Help needed-dh,me and money

[Iamabadmother]

Have name changed for this thread but been on mn under various names for years. So ashamed I don't want anyone to recognise me.

Dh has found out that I have been using his credit card to buy stuff and he is furious. Its a lot of money-over a thousand pounds and I spent it all on frivolous stuff like clothes for myself and kids,make up,some stuff for house etc.

I know this is terrible but I find it so difficult to stop-I suffer from depression and have taken medication in the past but am too ashamed at the moment to go to doctors and admit am struggling again. Buying stuff cheers me up-albeit temporarily.

I won't be able to pay dh back much as I only have the cb-he pays all bills,mortagage,food etc.

Any ideas how I can sort this out please?

You need to do a proper budget together.

But I get the feeling that if you were to suggest it, he would say no. He doesn't want you to be involved because it would be very clear that you do not have enough money to pay for clothes, for yourself and your DCs btw, you are supposed to be able to buy clothes and shoes if you need them, whether you are working or not, you don't have enough money and I strongly suspect he is not actually upfront and honest about where all his wages are going.

Have you seen bank statements and stuff?
Do you know your actual financial position or just what he is telling you?

How much of your debt is your h responsible for?
because it sounds very much as if - for someone who is supposed to be managing the family finances - he is pretty shit at it!
There is no way out of this if he will not sit down and be honest and open and fair in a full and frank discussion of money.
Oh, and you might find that such a discussion goes a long way towards making your depression disappear.
Unfortunately, it does not sound that there is any chance at all of his being prepared to do this, so you are looking at living the rest of your life like this or looking at other ways to gain the financial freedom and independence that 'everybody' needs - even SAHMs

As I recall CB for one child is around £80 a month. Your DH is expecting you to clothe your dc and yourself out of that??

£1500 over a year is nothing. It's hardly spoiling yourself and if he's telling you different he's a liar.

If the credit card bill is bigger, what has the rest been spent on? Is he actually any good at managing money himself?

Are you able to get a job yourself?

If you're in a lot of debt and this is eating up your disposable income and not reducing, then even more reason to seek advice from one of the free debt counselling services e.g. CAB, National Debtline etc. There are a lot of families in your situation for one reason or another - relatively high income but they don't know where the money goes. There are people who can help you. But you have to act as a team, have a common purpose and there can be no secrets, false pride, head in the sand stuff or misplaced self-reproach. Living hand to mouth is a stressful existence and it sounds as though, with a little help, you could reorganise things together and make a difference. It could even bring you closer together.

But if you are frightened to even bring the subject up, then you have no chance.

That's pretty bad. I don't think you can blame depression on spending, that's just not taking any responsibility, I bet the interest payments are massive. I think you should think about paying your dh back / paying off the card on a monthly basis.

Paying the DH back with what exactly? There's one income, huge debts and two people who either can't or won't discuss finances with each other....

Depression, bipolar & other mental health issues can lead to overspending.

BTW, I don't agree with your nickname (Iamabadmother), you are NOT a bad mother! Unfortunately you have not been included in the financial management of your home, it is not under your control.
Completely agree with what Cogito says, you both need to work together on tacking the debts.
And please don't listen to bordelloscoheme, please don't treat this as a debt to your dh! You are both in a marriage, you are not business partners!

As a stay at home parent you are working very hard andjjust because you don't earn the money does not mean you don't deserve to have nice things. To me yourffinancial situation is horrifying. I too am a SAHM, my dh's wages go into our joint account, for which he has no card through his own choice, and I spend the money however I see fit! I'm not frivolous but I do buy what anyone needs, dc, dh or me with no questioning or
comment, the way it should be in a trusting marriage.

Crazy phone!

how do you suggest she pays him back with?

she doesnt have enough money, thats why she is using the credit card in the first place.

*what

If the op's h is abusive, then she is on a hiding to nothing trying to 'make' him take any responsibility or treat her equally.
Even if she tries to talk to him (and brick walls are more receptive, and have less dangerous reactions - than abusers) The finances sound dire, and, at the very least, she needs to take some totally independent action and talk to someone in RL, or she will be swallowed up by debt and depression.

Look, you both have to take control of your finances. He shouldn't be spending his money on lunches and take-aways anymore than you should be spending money you don't have on clothes.
You both need to budget and live within your means.

In any case, he has no moral highground on this.
Tell him asap and work on a joint budget.

Lweji Read the thread carefully The op has access only to cb and has spent 1.000 pounds over more than year on 'extras' (which sound necessary to me) for her, the children and the house.
Her h spends all the rest.
It would appear that he is responsible for the financial mess because he alone has control of the finances.
Yes, both partners should budget together and get outside help if necessary - but - and I repeat - you can't make anyone do anything and you certainly can't talk to an abuser and expect any result.

It is often very difficult for victims to recognise abuse which is of an economic or financial nature: it may develop slowly and insidiously, so that what at the outset could be seen perhaps as protectiveness can become increasingly controlling, and leave no outlet for an independent life of any kind. For example, a potential abuser might say something along these lines:-

"I’ll take care of all the bills – you don’t need a bank account".

"I earn enough for both of us, so you don’t need to work now: I’ll look after you".

While initially this might seem acceptable, it gives the one earning and paying the bills considerable power which could potentially be exploited in order to perpetrate abuse over the other partner.

Over-spending, and building up debts in the partner’s name or joint names can also develop slowly and – even if this is an intentional form of control – it may not become obvious for some time; for example –

Both victims and those supporting them may be reluctant to name this behaviour as “abuse”. Hence many women will have lived with it for many years, until the negative impact has become almost overwhelming.

You are now at that above stage courtesy of your DH. You have used the credit card through desperation to provide necessities for your family. HE is the root cause of your pain and suffering.

Excellent post Attila. To which I would add only that the op is taking all the blame because, at the moment, that is preferable to the realization that her h is an arse.

My post was about both taking responsibility, which includes the OP jointly managing the money. Something that is not happening at the moment. And both agreeing a budget, which he should adhere to.

Indeed, if he's not prepared to manage finances jointly then OP, you're better off LTB.

I agree that they both should take responsiblity for finances. A lot of people don't have anywhere near the amount of money the OP has to spend on clothes and extras for themselves and their children. Nobody can say what is a reasonable amount to spend on these without knowing their other outgoings. If one person is spending a lot and the other isn't then of course that is unfair. Sounds as if they both need to live within their means.

Lots of chatter here about who’s money it is, it’s not ‘his’ money, the OPs money, or even ‘their’ money, it’s the credit card company’s money and they are at some point going to want to back, presumably with a hefty lump interest as well. Cut the card up now, every payment made to clear the debt should be accompanied with a corresponding request to reduce the credit limit. The last place you want to be is in the pocket of a credit card company.

I think you both need to sit down together and come up with a budget. Go through all your current outgoings (there's a spreadsheet on MoneySavingExpert that is pretty thorough) and from that work out where you can cut back on joint spending (so where you can reduce your bills - switch to cheaper providers, meal plan to save money on the food shop, etc.). Then work out how much is leftover and that should be split equally between the both of you.

Just to add, when I say the leftover should be split equally, it's important that you try to lower the debts asap.

Vivienne The op has only cb.
Your blanket statement that many people have 'nowhere near the amount of money has to spend on clothes and extras' has very little meaning. without knowing quite what the op is calling 'extras'.
and we all need clothes of some kind - these cannot be called extras without knowing exactly what the op has bought and for whom.

Cu The op does not have a credit card - all the debt money is her h's. She can't cut up someone else's card without their express agreement - highly unlikely in this case. The op would never suggest it and her h would never agree.
Crafty Don't think the op lives on your planet, unfortunately.

Whatever the rights and wrongs are my money his money and so on, it is irresponsible to run up bills on a credit card if you don't have the means to pay it off. And after all the bills and other outgoings are met such as loans there might not be any money left at all. It's all very well saying £1500 for extras isn't much. It's a lot of money to many people. Sometimes I worry about the worlds some MNetters live in.