Bullying H ... I'm now terrified to express an opinion

[januarycat]

... but I can write it down here ...

I have been on mumsnet for a while, but had to namechange as my SIL is a mumsnetter.

If I express a different opinion to H he becomes extremely unpleasant. He isn't physically violent, but he bullies me until I agree with him. I think he gets a kick out of it as sometimes I can feel myself physically shaking.

Sometimes I am too scared to even express an opinion, not just in front of H but in everyday life - I didn't used to be like this.

I'm a SAHM, we have 2 DCs, the youngest is 2. I have a teenage DS from a previous relationship. H & I have been together 10 years, married for 5. When we met I was about to move to a different town & embark on a full time career after completing a degree. I fell pregnant but there has always been something that I felt 'wasn't quite right' about the relationship.

H & I live in seperate houses. The house I live in, we own jointly. I live with the children, he lives with a friend (male) from bording school. Last month I found out that the plans that he had to pay off the mortgage (repayment) were non existant. Last weekend I found out what I thought was my car, actually isn't (I am the registered owner & he refinanced it a couple of months ago) & has now arranged a buyer for it. DVLA have advised me he can't do this without my permission. H says he can, can anyone advise me on this?

I know that the money from the car will be 'invested' in an offshore company. [disposal of an asset??]. H says he needs it to pay the bills.

Yet, over the past 3 months he has spent over 10k on holidays for himself & our oldest DC & a training course for his career (he is 62yo - I'm 20yrs younger). I asked if I could have money to take youngest DC on holiday & he said he couldn't afford it. He is also in the process of setting up a 'business'.

I have over the years subsidised our income with my savings, even though I do not work outside the home.
I now have £38 pounds left on my overdraft. He last paid money into my account 5 weeks ago. The direct debits for bills are due this week. He bought some food yesterday for us (the basics, enough to last a couple of days), I was embarrassingly greatful, I almost forgave all his past shitty behaviour. Even when H opened the fridge & said to DS - 'oh dear!! mummy doesn't have steak, come to daddys house for dinner'. H eats out at least 5 days a week.

This situation needs to change. I need to find the courage to stand up for myself & the DCs.

I feel that its similar to an abuser who hits someone in places where the bruises won't show - to the outside world he is successful, a high earner, etc etc while behaving in a way that has left me unable to express all this verbally - I know I should to women's aid, a solicitor, cab.

Where do I go from here?

1. I have decided NOT to hand over the keys to the car. I have put all paperwork relating to the car in a safe place. I need to take control over something.

2. H hasn't put any money into my account & I doubt if he will do. I have put some things on ebay to sell (every little helps?). I will phone gas, elec etc to explain situation & see if I can work out something?? or maybe just cancel all Direct debits & see what happens.

3. I have details of 3 solicitors (I live in a small town). One can do everything via email & has experience in dealing with domestic violence cases (I know my situation doesn't involve violence but I think they might be able to understand the situation?)

but am wondering if the depressant in my life is H?

He's not going to be helping, that's for sure!

Also:

I didn't call WA. I looked at their website, it said the helpline was for emergencies.

I would say that the fact he's blackmailing you into handing over the keys to your car with the implication of bad things (withholding food/bill money seems to be your concern?) if you don't qualifies as a the need for emergency advice.

Let me ask you this, what do you think will happen when you tell your husband that things need to change or you'll seek a divorce? If you believe that your welfare - physical, emotional or financial - will be at significant risk call WA.

januarycat - EA and FA count as domestic abuse.

Should I phone, would this really be considered an 'emergency'?

I have been on the relationships board on & off for 4 or 5 years now - under different names. Some people who have responded to this thread have also responded to me over the past few years.

when your self esteem is non existant, it is very difficult to believe that you are worth anything.

Let's turn this around;

If your friend came to you and told you that she was being blackmailed into handing her car keys over, had no money to pay bills or buy food because husband refused to transfer family money to her account, was being told that she was the entire problem in the relationship because she was negative and was choosing to be unhappy and couldn't get away with her children for a few days whilst her husband ate out 5 times per week and had spent 10k on holidays in the last three months...what would you advise her to do?

You are facing the very real possibility of not being able to buy food or heat your home if you don't 'do as you are told'...I think it's an emergency. You need advice on what to do next.

By the way, was the comment about thinking carefully before disagreeing to hand over the car keys verbal or by email/voice mail?

You're worth something, you're worth a lot!

I'm sure everyone else who had replied to your thread (and previous posts) will agree with me on that.

YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS!!!

(whatever you utter git of a husband/ex husband/etc have tried to make you believe)

andro - such comments are verbal - he is very clever. and - thanks.

If a friend described a life like mine I would be horrified. Even worse - if any of my children went through this I would get them out of it by any means possible. i see what you are saying. It's a slow process - I see friends, family etc as more worthy.

You're welcome.

Unfortunately I thought he might be too smart to leave a paper trail.

You've described a classic abuse mentality, it's tough to break the cycle but you can do it and it will be worth the fight.

Please phone WA.

Sorry, i can't phone them.

he will be here on friday & then the bullying will begin (again).

Ring tomorrow. You really need to speak to someone to get help. You can do this. You are not unworthy. You are worth a thousand of this selfish man who doesn't even look after his family.

you are doing your children a huge disservice by allowing this to happen

by allowing this man to decide if they get fed

by allowing this man to treat you this way and undermine you will become learned behaviour.

I can't sleep & need to write this down.

He used to wake me up in the early hours to 'talk'.
Once I woke up & he was having sex with me. And calling me his 'little girl'. I didn't stop him, I was too shocked.

having sex without your consent is rape.

Please, please call women's aid. This is a horrific situation for you and your children to be in.

Lawyer up honey, a good solicitor is going to have a field day with him.

Don't be scared of him & don't ascribe to his 'importance'. What a cunt he is, love to be a fly on the wall when you take him to court

Please contact someone in RL.

Ideally Women's Aid. IF not Rape Crisis or someone.

Well- you need a solicitor, to call WA, change your locks (if you can, legally I mean) and as you are living as a single parent anyway I would suggest the make a claim for income as such
theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/benefits

January- I am so sorry for what your going through, you are a brave woman, you mentioned he called you his little girl. you also mentioned he used 10k to go on holiday with the oldest DC. Is that the DC from previous relationship? Did you go with him?

Also hunny this is an emergency, I know how you feel about seeming more real. but this is scary behavour, he raped you sweetie, and that is not right. Please ring womens Aid, and let them help you, Also please change the locks , you never know what he is capable of. if you cant afford to change the locks I can help you, I havent got lots of money but I can give you the money to change your locks and some money for food you and your kids need to eat hunni, and knowing your safe with a full belly would make us all happy here. please message me, remember you are strong, he is the problem not you , please keep us updated, and if you are using a computer he would use please clear your history, if he checks your phone add a code to your phone. But please call womens aid asap, contact local food banks in your area too that will help, please remember we are all hear for you xxxxxxx

It was a holiday with our (mine & hs) 10yo DC. I wasnt invited. My ds from prev marriage does notget on with h.

H is here now. Has said he is not paying mortgage for house i live in with DCs or giving me any £ for bills & food. He is paying HIS mortgage for HIS home though, of course.

I have an appt with sol nxt wk. She is going to email with regards to options re money.

Thank you for advice, I think it will be ok one day. Ive not mentioned solicitors or divorce to h. He would increase the nastiness to another level.

Please tell him to go back to his own house. If he refuses or gets angry, call the police. He's an appalling man.

WOOHOOO!!!

You're taking an important step by getting legal advice, keep moving forwards and you'll get there eventually.

and to celebrate the first steps in your journey.