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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I fyou felt as a child that you had zero emotional support from your parent(s) etc

410 replies

SoleSource · 19/01/2014 16:47

How has this affected how you deal with your emotions as an adult?

Do you find emotions hard to deal with?

Are you afraid of asking for help or just being yourself or not know how to word your feelings from being afraid of being vulnerable and attacked?

As I do sometimes...as I had zero emotional support as a child and was emotionally abused and verbally attacked constantly by my Father. I have been NC for nine years now.

I'm single and have had a course of therapy but feel I have been hurt far too much and am scared of letting others 'in'.

OP posts:
Mumto3dc · 22/01/2014 14:41

I have to go get my dc now and won't be able to be back til much later.

Thanks to everyone here.

Lonelycakes · 22/01/2014 14:53

My parents are very distant, although they would deny it completely. Dad always had a very full life (work/hobbies) so no time for me and I suspect he is on the autistic spectrum (his brother is) - He just can't fake an interest in anything that isn't about his interests, so as a result, unless I make an effort about his hobbies, there is no interaction.

My mum though is very odd though - I know she has had MH difficulties in the past (depression), so maybe that's part of it, but she is very hot and cold with me, depending on whether she wants to impress anyone.

She was very very controlling when I was a child - little things that were of no importance, like tying my shoes a certain way. She refused to let me join in with normal childhood activities and set these arbitrary age limits much higher than anyone else - like not being allowed to cross the road without her until I was 13 and not going to any parties or school trips unless supervised by her. If she ever saw that I was enjoying myself, she would drag me aside and tell me I looked stupid and that everyone was laughing at my ridiculous dancing/eating/bouncing on a bouncy castle. Which of course made me very self conscious, but then she would sneer at me and ask why on earth i thought anyone would want to look at me.

She didn't tell me about periods until I was 16, even though she knew I'd started at 13 (I told her). When told her this, she said 'well, I thought you might be wondering what was going on'! I never had the sex talk. Every problem I had that she found out about, she was furious with me for causing her stress and 'embarrassment'. When I was at college, I was stalked for two years and never said a word to her, because when one of my teachers at secondary school told her I was being bullied, she was furious at ME and said I must have been annoying the bullies. The idea of turning to my mum for support is alien to me - she would either sneer, diminish it, be angry or cry for herself having to hear the problem.

Thankfully, I have a great DH who is very kind and patient with me, even though I tend to hide and not say a word about any problems. I still don't like any physical contact really - my DC and DH are ok, but not other women; I feel sick when women get huggy at work. I don't have any close female friends - I've had a handful of friends, but I just can't bring myself to share anything more than general chat with them, so the friendships never really get past the acquaintance stage. My gut feeling with people is that they screw you over and humiliate you if they can, so I'll keep my distance. I know it's not true, but to me, it is ....

Sorry for the ramble, it was cathartic. Dh doesn't really get it, his family actually like one another Confused

altogetherwonderful · 22/01/2014 15:41

Mumof3dc - yy to your description of the neglectful hygiene, teeth cleaning/presentation, grooming never never never she lay in bed all morning was never up to check if we were ok before our 50 min bus journey to college in our teens. Was never there when we got home, even though her job was only local
(teacher) kept up appearances for herself though...narcissist behaviour

Emotionally I feel intense rage towards them since having our own DCs. Cannot fathom why they chose to parent the way they did. I'm so angry & it has come flooding out recently towards them - but I am being made out to be the one who has done wrong by having an outburst of emotion /confronting them, and I am expected to FORGIVE them (they are fervently religious as though this gives them permission for their appalling domestic behaviour)

I'm so tired of them. Low contact has been a real healing time for me. Grateful for my gentle DH that we make our home calm & his perspective on life/problems etc always soothes me. I feel lucky to have found him (even though Dm did her best to tell me to break up with him many times!)

Andro · 22/01/2014 16:37

I know that when I'm tired or stressed I slip into being that person my mum was because it's so...I don't know....familiar? normal (to me)? entrenched (in me)?

Early lessons are learnt well, there is comfort (and an often false sense of control) in familiarity...even when that familiarity is not healthy.

I occasionally slide back to the mentality I had at boarding school, complete and utter reliance on myself to the exclusion of everyone else. Fortunately my DH is amazing and has a way of gently reminding me that he's there, that he wants to help and that he can see me but he can't reach me - it's enough to bring me back because I don't mean to shut him out.

AllDirections · 22/01/2014 16:49

Sounds like some of you have lovely DHs Smile

mypussyiscalledCaramel · 22/01/2014 17:44

Looking back at how I was with my kids, made me realise that I was the opposite to what my Mum was. When I had a job when ds1 was tiny I worked part time in the evenings. When I split from his dad, I gave up my job so I could be be with him all the time and have been a SAHM ever since.

My Mum had a p/t job during the day and during school holidays we were left to fend for ourselves.

I don't remember having the sex talk with her, I can't even remember when my periods started. I was sexually active at 15 but not promiscuous. I did mess about with some lads, but never went all the way.

I was also pursued by a neighbour, I was flattered, but fortunately I liked his wife. I still carry the guilt of him going as far as he did, to this day.

This was all caused by lack of emotions from my parents.

beingacow · 22/01/2014 17:59

I think that I am extremely lucky that nothing very bad did happen to me, like it did to some posters on this thread. I was allowed to put myself in some extremely risky situations as a teenager. Older married men, sex in cars that was only just consensual, that sort of thing. It was before the heightened awareness that society has now but even in the early 90s surely it would have been suspect?

But my parents found it much easier to turn a blind eye. I do think that if anything awful had happened, that too would have been ignored, or I would have hidden it.

My mother considers herself a feminist, the house was full of feminist books and she helped out at a tape crisis centre. I struggle to comprehend her attitude to me compared to her external work and awareness. So strange, and to be honest it has made me wary of people who are stridently part of any movement or belief. My mum will talk politics with me for hours but will never dream of asking how my relationship is.....

beingacow · 22/01/2014 18:00

Err, rape crisis centre. Sorry.

CraftyBuddhist · 22/01/2014 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BibiBebe · 22/01/2014 21:40

I see two main problems - the lack of solid, self assured identity and the lack of feeling safe

I have that

Littleen · 22/01/2014 23:07

Similar issues here (with my mum) and got major relationship issues because of it. Going to counselling really helps for me - but it will take time.
Opening up always comes with a risk of rejection, but I think it's a risk worth taking. When you find someone you feel safe with and can open up with, it's the best thing in the world. It doesn't have to be many - just one will do :)

Also, I think that in a new, future relationship, if you work really hard at it, you can learn to open up. I've managed to do this to my other half very very slowly, though often still resort to writing cards or notes to open up rather than talk face to face which I still find really hard. It tends to be a few sentences rather than a proper conversation. You have to push yourself and risk the rejection,

TheSmallClanger · 22/01/2014 23:15

I wouldn't describe my parents as actively abusive, but there's a lot here I can relate to.
Mum frequently held the whole house to ransom with her moods and demands. Her favourite little trick was to time her precious afternoon nap to coincide with me coming home from school, when I normally most wanted to talk. If I woke her up when she was sleeping, all hell would break loose and she sometimes wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day.

She would pour scorn on things that I loved, like a few others on here. This was either overtly, or worse, she would feign vague interest, then later start ridiculing whatever it was with others, in front of me. Often, this was relatives, whose opinion was paramount. I had a hidden collection of "subversive" books (George Orwell, Albert Camus, JG Ballard -nothing actually that unusual for a teenager) and music which I wanted to protect from her derision.

I am quite a sensitive, serious person by nature, but both mum and dad believe in "tough love", and reserved the right to wind me up, ridicule me and denigrate my activities, without me being able to retaliate or get upset. I was more used to this sort of behaviour from bullies at school, and it further reinforced my belief that mum especially didn't like me that much. She has never told me she loves me outright - she considers this ridiculous and needy behaviour, and does not understand that I might need reassurance. Dad was almost never the instigator, but he never, ever stood up to mum once.

Oh, and the ridicule involved taking the piss out of, and occasionally imitating, my slight limp. Fucking charming.

Both of them, however, seemed to enjoy saying "no" to my brother and me. They still claim now that they were destitute, but they weren't. They just preferred to spend money on boring holidays, "quality" home goods and age-inappropriate clothes. I often had to wear clothes that set me apart from my peers, and various normal social activities were also forbidden (including helping out at a charity jumble sale, because mum "didn't believe in kids buying and selling things").

If I did get upset, I was either told not to "turn on the tears", or told that the situation was inappropriate for me to be upset, or that we "didn't have time".

Some of this seemed to get less severe and frequent as we got older. Dad has desisted totally from this stuff for years, although now we aren't there, Mum has turned all of her bullying urges onto him. I get on reasonably well with her, although I rarely spend more than a day in her company, and she certainly has her diva moments still.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 22/01/2014 23:29

Yes, so much here resonates with me as well.
I was emotionally numb for as long as I can remember. I have had counselling and can cry, a little, so some improvement --especially since going NC with my sister who felt it her duty to keep me in my role in the family myth. For ages I thought my "even keel" was stability, something to be proud of Blush. Cried five minutes when my mum died when I was 18. I was an invisible child, so not much connection there.

The identity idea is a part of the foundation, or lack there of. I see "people of walmart" type of folks around town and got to say I feel a little respect for them as they at least know who they are (same for sports fans). And at the same time I can at least identify myself as not being that...and I do not mean that in a snobby way...but it still does not answer.

I also agree with safety concerns. Which also, for me, spill over into 'how will this go wrong' even if I am in a nonpressure circumstance like a hobby...then get frozen in the process with that! Confused

Professional paranoia with liability issues and feeling like I would be targeted/manipulated into mistakes (architecture); it was a relief to become a stay at home mum. And I was toast in office politics...what a disaster. Sad

And my dh is ace, too. Smile
Thanks for the thread, SoleSource

Lemonylemon · 23/01/2014 09:08

"I find it difficult to feel free to be excited about things, anything I was passionate about was used against me or to mock me so it is difficult for me to share joy. "

God, yes. I was "dramatic"; made to feel like I was strange for being emotional.

After my OH died, I have shut people out and kept the intense pain to myself, at a huge cost. :(

Fifyfomum · 23/01/2014 09:29

Hugs lemony

It comes out in other ways doesn't it. So destructive to keep emotions in but I have been trained to do that so I am sort of between a rock and a hard place.

Abbykins1 · 23/01/2014 09:34

Not only no emotional support but physical,sexual and emotional abuse.

Does it affect me now?
You betcha!
On a daily,hourly and moment to moment basis.

desperatelyseekingsolace · 23/01/2014 09:43

beingacow your observation about your mother is very interesting and strikes a chord with me -- I came from a very "liberal" upbringing and while my mother wasn't really a strident feminist (she didn't work so she would have been a bit of a hypcrite) she did take a totally hands-off approach to mine and my sister's emotional life... she literally didn't want to know about my sexual/emotional life at all and totally turned a blind eye to it.

I did quite a lot of things as a teenager which I now regret -- nothing really dangerous or scary but just a lot of casual sex, staying out very late etc. She made no attempt either to stop me or even to talk to me about it. At the time I thought I was very lucky, it wasn't until much later that I realised how damaging it had been.

I don't think it was about not caring -- I think it was a toxic combination of having come from a very repressed upbringing where emotional lives just weren't discussed and then seguing into the 60s and the whole free love thing where the dogma was that anything went. Those two things, meeting head on, led her to the odd belief that a teenage girl doesn't need her parents "interfering" in her life.

With the benefit of hindsight I can now understand how she might have got to this position, but it was very very bad for me emotionally -- it led to a subconscious belief that my emotional life didn't matter at all.

It wasn't abuse and it certainly wasn't deliberate. And although my life isn't perfect I haven't suffered any serious long term harm. But one thing I have learned from this is that you ignore your children's emotional lives at your peril.

jenuwhine · 23/01/2014 10:06

Crying as I read all your posts... so many of your experiences resonate with me...
starting periods at 12 was given a panty-liner and nothing more was said
sex talk was non-existent
crying frowned upon
they nicknamed me 'vesuvius' due to my temper
I chased guys for sex/validation/attention which of course never came; only stopping when I met my DH and got pregnant.

I cant articulate my feelings or emotions at all well... like others have said I don't believe I am worthy of praise/support etc.
I bend over backwards to try to please people and was brought up to think of others. (noble sentiment but to an unhealthy extreme)
I pinball between career/SAHM arguments with myself and feel desperately unfulfilled. I love my children so much it sometimes feels like a physical sensation... I encourage them to let their emotions out - nothing is off limits. We talk and I don't judge. As adults they will not know my pain and sense of not knowing where to put myself... if I can help it.

I console myself that I am breaking the cycle... now to sort myself out... Reliant on anti-d's to hold down my job/exist; drink, smoke and eat too much; morbidly obese, self-esteem in the dumps... too much to contemplate really and I don't know how/where to start.

I'd be angry if I wasn't so worn out.

altogetherwonderful · 23/01/2014 10:35

Although I've been low contact for last 6 mths it now looks & feels like I'm being hounded by her. Ive just come back to find she has posted me a card, which is one of those' I'm here for you if you ever need to talk, I can give you a hug, be at peace ...

I feel sick & have ripped it up

As if I would go anywhere near her to talk about anything bothering me. How dare she think that NOW she can have an insight into my emotional life-well being!?! She must have so much free time now to actually want to think about me since I was ignored so much back then.

She knows about my being on Prozac last yr, ( she feigned interest) so she is prob assuming I am shutting her out due to mental health issues- how could it be because of anything she has said/done

FFs

altogetherwonderful · 23/01/2014 10:39

Jenuwhine - I understand every single thing you have just written. We must console ourselves somehow that we have achieved much because we have created completely different homes and our children will know a happier, different life. That is to your credit.

we are unnecessarily hard on ourselves though, that is a common theme here it seems

CantSayItAsMe · 23/01/2014 10:42

I pinball between career/SAHM arguments with myself and feel desperately unfulfilled.

God yes. That is me. I'm unfulfilled with being a SAHM and want to have a successful career because I feel like it would make me feel happier and show the dc that women are equal to men, etc. Then on the other hand I worry about not being there for the dc. My mum is incredibly negative about childcare, making me feel guilty. I know that I shouldn't let it affect me but it does. Actually thinking about it she often tells me how terrible my parenting is for all sorts of bizarre reasons (the most regular one is saying she should call social services because I'm cruel giving my kids pasta Hmm WTF??? She thinks she's a great parent for letting me eat chocolate biscuits for breakfast).

CantSayItAsMe · 23/01/2014 10:44

altogetherwonderful Yes to feigning interest in MH issues. My mum wondered why I didn't tell her I had pnd. One week later "I don't understand why you have pnd. I mean there isn't any reason for it, is there?"

Belgianchox · 23/01/2014 10:45

My parents were too wrapped up in their own problems to give me and my siblings any emotional care and attention. I literally have one memory of my dm calling me a 'pet lamb' in the supermarket, and I thought she was talking to someone else. Never any kisses or hugs, she's never told me she loves me. My df was better at that, but very demanding in other ways, everything had to be perfect (or at least appear that way to others), he was obsessively concerned by the outward impression we were giving as a family. My dm expected us to take care of just about all household chores, and our younger sister. She took no notice whatsoever of school work,etc, completely resented me going to university, told me more than once that it was a waste of time for someone like me (who was only ever going to get married and have children). She was jealous of the relationship I had with df, which tbh wasn't very healthy either. Now we have limited contact, helped by not living in the same country. She's an alcoholic and that really marred my childhood, and continues to spoil life today, although i'm much more detached about it. So much to say, and so sorry to see so many have struggled with emotionally detached or abusive parents.

Lemonylemon · 23/01/2014 11:05

"starting periods at 12 was given a panty-liner and nothing more was said"

That rings a bell. My Mum bought me a packet of Kotex and a kind of suspender belt that you buttoned to the pad. (This was in the mid-70's). I was told what they were and nothing more was said by her. It fell to my Dad to "have the talk" with me. To be fair, it was my Dad who told me the facts of life and about periods etc. Poor man. It must have been hard for him having been brought up by a very harsh Victorian mother to then have to tell his daughter about the birds and the bees.

jenuwhine · 23/01/2014 11:23

is it bad to say I am relieved that you all understand and can relate? I mean its shitty that you can because it's borne out of a difficult childhood and we would all prefer things were different (probably)
cantsayitasme - I am now of the conviction that this is not the time to do anything radical career-wise. Until my baby is at school I will maintain the status quo and work on myself x
altogetherwonderful - thank you.

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