My partner's ex is destroying me

[Harrassedandstalked]

I'll try to make this as brief as I can. My partners ex is ruining my life. We have been together a year now and I've had constant harrassment from her. She just won't leave us alone. She believes that we started our relationship when they were still together. We did not. She has hacked his Fb, damaged our property, threatened me with violence, called child services on me, tried to lose him his job. She goes quiet for a while and then starts it all again. I suffer with anxiety and depression which was controlled until all of this, I can't even think straight anymore. I've tried to finish things with my partner because of her. She has a personality disorder but also has serious physical health problems which is why my partner won't report her to the police as he feels sorry for her. I'm at my wits end. She has made me ill to the point I started having seizures caused by stress. Has anyone been through this and what can I do?

Make your choice.

Be with him but continue to be bullied by her and let down by him.

Or leave and get your life back.

You don't need his permission to report her to the police and it is up to the police to prove she is bullying you, not you.

Hi harrassed, I agree with other posters - this man is the problem. His ex is a red herring.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's manipulating and stirring things up during these 'conversations'.

I notice from your OP that you've tried to finish things before. Why wasn't the breaK up successful? Did he 'persuade' you to give him another chance..?

I think in a way he does like the attention, he's very insecure, but he doesn't seem to realise what a serious impact this is making on my life.

His ex gets in touch, winds him up and then he takes it out on me.

She's using him to harm you and he goes along with it because he likes the game.

This is poisonous situation.

You're all telling me what I already knew but didn't want to admit...so how do I end it without hurting my little girl? honest question, she idolises him. He's so good to her, her own dad has never wanted to know her. Dp takes her anywhere she wants to go, buys her anything she wants, he spoils her rotten, hugs, loves, protects her. It will break her heart.

It will upset her, yes. And it will take time and love and reassurance.

but she loves YOU more. And she needs YOU more. And she needs you in a fit state to care for her.

Any upset caused by the removal of a man who is not her father will pass.

Big picture here. He is destroying you. That will impact massively on your child. It will impact massively on you but you aren't using you as a reason to stay!

Also, do you want her to absorb this relationship template and seek it out for herself? Of course you don't.

Flippinada, he did yes.

You tell your dd, that he is making you unhappy and you want to be the one to take her nice places and have good experiences with her, you want to be the one to give her hugs etc, as you are her Mummy he is a nobody to her at the end of the day op, you will always be her Mummy.

He's destroying her mother's health and happiness, which WILL have a massive, detrimental impact on his life - how can you say he loves her?

I can see exactly why he says he does and why he buys her stuff - because he's a fantasist, who fuels and protects his made-up dream life (in which HE is very much the main character, the rest of you are merely the supporting cast) with lies. For as long as he can get away with it. When runbled, he turns nasty. Right?

So forget any idea that he loves he. He probably likes her, may enjoy spending time with her - in the present. Her long-term interests are not a priority for him though. She's better off without him.

Plenty of people maintain good relationships with step-parents after their parent separates form them. If his relationship with her is really that good and he's able to separate from you in a grown-up way, avoiding any upset to her, then tehy can remain friends, in some way.

Longer term, you just explain that while he enjoyed 'playing happy families' with her and this was nice for everyone for a while, unfortunately he had too many other things he wanted to do with his life, (The next scenes in 'The Drama of HIM') and wasn't able to commit to her and you, long term.

I suspected as much, although I'm not pleased to have it confirmed.

He sounds like a very manipulative character and I suspect all this stuff with your daughter is another manipulative act.

I bet you anything he is winding his ex up, knowing how she will react, during these conversations. He really doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Can I ask, what RL support do you have in place?

Not much flippinada, I have a handful of family and friends but at the moment most of them won't have much to do with me apart from putting me down and telling me its my fault. They can't understand my rages, tell me to pull myself together. When I try to end it, he calls my mum and she answers the phone every time, he stops my friend in the street and asks her questions about me...I can't really trust anyone.

He is probably telling these people the same things about you as he tells you about his ex.

They basically think I've lost the plot, then I feel I have no one and it must be my fault, so I have him back and that doesn't please them either. They dislike him, but stand up for him when it suits them. Does that make any sense?

You can trust yourself. The more you describe, the more this is sounding like a very bad situation that you need to get yourself and your child out of.

Harrassed he is not protecting your DD while he is making her mother ill with the stress of being manipulated and and abused.

Call Women's Aid, tell friends not To talk To him and tell your mother what has been going on, and that you and DD need her To stop engaging with him. If they won't stop then the friends are not your freinds and your mother will Miss out on contact with you and DD if you have To move away To Get away from him.

Don't let this continúe, please.

And for DD, once you are away you can tell her that although he was nice To her he didn't make you happy and anyway she can do things and Go places with you.

I can't see a way out, my family and friends can't stand him, yet when I get rid they stick up for him, so I give in and have him back, only for them to distance themselves from me. He convinces them that I'm off the rails having a breakdown. He's twisted it all so I have no one. He's very charming when he wants to be, but people don't see his nasty side.

Why do you give in to your friends and family?

What power do they have over you?

What do they do that leaves you with no choice but to have him back?

I'm sorry to hear that and as Delighted has suggested I bet he tells people stuff about how unreasonable you are. Sounds like a pattern developing doesn't it...you hear it time and time again on here, it's like abusive men have a script which they all follow.

It would be funny if the consequences weren't so bloody awful. It's textbook stuff. Abusers try to isolate their victims so they become dependent...then they ramp up the abuse.

The thing is, you know what is happening isn't right and that's why you've posted here. You can trust yourself. Other posters have suggested contacting WA and I think that's a good idea.

Also. Have you considered this. You leave. He bugs them . They have a go at you. You take him back. He stops bugging them.
So its about getting him to leave them alone by throwing you to the wolf...

It also strikes me that he is doing to you what you think his ex is doing to you...harrassing and stalking you if you try to leave (ringing your mum, stopping your friends in the street).

Please do contact WA as from what you've described I think you may need support to get away from this man.

I shudder to think what his 'persuasion' consisted of...and if you have proof that his ex is harrassing you then do contact the police. You don't need his permission.

Thanks for your input ladies. I never thought I would be in this position, I've always been a pretty strong person. Just goes to show. School run soon so I'll probably check in tomorrow. Thanks again, glad I finally got this out.

Men like this often do target strong characters as they like the challenge of breaking someone down. Best of luck to you.

I think your "friends and family" have trained you well, as has been said it suits them to have you thrown to the "wolf". They want him to entertain you and them, when he is not around they don't want to entertain you and participate in the entertainment, they miss being the audience to the entertainment you, your oh and his ex provide them with.

I think the idea of you moving away is a good one, these are not your friends and you and your Daughter deserve better than the parenting your Mother is providing you with.

Apols for typos in my previous post - his for her, he for her, hopefully you were able to make sense of it.

My final point there should have been that it's easy for him to be nice to your dd because she doesn't challenge him. He's nice to her, she's grateful and happy - simple response, he looks good, so easy relationship. If he's still around when she turns into a teenager and starts to challenge HIM this will all change!

I suspect your family would rather you appeared to be happy, coupled up - because that's 'normal' - than have to address complex, unpleasant issues, or accept that you're truly unhappy - because they don't want you to be unhappy and it's easier to stick to the idea that you're ok really, if a bit mixed up.

It's much easier to think 'oh, they have their problems, doesn't everyone but they'll sort it out' than:

1. Have to accept that someone who they've liked is a very unpleasant, manipulative person and they'd been taken in.

(Also part of the whole 'evil as other' script, whereby people cannot reconcile horrible acts with apparently normal people, especially those they're close to. Bad things must be done by hideous 'other beings').

2. Accept there was abuse going on that they failed to recognise or do anyting about. Better to avoid that guilt by denying there's anything serious happening.

3. Have to recongnise you might actually need their support and help and this might take their time and effort.

4. and yes, given all the denial and avoidance already in place, it's easier to have him coupled up with you than bothering them.