Is anyone in a relationship but live seperately?

[ateddybearfromdelaware1]

Just that.

I'm thinking of moving me and ds (13 months) out. My partner cannot take the sleepless nights and is very grumpy about it, saying 'I have to work, you dont'.

He went away recently and it was very peaceful and tidy. He works from home so we're always in each others faces so maybe it help to have some space?

Is it crazy to even think about?

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here in this so called relationship. And you do bloody well work as well in that you're raising a child.

Abusive men as well are very plausible to those in the outside world. Inadequate men like supposedly strong women like you because they want to break them, such men see these women as a challenge to take them down.

I think that counsellor you saw was right; he is very good at getting his needs met - and you're the one doing that for him. Such men do not change.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships here; surely not this piss poor model of one. You'd be better off apart, you certainly cannot be together anymore.

It's not worse being single...it's much much much better. You know that week he went away? It's like that but all the time.

Well I think you're "appreciating" him far more than he deserves. What exactly has he ever actually done for you apart from get you pregnant which, really, any fool can do?

I think you would definitely be happier if you lived separately. Then perhaps work up to realising that he's not actually necessary in your life at all? He can still be in DS's life of course.

I often daydream of being with someone who would really love me, do kind things for me etc. sad

How do you deal with it? Accept you're worth more, give him an opportunity to address the problems and if he doesn't, leave. I think you've already given him that chance after a year of counselling.

What would be the practical things I need to do?

I know I need to find a place, move stuff etc but what about child support? Would we agree that amongst ourselves? I know he would help financially, he's only mean emotionally

It is sad that you have to resort to daydreams. Do talk to your family. If they've had to intervene before and if they know what he's like I'm sure they will want to support you. FWIW if you think a split is on the cards present it as a fait accompli rather than something you're in two minds about. Families and friends IME need to see that you're set on a particular course of action or they will assume that it's just some temporary blip/tiff & you need a bit of hand-holding until you work something out.

Several posters above have hit the nail on the head OP.

I have been on and off Mumsnet for years mainly just reading the threads about DD related subjects. It was only last week that I allowed myself to accept I was in an abusive relationship with an extremely selfish and controlling man. Its easy to see what to do in these situations as an outsider but when its what you have lived with for years it can be hard to sort through the emotions and reality of it all. Our situations are different but we are both in relationships with abusive men.

I have no doubt that you still love him, that will turn into hate and resentment until one day you realise that you no longer love him.

Thinking of you OP :-)

Child support can be arranged between the two of you as a private agreement as long as he is reasonable. Look online for advice/support and maybe contact CAB if you need too.

"What would be the practical things I need to do?"

I'd recommend you get some advice from places CAB, CSA and others. On child support, for example, the CSA website has a calculator that would give you a steer on what would be the minimum amount simply based on his income. Set that against any other reasonable costs and, armed with the information, get him to agree to regular payments. Similarly have some ideas about how shared parenting is going to work. He may prove to be a better father on his own.

If he's uncooperative, then set CSA running, talk to a solicitor etc. Do you own or rent your current place?

Ateddybear, I used to daydream about that too, thinking it was something like dreaming about having a pet unicorn. It's not true - men who are decent, kind, patient and caring absolutely do exist, and aren't supremely rare! I've just married one, less than 5 years after having those daydreams.

I wasn't living when I was with my ex, I was existing. Start living!

Thank you for the supportive replies, getting choked up.

We rent together, he pays the rent.

Will have a look at csa. Just feel a bit like I'm making
A big deal out of something minor that happens when people are sleep deprived. We were looking at holidays the other day :(

I also keep seeing things on tv and other places of children saying how hard it was not having their dad around and I feel so guilty. I grew up with seperated parents and I remember the feeling of longing for my dad to be there everyday :(

It's not a big deal out of nothing. What you're doing is researching options, getting details, getting information. Nothing is set in stone. But he has demonstrated very clearly that he is not behaving this way because he's sleep-deprived or has some personality disorder but because he is insufficiently motivated to behave differently.

If you take leaving seriously he might just start taking you seriously. If not, you have your exit plan ready and you can follow through. Win-win.

Well he said he had thought about it too, so I guess that tells me we aren't worth changing for

Angers me that he's been thinking about it too, his life is pretty fucking good. House always clean, baby looked after, breakfast/dinner cooked everyday, goes out with friends once a week. Why does he want to leave

How about he rents an office nearby to work from, instead of working from home. You could try this for a few months and see if the dynamic changes for the better.

If it doesn't, then other options will still be open to you.

I'm not sure he would want to leave that kind of set-up. IMHO There are only a few reasons for saying 'I've been thinking we might be better off living apart'...

• I want to end the relationship
• I want to end the relationship but haven't quite worked up the courage to say it in as many words
• I have found someone new and want to get you out of the way
• I want to threaten your security and make you come to heel

Ill talk to him tonight

He's only like that when he's woken several times though. Otherwise he's fine

Imagine if you started swearing and breaking things because your ds wanted a bottle

If I went around effing, blinding and breaking things because I was tired, I'm pretty sure SS would be down on me like a ton of bricks, and rightly so.

Being a parent is hard. Being tired is hard. But tell him to get a grip. He's not doing anything different than millions of us just bite the bullet and do every day.

Exactly music I told him to suck it up. You can always catch up on sleep, it's hard but its not the end of the world.
I couldn't imagine acting like that when ds is already feeling ill :(

But because he works (sales) he gets to act like that

You couldn't imagine acting like that in any circumstances and you wouldn't act like that in any circumstances. I work in sales.... if I went around acting like an arse just because I'd had a bad night's sleep I wouldn't sell very much