I fyou felt as a child that you had zero emotional support from your parent(s) etc

[SoleSource]

How has this affected how you deal with your emotions as an adult?

Do you find emotions hard to deal with?

Are you afraid of asking for help or just being yourself or not know how to word your feelings from being afraid of being vulnerable and attacked?

As I do sometimes...as I had zero emotional support as a child and was emotionally abused and verbally attacked constantly by my Father. I have been NC for nine years now.

I'm single and have had a course of therapy but feel I have been hurt far too much and am scared of letting others 'in'.

Lousy reading the thread and nodding along, especially the shame. I feel deep shame when I feel vulnerable. I feel ashamed of having problems which makes them worse. I do think, on a positive, that as I've got older and seen others be open about their worries it's helped me My dad is ALL front. ALL appearance. His house and garden are immaculate but emotionally he's vacant. Does anyone identify with that? Parents that are all about how things appear but hollow in substance?

Lousy!? Typed lucky.

ATM my dad isn't well and has been quite nasty. I haven't been able to speak to him since he was last horrible. So I'm stuck feeling guilty but not wanting to put myself in a situation where he can upset me. It a bit shit really.

I wonder if the knowledge of how crap he'll be is what's making you dread telling him? I have a civil relationship with my parents but I actively dread anything going wrong in my life, not because of the impact that that thing will have but because if and when I tell my parents about it I'll be once again reminded of how little they really care. In fact I hid my PND from them after DD was born because having to deal with their disinterest would have made things a lot worse. If something really awful happened, like the death of dh or one of the dcs I'd have to have someone else telk them and then go no contact because their reaction would be too hard to deal with. I suspect the same would be true if I were in your position. The crapness, even though it's predictable and expected is still a slap in the face. It's the last thing you need when you're already suffering.

SoleSource you are right about being kind to yourself etc -- and thanks - but there also comes a point where you need to face up to it and telling people helps move the process on and makes it more real.

Cailin it's not quite as simple as him not caring... I am sorry to hear that yours are so crap by the way...

It's harder to put a finger on. Partly because we were brought up to sweep stuff like this under the carpet I think he gets really panicky when confronted with things like this and shuts down...

It's hard to explain. It just feels really wrong at some very deep, primal level, to talk about things like this .

Yes that is true Solace. You'll get there.

So do you think you'll feel shame/embarrassment when telling him?

I went to counselling again today.

I told the counsellor that I was desperately, desperately sad as a child and I probably 'acted out' at home. Never anywhere else, I was always a model child everywhere else, but at home I probably did things that were construed as 'naughty' or 'unhingled' (actually, I know they were construed as both). But all I wanted was for someone to put their arms round me, tell me it would be ok and that they loved me.

I remember one evening. I couldn't reach the light switch in the hallway so I must have been about 5 or 6 and I'd come downstairs because I was feeling scared. My parents didn't want to be bothered with me so they left me in the pitch dark hallway with no lights in any of the rooms or from upstairs and I was trying to get into the living room but I couldn't because they'd put an arm chair across the door to block it.

I remember vividly banging on the door and screaming and begging them to let me in. They used that as one of their examples of there being "something wrong" with me, but I remember it so vividly and all I actually wanted was for someone to open the living room door, ask if I was ok, put their arms round me, tell me they loved me and carry me back up to bed.

I didn't want to go back upstairs because I was scared, I had clearly worked myself up into a state and I didn't want them to not let me in and not love me. I was just so, so desperate to be loved.

I still feel like that. But at the same time, I think it's probably too late for me now. But I still feel like I'm banging on the door and crying for someone to love me

FolkGirl

I know the exact feeling. You are releasing the emotion which is a very positive action for your new future. I'm proud of you x

FG that is really sad, and I know what you mean about still banging on the door and crying for someone to love (or even like) me.

I still have the rage - so aware at how angry I am at my h for abandoning me deliberately. Still so undecided on how to move forward

So tired of maintaining an outward appearance for the world at large.

FolkGirl it's never too late. You are coming to terms with how badly you have been treated which is a big step.

I am sorry you had to go through this.

Cailin YES. Shame. Deep, intense shame. Not rational as I haven't done anything wrong. Just fear of being scrutinized, pitied.

Bollox, just lost a long post.

Ds2 taught me how to love both my kids, he is VERY cuddly, sometimes he throws himself at me for a limpet cuddle, he's 8 :D. Ds1 isn't very cuddly, but that's because he was born in a difficult time of my life. But we are close in other ways and I touch his face a lot.

Its taken me years to accept compliments. I started by saying thanks, but not believing it, now, most of the time I believe it.

My Mum was very clinical when I was ever ill, I twisted my ankle once and she told me I was fine and to carry on walking. That has helped in some ways, I don't do headless chicken when my kids are hurt. She also made me wait 24 hours when I was stung by a wasp. I am allergic to them and had to wear boots that were 3 sizes too big.

My mother never showed me any love, never had a hug from her or told me that I was good at anything.

This has made me the total opposite with my own children as I don't want them growing up to hate me as much as I hate my mother/

Just found this thread. So sorry lots of us have had desperately sad experiences.

I had a childhood that I remember very fondly. There were lots of positives and I love my mum in particular very much. However, it was a very stiff upper lip type upbringing and my dsis and I often joke that even if mums head fell off into a big muddy puddle, as long as she managed to smile when sticking it back on again there was no harm done. So we are very conditioned to allow happy emotions, joy and happiness and love and all the good stuff- but anything negative is "nasty" and we need to push it away.

So I can only do the "oh everything is absolutely fine! Marvellous in fact!" stuff and do not how to put negative stuff into proportion. Which makes me feel like a drama queen as I am never quite sure whether I am over reacting when I do try out expressing my feelings. And means i cannot ask for help as can't gauge what is reasonable to ask.

Think its been even more damaging for my younger sister who is totally unable to challenge mum (or me) or be challenged herself on anything even tiny without heaving racking sobs and getting terribly upset and distressed.

(Eg we once had some minor cross words when we bumped into a friend of mine who told us the happy news that she was pregnant- my sis was unusually dismissive and I thought a little rude. I told her this afterwards and she got so upset that she couldnt drive for the physical impact of the crying)

But I'm never quite sure how proportionate other people's reactions are so it's just a big old mess!

Oddly, I am terribly good at picking up on what other people are feeling though and being able to tailor my own behaviour to suit the situation. Quite handy at work in a corporate environment that relies on relationship management where I have no emotional investment, not so useful in my personal life where I am always scared of doing or saying the wrong thing or being the wrong person.

Creative outlets have helped enormously over the last few years though, writing poetry and some prose has been a delight.

I am also guilty of not knowing when to stop talking about my feelings when I do start- not having learnt yet at 37 what is appropriate- sorry for long long post!

babyMummy I know what you mean about being keen not to do the same with our own children- I always encourage them to talk about any feelings whether they feel good or bad or undecided. They're probably dying for me to stop asking!

Oddly, I am terribly good at picking up on what other people are feeling though and being able to tailor my own behaviour to suit the situation

That's not odd within the context you describe, you've always had to be able to smooth the way so that nothing 'nasty' happens/is spoken of etc so you have developed the ability to read and mirror what others are feeling - it's a skill which gives a air of polish and sophistication (it also inspires confidence in a professional setting)

Sicknspan you have exactly described my upbringing and my life. You could be me.

FolkGirl Your example from when you were small worries me because DD3 plays up a lot at bedtime saying that she's scared and I end up shouting at her eventually because I just need to rest by then. I've got fibromyalgia and after a day at work, then kids, cooking, tidying up, etc. I need her to go bed without a fuss. I leave lights on upstairs and a lamp on in her bedroom and I usually potter about upstairs until she goes to sleep so she's not on her own. BUT I worry that later on in life she could use this to show that she was emotionally neglected when she was scared. Oh shit, am I screwing up my DD? The last thing I'd want is for her to grow up feeling like she wasn't loved

desperately sorry that this has been your truth too.

Andro I have wondered whether my mum's inability to openly express criticisms constructively and in a loving way has lead to this, yes. I realised very early on I expect what the pursed lip or sharp tone of voice actually meant even when the words did not match. Her behaviour told me when she was not happy!

AllDirections Please don't worry

I was also locked in the back garden, barefoot and with frost on the ground in my nightie; threatened with being locked in the garage in the dark with the spiders; I was locked in the porch; my mother used to lift me up and smack my bare bum in front of the living room window "so that the neighbours could see what a naughty girl" I was...

You know that wrenching feeling of heartbreak? That's how I felt pretty much all the time. I cannot convey just how sad I was.

The thing is, I'm now 39. I haven't seen my mother for nearly 2 years. By the time I was an adult, she was quite open about the fact that she didn't love me and never had done.

If your daughter knows you love her, she will stand a bit of shouting when you're exhausted and in pain

Thanks FolkGirl I was hoping you'd say it wasn't an isolated incident that has made you feel the way you do now but more a pattern of behaviour from your parents. I had a similar childhood to yours so I tend to question myself more than is usual about whether the way I parent can cause any long lasting emotional damage to my DC.

AllDirections I did English A Level and for my extended essay wrote about "suicide in literature". I did a piece of creative writing for which I got 40/40 and was then entered into a creative writing competition by the school, which I subsequently won and the piece was displayed for people to read...

The teacher's comment was that I'd "shown a remarkable insight into the mind of a suicidal person".

I wasn't really suicidal, I just wanted someone to notice how unhappy I was They didn't; I suppose it was different times then.

But it was no different to 5/6 year old me banging on the door.

I think it's many, many examples (some of which involve other people and are completely innocent) that all act as supporting evidence for what my parents were 'saying' to me. So not only did I listen to my parents and what they said, I found/looked for evidence to support it in the rest of my life too.

I had lots of ONS in my early 20s because I felt worth something for that short time; I felt I was only worth anything to anyone if they 'fancied' me because it's so much more primal and superficial than someone 'liking' you.

Sole Thank you :)

solace I want to hope you're right about it not being too late. I'm not going to close my self off to the possibilities, but the more I think about it all now (because of the counselling really) the more convinced I am that I'm just a bit too broken. The way I feel at the moment, I don't want to even open myself to the possibility of it, really.

I've been 'sort of seeing' a man for the past 3 months but because of the physical distance between us and the fact I'm only child-free alternate weekends, we don't see a huge amount of each other. I like it like that. I feel that the physical distance is maintaining an emotional distance which is what I'm comfortable with at the moment.