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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he hasn't loved me for three years. So upset and broken.

55 replies

TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 12:57

I have been with him for eight years. We have a four year old and a beautiful 12 year old who has a different father.

He has always been volatile and very angry. On Wednesday, he had an interview for a job he said he really wanted but, two hours before, told me he would rather kill himself than go through with it. He then walked off talking about drowning himself. In desperation, I called the Samaritans and Mind. They were great.

He promised to seek help and told me he loved me. Today, he says he is leaving and has not loved me for three years. I am far from perfect. Very far. Three years ago, I had a silly, short-lived affair. I think I did it because the husband had left me on several occasions and I felt very alone and de stabilised. It meant nothing emotionally. I have always loved him. I have paid for my mistake over and over. He said he wanted to stay with me. I was so grateful that I have accepted a lot of violent rage and emotional abuse.

After he dropped that bombshell, he walked out then came back and knocked repeatedly on the door for 40 minutes. The children are away. I had shut him out because he is scaring the crap out of me.

Is he having a breakdown? I am at a loss as to what to do.

He has not been physically abusive but I am scared he might be today.

Please help!

OP posts:
LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 18/01/2014 15:13

Your mum will be relieved you are out of this situation. At least your kids can have a chance at breaking the cycle now.

Original poster
TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 15:15

Thank you. You are probably right about my mum. I had the affair because he left me when our child was a few months old. He had left me before a number of times. I loved him so very much and completely pitied him over the situation with his kids.

With hindsight, I can see that he treated his ex in the same way he has treated me. He is actually just an attention seeking A-hole I think but I am terrified my resolve will crumble. Sorry for all the posts. My friend is coming at 7. I am trying to cling on and function but the kids aren't here and I am a bit lost.

OP posts:
Cbeebijeebies · 18/01/2014 15:16

Aww don't mean to be patronizing but i'm sure if that's the case your mum will be roud of you & just want you to get out of the relationship Thanks

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 18/01/2014 15:17

Keep posting, don't waver. You can do it, I did. Grin

Original poster
TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 15:28

Thanks princess. I really appreciate everyone's help. There has been a cycle for such a long time. He leaves, I pursue him. The only time he pursued me was after the silly fling. Presumably because someone else wanted me. The rest of the time, I have just been a drudge and an emotional dumping ground. He has never made an effort to improve things. I wanted to go to Relate with him. He agreed, then did nothing other than say we couldn't afford it. I believe he has never loved me, let alone not for three years. After two months of the relationship starting, he buggered off saying he wasn't sure he wanted the 'lifestyle' I offered. In his previous marriage, he and his wife had threesomes. Their relationship was an 'open' one although more - I think - on his part than hers. He slept with prostitutes. All of this, I had to accept. One mistake on my part, years ago AFTER he had left (several times) and that's unforgivable? Why did he bother winning me back or spending three years telling me he loved me if he could never get passed it. So confused but know I wont get any answers from him.

OP posts:
Cbeebijeebies · 18/01/2014 15:41

Prostitues? God, gross. I really think it says so much about a person that can do that tbh. Not very 'cool' of me or whatever but so much trafficking goes on that it's just a risk & nasty.

He didn't just walk away because he enjoyed it. He enjoyed having you pursue him and knowing you slowly started to feel dependant on him emotionally. It's power and power gives some people kicks. Thanks

Original poster
TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 15:48

I think you are right. It is about power. He devotes himself to being perceived as a good person - all jolly and loveable to the outside world. At home, though....

Apparently, the prostitutes were because he was so unhappy with the crazy manipulative ex...I know, I know...

The big story is that a tart with a heart did the deed for cash and told him not to come back because he was too nice. For some reason, he cried when He told me that.

The worst thing for me was the threesome he and his neighbour had with a 17 year old. Again, because he was depressed in his marriage and the neighbour manipulated him (quite literally apparently which is odd for two heterosexual men). That scenario sickened me. He was 30, the neighbour 55. That poor, stupid girl.

Poor stupid me.

OP posts:
FayeKorgasm · 18/01/2014 15:49

I don't think you had an affair at all. How could you be cheating on a man who had left you? You were not in a relationship with him at the time so if he is using this as an excuse to behave like this, HE IS WRONG.

Don't think you have failed, you have just met some rather hideous men, unfortunately. I doubt you would have entered into these relationships if you knew what was in store for you.

Be strong and move forward, it is wonderful on the other side!

LilyBlossom14 · 18/01/2014 15:51

apart from all the advice you are getting here would you consider the Freedom Programme - you can do it online for free if you wish. I found it really helpful after leaving a similar relationship. The not seeing his children and blaming his ex is a huge red flag I must admit - well I know that now and have learnt many other warning signs from doing the course and reading the books. I also wonder if you could speak to Women's Aid for advice and to get his behaviour logged with them also.

The link is Freedom Programme

Cbeebijeebies · 18/01/2014 16:05

He probably cried because he was fibbing! Grin

Sorry, not funny. But seriously...What a crock of shit.

You're not stupid, he's just good at what he does.

I doubt you think your mum was stupid because she made a similar mistake once? Please don't internalize any of this if you can help it You don't deserve if after everything you've been through with this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 16:11

Any man who uses prostitutes, IMHO, basically hates women. Sees us as utilities or commodities there solely for his benefit - paid or unpaid - rather than people in our own right. The threesome you describe, involving a woman only just old enough to be able to consent to sex in the first place, was more proof of his contempt. Disgusting.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 16:12

I don't think he actually understands the word 'love'. Hmm

AnyFucker · 18/01/2014 16:14

what cog said

OP, please send this man back to the dump where he belongs

and stay strong

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than share my precious time and energy with a prick like that

Original poster
TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 16:29

I know. He's just so completely frigging plausible and I totally bought into the 'poor me' routine. I didn't know about the prostitute or the very young woman when I met him. It came out gradually and drove me nearly insane. He did get counselling then As far as Imm aware, he has not cheated.

I should day, it was an affair. I started talking to the other man when we weren't together. We slept together once shortly after he came back to me. In my heart of heArts, I don't think I really wanted him back and that the stupid fling was a bit of an acknowledgement of that. It was an affair though and I hate myself for it.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 16:35

You're not the first or the last to buy into the lies and sob stories peddled by a manipulative man. Given his history, complete lack of morals and selfish character, if he was 100% faithful during your relationship I will not only eat my own hat but AnyFucker's hat as well.... Hmm

Whatever you think it was you had with this other man... affair or not.... I think you should firmly park the guilt because it doesn't even begin to level up the crap you've had from him. He hates you enough as it is. Don't add to it with self-hatred.

Cbeebijeebies · 18/01/2014 16:38

I wouldn't bank on him not having cheated, sorry. If he doesn't respect you then it wouldn't be such a reach Thanks

And you're saying you had one night together after your P came back? That's still not that bad, considering. I'd call it a one night stand, not an affair. In all honesty, a very brief fling pales in comparison to his behaviour...

Cbeebijeebies · 18/01/2014 16:39

^ appears Cog thinks the same re his treatment of you being far worse!

What does that tell you op...

Hope your friend came around in the end.

Original poster
TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 16:45

Thank you. He is a man of real extremes so I do have my doubts about fidelity. Always have which makes me feel I should have known better from the start.

I always say he's a good father but I guess a good father doesn't walk out on his baby. That was over nothing. A real bolt out of the blue moment. In the past, he has told me he will leave because he doesn't like the way I leave my laundry by the side of the bed at night, rather than putting it in the washing basket (downstairs). I put it in the next day. Before wednesday's suicide threats he said he would leave because I like the thermostat two degrees higher than he does.. Just writing this makes me feel a fool.

I just wanted him to love me. But he didn't did he?

OP posts:
Cbeebijeebies · 18/01/2014 16:50

You shouldn't feel like a fool. People like that start off all nice. How else would they get away with it over time?

Just be glad you're seeing him for what he really is Smile

And know that none of this is personal. Sounds like he was the same with his ex. Don't wonder if you did something to bring it out in him etc Thanks

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2014 16:55

So what did you get out of this relationship, what needs of yours got met here having put up with him for 8 years.

Abusers too are often plausible to those in the outside world.

Would second the counsel for you to enrol onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme; it was designed precisely with the likes of you in mind.

Longer term you also need to address what you learnt about relationships when growing up (that needs your serious consideration now) and unlearn all the crap this bloke you shackled yourself to till now taught you. This also smacks of co-dependency as well so I would read up on that too.

Your children do not have to have such a poor male model in their lives; never ever take this person back again. You'd be better off on your own.
He was never a good father to those children, women in abusive situations tend to write the good dad comment as well when they can think of NOTHING positive to write about their man.

Love your own self for a change; this bloke did a real number on you and such men take an awful long time to recover from.

Lizzabadger · 18/01/2014 16:57

Change the locks. End the relationship and stick to it. No contact. Call the police again if any more trouble.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 16:59

It's not foolish to want to be loved. It's human. Someone who takes advantage of that, exploits your feelings and twists everything around to suit their own manipulative ends is simply inhuman.

Original poster
TinselTownley · 18/01/2014 17:09

Hi Meerkat, definitely co-dependancy. What did I get from it? The misplaced belief that he really, deeply loved me. He changed his lifestyle to be with me (or so far as I know), he forgave my affair (or so he said) and he put up with me questioning his commitment all the time (because he left me so many times). When a man puts up with all of that, he must really love you, right? Who else would put up with me etc.... I know it sounds weird but that's the deluded state I've been living in rather than going it alone. We promised our lives to each other. I believed his promise. I was wrong.

OP posts:
LauraBridges · 18/01/2014 17:28

So let us address some legal and financial issues too.
He's a "husband" - so you're married?
Is the house in joint names? Do you know what he earns and about his pensions and any savings he has? Do you have copies of important documents like marriage certificate, his P60s and tax returns?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2014 17:31

I would suggest you read "Codependant No More" written by Melodie Beattie. You learnt codependancy a long time ago, its time all that was unlearnt now for your sake as well as your children's. They must not have any more failed male role models in their lives because having that will teach them very damaging lessons about relationships.

Honestly you and this man would be better off dovorced; all this bloke did to you and by turn the children was drag you down with him into his pit. He was never a decent role model to your children.