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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I fyou felt as a child that you had zero emotional support from your parent(s) etc

410 replies

SoleSource · 19/01/2014 16:47

How has this affected how you deal with your emotions as an adult?

Do you find emotions hard to deal with?

Are you afraid of asking for help or just being yourself or not know how to word your feelings from being afraid of being vulnerable and attacked?

As I do sometimes...as I had zero emotional support as a child and was emotionally abused and verbally attacked constantly by my Father. I have been NC for nine years now.

I'm single and have had a course of therapy but feel I have been hurt far too much and am scared of letting others 'in'.

OP posts:
bongobaby · 19/01/2014 19:08

Yes random she is a thief she has stolen my childhood and what should of been normal, nice and loving. She has fucked up my life at every turn still to this day. I said in my other thread that I have never addressed the issue of her behaviour towards me and that when I bumped into her a few months ago I became a quivering mess again. Even though I am nearly forty it took me back to being that scared little girl again.
I blocked it out and was ashamed. I have always felt not worthy of being loved. Hence why all my past relationships have been domestic violence and emotionally abusive and I took it all because it is all I am used to from people. My last few nights have been awful again with night sweats and crying and panic she is coming to get me again.
This post is dragging it out for me but helping in a way. I fucking fucking hate her.

RandomMess · 19/01/2014 19:14

Bongo have you got any RL support from professionals? It does help.

winkywinkola · 19/01/2014 19:18

I know my parents love me but they weren't really at all interested in me and what was going on. Nothing like some of the awful things that are on this thread.

Bongo HmmHmmHmmHmm

Until I fucked up my 'O' levels, then they panicked and I was the centre of attention for a while. I hate being the focus of anything - it makes me cry with shame and embarrassment even now. I didn't mess up my exams on purpose. I did very well in the end after they put me in private school for two years.

I refuse help from anyone. I feel quite detached from my dcs sometimes although I always hug them and tell them I love them. My dh is ott loving and affectionate and I know he thinks I'm a bit chilly.

sulkygirl · 19/01/2014 19:22

Desperatelyseekingsolace are you also me? My mum was like yours, no mention of anything. My parents were not abusive they just advocated keeping your head under the parapet, don't draw attention to yourself, don't expect too much then you won't be disappointed. There were no words for any bodily parts or functions in our family. Also cannot, would never still, discuss personal issues or emotional stuff.

CraftyBuddhist · 19/01/2014 19:26

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bongobaby · 19/01/2014 19:28

Not yet random I seem to put it off. Think it the fear of talking about it face to face. I like to come here for support and know that others have been through the same with toxic patents. It's given me some comfort. I am however having a bad grumpy day of it as it still makes me angry.
How dare a mother make her child feel this way. I would never treat my ds who is my heartbeat like that, ever.

CraftyBuddhist · 19/01/2014 19:29

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Original poster
SoleSource · 19/01/2014 19:31

:(

I have a very good, loving relationship with DS. I too can feel distance towards him.

My Mother told me she never really wanted children but my Father did.

When I was small my Mother was unhappy. I hardly had anytime with her one-one and added to that my Father is a very jealous, insecure, emotionally messed up person. Verbally and emotionally abusive. Called me a nutcase every single day, thick, useless etc

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/01/2014 19:35

Crafty I was never able to tell my parents about my brother, yet our behaviour towards each other showed that things were "not okay" he was vile to me

Leverette · 19/01/2014 19:37

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bongobaby · 19/01/2014 19:48

Crafty that was the fault of your cousin and not you. How awful for you to of gone through that. Hugs.
Random your brother had no right to be vile to you.
We are here for each other now it's good to let it all out.

CraftyBuddhist · 19/01/2014 20:05

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RandomMess · 19/01/2014 20:12

I only ever wanted daughters, fortunately that was what I was given. Although with my youngest and agreed final I would have coped emotionally with having a son. People can't understand why I am NC with my family, I mean what are you supposed to do - air your dirty laundery in public?

They don't understand that it makes no difference as they were no support at all anyway, it's just one less source of constant anxiety removed from your head.

Homebird11 · 19/01/2014 20:19

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Original poster
SoleSource · 19/01/2014 20:39

If I feel people get to know me too much I withdraw from people also or try and change the subject or it feels odd to me.

I'm not used to people getting to know the real me.

Very scary. Always been in my own world of berating and blaming myself.

Therapy has eased this a lot but the anxiety I feel is due to my Ds and my weight. I am tackling my weight at last and am doing really well.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 19/01/2014 21:05

Hello SoleSource

I've read this thread with interest. I started off wanting to c&p all the thoughts I agreed with, but then I realised it was pretty much all of them.

I've realised that my whole marriage was a sham, not only because of what my exh did, but also because I realised yesterday that I only married him to try and prove to my mother that I was lovable, whilst knowing that the man I was marrying didn't really love me at all. We were very good friends and I think we both just thought that would be enough. Sounds terribly wrong and irresponsible now, but I really didn't know any different.

I thought if she thought someone could see something positive or good in me, then she might look for it too. But it didn't make any difference. Sad

lovemenot · 19/01/2014 21:11

Another one who is seeing myself in this thread. My parents were not abusive but I was one of 6 kids, my mum had an infant and toddlers when I was a teenager. They were "of their generation", in their 80's now, and I remember my mother always being concerned about "what the neighbours might think". So, like you all I became very self-reliant and somewhat closed off.

Now approaching 50, I have a great and trusted group of girlfriends and I have learnt to be open with them. But I still retreat behind my safety wall quite often. My marriage is almost over and I'm finding it hard to deal with the emotional loss...I can't cry, I can't even let the emotional pain come anywhere near the surface.

The irony is that I always sensed he was very self-contained and it would never have been an emotionally demanding marriage. That felt safe. But regardless of that, he turned out to be a misogynist and is verbally abusive. On a good note, I have managed to have a good emotional relationship with my daughter.

RandomMess · 19/01/2014 21:11

Welcome FolkGirl.

It took me a long long time to stop seeking my parents approval and accept that they're just not that into me I guess, they never were.

FolkGirl · 19/01/2014 21:12

Thanks Random Smile

they're just not that into me

That's the bottom line really, isn't it?

Immenowithink · 19/01/2014 21:13

It's taken me 4 hours to read this thread. .. I've had to keep breaking off...Because I've recognised me and my feelings and also I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling like this although at the same time sorry that others feel this way.
In regards to being more open on here. .. No I'm not, I'm scared to death that others will recognise who I am and my real life deception of being confident and un needy will be discovered. I needed to post though to let you know there's another one who feels the same. .. support in numbers I suppose.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2014 21:15

I feel a sense of belonging on this thread too

Emotionally abusive father

Man pleasing mother who chose her "love" for him over the emotional safety of her children

I am nearly 50 and the effects are far reaching

Leverette · 19/01/2014 21:15

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GarlicReturns · 19/01/2014 21:27

I didn't feel as a child that I had zero emotional support from my parents, I thought that what they gave me was emotional support. It afflicted me in all areas of adult life, and still does - although the type of affliction has changed since doing masses of therapy.

I find it very hard to ask for help, yes, and to accept it when offered. Most people - even professional helpers, like doctors and therapists - seem to underestimate the amount of help I want & need. My "I'm OK, thanks" mask must be too good.

I am learning to care properly about myself. It's astonishingly difficult.

It's good to see you looking into this, Sole, and reaching out. Lots of people on here love you, you know, me included! You don't have to believe or justify this, just accept it as a random fact.

:)

Lavenderhoney · 19/01/2014 21:31

Very interesting thread. My df was a drunk and gambler with his own business so didn't see much of him, and I know nothing about him.

My dm was very controlling, didn't like anyone to have friends, didn't like my siblings and I talking to each other and encouraged nc, didn't discuss anything like periods, boys, friends, homework, life after school. She just said " I'll decide"

I remember wanting a kiss goodnight when I put myself to bed at 9 years and she told me no, I was too old for that. And always being blamed if things went wrong. My LTR had an affair with a married woman and she said it was my fault as I didn't cook him enough hot dinners:)
She went nc with me as I refused to take him back. Even he was horrified and he was a selfish tosspot.

I have low self esteem. You wouldn't think so because everyone tells me how chatty I am, friendly, self confident. I make myself. However if anyone messes me about I'm useless at seeing it- I assume they are having a bad day, its just them etc etc. a few times other friends have expressed amazement I still talk to these people. I just don't see they are horrible, iyswim.

I too immersed myself in books from an early age, to block out the yelling and all round miserable atmosphere.

I purposely don't have many book now. I must face things.

Oh- and I carefully married late, very sure dh wasn't like my parents. Superb fuck up. He even looks like my dad:(

paisley256 · 19/01/2014 21:37

Thank you for starting this thread I feel very at home here.

Very emotionally unavailable mother, everyone else's opinions are and were more important, especially the neighbours and people she didn't know that might be looking and judging.

Would never stand up for me so I kind of got the message I wasn't worth it and I've always settled for crap in life and relationships.

Massive identity issues, always in internal conflict, should I please me or the critical voice in my head.

Never thought my issues were worthy of therapy cos I hadn't been abused - til I began therapy last year and at 39 I am finally getting to know who I am.