I fyou felt as a child that you had zero emotional support from your parent(s) etc

[SoleSource]

How has this affected how you deal with your emotions as an adult?

Do you find emotions hard to deal with?

Are you afraid of asking for help or just being yourself or not know how to word your feelings from being afraid of being vulnerable and attacked?

As I do sometimes...as I had zero emotional support as a child and was emotionally abused and verbally attacked constantly by my Father. I have been NC for nine years now.

I'm single and have had a course of therapy but feel I have been hurt far too much and am scared of letting others 'in'.

I can't find PrinceRoger's post

To you all xxx

I can relate strongly to what has been said here. I used food to numb my feelings from a young age. I then started going to Overeaters Anonymous which is a 12 step programme like AA. Going sonewhere to proses and talk about my emotions has stopped me taking refuge in food and encouraged me to nurture and raise that8 year old girl inside of me.
I found therapy very helpful too.
Now I'm much happier. Youre not alone

Yes I was told to not come home PG too. Aged 35, owning my own home, the response to me announcing I was PG with dd, was "oh my god, I thought you were past all that stuf, how will you possibly manage, you will have to give up work etc"

SS, PrinceRoger messed up a namechange, BikeandBird is what to look

for

As an adult I have good, healthy relationships. Listen well, give good advice. But when it comes to my kids I am floundering with how to raise them in an emotionally healthy way

I struggle with this too BikeandBird

I so need to change quickly.

Blimey, I've been non stop nodding reading this thread.
So many things resonated with me.
I grew up in the so called care system, abusive childhood on so many levels.
I had no one to do any actual parenting of me. No one to turn to, someone to talk too. I knew I was In the way.

I suppose as a result I'm very conscious of my parenting skills, i stick with being honest respective, non shouty! Giver of hugs kisses, and then there's the praise, I give it to the teens a lot, but only recently realised,that as a child I was never the Recipient

As I guide my teens through the murky adolescent years, which is made some what more interesting by their autism.

I'm so glad to find this thread! My mother spent my whole childhood telling me I was stupid and worthless and that having me had ruined her life. There was no affection, no love, just a continual feeling that I would never be any good. If i was ever upset there was no comfort, just shouting that everything was my fault and I'd upset my mum. She used to tell me "when you get married and have children you'll be miserable too and see what it's like." Even though I couldn't make friends at school (didn't know how) nobody did anything, I assume because I was clean, clothed and did well in class.

So I emotionally divorced myself from them as a teenager and now I have real trouble dealing with (or even recognising) emotions. Sometimes my colleagues tell me I seem very relaxed, or happy, when I think I'm feeling stressed or miserable and I don't understand what I'm really feeling. I'm also very self-sufficient and can't ask for help even when I'm really struggling. I feel like it would confirm that I'm useless and can't cope and everyone would think less of me.

I've also had problems with touch, due to lack of affection. My friend's mum hugged me when I was 10 and I was terrified, I had no idea what she was doing. i couldn't let a man near me until I was 30 and had done 6 months of counselling because I was so uncomfortable with anybody touching me. Has anybody else experienced this? I don't have any memories of sexual abuse (but I don't have many memories of my childhood at all).

It's hard to feel compassion for myself, but so much easier to feel compassion for others in a similar situation, so to everyone on the thread.

I have also found parenting terribly difficult. Worst thing is that I've also been hung up on the "what will people think" shit when it comes to my kids and I'm paranoid I've fucked them up by giving them the same messages I got - other people's opinions are more important than your own, other people are right you are wrong, other people especially men must be pleased.

Since beginning therapy I've become more self aware and I'm doing things differently but what if it's too late and I've already given them self doubt issues.

I want to be a strong figure in their life - solid, stable, safe and dependable but I find it so hard I feel like a different person every day of the week and find it impossible to trust my own judgement on anything.

I love my children to bits but wish I was a better mother to them I wish I could just be me without questioning every decision I make, and then worrying I've made the wrong choice for them and their development. I just crave feeling comfortable in my own skin and want that so badly for them - I just don't want them to turn out like me.

PrinceRogersNelson - you sure your post sent I couldn't see it (love ur name by the way!)

Sorry for the small emotional outburst.

Paisley - I agree with a lot if what you say. I know the kind of parent I want to be. But I struggle to stay stable and what you said about being a different person each day rings true aswell

I know my Grandmother inflicted damage in my Mum and my Mum on me and I just hope that by trying at least to recognise the kind of parent I am I can break the cycle a bit more and my DC can relax and enjoy their parenting in a way I can't

My mum has no idea what she's like. She tells me to tell her if she gets like her mum and I think, but you already are.

Bike, we allow emotions on this thread

Have a hug

B+B, my father is just like his father who gave him an absolutely shit time as a child

I am determined to not perpetuate the pattern

Yeah I'm glad that therapy has shown me the cycle and I'm conscious of breaking it too. I was brought up by my mum and grandparents and i think the 'shame' of my mum having me out of wedlock was seen in their eyes as a massive failing on their part so they went massively overboard on the importance of others opinions so it didn't happen again - that just made me rebel and move away at the first opportunity.

How has this affected how you deal with your emotions a an adult?
I had very low self-esteem for years. I thought everybody was somehow 'better' than me and as such I let people walk all over me as a child and young adult.

Do you find emotions hard to deal with?
I've gone the other way and am seriously empathic. I worry about other people's feelings all the time, to the point of coming across a little neurotic!
I've also made emotions my 'thing' and am training to be a counsellor. I use my experiences productively. Is there perhaps a way you could find to do that?

Are you afraid of asking for help or just being yourself or not know how to word your feelings from being afraid of being vulnerable and attacked?

I used to be like this, 100%! I thought I was 'weak' and didnt' want to show it. I never had affection as a child and never showed emotion. If I was hurt I didn't show it, happy I didn't show it-even now I struggle with being enthusiastic about anything, I have to rehearse reactions and am wary of coming across as sullen. As for asking for help and voicing my needs, my current partner, a lovely, lovely man-sorted me out good and proper! I'm a bit of a diva nowadays, or should I say I have found my personality and learnt that being me is fine, I do not have to be anybody else. It's okay to be upset or sensitive. It's okay to make myself clear about what I want from others-in fact, it works out better for other people, too!

As I do sometimes...as I had zero emotional support as a child and was emotionally abused and verbally attacked constantly by my Father. I have been NC for nine years now.
What's NC, sorry?I had an identical experience coupled with physical abuse.

I'm single and have had a course of therapy but feel I have been hurt far too much and am scared of letting others 'in'.

Don't worry like that, easier said than done I know!It manifests itself. Concentrate on knowing your worth, It's as much as that of anybody else. You survived that as a child, your capabilities are even more so now!

Have you had psychotherapy? Have you got good people in your life now?
I read a few books 'The Secret' helped me a LOT. I put most of it down to my man though.
PM me if you think it may help.

NC = no contact

Alot of what people are saying rings a bell.

I hope I've already done one thing right as I've done the unconditional love thing for my Ds consistently and wholeheartedly, although he's just a preschooler so it's very easy to love. I hope he's already a step ahead of me in terms of brain formation.

The touch thing as well I can relate to. As a child I hated physical affection from anybody!I hated being tickled, cuddled, holding an adults hand, anything.I wanted to be 'grown up' and not be weak enough to need it.
Now,I'm sometimes socially awkward if people go to hug/kiss/shake hands but I get through it okay. With DP however, I'm very, very cuddly now, making up for lost time perhaps?
It's quite bittersweet to read this thread.

This thread pretty much sums up my life. Right down to immersing myself in books as a child.
I use my constant reading to help me understand life. I find as I get older I isolate myself more. It is easier than having to figure out if new people are who they appear to be. This thread is also very timely for me as I have realised my marriage is in need of some strengthening. I have been very independent all my life and this was reflected in my marriage. My health has been deteriorating over the last couple of years and I have needed to lean more on DH. He isn't managing this well and i have realised that he is emotionally unavailable. Thanks to this thread I have started talking to him tonight (I cannot do confrontation) and, strangely, realising we are both seriously messed up, it's easier to be honest and go forward together. I hope.
Thank you all for being so honest and making me realise I am not alone. I had thought i had processed and moved on when I hit my 40s. Turns out as I approach 50 here I am again.

I've had awful self esteem, spent most of my earlier life trying to self medicate the emotions away with drink and drugs.

I'm training to be a counsellor too, I think the only thing I've ever felt good at was other people and their emotional state.

I'm at a better place now since beginning dpsychotherapy last year but i don't have many people in my life, especially women, I think cos my mum and nan were so critical I have often felt safer with men. Saying that, all my relationships have been abusive except one - and I ended that because it didn't feel right!

Thankfully now I can recognise that there has been a pattern to my life but it's scary making the changes. Learning to trust is my biggest issue I think.

I will look up the book The Secret, thanks.

The trust thing IS difficult because literally in life, the only person you can truly trust is yourself...Up to a point.
That point is when you realise somebody else really puts you first. Make sure you tread water with people, not as in setting up tests or anything!But it helped me to think of it like that.

When I met DP I was careful, honest, and took it casual at first. 'Luckily' I had a couple of situations where I was needing help (e.g a friend and I fell out,minor health issues a tradesman let me down)and DP stepped up to be with me and help me in all those minor situations. So slowly but surely I 'let him in'.

I learned from that, it isn't a situation where worrying will help. Being honest with future partners about how you feel will filter the ones worthy.
Andyes I've had abusive relationships before him, too.
If I've managed it, you can too.

Yeah worrying doesn't help at all and im learning to stop reaching for the stick to beat myself with because that doesn't help either.

Interesting what your said about knowing your self worth cos for me it's always felt wrong to put myself first or up there with everyone else, but im conscious of being 'seen' to value myself by my children so that they hopefully learn that they matter and that they count, through my example.

Yes, always. I never talk to anybody now or ask for help and have gone through child and adulthood as a loner without friends because of it. I prefer it that way now though. Even getting married didn't improve it and we'll be divorcing before long I expect.

I'm fighting off a bout of depression right now, in my late forties, because of this.

My mum isn't a bad person but she lets herself be influenced by other people instead of making her own mind up, and she also treated my brother as the golden child. She didn't have much insight into my emotional needs and did some very hurtful and damaging things over the years.

My strategy was always to be 'good' (because I saw other people in my family behaving very badly and thought she'd like me more if I was not like them). Utter waste of time. Sadly I just ended up feeling resentful towards the people who continued to behave badly.

The impact on me is that I have sometimes treated people badly because I have difficulty believing anyone cares what I do or say and have not always understood that my actions or words have any impact. (I have only recently realised this!). I also lack confidence at work and with friends, assuming everyone thinks I'm rubbish, and I find it hard to take compliments or thanks because I tend to think these words are not meant sincerely. I find it almost impossible to love myself.

Another one here who had an emotionally barren mum and an unfaithful father. They gave me to the care system when I was 7 - I got in the way.

So I struggle with codependency and always have, married a man just like my dad, struggled to understand and connect with my emotions, tend to over analyse the bejeesus out of everything and I give myself SUCH a hard time.

I'm in therapy for the umpteenth time as I'm now feeling like I'm almost there with forgiving me for putting myself through endless and repetitive and self defeating patterns of behaviour. I really connect with a lot that's been said here, especially the bit about being either too closed or too open. It's easier to say it here because I could walk by you in the street today and you'd never know it was me.

Good thread.