I fyou felt as a child that you had zero emotional support from your parent(s) etc

[SoleSource]

How has this affected how you deal with your emotions as an adult?

Do you find emotions hard to deal with?

Are you afraid of asking for help or just being yourself or not know how to word your feelings from being afraid of being vulnerable and attacked?

As I do sometimes...as I had zero emotional support as a child and was emotionally abused and verbally attacked constantly by my Father. I have been NC for nine years now.

I'm single and have had a course of therapy but feel I have been hurt far too much and am scared of letting others 'in'.

Not me but DH. His family can seem so fun and lively in many ways but at the same time;

They show no real physical affection (unless to very small children)
They do not acknowledge many emotions or feelings
Traumatic and disturbing events can pass without comment
Appearances and appearing happy are important

They love my husband and in many ways he is the Golden Child, yet at the same time it's like they don't truly know him or they try and bend his will to their desires.

It feels like an emotional desert in their company.

Marking place - really helpful thread in many ways a comfort to know others here are finding their own way of dealing with the astonishing 'lack'

Mine are the only people on the planet to create so much pain, panic & anxiety in me. I have lowered contact greatly in recent months after f grabbed my wrists & blocked my way out of a room whilst I was 6mths pregnant. It was in front of my 2 little DCs. Appalled at his behaviour & Dm also, who seems to enjoy a drama & enjoys seeing me upset.

I find strength in the lack of contact - I am not obliged to keep a strong relationship of regular 'fake' communication going just to please them. It is time to listen to my needs for once.

SicknSpan - sounds about right that you'll have picked it up from the way your mother handled (or didn't as the case may be) situations.

My mother didn't hide in the same way, but I was taught 'correct' social mannerisms from an early age - if I were two faced enough I could walk into a room full of people I hated and leave an observer thinking I adored them all - the social 'game' was and is important to her.

The whole charade is crazy and dangerous, without a very strong sense of self you can very easily lose the real you.

The really (from a distance) amusing part is that if anyone from this thread actually met my mother, I can almost guarantee they'd think she was one of the warmest, most emotionally aware people they's ever met. They'd be correct as well...except as relates to me. She would be genuinely horrified at the way so many children have been treated, but she wouldn't make the link to her own treatment of me.

I had been feeling the rage just before this thread started. That has passed and I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life now. On the people in it. On my past. I realised years ago that both my parents came from abusive backgrounds. My father's was very, very bad. I guess by them not being as extreme as their parents, they thought they were doing a good job. They weren't. We were feral. My mother kept us well presented, we were fed. There was no affection, no interaction with us. Unless we were being verbally abused or hit. I have an okay relationship with my mother now believe it or not. She has acknowledged that she could have done a lot better and she does try to be better. When I have a bad day in my head I hate her. I cannot cope with confrontation (unless for someone else) and if I think there may be raised voices I feel I may vomit. Now though, I have good friends and a very settled life. Except I feel worthless. Which would shock everyone who knows me. Coincidentally, all my close friends come from abusive childhoods. It just seems to have worked out like that for me. Maybe I sense kindred spirits!

Just read back up the thread. for everyone

I went a few months with massive wads of tissue in my knickers and washing them secretly in the bathroom with shampoo after my periods started at the age of 12. I could not tell my mother. It took my sister seeing blood on my legs when I climbed over a wall for it to come out. I got into big trouble (for being filthy, why I did not say anything was not explored). To this day I cannot understand it especially having a DD myself. Father was not around. I have come to understand that his 'abandoning me' as a young child may be at the root of my self-destructiveness in that I know what I want but I purposely fuck up my chances of getting it. I have punished myself for him 'rejecting' me but I was also conditioned to hate myself by my mother.

I am a emotional waterfall though (I feel things very deeply which really frustrates me, sometimes I wish I did not feel anything). Yes, my childhood is to blame.

God, I remember having a stilted hug off my mother when I was about 37 and it felt weird because I had never remembered her ever hugging me before that. My DC have to fight me off quite often or I could bite them .

This thread things true for me too, hard to read for me but validating to see so many people feel the same.

My parents think they were great parents and did their best, but we're always emotionally unavailable. My dad sees emotions as weakness, my mum gets overly involved and makes it all about her own feelings, leaving me ignored. My mum was ill when I was a teenager and in hospital for a year- a year I spent looking after myself with nobody asking if I was ok. I eventually was arrested for shoplifting as a cry for help, I got caught on purpose. My parents never talked to me about it again after picking me up, I just went upstairs and carried on reading my book. After a recent drama where they have been equally crap I am trying to reduce contact, it sucks.

I think a huge problem is that this behaviour causes low self esteem and causes us to doubt the validity of our own feelings. I have spent a long time feeling like I was the problem- my parents were just normal people trying their best and it was me who was difficult and unloveable. This just reinforces the whole thing. It is only through counselling in the last year I have realised this isn't true, and my god it hurts.

Sorry for the huge post. Sorry you have all had his shit too. NC for his because it makes me feel vulnerable that this thread has struck a nerve. It's uncanny all the aspects I recognise in myself and my parents from all of your posts.

They had the classic English sent away to school never mention emotions (DF) and major physical and mental abuse from parents (DM) plus search then rejection by second 'real' mother when she found out first mother had adopted her. Never had a happy relationship with a man ever and to this day, 'all men are bustards' (thanks spellcheck!) Even my baby daughter is told that which makes me feel ill. On paper I can see exactly why they are how they are though.

I still find it upsetting how they didn't protect me from their own feelings though- it's affected my life deeply and has really made the process of becoming a mother myself very fraught. I always question my parenting and fear emotionally harming my child inadvertantly.

My parents split when I was a baby and still don't speak. Their rage at each other was the dominant feature of my childhood. I was fought over legally and it was all about winning against the other. They wanted me to hate the other as much as they did. They would tell me in detail about the others bad behaviour including infidelities, physical abuse, lack of maintenance money to support me- nothing was ever held back at all. The only way I know they must have loved me is because they went to such efforts to challenge each other for my custody. My mum used to tell me how much her lawyers were costing her and how she couldn't afford it.

They never hugged me and have never told me they loved me. I am ashamed to say I remember feeling really happy on crowded trains as a child and realising it was comforting to feel the physical proximity to other huma beings. I never mentioned my emotional state or problems because they were either ignored literally or told (by DM) how much worse she had had it. I certainly have never told them how their behaviour has made me feel.

It's just so horrible to look back on now I am a mother - however angry I was with an ex I just don't think I could put my child through all that. Because they had this big self righteous battle to win against each other, for each of them, me the supposed object if the fight was the projection of their feelings not a real person with my own needs or wants. They never ever asked me how it made me feel. I couldn't have friends really because I was hardly available as I had to be with whoever's turn it was to have me. I find friendships very hard now- people think am aloof and cold. I reject any attempts at emotinal closeness with friends despite desperately wishing for it. I find physical closeness very awkward with adults - can just about airkiss if I really have to but that's it. As others have said I couldn't talk about my needs to my parents as I wasn't going to get any help - I didn't mention my period starting for months, sorted out my own first bras and so on.

I literally didn't know who I was from teens to very recently in adulthood- I tried everything and went through every phase imaginable. I treated others badly especially boyfriends as it literally never occurred to me that me or my actions could have meant anything to them. I too was drawn to seek out fun outgoing people who turned out to be emotionally abusive dangerous narcissists as has been experienced up thread. I empathise hugely with others experiences on here and wish you all the best in dealing with the problems you've felt. It's really hard but talking (or posting at least) helps.

moving - just read your post. Sorry that you have had all this too. Mine would also say they have been great parents- especially my DM who says it a lot now I am a mum.. 'Even though she has had so much pain to deal with'.

My mum doesn't talk about our childhood, or her experience of parenting/being a parent, at all.

I'm another one that doesn't remember getting any hugs from my mum. I used to cuddle up to my dad, but he died when I was a young teenager.

I think my mum was quite insecure and spent a lot of time comparing herself to me. So if I was good at something she would get sniffy that I was 'so clever', and if I was bad at something she would enjoy being better at it herself.

Once I organised some unpaid work experience for myself over the summer holiday to improve my CV. A shy girl, it was a big deal to walk in to strangers and seal the deal. My mum told me I should be ashamed of myself for taking paid work from people who had families to feed.

It left me feeling as if I couldn't do anything right and never made her proud or gave her joy.

I can identify with everything that others have said. Crap parents but always wanted to keep up appearances, and they still do. Am so glad I found MN as before that I thought I was the only one that had ever felt like this.

and if I think there may be raised voices I feel I may vomit.

I can identify with this. I'm 44 and in my head I can still clearly hear my dad's key turning in the lock when he got home from work. It also took me 10 years of being an adult after I moved out to be able to leave any food on my plate and to not be terrified when I heard a door slam or footsteps on the stairs.

Even now I always (if I can) sit with my back against a wall so in a café or restaurant or classroom I choose my table/seat according to whether I can be hit from behind.

Oh, and everyone wanted a dad like mine

Even now I always (if I can) sit with my back against a wall so in a café or restaurant or classroom I choose my table/seat according to whether I can be hit from behind.

I never sit with my back to a room, ever. It makes me feel incredibly nervous/uncomfortable.

Insanity I had this exact same experience with the tissue paper. I had to buy my own sanitary products in the end out of pocket money.

My mum finally gave me the period talk when I was about 15 (and was already sexually active.) Too little, way too late.

Gosh this is such interesting reading.

It is interesting that everyone has slightly different experiences, yet the impact of emotions not being dealt with effectively is clearly ongoing for so many people.

I am slowly picking apart the emotional landscape of my childhood (with the help of a fantaxtic counsellour).

There were emotions in my home as a child. My Mum was massively emotional and how she felt would dictate the mood of the house.
She was also OK at talking to me about me if it directly involves her. So she is OK at talking about my kids for example as she is interested. However she will not talk about how things feel for me. Especially if she hasn't directly experienced it herself. However as soon as it becomes about me and she is not directly involved then it as desperatelyseekingsolace describes. I am just met with disinterest and the subject is changed. As an adult this is annoying, but as a child it meant that I was left floundering with my emotions and with no help as to how to process or deal with them.
Yet DM emotions were there for everyone to see and to deal with.
I am seen as an extension of her I think and anything that seperates me from her is ignored and buried. I don't really feel like I have a sense of self at all.

People think we are close because I call her a lot and try and talk things through. Yet everytime it is because I am desperate for her to validate me this time and time after time I am dissapointed.

I have quite a lot to work through I think

Gosh, such a good word, but where to start?

"Keeping up appearances" is where is all starts.

A sad thread. I recognise myself in much of what I have read although have never really thought about it before. My parents divorced and I lived with my mother and grandmother, both of whom had some degree of MH problems. I was an only child and spent much time alone, my mother was loving but undemonstrative I don't remember much physical affection. My husband had a similar childhood.
It's made both of us very independent, although I'm way too much of a 'pleaser'. We are both quite stiff-upper lip and I hate confrontation. but make a massive effort with the children as we want them to have better memories.
So sorry for everyone here

My Mum is a 'man hater'. I know a little about her childhood. She was the eldest of 2 girls and her sister was ill alot, so her Mum didn't really have time for her. Plus my Nanna was very victorian and well to do.

My Dad was her first and only boyfriend and she was pushed into marrying him 'because he had good prospects'. They were married for 22 years before my Mum found another woman.

I was 17 when she left and not very worldly, my sister was 19 and had already left home. My sister has been emotionally unavailable for as long as I can remember. I tried to live with my Mum, but because she was in love all the kids were ignored. Plus living in a house with thin walls and hearing sounds that I didn't want to was horrible.

My Dad was working offshore, 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. Those 2 weeks onshore were spent in France. I married an x boyfriend because I felt unloved and unwanted, his Mum was good to me.

When I split from him I vowed that I would be independant (at 28). By this time my Dad was more available and my relationship got better with him.

I can talk about that period of my life easily now, because I understand it. But I don't remember a great deal of my childhood, only the negative bits. I will only talk face to face about it if I trust the other person and the fact that my Mum is a lesbian is only ever mentioned in a round about way, which generally makes people question what I have said.

I will never forgive or forget what my Mum has done to me, but I have accepted that she is happy. She has been with my Stepmum for 24 years.

A vivid memory I have from when I was about 10 - We were visiting my mum's aunt on the coast and we went for a walk on the rickety old pier. I was terrified but said nothing just walked and imagined us all plunging into the sea and dying. No one seemed to notice how afraid I was, which says a lot in itself. When we had walked back to the house I commented on how terrifying I found the pier. And they praised me for saying nothing. I very rarely got any praise as a child despite doing very well at school etc but the one incidence of praise I can remember was for being terrified and telling no one. A small thing but really significant. Even at the time as a 10 year old I found it odd and disappointing. With my own dcs I would tell them they could always say if they were frightened and I would help them.

I had an interesting conversation with my mum and younger sister recently. My mum was doing the whole "don't come to me if you get pregnant" spiel (said lightheartedly but the message is clear). Without really thinking I said "of course if you did get pregnant you could just come and live with me and I would help you." I only said it because it's a fact, not to get at my mum but her face fell and she looked really stricken. It's about the only time I've seen anything like that hit home with her - I think she realised that what I had said was what she should be saying and that her "joke" was actually quite nasty. It was a strange moment. But of course nothing else was said.

My mum has never been good at emotional support or affection but I think that's because she never had it herself.. her upbringing simply didn't have it. Practically though she was always fabulous.. looking after my kids when they were little etc - she's 85 now and a bit limited physically but she's improved on the emotional stuff, she will now tell me and my dc that she loves us but you can tell she's not comfortable saying it.

It's affected me inasmuch as I'm not good at showing my feelings or being demonstrative with hugs etc.. I can do it as a greeting but not when it needs to be meaningful if that makes sense? I do sometimes wonder if that's contributed to my 23yo dd's issues (bpd, drug abuse, eating disorders, sh) and I do feel terribly guilty about it.

I find that I'm not good at expressing my own needs either, so in relationships I'd quietly seethe when the dp in question couldn't read my mind and realise what I wanted/needed. I'm also really crap at asserting myself and can be a bit of a doormat.. I am growing a spine now but it's a slow process, simply because I don't have the confidence to speak up for myself.

Not sure also whether me being an only child has also contributed to that because I never had a sibling to fight with, negotiate with etc etc.

Interesting question and given me lots to think about.

Good God I never imagined this thread would turn out this way.

I thought I would be told to get a life a grip and to fuck off.

If a counsellor or therapist ius reading could you write a few words or us?

I think most of us would be very grateful

To you all

Very grateful to you all or posting and you are all courageous and battle on. I hope we all feel that bit less alone.

Hugs, love and best wishes for each of us.. I mean that.

Just thinking about this again & there are so many similarities with other posters:

• mother's mood dictated atmosphere in the house
• expected to do lots of household chores & criticised heavily for how they were done (because she had to as a child) but it has made me more relaxed about my own home & how I view chores as non essential
• periods: she sent me into shop to buy sanitary pads, with 'it doesn't make you feel dirty does it?' I had no reply.
• no talk about the body/changes/relationships
• witnessing her violent moods, beating sibling with a stick she chose to keep behind the sofa
• knowing, just knowing that there was no point in asking why or disagreeing with her. All he'll would break loose, & then my dad would find out. So I never used my voice. Became a HUGE people pleaser later in life/in jobs. Full of self doubt. Why would anyone want to employ me/befriend me/ do nice things for me.

Realising only now that I actually am of value - but I do have to tell myself regularly, and even then feeling guilty at putting my needs first, rather than pushing them out of the way.

Reluctant also to open up to new friends also, wondering why the hell they would be interested in anything I have to say.

A lot of unseen damage seems to have been done

Cailin again your post struck a chord: I remember when my sister (who has had a couple of bouts of depression), was about 16 she had a panic attack while out on a walk with my parents and I.

Although it was clear she was in distress, they seemed to assume she was laying it on for attention and were more angry with her for creating "drama", than they were concerned.

My dsis was quite hard work to live with at that point and we didn't see eye to eye (though we get on well now), but it was obvious to me then that their response was neurotic and wildly inappropriate.