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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he hasn't loved me for three years. So upset and broken.

55 replies

TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 12:57

I have been with him for eight years. We have a four year old and a beautiful 12 year old who has a different father.

He has always been volatile and very angry. On Wednesday, he had an interview for a job he said he really wanted but, two hours before, told me he would rather kill himself than go through with it. He then walked off talking about drowning himself. In desperation, I called the Samaritans and Mind. They were great.

He promised to seek help and told me he loved me. Today, he says he is leaving and has not loved me for three years. I am far from perfect. Very far. Three years ago, I had a silly, short-lived affair. I think I did it because the husband had left me on several occasions and I felt very alone and de stabilised. It meant nothing emotionally. I have always loved him. I have paid for my mistake over and over. He said he wanted to stay with me. I was so grateful that I have accepted a lot of violent rage and emotional abuse.

After he dropped that bombshell, he walked out then came back and knocked repeatedly on the door for 40 minutes. The children are away. I had shut him out because he is scaring the crap out of me.

Is he having a breakdown? I am at a loss as to what to do.

He has not been physically abusive but I am scared he might be today.

Please help!

OP posts:
Joules68 · 18/01/2014 13:00

call the police!

does he have a key?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 13:09

Definitely call the police. He sounds emotionally unstable, has a history of violence, you're frightened and you're alone.

neiljames77 · 18/01/2014 13:11

I hope you're "so upset and broken" because he might get back into the house.
He needs to sort himself out and to do it away from you and your kids.
Don't play Russian Roulette with your safety.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 18/01/2014 13:11

He is violent and abusive, he is scaring the crap out of you, you have accepted a lot of violent rage and emotional abuse.

Is this really the best you can do? Do you not deserve something better?

I think him leaving might be the best thing all round.

In the immediate short term, if he is outside threatening you the call the police.

Please don't put yourself second, look after yourself here.

normalishdude · 18/01/2014 13:24

Vocalising anger and venting frustration is one thing; being violent towards a partner is something else. It's not clear whether you feel in any danger- if you do, then call the police. Clearly the affair caused a lot of anger that was never resolved. It sounds to me like he is having an emotional crisis of some description and needs support and help from the ones closest to him- can you rope in his family to help out?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 13:28

Which part of 'he is scaring the crap out of me' is not clear normalishdude?

Twinklestein · 18/01/2014 13:31

Who knows whether it's a breakdown. What's clear is that he's very angry & emotionally abusive and this is your chance to get away and make a better life for your kids.

normalishdude · 18/01/2014 13:36

I am not interested in debating semantics.

Original poster
TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 14:00

You're on the nose, normalishdude. He's not normally physically abusive. I was scared of him today. He has gone. The police came and he took some stuff. I have been totally eroded by him for many years. I do wonder what I might have achieved without him.

I have zero self-worth left. He has quite effectively ruined a good deal of my life but I do have friends and my children are my world.

I will always love what he could sometimes be. Thank you for posting, all of you. Will it get better?

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 18/01/2014 14:12

Long term, no, he will always be angry and abusive. Short term, yes, he will promise the earth and be a changed man until you're reeled back in.

normalishdude · 18/01/2014 14:18

Yes, it will get better. It sounds like this is a time for to make positive steps towards rebuilding your self-esteem and happiness. Be strong. You'll do it, I am sure! x

Original poster
TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 14:19

I don't think I have it in me to be reeled back in this time. I just feel like I have failed my children by not holding it together. I wanted them to have mummy AND daddy.

OP posts:
Cbeebijeebies · 18/01/2014 14:23

Having both parents together is just an awful rose-tinted idea if this is the state of your relationship.

And you shouldn't have to accept emotional abuse/lots of anger over something that happened ages ago (and it sounds like he wasn't an angel at the time either if he kept leaving you).

I hope you find the strength to stick to your guns Thanks

Joules68 · 18/01/2014 14:24

I'd say keep a diary of some sort. I split from my ex in similar circs,and it was after I left that he got worse.you are in the position where he knows where you are and your dailymovements etc. he will get extremely angry that your life is still going on and he will eventually try to control this. probably through the kids

so keep records in case he tries for residency/contact etc.you willneed proof of all this

Original poster
TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 14:32

Thank you Joules and Cbeebi. This is the second longterm relationship I have not been able to maintain. I just feel like I have caused it all.

I had the affair after he had moved out on what seemed to be a whim. It has always been up and down. I have sought approval a lot from him.

He treated his ex badly too, I now think. He has no contact with his two children by her which he vehemently says is her fault. Now I wonder.

I do not know how I will cope with the way he's bound to be now, ie very cold and hateful.

My friend is coming round later. I am pleased about that. I need to be around someone who cares and I am too ashamed to tell mt family.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 18/01/2014 14:38

you'll get through it,but I wont lie,you have tough times ahead when you will be tested.

womens aid advised me to change my number. also,can you get locks changed (if legal) and maybe add bolts for security? how about finances? joint account? whose name is the house in?

Cbeebijeebies · 18/01/2014 14:38

He has no contact with the kids and it's her fault. Hmm He sounds lovely OP!....NOT.

If he's cold & hateful so what? Doesn't it show you how much better it is for you to be away from that. If he's going to behave that way it really isn't your problem. it's his. And he sounds like he has quite a few...

(And if he walked out on you, it isn't really an affair as such is it? It sounds like he's probably just used it as a stick to beat you with).

Have a nice afternoon with your friend OP Brew

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 14:40

How are you supposed to 'maintain a relationship' with someone when they don't want to maintain one with you? A relationship is a two-way thing. You've been unlucky to have met two completely wrong men. Take the opportunity now to get to know and like yourself, rebuild your confidence, find happiness and embrace independence. You don't need a man to do any of that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 14:42

Why would you be ashamed to tell your family that your ex turned out to be a violent bully? Is it your family that has brought you up to believe that women have to put up with bad treatment? Would they expect you to go scuttling back? Or did they never like this tosser and you're worried they'll say 'I told you so'?

Original poster
TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 14:51

Thank you all. Know I've been a bit stupid. In my heart of hearts, I know he never loved me. Clinging on to him, hearing his lies about caring for me, became very tied up with my self worth. A lot of his stuff is here. I don't think I can change the locks. The police were not helpful really. The guy was covered in tats and said He would knock on the door for 45 minutes if he was locked out. The thing is, he wasn't knocking to gain access for his stuff. He was knocking violently to get at me. Does that make sense? He could have packed a bag, politely, and left. But it was like a process of mental torture. He didn't actually try asking calmly to get in for stuff, if you see what I mean? Then I would have let him in. If I change the locks, he will call the police again and twist it. I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 14:54

Cogito, my mum is a wonderful woman who left my dad after years of emotional abuse. She is now 70. I feel ashamed that I've repeated a pattern and don't want to tell her because I think she might feel responsible or just worry about me excessively. I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 18/01/2014 14:54

right,wellyou need to remain calm. you had bad luck there with the police,they aren't all like that so don't be put off calling again

pack his stuff for him and leave it in a shed or somewhere so he doesn't need to come back in.....but he will try....he will suddenly need something from the house twice daily now

Original poster
TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 14:59

That's what I am worried about, Joules. Because he is so good at worming back in. I am not a weak person outside of relationships. With him, I am hopeless. The knocking thing was incessant hammering and scared me rigid, particularly given the suicide threats.

I am so used to instability, I feel a bit lost at the prospect of not having it. And lonely.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 15:03

Install reasonable security measures in your home, keep your phone close and call the police if there is any repeat behaviour. You could also call the 101 non-emergency DV unit as an interim measure and tell them you weren't happy with the attitude of PC Tats. Sadly some of the run-of-the-mill coppers are as misogynistic as the offenders... Hmm

Your Mum is precisely the right person to talk to about this. She's walked a mile in your shoes, she won't judge and, if she worries, then that's just because she's your mum. If she finds out the truth by some other method she'll be 10 x more upset that you didn't feel you could talk to her.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 18/01/2014 15:11

You had an affair after he had left you? That's not an affair, he has no right to make you feel guilty. Wishing you strength for the coming days, you and the kids will be much better off without him.