Help needed-dh,me and money

[Iamabadmother]

Have name changed for this thread but been on mn under various names for years. So ashamed I don't want anyone to recognise me.

Dh has found out that I have been using his credit card to buy stuff and he is furious. Its a lot of money-over a thousand pounds and I spent it all on frivolous stuff like clothes for myself and kids,make up,some stuff for house etc.

I know this is terrible but I find it so difficult to stop-I suffer from depression and have taken medication in the past but am too ashamed at the moment to go to doctors and admit am struggling again. Buying stuff cheers me up-albeit temporarily.

I won't be able to pay dh back much as I only have the cb-he pays all bills,mortagage,food etc.

Any ideas how I can sort this out please?

OP you and he should have equal spending money. Him for his beers and PC games, you for clothes and make-up or whatever.

Things for the children should be being paid for out of a joint account, the same with things for the house.

I'm a SAHM, and I don't consider myself a single inch less worthy of having nice things than anyone else.

How long has it taken you to spend that thousand?

If you're determined to make yourself out to be the bad guy there's nothing anyone can say really. If you're going to give him the full mea culpa about the credit card usage you'll feel like a complete shit for a long time.... and I don't think that's constructive.

So please - use this opportunity to sit down together as a couple, with a financial counsellor or disinterested third party if necessary, get all the finances out on the collective table, take a long hard look at the genuine income and outgoings and decide between you the best way to manage things going forward. The solution you come up with should fit everyone and not just him... and if that includes some smart clothes, then it's important they're in there.

So basically you and the dc get treated like second class citizens when he has a take out you make something else for yourselves??? What!?

You need equal spending money. You both work equally hard for your family. You make him out to be some kind of Saint because he works hard. So do you!! My dh works 55 hours a week for 16k a year. We have two dc and I stay at home. We both have equal spending money. I buy make up or whatever else I like from my spending money. I don't have to justify myself.

We are a family and a family should have the same standard of living.

Please change your username into something else; your current name just drags you down.

Abuse is not just about hitting people; abuse comes in many forms and financial abuse is one such form. You do need to talk to Womens Aid.

He has also dragged you and your self esteem down with him; he is the root cause of your unhappiness.

If you only have the CB to live on and he is doling out a little bit of extra money to you (I take it as read you have to ask him each time for money) then you are being financially abused. There is a massive power imbalance in this relationship and its currently all in his favour.

He works hard yes - but only for his own self and to get his own needs met. You and by turn the children are only there to serve him.

This is no life for you or your children to be seeing.

Sorry I did not read the bit about only having the CB to survive on. I agree that the financial set up is wrong. But the answer wasn't to run up a bill on a credit card without telling her husband. Of course this is financial abuse and she must leave if things don't improve. We have been through periods of money being tight and neither of us would have dreamt of running up a bill on a credit card without the other's knowledge.

I know its not entirely my fault cognito-but I also recognise that my need to buy nice stuff that I don't really need is part of my depression. I do know that its not fair that dh has access to all the money and I don't but again I really can't seem to find the strength to address this.

There is no way in hell dh would sit down with a counsellor and discuss our finances or personal life-he hates to discuss mental health issues. I strongly believe that he himself is depressed and has been for a long time but he refuses to admit this.

I have been using his credit card for about a year now and in reality its probably closer to £1500 I have spent

It is often very difficult for victims to recognise abuse which is of an economic or financial nature: it may develop slowly and insidiously, so that what at the outset could be seen perhaps as protectiveness can become increasingly controlling, and leave no outlet for an independent life of any kind. For example, a potential abuser might say something along
these lines:

"I’ll take care of all the bills – you don’t need a bank account".

"I earn enough for both of us, so you don’t need to work now: I’ll look after you".

While initially this might seem acceptable, it gives the one earning and paying the bills considerable power which could potentially be exploited in order to perpetrate abuse over the other partner.

Over-spending, and building up debts in the partner’s name or joint names can also develop slowly and – even if this is an intentional form of control – it may not become obvious for some time; for example –

Both victims and those supporting them may be reluctant to name this behaviour as “abuse”. Hence many women will have lived with it for many years, until the negative impact has become almost overwhelming.

You are now at that stage.

So you get a little under £50 per week.

What does this have to cover? Are you expected to pay for all clothes for you and the kids out if it, as well as day to day bits like travel or activities then its very low imo for you and 3 dc.

Do you feel you have to be secretive about spending a couple of pounds on things? How is your day to day financing done?

Then I'll understand more I think. Fwiw, my ex was financially abusive and I really didn't see it until a long time after

I would bet he has more than £100 a month spending money for himself which is about what you have been spending on the card.

How much does your dh pay for the child care, the nurse maid, the cleaner, the pa work, or is all this work done for free?

Right a breakdown of what I spend the cb on-

I have 1dc who goes for school dinners-£7 a week
1 dcs activity-£6.50 a week
1 dcs activity-£6 a week

I also pay a small amount to a playgroup-£3 a week.

I buy all the dcs day to day clothes-basics,t-shirts,socks,pants,trainers etc. Dh will buy the bigger items-winter coats,boots etc but he will only do this if I point out that they need them.

Small treats-trips to softplay,mini gymnastics,to a cafe etc are paid for out of the cb. I also meet friends for coffee once a week. Alll my toiletries are also bought with the cb.

I don't want people to think dh is a horrible monster-he is a good dad even if he has'nt been the best husband but then I am not a good wife either or else I would'nt have stolen off him.

"There is no way in hell dh would sit down with a counsellor and discuss our finances or personal life-he hates to discuss mental health issues."

I didn't mean MH issues, I meant getting help with budgeting, account management and general financial matters. You shouldn't have to find 'strength' to talk to your own husband about family money. That you're nervous about expressing yourself to the point that you're secretly spending, feel you're not entitled to various things, that you deserve punishment, that you're a 'bad mum' etc.... suggests not only low self-esteem but a relationship that is not functioning in a healthy way.

You spent £1500 over over a year? That's only about £120 a month! I'm a sahm and I definitely spend a lot more than that! How much does your dh earn?

Seems plain that you don't have enough money.

Fine if it were a burden shared, but in your case it isn't.

It is financial abuse, whether either of you recognise it as such, or not.

To put it into perspective, you have spent around £75 per week including cb and the credit card. No more than that.

So £75 per week on clothing, activities, toiletries and whatever else.

Not much is it?

SWEETHEART. Listen to me, you ARE entitled to buy make up and clothes even if you don't work. You are raising the children!

I am also a SAHM, I don't overspend, I budget carefully, but hell if I need a pair of trousers I shall buy them! Misusing the credit card is obviously not on and that needs to be controlled, but, feeling like you cannot buy something for yourself is just not right.

You really need to have a good chat with your DH. If he is depressed, then you both need to go to therapy separately. Money will be well invested.
He needs to give you more money to spend on stuff! CB is not enough, it is only of the children not for you. Specially if he is earning well.

OP you have not stolen from him. In the eyes of the law his money is also yours because you are married.

He is categorically NOT a good Dad. A good dad doesn't treat the mother of his children like a second class citizen and keep her poor while he has money to spend on the things he likes to do.

Out of £50 you're paying out £22.50 on the diners and activities which leaves you roughly £27/week ... £108 per month for clothes & shoes for three kids plus toiletries, a few cups of coffee and various bits and pieces for yourself. I take out £40/week every week cash just for me!

My dh earns about £44 thousand a year but we have a lot of debt. We had a big bill for something a few years ago-can't say what it was for as don't want to out myself-but it put us into financial difficulties. We also had to take out a loan for a new car when we had dc3 which we are still paying back.

The credit card bill is way more than £1500 btw-thats just the amount that I am solely responsible for.

We never have any money left at the end of the month and always live off the overdraft-so in reality we are both as bad as each other.

He is financially abusive.
You only have approx £180 pm CB.
You haven't spent that much in a whole year.
Because he pays for everything, you get nothing? That's not the way it works...you take care of the kids, do the majority of he housework etc...

You need to lay it on he line with it. Tell him he's being financially abusive. Don't back down. Be calm. Just repeat that you also need money. You have not been frivolous. You've just spent on normal stuff that is generally needed.

Can you sell the car?

No-dh needs the car for his job. I don't drive.

Okay, based on what you wrote at 14:22:05, I kind of understand why he is upset. He is probably very stressed about the debts and when he saw the credit card bill he just burst.

How much is your total debt? Do own a house? Is there anyway of paying off the debt? Can you get a part-time job?

If things are that bad financially that you are both in your overdraft every month then to be honest neither of you should be spending on non essentials until it is either under control or you have worked out a manageable budget. He can't moan about money and then go and spend on beers and take way. Ridiculous.

You both need to see exactly what is coming in and out and work out a repayment budget that leaves enough for family circumstances such as clothes and other items. And then once you have worked out a debt repayment IF there is anything left over then it should be split equally between you both. But you need to do a proper budget first.

Clearly you both need to sit down & go through the finances. But as a joint thing.

Go through all the outgoings. Cut back on what you can (utilities/insurances/food)

You should then budget for clothes etc & what's left over can be spending money for you both.

It shouldn't be him controlling the purse strings, spending what he wants but being pissed off with you for spending.

If there's no money for extras then this means neither of you get them till the debts are paid.

"I also recognise that my need to buy nice stuff that I don't really need is part of my depression."

I think that's right.

And the way I think it's part of your depression is that one of the reasons you're depressed is because you have no money to buy "nice stuff" that includes nice clothes.

Just because you don't have a job doesn't mean you have no reason to look nice and wear nice clothes and make up.

You keep saying he is a nice man and a good father, but he is treating you like a slave and keeping you impoverished while he keeps all the money and spends it on himself.