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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner's ex is destroying me

114 replies

Harrassedandstalked · 20/01/2014 13:00

I'll try to make this as brief as I can. My partners ex is ruining my life. We have been together a year now and I've had constant harrassment from her. She just won't leave us alone. She believes that we started our relationship when they were still together. We did not. She has hacked his Fb, damaged our property, threatened me with violence, called child services on me, tried to lose him his job. She goes quiet for a while and then starts it all again. I suffer with anxiety and depression which was controlled until all of this, I can't even think straight anymore. I've tried to finish things with my partner because of her. She has a personality disorder but also has serious physical health problems which is why my partner won't report her to the police as he feels sorry for her. I'm at my wits end. She has made me ill to the point I started having seizures caused by stress. Has anyone been through this and what can I do?

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 20/01/2014 13:46

OP your partner is putting his ex ahead of you. He should be putting a stop to this and could if he wanted to, but he isn't. So leave.

You can report this, fb messages are evidence.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 20/01/2014 13:47

So, apart from returning her calls, and allowing her to get in touch with him, what is he doing to show you he wants her out of his life?

He doesn't sound insecure in the slightest to me. He sounds like a)he gets off on having 2 women catfighting over him and b) It might not be as over as you think.

See them hills? Get running.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/01/2014 13:48

So he's more concerned about a crazy ex's health and wellbeing than yours?

Who's he in love with again?

Original poster
Harrassedandstalked · 20/01/2014 13:51

You are all correct, my best friend told me the same thing. Leave him, he can't stand up to her. It's a pity it has to be like that because he's the only one who can solve it...and he won't. She is hell bent on revenge for whatever imaginary wrong I did her and it won't stop unless he does something about it.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 20/01/2014 13:51

I think I'd tell him that when he's actually single and available, he can come and find you and you'll give him due consideration.

In the meantime, look after yourself and your children and only consider attaching yourself to a man who will do the same.

AngelaDaviesHair · 20/01/2014 13:52

If you are afraid of another report to SS then you should consider leaving. I doubt the ex will be reporting you if you are out of the picture, and getting your children away from this mess sounds like a good move. It isn't worth staying to fight for someone who will not stand up for you or protect you.

Tonandfeather · 20/01/2014 13:53

Ok well if neither of you are going to do anything about it officially, you've only got one option then haven't you?

Get out of the relationship with this guy if it's making you ill.

Though if i were you, I'd only hold against her what you've seen and heard yourself and can prove. I expect there's a lot your partner says that doesn't much stack up and that's why he won't go to the police.

FuckingWankwings · 20/01/2014 13:54

What lottie said.

Talk to the police (as someone suggests, call 101 and ask for advice).

But your ex needs to be on your side. If you're having seizures and he's still not willing to deal with her, you need to seriously question your relationship.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 20/01/2014 13:55

He feels sorry for her but doesn't care that it's making you ill. Either he's in love with her or he's enjoying having two women wanting his attention.

CosyTeaBags · 20/01/2014 13:56

The only acceptable response from your DP to this situation would be for him to stand by you, defend you against his ex, and sort this out so that she can no longer hurt you.

He isn't doing any of that. He's choosing her wellbeing over yours.

QualityJanitor · 20/01/2014 13:56

Are you frightened of your partner, OP?

You talk about him coming home in a temper - are you walking on eggshells?

Original poster
Harrassedandstalked · 20/01/2014 13:57

I actually felt for her in the beginning ton, because I did believe he'd probably messed her about....until she started her hate campaign against me. She's evil to me, threatening to smash my house up and I think...what have I ever done to deserve this? I didn't even know who she was until she started harassing me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harrassedandstalked · 20/01/2014 13:59

Qj, I am a little. Not physically, he'd never lay a finger on a woman...but he's so nasty with his words. His ex gets in touch, winds him up and then he takes it out on me.

OP posts:
Tonandfeather · 20/01/2014 14:01

He SAYS his ex has been in touch. You don't know if she has. She isn't to blame for him being a nasty bastard to you though.

Original poster
Harrassedandstalked · 20/01/2014 14:02

So I'm getting it on both sides, if I'm with him, she harasses me, if I try to finish it, he doesn't want it to end and won't leave me alone. I didn't want to admit that....I feel so trapped.

OP posts:
DelightedIAm · 20/01/2014 14:05

How do you know it isn't your oh not his ex at all? Maybe he did the same to her?

lottiegarbanzo · 20/01/2014 14:08

Right, so they're at least as bad as each other.

I'd report to the police, telling them your story, not his. Include your experience of fearing him and his harrassment of you.

Then leave.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 20/01/2014 14:08

If you need help to get out (and it sounds like you do) there is help available.

There is a limit to how long you can live like this before it breaks you. And as well as yourself, you have your children to consider.

If you want help, it is out there for you.

QualityJanitor · 20/01/2014 14:09

he'd never lay a finger on a woman...but he's so nasty with his words.

if I try to finish it, he doesn't want it to end and won't leave me alone

Call Women's Aid. You need to get away from this man. His ex is a red herring - he is abusing you and you need to get yourself and your DC out.

VelvetGecko · 20/01/2014 14:10

I think you should get out now OP. Just think of the lovely peaceful life you and your dc could have.You say he won't leave you alone when you try, well then you call the police on him for harassment. Close you fb account, change your number, do whatever you have to.
This is affecting your health, your dc need you healthy to take care of them.

Original poster
Harrassedandstalked · 20/01/2014 14:11

I do know its her, I've seen emails, Fb messages, texts, phone calls but I do suspect he's probably given her false hopes that they would get back together now and then. She has caused trouble, we have argued, then he he has called her to tell her to back off...they end up talking because he feels sorry for her, then everything he says she uses against us. On and on it goes....

OP posts:
QualityJanitor · 20/01/2014 14:13

OP, seriously, forget the ex. The problem is your partner.

He is getting off on messing with your head and keeping your miserable and vulnerable.

He is not your friend. Get help to get out, please Thanks

fromparistoberlin · 20/01/2014 14:14

I know you dont want to hear this, but this is down to HIM and his baggage

I get you love him, but if due to his baggage your kids are at risk , its worth facing up to the fact that...:

finish with him = the threat to your family goes away

DelightedIAm · 20/01/2014 14:14

Has he told you about any mental health diagnosis he has himself? He may need some help and if the police get involved to stop this, it may help him and his ex as well.

As has been said tell YOUR story about what YOU have seen/heard and can prove yourself, don't say what he told you etc. You and your children deserve to be safe, and you will not be safe with this Man and his baggage in your life.

fromparistoberlin · 20/01/2014 14:15

get some help OP, you wont like what you read here but call WA, ready Lundy

HE is the problem here

wishing you the very best