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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going out with DH

27 replies

LilyJoAndMe · 18/01/2014 08:33

At the week-end I like my DH to ask me out. Often he doesn't. If I mention something about it, he tells me about how he feels, what he wants and just assumes that I'll automatically spend my time with him. But never actually asks me if I'd like to go out with him.

For me it's important that he makes the effort to actually ask me out. Do you think I am being unreasonable ?

Last night we had another of our usual scenarios. Whilst he was talking about his day, his plans and himself, I said 'Oh I wondered if you were going to ask me out this week-end '. Then he said "That'd be nice. I'd like to go out. " I said I was dissapointed about the way he said it and since then he has just repeated himself saying he'd like to go out.

I'm feeling more and more unsure of myself as time's going by but I wanted to look forward to something after doing a lot of cleaning and tidying up during the day today.

After his 5th repetition I said that I'd organise my own evening because I was not sure at all that I'd enjoy spending mine with him. I'm beginning to think he's just digging his heels in and that any evening out with him whilst he's like that wouldn't be ok anyway.

If I do organise something for myself then I could go to the cinema with a friend or I'll have to go on my own. I'll have nothing else to do.

I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:

bakingaddict · 18/01/2014 08:44

I'm not sure I get that he has to ask you out like you're a dating couple or something but each to their own.

Why not just say you fancy going out for a meal, cinema, few drinks etc. Sounds like he was quite up for doing something in the evening but still puzzled as to why you need him to specifically ask you. Is this a symptom of you feeling neglected or taken for granted by him

janajos · 18/01/2014 08:45

Why do you want him to 'ask you out'? He is your DH! You are married!! Isn't that part of the point, that now, you decide what you are going to do together.... I don't get the impression from your post that he doesn't want to do things with you, but I would agree with him that it is a fairly pointless charade for him to 'ask you out', why, are you going to say 'NO'?

PinkPepper · 18/01/2014 08:48

Have you tried saying 'fancy doing something this weekend' and see what he says? Surely he's presuming his time will be with you anyway if you live together?
Seems mad

Original poster

LilyJoAndMe · 18/01/2014 08:55

Yes, I suppose I am feeling neglected by him. I feel that I'm making lots of efforts to make our weekday evenings nice by making nice meals and then I'll be doing loads of cleaning during the day today. And I just felt that it wasn't much to ask for - him asking me a question rather than constantly telling me about himself all the time.
But you think I'm being unreasonable then ?

OP posts:

marleymooo · 18/01/2014 08:58

Sorry yes I do. Surely as a married couple it should be more along the lines of what shall we do this evening? Rather than being actually asked. Sorry.

marleymooo · 18/01/2014 09:00

Sorry yes I do. Surely as a married couple it should be more along the lines of what shall we do this evening? Rather than being actually asked. Sorry.

ALittleStranger · 18/01/2014 09:08

On the going out question, yes you're being unreasonable.

But it sounds like you're just genuinely feeling unappreciated, which does need to be addressed.

Norudeshitrequired · 18/01/2014 09:10

He's your husband, not somebody that you have just started dating so you are being very unreasonable.

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly · 18/01/2014 09:12

It sounds like you want him to take the initative and suggest something he think you would like to do....kind of a way of showing that he is thinking about you as well as himself?

Norudeshitrequired · 18/01/2014 09:13

When you say that you spend your weekdays making meals and cleaning; is that because you are a SAHM and he works full time? If you work as well then the weekday household tasks should be more shared. If you are a SAHM then presumably he spends his weekdays working hard and earning money, which make it pretty even.

ExcuseTypos · 18/01/2014 09:15

Maybe he's waiting for you to ask him out?

It might be best just to discuss these things like adults and decide together how you'll spend your evenings.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/01/2014 09:20

Do you have children?

I do think your attitude is a bit bizarre, how long have you been married?

Primadonnagirl · 18/01/2014 09:20

You're not unreasonable..just bonkers ! He wants to go out you for Gods sake but you've spoilt it by obsessing about the words he used. you could be having a nice weekend instead of sulking.Grow up.

Vivacia · 18/01/2014 09:22

Is English your first language? I ask because this sounds like semantics to me. I read it as you saying, "I'd like to go out this evening" and him saying, "me too, what shall we do?".

I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting a nice night out with your husband where he's shown a bit of initiative. I do you think you are unreasonable to want him to "ask you out". You're not dating, you're married.

Original poster

LilyJoAndMe · 18/01/2014 09:29

Thanks for the answers. We both work full time and this week I have been ill.
I think one of the main things that has got to me is that I have been making big efforts for us to eat nice meals together . I have done all the cooking for the last two weeks and, during that time, I have not felt he has appreciated my efforts to take him into account .
It is difficult to talk like adults when we're both angry at eachother. It is true that there are reasons underlying the problem which I started with. I need to get them clear in my mind before I talk with my DH. I know he's angry right now and he can be poisonous when he's like that so I can't expect him to listen to me until I'm clear about things myself.
I feel like the more I've done to make our time together go well, the less he's done- the more he's just put his feet under the table.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/01/2014 09:58

Does he know there is a problem? Because if he doesn't, and doesn't know that you've been making a big effort then he is probably just thinking 'this is nice' and getting on with his life as normal.

The problem if you set someone a target that they need to meet but don't tell them, is that you are setting them up to fail before you even start.

Seth · 18/01/2014 10:35

Lilyjo

I agree with others that it does found like you are feeling unappreciated. May sound like an odd question but if he's not appreciating the nice meals then are you sure that's Somethjng that he does really appreciate?

I only ask as my DP said that his exDW used to make so much effort to make lovely meals every evening and he started to feel under pressure to wax lyrical about them as it felt she had made such an effort and was sitting there expectantly waiting for the recognition. Turned out she was doing that as that's what she wanted to do to show her appreciation of him and that's what she thought he wanted.

It sounds like there are other issues there too but seeing as you mentioned the meals I just thought it was worth mentioning .

Twinklestein · 18/01/2014 11:03

This isn't really about him asking you out is it, it's about him asking how you are and what you want, rather than telling you how he is and what he wants. That's understandable.

But I don't think you can expect him to mind read and know that because you've cooked for 2 weeks you want him to ask you if you want to see a film or something.

It would be easier to sit him down and tell him what you're not happy with.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/01/2014 11:04

What happened pre-marriage, who picked what to do or where to go? Now that the chase is over he probably doesn't think of asking you or thinks it isn't up to him to take the initiative.

If you see going out as a reward for the domestic stuff you do, on top of the job you have, you're not asking much but equally he could think after work he wants to let someone else do the thinking and organising.

I can't help but feel you are only showing us a fragment of the picture as a whole, are we missing something? Is he meant to be making up for something?

Original poster

LilyJoAndMe · 18/01/2014 11:19

Ali, I appreciate your idea on the 'setting up of a target without saying so' and then seeing the other person not come up to the mark. And Seth- thanks- it's true that maybe he actually doesn't appreciate what I've been doing.

In fact, before Christmas my DH did quite a bit of cooking as I stopped doing so much around the house and I had so much work to do in my job. At the start of January I realised that I needed to lose weight and take more care of my body as I was just working more and more but becoming quite unhealthy.
When I said to my husband that I was going to sort out my weight and my health he looked crestfallen. I think he believed that I would not be eating any more with him. So, I have spent a long time planning and making evening meals which are ok for us both . Perhaps he doesn't realise how much work that has been for me.

Also, I have been saving myself for an evening out with him where I could also relax food-wise. And this has also been a big effort for me. My DH doesn't need to lose weight and everyday he eats in a restaurant at lunch time .

I'm not quite sure where that leaves me now but I can see that there have been things getting to me. He's out right now and whilst I'm cleaning I'd like to be able to get clearer with what's bugging me.

When he comes back if I try and talk with him and I'm not clear in my own mind, then the chances are we'll just have a row. So far we haven't.

OP posts:

Logg1e · 18/01/2014 11:36

Perhaps he doesn't realise how much work that has been for me.

Also, I have been saving myself for an evening out with him where I could also relax food-wise. And this has also been a big effort for me.

He's not a mind-reader. You need to tell him otherwise it just creates resentment and disappointment. I was exactly the same as this a few years ago. I got it from my mother. I believed if somebody really cared, they wouldn't need telling. They should just know. It took a good friend a few attempts to make me realise just how unfair and ridiculous I was being. It also made me realise that I was in danger of making my partner and kids feel at home the way we did around my mother when we were young. Having to second guess and be constantly alert in case we were missing the invisible.

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly · 18/01/2014 11:45

If he gets to eat in a restaurant every day then it's probably not something he thinks of as a special treat.

pinkyredrose · 18/01/2014 12:31

OP why are you angry with each other?

Sounds like the two of you don't communicate very wellwwith each other.

Original poster

LilyJoAndMe · 18/01/2014 13:54

I've appreciated the suggestions.
It's interesting the business to do with 'communication'.
In fact, I'm pleased that I stopped communicating with my DH when I did. We have often had big rows at night time as we're usually both really tired and snappy. Last night we left it so this is pretty good progress for us ;) .

Another reason why I'm pleased is because I tried to sort my own feelings out. I really appreciated the help doing that.

After I could sit down and tell him that I was unhappy because I didn't get the impression that he appreciated the amount of effort I've put in to our evenings and how it's been a lot of work for me. He told me that he really appreciated it and that he was also beginning to think through his own eating habits.

He also told me that he agreed he should 'ask me out'. It's funny that no-one here thought it was important but he did. :D ! I was really pleased because I felt that he wants to keep the romance in our marriage alive.

Thanks a lot for your help. We're going out together tonight. :)

OP posts:

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly · 18/01/2014 16:52

I love a happy ending

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