. When we met I was about to move to a different town & embark on a full time career after completing a degree. I fell pregnant but there has always been something that I felt 'wasn't quite right' about the relationship.

H & I live in seperate houses. The house I live in, we own jointly. I live with the children, he lives with a friend (male) from bording school. Last month I found out that the plans that he had to pay off the mortgage (repayment) were non existant. Last weekend I found out what I thought was my car, actually isn't (I am the registered owner & he refinanced it a couple of months ago) & has now arranged a buyer for it. DVLA have advised me he can't do this without my permission. H says he can, can anyone advise me on this?

I know that the money from the car will be 'invested' in an offshore company. [disposal of an asset??]. H says he needs it to pay the bills.

Yet, over the past 3 months he has spent over 10k on holidays for himself & our oldest DC & a training course for his career (he is 62yo - I'm 20yrs younger). I asked if I could have money to take youngest DC on holiday & he said he couldn't afford it. He is also in the process of setting up a 'business'.

I have over the years subsidised our income with my savings, even though I do not work outside the home.
I now have £38 pounds left on my overdraft. He last paid money into my account 5 weeks ago. The direct debits for bills are due this week. He bought some food yesterday for us (the basics, enough to last a couple of days), I was embarrassingly greatful, I almost forgave all his past shitty behaviour. Even when H opened the fridge & said to DS - 'oh dear!! mummy doesn't have steak, come to daddys house for dinner'. H eats out at least 5 days a week.

This situation needs to change. I need to find the courage to stand up for myself & the DCs.

I feel that its similar to an abuser who hits someone in places where the bruises won't show - to the outside world he is successful, a high earner, etc etc while behaving in a way that has left me unable to express all this verbally - I know I should to women's aid, a solicitor, cab.

Where do I go from here?

Change the lock on the front door and file for divorce. Email him and tell him you will only be contacting him by email from now on.

I agree with the PP that, whatever else you do, give Womens Aid a call 0808 2000 247 and ask if they can recommend any solicitors locally that specialise in divorces where there is financial, emotional and other abuse. Make the appointment and express yourself verbally to them

That's not a house you're living in, it's a cage. I'm so sorry.

I'm confused, how is this a marriage?
You really need to see a solicitor.

"Last weekend I found out what I thought was my car, actually isn't (I am the registered owner & he refinanced it a couple of months ago) & has now arranged a buyer for it. DVLA have advised me he can't do this without my permission. H says he can, can anyone advise me on this?"

As you are the registered keeper, he cannot sell the car without your permission or take out loans using it as collateral. Again, a solicitor would be able to advise. In the meantime, DVLA may be able to put some kind of block or alert on it... but I'm not sure about that.

can I ask why you don't live together?

This in itself is a positive for you - you can remove him from your house without having to throw him out iyswim.

But second filing for divorce, also call the police re his selling your car - he can't do that as it's registered in your name so his selling it is theft.

Think of it as taking the next step - you already don't live together, now all you have to doo is to get rid.

My gast is flabbered. Please seek help. NOW!

He lives with his old school pal and acts like a single guy, tosses a bit of money your way every so often and brings a bit of food... i dread to think how it goes when he wants to have his leg-over. It's like he's keeping you as a pet. Reminds me of Julia Roberts' speech in Pretty Woman

"When I was a little girl, my mama used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would- I would pretend I was a princess... trapped in a tower by a wicked queen. And then suddenly this knight... on a white horse with these colors flying would come charging up and draw his sword. And I would wave. And he would climb up the tower and rescue me. But never in all the time... that I had this dream did the knight say to me, "Come on, baby, I'll put you up in a great condo."

Thank you for replying.

I have a feisty 2 yo to entertain at the moment (just woke from nap), but will be back on later this evening. Is women's aid open 24/7? I am scared of actually 'talking' to someone.

Yes their lines are open 24 hours. Sometimes they're quite busy however so you might have to try a few times before you get through or they call you back. Why are you scared of talking? Do you think he'll find out and get nasty? Or are you worried that, if you say it out loud, it makes the problem real and you'll have to do something about it?

Do you have family?

Oh you poor thing. I feel dreadfully sorry for you. Please call women's aid. If you feel you'll get tongue tied, have your post ready to read from. Your situation is horrific.

"Sometimes I am too scared to even express an opinion, not just in front of H but in everyday life - I didn't used to be like this".

Am sure you were not - but your abusive H has put you where you are now. He wants you like this and enjoys seeing you suffer so. He has put you in a cage of his own making.

Also what sort of relationship model is being shown to the children and what do you want to teach them about relationships?. His treatment of you is abusive and has been that way too for some considerable time.

The only way forward for you is to speak to Womens Aid and let them help you get away from this person. Please call them today; they can and will help you. You also need decent legal advice.

WA is there 24/7; its actually part of their phone number. Cogito has already listed their number for you. Make that call asap, the first step out is often the hardest one to take but take it you must. You cannot live like this and nor can your children either,

Contact Women's Aid and find a way to get him out of your life

this man hates women, doesn't he

I think you should do a bit more digging into the "relationship" he has with the male friend he resides with, I am sorry to say

Please see a solicitor and speak to womens aid if you can.

I was also going to ask about the relationship between him and his "flatmate".

Good god this is awful. He's treating you like the other woman, actually scrap that as he'd probably treat 'the other woman' with more respect. To him you're a thing that has provided him with children and his end of the bargain is a roof over your head and a bit of food and money when he can be arsed. He'll probably bin you once he doesn't require your nannying services any longer. Please, please, please get a divorce and tell him where to go. As for him living with an old friend from boarding school, that's really odd, normal married men live with their wives and children. I suspect they are lovers.

I would get some legal advice sooner rather than later.

Jesus! The only guy i know who lives apart from is wife has a 'marriage of convenience' (it was so he had a heir) and lives with his true partner (male). Now you have me wondering if she actually knows it was a marriage of convenience...

This farce is beyond abusive, I really hope you manage to get out. Oh, and if he hands your car over to anyone else against your genuine wishes...report it stolen (it will cause a heck of a stink to put it mildly).

1- call benefits agencies and apply for child tax credit and income support as a lone parent
2- contact women's aid
3- contact a solicitor (women's aid will recommend one)
Good luck. He's an awful, awful man.

I have emailed his to ask if he can pay some money into my account for the bills & food. I suspect that I won't get any until I hand over the car keys. He told me I should think very carefully about disagreeing to it.

A couple of you asked why we live in seperate houses. Good question, it's because when I divorced my first husband (verbally, financially & emotionally abusive - yes, there is a pattern) I decided that I would never live with another man again.

As for the 'friendship' with his housemate ... I have wondered. In the past I did point out to H that I do all the hard work while he enjoys a gay bachelor lifestyle. He told me I was being thick. (he was right).

I'm trying to build up the courage to phone women's aid. I will when the DCs have gone to bed. I have to. I am scared of talking about it because it will make it 'real'.

OP, you are so lucky not to be living with him.

I wonder why you are scared to talk about it, when he doesn't live with you.

Do you realise how much better off you would be if you divorced him? Google "Entitled to calculator" - there you can work out what you would get by means of tax credits etc.

He sounds the most horrible, selfish man. I am horrified for you, but you really are in a different position to other woman here because you don't have to tell him to leave. Yes, you'll have to tell him it's over, but you won't have to tell him to get out.

Um, newsflash... it's real. Even if nobody except you in the world knew about it, you'd still be short of money to buy the necessities of life and under pressure to let him sell your car, whereupon you may or may not get some of the money from your own possession to buy yourself and your children food with. If you tell someone it may become less real, because they can help you out of it!

It's already real. You have already taken the first, often the most hardest of steps to get out, by writing on here.

You are wrong - you are not thick. You were taken in by a cruel man who put up a good image to you.

Talking to Womens Aid will be of great benefit to you and will not make things any worse. You are not as powerless as you perhaps think you are and he is not above the law of the land.

They will support you too.

Life can be so difficult and confusing, its often difficult to know what to do for the best - you decided not to live with your H due to a bad previous experince only to end up in an equally abusive relationship. I feel for you and wish i could give you a big hug.

This is not your fault. You are not thick. He is a coward (as so many man are).

You've tried to keep your independance by living seperately but he has choosen to abuse this, both financially and emotionally.

Please call Womens Aid. This is real. This is your life and the life of your children. Only you can make the change and make t life better for you and your dc. He has disconnected from you and the dc and no amount of begging or loving acts from yourside will ever make him change. THEY NEVER CHANGE.

You've made the first step by posting on MN - make that next step by phoning Women's Aid. You can do it. You deserve a better lif. Your a good caring person, don't allow this man to continue to abuse you.

I didn't call WA. I looked at their website, it said the helpline was for emergencies.

I walked this morning for 3 hours with DS in the pushchair. It's the only time I can think.

There have been a few times in the past when I have thought about ending the relationship. H has convinced me that this all because of how I am - if I made more of an effort to be happy within the relationship it would work, but because I am a negative person (his words) I chose to be unhappy with the relationship. It's me that's bad, not the relationship.

I'm already on ADs, but am wondering if the depressant in my life is H?