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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone in a relationship but live seperately?

57 replies

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 20/01/2014 07:39

Just that.

I'm thinking of moving me and ds (13 months) out. My partner cannot take the sleepless nights and is very grumpy about it, saying 'I have to work, you dont'.

He went away recently and it was very peaceful and tidy. He works from home so we're always in each others faces so maybe it help to have some space?

Is it crazy to even think about?

OP posts:
Skullfucker · 20/01/2014 07:43

Is your ds your partners child?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/01/2014 07:46

So you get to be full time carer to his child in an offsite location while he gets to enjoy a bachelor lifestyle, visiting you at a time that is convenient to him when he fancies a bit of company? Hmm

If you get down on all fours with a magnifying glass and put your head very close to the carpet I think you'll be able to locate what's left of your self-esteem. If you stay, stand up to him. If you move out, start fresh because this man doesn't sound like family material

MirandaWest · 20/01/2014 07:47

I was wondering that.

I'm in a relationship and we live separately, but we've never lived together which I think is a bit different.

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 20/01/2014 08:09

Yes he is the father.

Cog Grin that made me smile, thank you. I think reading back my op, I do sound like a walkover - far from it. I'm just sick of the bullshit whining about how he works and his needs for sleep are more important.

I just asked him what he thought and he said he's thought about it already but doesn't think our relationship is strong enough to survive living apart.
I think the opposite - if we stay together under this roof, it'll just get worse.

He already acts like a bachelor, so wouldn't it be less annoying if it wasn't done in front of me?

I'm tired of begging for lie-in, cups of tea, help around the house. It would just be easier to live apart and he can come around several times a week.

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 20/01/2014 08:11

I suspect if you lived apart you'd soon get tired of his utterly selfish ways and realise that you are better off alone.

captainmummy · 20/01/2014 08:11

He 'works'? So what do you do all day? Has he even tried to look after the LO for a few days while you live the single life

poopooheadwillyfatface · 20/01/2014 08:12

if he doesn't think that looking after a thirteen month old is hard work too, he's never done it.

Why is he so much more important than you? Why should his life be easier?

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 20/01/2014 08:12

Also, he shouts and gets very angry when woken, which I don't want ds around - but when he's awake he's great with him. So ds wouldn't have to see the ugly side.

The other night he had to get up to get ds a bottle while I stripped bed and changed ds - cue P having a tantrum, slamming doors, broke a jug then yelling.

After a year of counselling, I doubt he can change.

OP posts:
Barbarina · 20/01/2014 08:14

I'm tired of begging for lie-in, cups of tea, help around the house.
It would just be easier to live apart and he can come around several
times a week."

Good god, if he's that bad why are you putting up with him at all? No relationship should be that one-sided.

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 20/01/2014 08:17

Eiri - if that happened, then so be it.

Captain - yes, for a few hours but not recently, and said it was exhausting and understood now why I was tired. Ds has now stepped it up to toddler and is very 'spirited' :)

I kind of loved it when it was just us two, although it was only 2 weeks, but I was more relaxed, less resentful and it was like we were a little team.

Poopoo - I don't know, he's very selfish and is v good at getting his needs me - said by counsellor. He admits this but doesn't change.

OP posts:
Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 20/01/2014 08:20

Really Barb? I guess when you don't know anything different , it's hard to realise.

What's annoyed me is, he came back from his trip and slept it off and then was yelling yesterday morning because he was tired and had to get ds a bottle. He then lay in until 10am, while I was up from 5am. Even though I had been alone for 2 weeks and had no sleep, he didn't think I was due a lie in because he was jetlagged.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/01/2014 08:24

A selfish man who gets his needs met by yelling, smashing stuff and making your life unpleasant is a BULLY. Of course counselling doesn't have any impact on him.... what incentive does he have to change? Suggest you get a nice little place for you and your baby and plan a life that doesn't include him and his bullying any more. Live separately and end the relationship... or in MN terms 'LTB'

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 20/01/2014 08:27

He's only like that when he's woken several times though. Otherwise he's fine.

OP posts:
Barbarina · 20/01/2014 08:32

Really.

It just doesn't sound like he has any respect at all (based on two or three paragraphs of yours, I admit, so hardly much to go on). And it's too easy to make endless excuses for someone else's behaviour. Trust me, I'm an expert at that :s

Friendsupport · 20/01/2014 08:33

I'm only new to mn but I can't get over the number of women puttng up with similar (awful) treatment.

You are not in partnerships. You are in hell.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/01/2014 08:33

The way bullies get their own way is this. They set the scene, acting like a bear with a sore head from time to time and making their victim unhappy and nervous of a repeat performance. The victim then adopts the 'walking on eggshells' approach the rest of the time, modifying their behaviour so that the bully is placated.

When he went away for a while you had chance to experience life without that underlying stress and out of an atmosphere of fear. You relaxed & could enjoy your baby, your life, your home. That's how people in healthy relationships live 24/7

So 'otherwise he's fine'... sorry, no.

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 20/01/2014 08:35

Yes, I'm good at that too.

I think it would be really hard to tell my family if it happened, they would try and persuade me to stay and would say its not that bad, it's worse being a single mother etc etc

They know he doesn't support me enough with ds and have bad to interven before though

OP posts:
Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 20/01/2014 08:37

Sorry x-posts with Friend and Cog.

Cog - I never adopt that attitude though, I always stand up to him, always tell him to stop shouting and to stop being so dramatic because a child is teething etc and I think he feels pretty stupid after, but can't stop himself

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/01/2014 08:43

I'm not saying you're a pushover or weak in any way. That's not my point. However, when he was away you said you 'relaxed, less resentful and like a little team'. That means that, when he is around, you are experiencing the opposite... ie. stress, resentment and on opposite sides.

Does he yell and stomp at work colleagues? Shop assistants? Random strangers? Family? ... or does he save it for you? 'Can't stop himself'.... sorry, but that's just rubbish.

EirikurNoromaour · 20/01/2014 08:47

Of course he can stop himself! I'm not being ignorant, I lived with a selfish sleep addict too, I can sympathise, but I cannot accept that they can't help it, they just don't want to. This behaviour yields results, always has, so why would he stop? Not because he respects you enough to make the effort, that's for sure!
Are you thinking that remaining 'together' yet living separately would be a less 'shameful' way of extricating yourself from him? If so, go for your life, whatever works for you. But your relationship with him is dead in the water, he will never change.

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 20/01/2014 08:58

He doesn't do it to anyone else. He works from home so doesn't do it to colleagues. He's always sweet as pie and is really extra helpful and kindly spoken when we are out or with family, which irks me.

How do you deal with it then, Eirikur? It's not trying to find a less shameful way, it's just trying to find a solution. I'm very attached to him and love him, we've been together for 5 years but stuff has happened that I find hard to get past.

OP posts:
Ihavemyownname · 20/01/2014 08:59

My mum and her partner live seperately for almost two years now after us all living togther and it was so much after he went and lived somewhere else the dramatics of the house changed completely and everybody was happy when I first told I was abit Hmm seems to work for them

MadBusLady · 20/01/2014 09:08

What stuff has happened? Is it the same stuff that your family have had to "intervene" with?

This does not sound good, OP.

Families sadly sometimes do not give the right advice in these situations IME. Women are encouraged to put up with shitty treatment because the alternative is that everybody else loses the comforting social status quo.

Original poster
ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 20/01/2014 09:16

He was v unsupportive while I was pregnant and when ds was newborn, it was a big adjustment for us both, but his behaviour was poor.

They've had to intervene when I've been on my knees with exhaustion to tell him to be more supportive.

We both think we're not appreciated by the other.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/01/2014 09:22

If he can be nice as pie when out or with family then he can 'help himself' perfectly well. There is no genetic defect that is causing him to behave this way against his will. If he can choose to be pleasant with others, he can choose to be pleasant with you.

Of course you're attached to him after five years and of course he's not nasty all the time. But, set against the context that he simply isn't going to change his behaviour on your account, are these living conditions really how you want to spend the foreseeable future? Given that your first thought was to live elsewhere with DS I would say your answer to that is already 'no'. So why not give it a whirl?. If you take him out of the equation - even if you tell yourself the relationship is still ongoing - I think the solution you're seeking will become very obvious.

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